(no subject)
Sleep & Dreams:
Ugh I give up. I'm just one of those morning people so I should just go to bed earlier.
Body:
The stomach flu fucked me up! I struggled to eat solid food until earlier this week, and even now I'm not able to eat a lot. I wonder if part of the eating less and having less appetite is from getting off that neurontin. I've been thinking maybe I should go back to the doctor for prescriptions. I had a really bad pain experience where a simple sore neck turned into burning nerve pain all over my body. I just had to lie flat in bed and try to sleep it off while all the nerves in my body were on fire. It was really depressing and disabling. Thankfully I could cope with less pain killers, but it was still pretty much hell.
Art:
It's so frustrating. I have some block that I can't quite put my finger on. Everyone is interested in my art, wanting more, commissioning things, and I feel a strong spiritual pull to do my art. BUT I'm just not able to put it all together. I know it must be a partially a self-esteem issue, but I also feel like I really need a teacher and mentor. I need to learn the discipline and habits of creating art.
Mood:
Once again I've been freaking out about money and work. I've also been in a terrible mood becasue the beloved roommate is moving out. I was shocked when he told me he was moving Sept. 1st. He found a really really nice place and I'm still kind of hoping that it will fall through. I immediately went to the old pattern from earlier this year with the roommate hell experience and was just convinced that I would end up evicted, unhappy, homeless, etc. I had a panic attack for about 24 hours straight and then flipped into depression. Of course. Just when I thought things were settled and happy everything gets thrown off. Dear universe, please stop shitting on me. (the universe responds in the oddities section)
Oddities:
Now this is seriously weird even for me. Totally unexpected and not at all what I was looking for or wanted. While I was depressed and lying in bed trying to not be bored I went on youtube to find things that would be calming and distracting. I was looking at yoga and satsangs. I've been wanting to really take my yoga practice to the next level and I know NOTHING about yogic philosophy, Hindu religion, etc. Just enough of something to keep me interested but not a subject I know much about so that I'm not distracted by my own thoughts or knowledge. I ended up finding a guru in India. I watched a few of his videos, and then wondered who teh hell is this guy. I went to his website and started reading his writings and looking at his pictures of a recent pilgrimage to the holy mountain of Mt. Kailash. I had a miraculous healing of my depression. I suddenly felt filled with unconditional love and felt connected to all things. I cried in joy and felt so full of hope. The next morning when I woke up instead of going to my usual thoughts of despair I knew that things would be ok because the guru is with me. I'm doing a meditation retreat at his local temple in Milpitas this weekend, and next year I want to go to his ashram in India. I have A LOT of questions about the spiritual implications of this whole thing. I've been processing with my Celtic Goddess and she's been very supportive of me exploring this Vedic path.
Here's the video that triggered the miracle in me
Click to view