Taeko's Entry: Not As It Seems [Slipping Through My Fingers]
Added By Nimblnymph: This is rated R/Mature
It started with a bang, literally - his morning, everything- all at once. Thunder boomed and rumbled in from the west rousing him from an already fitful sleep. A lone charcoal eye opened and looked to the window in sleepy dissatisfaction. Dark, ominous clouds covered the sky blocking any hope for sun. Kakashi rolled over onto his back and rubbed a hand tiredly over his face. Sleep was supposed to give the body rest, not take away from it.
A knock, loud and repetitive, sounded at the door. As he rose from the bed another clap of thunder echoed angrily in the heavens. The cold of the floor was a shock to his feet but he ignored it, adjusted his mask, and made his way through the small single apartment to the door where the impolite banging continued. He was already at odds with his neighbor, and the incessant knocking so early in the morning would surely put another dent in their relationship.
He wrenched the door open and leveled the group of masked nin on the other side with a glare.
“The Hokage needs to see you,” the one in front spoke, voice impassive.
“I’ll be there soon.”
“Immediately.”
Kakashi studied him for a brief moment and then nodded. “I’ll be there.”
“We’re to escort you.”
With a sigh Kakashi left the door open and retreated to his room to get dressed, and quickly at that. If Tsunade’s request to see him was this urgent, it could only be about one thing: Sakura. He fixed his hitai-ate, threw on his flak vest, and stuffed his feet into his zori. Routine pleasures like showers and oral hygiene would simply have to wait.
Kakashi reappeared at the door, closing it behind him as he stepped outside. The three ANBU operatives that were sent to fetch him now led the way. It wasn’t until they ventured into the village that Kakashi realized it was earlier than he has assumed. The streets were empty, the stores closed, and the houses dark and silent - its occupants still enjoying the warmth and solace of bed.
With a heavy feeling settling in his chest, Kakashi reached into his inside pocket to fish out his prized companion. He wanted something to distract him or simply hide behind. He had never been a man to hide, but he suddenly felt like doing so and the looming presence of the masked nin wasn’t helping matters.
The one closest to Kakashi finally spoke. “You two go ahead.”
“But Captain, we were ordered-”
“You were ordered to go ahead. Understood?”
“Yes, sir.”
Without hesitation, the other two ANBU disappeared. Kakashi looked beside him and raised a brow. “Scaring your subordinates, kohai?”
“Hn, I don’t understand why all of the extra security is necessary, you don’t need it. Besides, he wouldn’t dare show up here.”
“Is that what this is about?” he asked, the light-weight, orange jacketed book in his grasp momentarily forgotten.
“I can’t say.”
“Tenzou, is Sakura awake?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s been over a month,” Kakashi argued.
Tenzou eyed his friend and chose his words carefully. “Tsunade-sama has been hard at work, trying to do anything and everything she can for her. You’re not the only one that cares about her.”
Kakashi looked away from him as they continued to the Tower. He was well aware that many people cared for Sakura, even Tenzou himself did after spending time with the Team and therefore becoming a part of their family. Didn’t he understand that Kakashi didn’t need to be reminded of how he had failed? Perhaps he could ask Tsunade to lift the restrictions placed on him. Being confined to the village didn’t suit him well and he could better serve by being out there and looking for him. Besides, he hated the way the usually bubbly kyubi container looked at him when their paths crossed. Naruto didn’t blame him, he knew that, but the emotion that lay in those eyes of his hurt him more than any words or physical pain he could ever inflict on him. The urge to disappear rose in him once again.
Tenzou lifted a hand to place on his shoulder but he hesitated and let his arm fall to his side once again. “ANBU squad nineteen is following a lead right now, east of Ame. They said -”
“You shouldn’t share that information with me.”
“I know, it’s supposed to be classified, but I can’t stand the way you-”
Tenzou was surprised as he turned a dark stare to him and in an icy tone he had only heard on occasion he said, “No, I mean that little piece of intel is enough to encourage me to find the bastard and kill him myself, to hell with what the Hokage’s ordered me to do.”
His head dropped and he softly murmured an apology. Kakashi slid the book back into place in his pocket, there was nowhere to hide from the feeling rising in him. He felt guilty for snapping now and wanted to let his friend know that it was okay. He knew he was just trying to make him feel better, but he couldn’t even bring himself to do that.
That day was burned into his memories. Over a month ago, Team Kakashi had been dispatched to put an end to a group that was wreaking havoc in a small civilian town. The stories that two of the escapees came with were truly horrifying; women taken from their families to act as harlots and men doing hard labor and providing weaponry, food, and shelter for these people and being killed if they refused. When they heard that the leader of the whole thing was a ‘dark-haired man with strange red eyes’ Tsunade jumped on it.
Naruto, the ever kind-spirited, devoted young man he was, believed he could still save the man that had been one of his first bonds and begged for a chance to reason with him, if it was Sasuke that was behind it all. After days of trailing they finally made contact and they were not prepared. The team that Sasuke had assembled had grown and they were a vicious lot, and clever.
They had succeeded in separating the Team, leaving each one with their own group to suppress before even considering getting close to the Uchiha. Kakashi should have given the order to fall back, to regroup, something … anything. When Sasuke’s group suddenly retreated, he just knew something had gone wrong.
He came across Sai first, nursing an injured shoulder, and Naruto found them soon after, but Sakura never appeared. They split up to look for her, each man with a different worry plaguing his heart. Kakashi was the one to stumble across her. She was sprawled on her back. Her hair, tangled with leaves and twigs, was fanned out on the forest floor. Stray locks were stuck to her face held by tears that seemed to continuously leak from the corner of her eyes. And her beautiful jade orbs were now hollow, glassed over, as they started out at nothing.
He fell to his knees beside her and gathered her in his arms, cradling her body to his. She was still breathing, her heart was still beating, but she remained unmoving, unresponsive. His chest tightened and he buried his face in to the crook of her neck.
“Sakura… Sakura, I’m so sorry.”
When Tsunade examined her, the news she returned with wasn’t very good. She was trapped in some sort of waking dream and her sense of reality was askew - and the only person capable of doing that to her was Sasuke. It wasn’t like your typical genjutsu, whatever he had done had implanted itself in her brain and neurological procedures were risky. Yet Tsunade was determined, but progress was slow. Still, a piece of Kakashi was optimistic -no matter how tiny- and he hoped that she was summoning him with good news to tell.
Tenzou left him at the door to Tsunade’s office with nothing more than a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder.
“Come in.” Her voice echoed before he had the opportunity to knock.
Kakashi entered and moved to stand in front of her desk.
“Lets skip formalities. Sakura’s been awake for some time now but …” Tsunade sighed and Kakashi realized how completely exhausted she looked. “She’s stuck, resigned to living in the illusion that Sasuke created for her. I broke through once, but it didn’t last. There are only a few options left to explore.”
“And you need me?”
“I think if someone else that she was close to was around, then maybe …”
“Why not Naruto?”
“Because I know you can handle it. I know that you and Sakura were close in ways that you two obviously thought I wouldn’t figure out.”
Kakashi faintly blushed. “I don’t know what to -”
“I may be old, but I’m not stupid. Just try. I’ll take you to her.”
He nodded stiffly and followed her out of the office. Yet instead of going to the hospital, Tsunade led him down stairs to a floor in the Tower he had only been to once or twice in his entire ninja career. They were greeted by ANBU and Tsunade opened the door. Kakashi went to follow her but she stopped him and went in first, closing the door behind her.
Kakashi stood in the hallway feeling a bit awkward, but he kept his expression blank with his arms crossed loosely in front of his chest. He couldn’t see their eyes but he felt like they were staring at him through those damned masks. Thankfully, he didn’t have to wait long and Tsunade emerged, waving him over. Her expression was grim and he was suspicious and he made sure to let her know this.
“What are you not telling me?”
“She’s not expecting you and her reaction to you, it won’t be pleasant. Sasuke,” she paused. “He messed with her memories.”
“How?”
This was the part she didn’t want to admit. “I’m not entirely sure, but she thinks you’re dead.”
Dead? This was not going to go well. His insides twisted at the thought of the woman he cared so much for thinking he no longer existed when he still had many years (hopefully) left of life, years that he wanted to share with her.
“I can handle it,” he said, reminding her of her words, and attempting to convince himself as well.
He moved by to open the door when he heard her softly say, “I hope so.”
His heart was pounding as he pulled the door open and without hesitation he walked in and closed it behind him.
Sakura was laying on the cot in the far corner of the room. He stepped forward and took a steadying breath. “Sakura?”
She rolled over and her eyes slowly opened to look at him. Her dull green orbs widened as she bolted upright. She recognized him, he was certain, but her eyes were wide with fear - as if she had been trapped by a vicious animal.
“It’s okay,” he began, but she would not have it.
She screamed and scrambled into the farthest corner of the cot. Her hands came up to grab at her head. She clenched her eyes shut and he could pick up the words that were being chanted. “Not real, not real, he’s not real …”
Kakashi clenched his jaw. Anger swelled in him and an all too familiar pain constricted in his chest, seeming to squeeze at his heart. His voice sounded more pleading than he’d have liked for it to. “Sakura, it’s me.”
“No! You’re dead … Kakashi’s …” she choked back a sob. “He killed you! I watched him …” Her hands were trembling as she brought them to cover her face. Kakashi’s hands were trembling as well but from a far different reason. His knuckles ached as he un-balled his fists.
“That wasn’t real. I’m here,” he assured her.
She made a small noise. “No, no. I-I held you as … y-your blood was-” her sentence died off as the sobs she had been fighting broke free.
“Damn it, Sakura, I’m not dead. You have to remember,” he exclaimed as he came forward.
She merely curled further into herself at his words. How could Sasuke do such a thing? The images and memories he created for her must have been truly horrible. Had his former pupil really turned so cold and cruel, to hurt those that cared for him the most? To think that he had once seen a part of himself in that lonely, angry boy. He had wanted to help him. He thought he was doing the right thing, doing something good, by embracing his role as sensei, to mentor him. And now he wanted to snap his neck.
Slowly he came forward and sat on the edge of her bed and cautiously reached to her. She jumped as his hand met her arm and she backed away from him, pressing herself against the wall. His eyes softened, he suddenly missed the way she would lean into his touch and smile up at him.
He yanked down his mask and pushed his hitai-ate up, gently closing his eye. He turned toward her and firmly held her arms. “Sakura, look at me. Touch me. I’m alive and I’m here with you.”
“You can’t be,” she whispered.
“Naruto, Sai, you, and myself, we went on a mission to help a village, remember? Sasuke was leading them, we got separated. It shouldn’t have happened, I should have taken charge and ordered for us to retreat. When we finally regrouped you were missing. You encountered Sasuke, alone.”
She shook her head. “Stop.”
“I found you and you were alone in some sort of catatonic state.”
“No! I was fighting Sasuke when you showed up. You ... you told me to go, but I wouldn’t leave. If it hadn’t been for me … He ran a chidori through you, I saw it and I couldn’t stop it! I heard it, it was so loud…” The girl was hysterical., fresh tears carved a trail down her cheeks.
“Sakura-”
“And there was nothing I could do to help you. I couldn’t save you.”
“That didn’t happen. Sasuke used the Sharingan on you. I was never injured, I never fought him.”
“But, you did, I saw it with my own eyes!”
“Sakura, you have to remember what you were taught about the Sharingan, remember your training! This right here,” he paused and pulled her hands to him, to touch his chest. “This is very real.”
He let go of her hands to gently cup her face. She was startled at the contact but did not pull away. He opened his left eye and their gazes met and it all fell silent. He stared into her eyes; hard, searching, hoping, pleading for her to recall anything at all, for her to believe him and return to him. She raised a hand and placed it to his face, tracing the scar under his left eye. She tailed down his cheek and jaw, his neck, along his arm to rest over the hand on her face.
“Kakashi.”
He lightly nodded and she closed her eyes and leaned forward into him. He wrapped his arms around her and let his guard fall as she finally hugged him back.
“You’re so warm,” she muttered into his chest. “You’re really here.”
“I am.”
She pulled back to look up at him. Her eyes had welled with tears but she refused to let them fall. She eagerly pressed her lips to his taking him by surprise. He kissed back for a moment before breaking away.
“Sakura, wait, this is too fast. You’re still recovering and Tsunade needs to see you. This is the first time I’ve seen you since what happened.”
“I know.”
“We’ll have plenty of time.”
“I know but, I’ve been without you, without anyone, for so long. I’ve missed the way you make me feel.”
She leaned into his touch as he swept some loose hair behind her ear. The sad look on her face was heartbreaking and he wanted nothing more than to see her smile, just once. He rubbed his thumb over her lips as if he could erase the frown.
“Kiss me, please.” Her hands curled into his shirt. “Please.”
She was begging for a kiss. Begging. And he couldn’t see her that way. So he tilted her face to his and allowed their lips to meet. She brought herself closer to him, needing to feel him and she desperately pressed to deepen the kiss. His lips parted and he felt himself sigh. The smooth, velvety swipe of her tongue against his was heavenly and he truly had missed being with her. He was relieved and grateful to have her in his arms again.
She took charge as she crawled into his lap and let her hands float all over his body. Before he realized it, she was grinding against him and panting into his mouth, her hands working the buttons on his pants.
“Slow down,” he managed to say. We should stop while I still can never made it out of his mouth because it was covered by hers and then she was fisting his length, stroking him to full hardness. He gasped and pulled back, biting down on his lip as her breath fanned across his neck, followed by lips and tongue. He should stop her, he knew it, but couldn’t act on it. He wasn’t sure when she had removed her panties but she was suddenly aligning him to her entrance and sinking down onto him. He grunted and groaned as he was fully sheathed in her tight, blissful, heat.
“Hold me,” she whispered. So he did. He held her close, their chests pressed together as she began to move. Then nothing mattered anymore. Kakashi didn’t seem to care that they were in a room in the Tower with ANBU right outside. So what if they were on a lumpy excuse for a bed and still half dressed? Right now he had Sakura and that was all that was important.
She moaned and trembled against him and he guided her arms around his neck. She wove her fingers into his hair and gasped as she came down onto him again and again. He moved her legs and maneuvered them on the bedding so she was flat on her back and he was at liberty to push into her. He moved with slow, deep thrusts, taking in the feel of her rippling and clenching around him. She angled her hips and met him move for move. Her hands gripped his shoulders as soft moans fell from her lips. She felt so good and he was already so close.
“Kakashi, I’m - “
Perhaps she was being mindful of the company just outside, but usually when he brought her to climax she would cry out in sheer bliss, moaning and panting with each additional thrust until he followed her. Yet this time she was quieter, moaning through tight pressed lips as her body shook, her head tossing from side to side. Her slick feminine walls clamped down around him and a noise resembling her name was growled into her shoulder as he spilled his seed inside her with short, jerky thrusts.
Tired and sated, Kakashi was content to stay there and rest against her, but that’s when he noticed that something wasn’t quite right. Sakura’s breathing wasn’t regular, not that he expected it to be steady after all, but it kept hitching and she was shuddering against him. He pulled away to look at her but her face was turned away from his. He rolled off of her and to her side.
“Sakura?”
He coaxed her to look at him. Her eyes were glistening with tears and he smoothed a hand through her hair.
“I’m sorry,” she said and then broke down. He didn’t want to smother her, he knew she must still be coping and getting adjusted and he suddenly felt like an animal. He really should have stopped her. Regardless, he wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone so he put his arm around her and let his fingers massage and play at the back of her neck, raking his fingers through her hair.
After a few minutes of good crying she started to calm down; sobs gave way to sniffles which eventually faded as well. The silence stretched on between them and for a moment he thought maybe she had fallen asleep, but then her soft voice reached his ears.
“You’re going to leave soon, aren’t you?”
“Just for a while. Tsunade’s going to have to see you.”
She sat up and found her panties and slipped them back on. Instead of sitting back down again, she walked around the small room. So Kakashi got out of bed and fastened his pants and straightened his clothes.
“Am I going to see you again?” she asked as she turned toward him.
“Of course. Why would you ask a question like that?”
She looked up at him and placed her hand on his bare cheek, letting her thumb stroke over his jaw. She sighed and gave a sad smile. “I think I understand now, why you had that haunted look in your eye sometimes.”
“Sakura-”
“What should I do? Do you think I should tell Tsunade?”
He wasn’t quite following her train of thought. “About?”
“You and what just happened,” she stated as if it were obvious.
“I don’t believe she’d care to know all the details.”
“What if she thinks I’m crazy? She’ll never believe I saw you, let alone …” Her voice trailed off and the strange look from earlier returned.
Kakashi took a step back from her, her hand falling away from him. He watched as she turned and paced the room wringing her hands together. She was mumbling to herself. His knees felt weak and his stomach turned as he finally understood - she never once believed he was really alive and with her. He went to call her name but his throat felt tight and dry.
She squatted in the middle of the floor and hugged her knees. “You’re going to haunt me forever.”
He clenched his jaw and held his breath. He didn’t know why, he wasn’t sure if it was to fight the nauseated feeling rising in his stomach or the tears pricking at his eyes. Team 7 was the first group of students he had passed. They were the first group he brought himself to care for and he never considered that those feelings would ever evolve into something more, especially with a woman like Sakura. And now … now it was all being taken away.
Sakura stood and walked over to him, her mood shifting once more, and she held out his hitai-ate for him to take. He reached for it but lacked the will to tie it back in place. She leaned into him and placed a chaste kiss to his mouth. She took a good, hard look at him and to Kakashi, it was as if she was trying to memorize every feature about him. Then, she raised his mask and slipped it back into place.
There was a knock on the door before it opened and Shizune entered. She offered a small smile as she approached Sakura. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine, just a little tired,” she replied, nervously looking away from Kakashi.
“How about some tempura for lunch?”
“Sounds good.”
“Okay. Tsunade will be by shortly.”
Shizune turned and headed back to the door, glancing out of the corner of her eye at Kakashi as she passed by. She wanted to give him some kind of reassurance, but it really wasn’t her place and she didn’t want to give him a false sense of hope. Only her action (or rather, inaction) seemed to further convince Sakura that Kakashi was not really there.
“So, I guess you’re going now huh?”
Kakashi nodded, still unable to bring himself to say anything.
“I look forward to seeing you again, I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m crazy.”
He swallowed thickly and turned around. He needed to get out of there, be by himself and try to wrap his head around what just happened. He closed the door behind him and came face to face with a surprised Tsunade.
She took in Kakashi’s appearance, his wrinkled shirt, the distraught look in his eye and the hitai-ate dangling from his fingers. “Kakashi, what happened?”
He met her gaze and for a moment she could perfectly read him and she knew that things had not gone well.
“What happened?” she asked again.
She saw his hand sign a little too late. “Hatake!” She reached for him but he poof-ed away and she was left grasping at smoke. She growled. “That damn brat.”
“Should we go after him Hokage-sama?”
“No, leave him be,” she answered with a sigh. She opened the door and was greeted by a smiling Sakura.
“Hey, Shizune was just here,” she said.
“Really? So what’s for lunch today?”
“Tempura.”
Tsunade nodded with a faint smile. “So, have you been having anymore headaches lately?”
“A few, but they’re manageable.” Sakura watched as she jotted down a few notes. “Um, Tsunade-shishou?”
“Yes?”
“Do you … This is going to sound silly but, do you believe in ghosts?”
“Ghosts?”
Sakura nodded and Tsunade put her arm around her, understanding now and silently offering Kakashi an apology.
.oOo.
He hadn’t eaten all day and as the first pub opened that afternoon, Kakashi found himself sitting in the farthest corner filling his stomach with shochu. He felt trapped, suffocated, under the weight that had settled on his shoulders. Nothing had helped him escape; not his literature, or visiting the cenotaph, or even the glasses of alcohol that kept coming.
He slapped some ryou on the table and stumbled out of the back door. His limbs felt loose, his cheeks warm and his head light, but his heart still ached and nothing dulled that pain. On top of it all was the guilt, guilt for not acting sooner and possibly avoiding what happened to Sakura, guilt for not stopping her earlier. She was so warm and inviting and he was weak and so happy to see her and to touch her, to smell her. But to her, he was just a ghost (a sick perverted ghost who still took pleasure in her body, his mind added).
He swayed on his feet and suddenly his stomach lurched. He doubled over, coughed, and ripped his mask down just in time as his stomach decided to empty itself. He cleared his throat and spit before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He fixed himself and continued miserably down the street. He passed by a convenience store then paused and backtracked.
With his purchase tucked away in his pocket he ventured back to his apartment where he made his way to the rooftop. He sat on the ledge facing the north that overlooked the grand forest that stretched all the way to the Fire Temple. He pulled the box from his pocket and unwrapped it. He tilted his head back and stared out into the grey sky that concealed the sun.
He didn’t think his day would end like this: alone on the roof, craving the warmth from the sun, from petite arms wrapped around his shoulders, fighting back tears and ignoring the tender rumbling of his stomach. He didn’t think it would end with his mind full of doubts and memories of his other mistakes. There was a brief flicker of fire and the strong familiar scent of tobacco tickled his nose, raced down his throat and filled his lungs. His optimism had led to the crushing feeling that was now encompassing him.
He had pictured himself curled up with a good book after a good meal, or curled up with his favorite green-eyed woman. Instead he clutched onto Asuma’s favorite blend (the best in Fire, he had said) that was only sold at that corner store and laughed humorlessly. His day -his imperfect, gut-wrenching, emotionally exhausting day - it ended with a cigarette.