(no subject)
I can't think straight. I feel guilty, angry, distraught, worthless, and lacking any real point why I even bother sometimes. With anything, or for anyone.
I help people, I offer advice, suggestions, sympathy, even a shoulder to cry on when needed, and I never ask for anything from anyone. I never ask for favors, never make requests, and I even go so far as to keep any minor needs I may have hidden if I feel they will infringe on someone else's. But you know what? Nobody gives a fuck. I'm not allowed to mess up ONCE, otherwise everything falls to pieces. ONCE. That's all it takes.
Today, for instance. I busted my fucking ass at work today, because we had a HUGE amount of stuff that needed to go out today. Any other day, we wouldn't have come close, but this morning, I just decided on a whim 'Hell, I'll go ahead and put in a little extra, make it a good Tuesday for everyone'. So I skipped both breaks, turned my machine up faster than I usually run it at, and got done a huge amount compared to what I usually do. And though I never ask for or make it obvious that it'd be nice, a little pat on the back or 'Hey, good job Jace, you really came through for us' once in a damn while sure would. But no, everyone just took it easy the rest of the day. 'Cause they could.
But fuck, everyone is sure as hell RIGHT THERE to jump my fucking ass the MOMENT I'm not working at a par level, or having some problem that might take some time to figure out. If the day doesn't get done, guess what? -I- could have been working harder, or -I- could have done this better, or -I- could have stopped fucking around with the Stamper when I should've been working.
You know what? Fuck you guys. Maybe I should just stop giving a flying fuck what the hell anyone else thinks, and just worry about me for a change. And I know that this won't happen, because I can't handle guilt trips.
I don't even want to go to the Christmas Party this Friday, but I don't want to hear it from father, either.
If Brent and CRick hadn't been here tonight, I probably would've just holed myself up in my room and just stayed in bed from the time I got home until it was time to go to work tomorrow morning.
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I help people, I offer advice, suggestions, sympathy, even a shoulder to cry on when needed, and I never ask for anything from anyone. I never ask for favors, never make requests, and I even go so far as to keep any minor needs I may have hidden if I feel they will infringe on someone else's. But you know what? Nobody gives a fuck. I'm not allowed to mess up ONCE, otherwise everything falls to pieces. ONCE. That's all it takes.
Today, for instance. I busted my fucking ass at work today, because we had a HUGE amount of stuff that needed to go out today. Any other day, we wouldn't have come close, but this morning, I just decided on a whim 'Hell, I'll go ahead and put in a little extra, make it a good Tuesday for everyone'. So I skipped both breaks, turned my machine up faster than I usually run it at, and got done a huge amount compared to what I usually do. And though I never ask for or make it obvious that it'd be nice, a little pat on the back or 'Hey, good job Jace, you really came through for us' once in a damn while sure would. But no, everyone just took it easy the rest of the day. 'Cause they could.
But fuck, everyone is sure as hell RIGHT THERE to jump my fucking ass the MOMENT I'm not working at a par level, or having some problem that might take some time to figure out. If the day doesn't get done, guess what? -I- could have been working harder, or -I- could have done this better, or -I- could have stopped fucking around with the Stamper when I should've been working.
You know what? Fuck you guys. Maybe I should just stop giving a flying fuck what the hell anyone else thinks, and just worry about me for a change. And I know that this won't happen, because I can't handle guilt trips.
I don't even want to go to the Christmas Party this Friday, but I don't want to hear it from father, either.
If Brent and CRick hadn't been here tonight, I probably would've just holed myself up in my room and just stayed in bed from the time I got home until it was time to go to work tomorrow morning.
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