(no subject)
Sleep & Dreams:
I've been trying to get myself back on a segmented sleeping pattern but I just can't seem to sleep past 8:30am and I haven't been able to nap during the day. I just need to accept these facts and not try to reset my sleep cycle by staying up later. Bedtime is midnight, get 8hrs one way or another, and then start working on the segmented sleep project again. Dreams have been lots of anxiety and I've had a couple of days where I wake up in the middle of a panic attack.
Body:
The Kaiser yoga class was better this week because my body was worse. I've been so tense and anxious and hunched over the computer desperate to make money. I totally forgot to work out yesterday, so I posted looking for a walking and/or jogging partner and got quite a few responses. I love fitness so much I want to share it with everyone.
Art:
I feel so lost and unfocused. I want to go to art school mainly to get assignments. I know I have it in me but I need a jump start for the creative process. I try to do daily sketching, but a lot of the time I just sit there and stare at the blank page. I know that staring at a blank page is part of the artistic process but I need to do more than just that. Nobody locally (and affordable) offers a second BA in art and the MFA programs are way way over my head. Maybe I should find a sketchbook buddy for support and motivation.
Mood:
anxious anxious anxious. But can you blame me? I haven't had any work at all in July, so I have about $100 to my name and that won't pay the rent. The anxiety started to tip into depression, and after texting with Lash, while crying on bed at 1pm, I decided to get out and get some herbs to fix the mood issue. I ended up with my usual tea or oatstraw and things, and I bought a tincture of St. Johns, ashwagandha, skullcap and prickly ash. It's a really fantastic blend, and without the St. Johns it is an excellent blend for fibro, so I'm going to use this stuff a lot. Mood issues resolved, but money issues still a problem.
Oddities:
Put in my resume to a temp agency and got a call back really quickly. My other temp agency hasn't found me any work since I told them I wanted to work again last December. I finally accepted the fact that they're just not going to find me any work at all ever. Lash keeps telling me to send my resume to more temp agencies, but I want to take this slow. I don't want a job I just want a temp thing so I have more money. I would be willing to take a job, but it would have to be pretty damn special to make that commitment again.
And another thing about commitment. It just seems so false and hollow. I watched a couple episodes of a show called MissAdvised about three women who are sex/dating/relationship professionals and their personal dating lives. I only watched it because one of my friends was one of their featured experts. The whole show is so depressing and makes me never want to date ever again, and also makes me glad that I'm not a middle class hetero career woman. In thinking about what I want out of a relationship and how to go about finding that I decided that I have no interest in commitment and prefer security instead. Commitment is words, symbols and rituals. Some people give them appropriate respect but for the most part I think it's just empty. Security is built on trust and real action and behavior. I feel security because you do things that create a sense of security for me. I feel commitment because you're a con artist that has convinced me you totally mean it.