(no subject)
In a lot of ways, its father's fault that I turned out the way I am. I don't emulate him 100%, but he's always been the person I looked up to the most, and I never wanted anything else from him except to be proud of me. All the ideals and wisdom he shared and sat me down about, I took to heart and tried my best to bestow upon the rest of the world. Not being "an average kid" was at the forefront of all this, because growing up, I didn't want to go hang out with guys and go get wasted at parties, or do drugs, or bang chicks under the influence of the aforementioned substances. Maybe it was because I had such a sheltered life, and it didn't help that mother cut the family thread only halfway through for me. I know I changed alot when her and father got their divorce, but I still wonder sometimes if and how I might be different if we were still a complete family.
I have resentment, anxiety, and everything else someone might have for a person, family member or otherwise, whose done something regrettable. Anyone who knows me knows I don't hold grudges, and maybe deep down somewhere, I don't hold it as much against my mother as I'd like other people to think I do. She lives so far away, so even if I wanted to, it would take much time and money for me to do anything about it now.. and though I'm rarely strapped for the former, its the latter that I find myself not having much of.
Father's advice and wisdom always fell upon the ideas that doing unto others as you would have them do unto you is the best way to bring solace to oneself. All of this follows the lines of sacrifice being its own reward, a little kindness going a long way, and everything else that involves being selfless. I wonder sometimes.. maybe I took his advice and wisdom too closely to heart. And maybe it really became too late at one point to try and find another way of thinking. I don't think of myself as worthless.. I know I'm important to at least a few people out there. I just.. I can't bring myself to ignore anyone else in dire straits. It doesn't matter if I shouldn't help, or sometimes, even can't help.. I always try to find a way. A lot of those times, I do wind up going in over my head.. its been the story of my life for as long as I can remember. Give, give, give.. and I've got nothing left, but I'll keep giving.. and giving.. My biggest fear is that eventually, there's going to come a time when someone I run into is in such a terrible situation, and I wind up having to completely break myself to set them back on their feet, and then.. nothing. A little thanks, some gratitude for being "one of the good ones", and thats it. Maybe its not so much a fear as an inevitability, since I don't know how to hold myself back.
But.
This is the life I've chosen to live. There's not enough people who believe in the things I do, without want or desire needed for oneself to look onward. I'm going to keep going, and I'm going to keep helping, keep aiding, keep assisting, until I eventually break down and can no longer do so.. without wanting anything in return.
Its all I know how to do. Believe me, I've tried.
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I have resentment, anxiety, and everything else someone might have for a person, family member or otherwise, whose done something regrettable. Anyone who knows me knows I don't hold grudges, and maybe deep down somewhere, I don't hold it as much against my mother as I'd like other people to think I do. She lives so far away, so even if I wanted to, it would take much time and money for me to do anything about it now.. and though I'm rarely strapped for the former, its the latter that I find myself not having much of.
Father's advice and wisdom always fell upon the ideas that doing unto others as you would have them do unto you is the best way to bring solace to oneself. All of this follows the lines of sacrifice being its own reward, a little kindness going a long way, and everything else that involves being selfless. I wonder sometimes.. maybe I took his advice and wisdom too closely to heart. And maybe it really became too late at one point to try and find another way of thinking. I don't think of myself as worthless.. I know I'm important to at least a few people out there. I just.. I can't bring myself to ignore anyone else in dire straits. It doesn't matter if I shouldn't help, or sometimes, even can't help.. I always try to find a way. A lot of those times, I do wind up going in over my head.. its been the story of my life for as long as I can remember. Give, give, give.. and I've got nothing left, but I'll keep giving.. and giving.. My biggest fear is that eventually, there's going to come a time when someone I run into is in such a terrible situation, and I wind up having to completely break myself to set them back on their feet, and then.. nothing. A little thanks, some gratitude for being "one of the good ones", and thats it. Maybe its not so much a fear as an inevitability, since I don't know how to hold myself back.
But.
This is the life I've chosen to live. There's not enough people who believe in the things I do, without want or desire needed for oneself to look onward. I'm going to keep going, and I'm going to keep helping, keep aiding, keep assisting, until I eventually break down and can no longer do so.. without wanting anything in return.
Its all I know how to do. Believe me, I've tried.
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