Ever have those moments?
Saying goodbye really sucks...even if it's only for a couple months. Lots of things can change in that amount of time. Your friends meet new people...start dating other people...you get the picture.
I have these moments...it's...I'm talking to someone...in this case I was saying goodbye for the summer to a guy friend of mine. He said something about a particular situation that had...been significant in our lives this year...and I said something really dumb like... "I didn't mind...It was worth it."...which is true...but walking home crying afterwards...I kicked myself for not saying the things I really wanted to say. "I'm sorry things turned out this way" "I wish things had gone differently" "I wish I hadn't told you 'no' that one night before spring break"...they sound dumb...but I wish I'd said them. Not that I feel they would have changed anything...but I wanted him to know.
And this might not be the best place to talk about it...but I don't know who to talk to about it...so here it goes...why can't I keep a guy's interest? Or attract it in the first place? I really don't understand. I'm not unattractive by any means. I'm well aware that I'm not bad to look at. I think I'm talented, smart, friendly, fun-loving etc...(insert positive adejectives here)...so what's wrong? The guys I'm interested in either don't notice that I exist, or I'm the "friend"...or they have an interest, pursue it a bit...and then back away quickly. I really don't understand it. This isn't coming from some well of low self-esteem. I actually think I'm quite a decent person...can you tell I'm trying to sound humble? I mean, I have my faults...but I'm starting to think there must be something off about me somehow. I've never seen a guy react positively to learning that I have a thing for them. Well...with one exception. It's always *incredulous* "what? KIM?" followed by a long monologue of dismay. Why? I would really like to hear from a guy here...why why why?
Anyway. That was a long tangent. My whole point being...I'm terrified that when we all get back from summer vacation...things are going to be very different. I'm scared that the hope I have left will be crushed into a million pieces...that'll be a WONDERFUL way to start out the year. Not to sound bitter or negative. I've put my heart, and a good deal of energy into this this year. And I'm just scared that it isn't going to get me anywhere.
But whining like a little bitch isn't gonna change things.
I've had a good time this year...I'm going to miss you all loads (I'm actually crying right now...) and you'll all have to come have a housewarming party at my place when I get one...I'll make dinner!
ps...I know it's only 3 months,..but I'm still going to miss you more than you know. I love you, and I hope to see you sometime during the break. Maybe I'll even do as you suggest and come down to Everett...or drive through Everett. ;)