(no subject)
You know, I guess I knew this was coming. Hell, I had even thought of bring it up myself. But the question I keep asking is... if I knew, why does it hurt so much?
Pat and I broke up tonight. I guess it's for good. I don't know. Part of me hopes it's not and part of my knows that it is. He said "we" weren't going anywhere.
And you know the saddest part? Whenever I was feeling down, or lost, Pat was the person I turned to, if not to talk, then to at least take my mind away from everything for a little while. And now that I feel so down and lost, Pat is the only person I really want to talk to, even though he's the cause.
I pretty much slammed the door in his face tonight. I don't know why I did it, maybe only so that he wouldn't see me cry once again. I had thought all my tears had been spent over this particular subject, but I guess I was wrong. I guess I was wrong about a lot of things.
I shouldn't have ordered that second drink with dinner tonight. I didn't really need to be drinking at all. I think that's why I'm so fucked up right now.
Foolish me, for thinking that things were getting better. I was finally starting to get my life together again, with a really good job prospect and starting to look forward to things again. I had hoped Pat would be a part of that. I had kind of banked on him being there for me. He always warned me that I shouldn't depend on him, and well, he was right. I was depending on him right now to be there for me because I needed him right now, and, well, now he's not there.
He said I could call him anytime I needed him... but I don't want a brother or a friend. That's not what I need right now.
He said he guessed he was just an ex now. I told him that was his decision, not mine.
He asked if I had liked the way he was when we were living together. The only answer I have, which I didn't say, was that, I'm changing. Maybe not in all the ways that he would like or want, but I am, and I wasn't changing for him. I'm still changing, and I'm changing for me, because I saw things that I didn't like about myself, things that I knew needed to change. But he'll never see that now. I don't even know if I want him to see that.
I don't know if he'll read this. I told him I didn't want him to call anymore. I lied. I do want him to call. I want him to be in and a part of my life. But I don't want the only motivation to be pity or obligation. He said at times I can be intoxicating.
I'm sorry, this doesn't make a lot of sense right now. I'm pretty drunk, and really upset. I guess what gets me the most is he acted like nothing was wrong before all this came up. During the movie (we went to the theater before this conversation) he acted just like he normally does. And I'm so confused and so hurt and so lost.
He acted like nothing was wrong, like nothing had changed. Acted just like he had for the last couple of weeks, when I thought we were trying to start over maybe, or at least trying to mend what had broken. He says he'll always care. I think that's what hurts the most, because I know I'll always love him. But I guess it just isn't enough, and never will be. I don't know if it ever was.
Maybe they were all right. Maybe I really am not enough. The part of me that benefitted from Pat, the part that had started to show some confidence, keeps saying that I am enough, that this is just some really, really bad timing or whatever, but I don't know what part to listen to.
I guess I feel betrayed. Maybe by myself than anything else. What was I thinking, hoping that my love would be enough. It never has been.
He said he cared. Said he would always care.
Pat and I broke up tonight. I guess it's for good. I don't know. Part of me hopes it's not and part of my knows that it is. He said "we" weren't going anywhere.
And you know the saddest part? Whenever I was feeling down, or lost, Pat was the person I turned to, if not to talk, then to at least take my mind away from everything for a little while. And now that I feel so down and lost, Pat is the only person I really want to talk to, even though he's the cause.
I pretty much slammed the door in his face tonight. I don't know why I did it, maybe only so that he wouldn't see me cry once again. I had thought all my tears had been spent over this particular subject, but I guess I was wrong. I guess I was wrong about a lot of things.
I shouldn't have ordered that second drink with dinner tonight. I didn't really need to be drinking at all. I think that's why I'm so fucked up right now.
Foolish me, for thinking that things were getting better. I was finally starting to get my life together again, with a really good job prospect and starting to look forward to things again. I had hoped Pat would be a part of that. I had kind of banked on him being there for me. He always warned me that I shouldn't depend on him, and well, he was right. I was depending on him right now to be there for me because I needed him right now, and, well, now he's not there.
He said I could call him anytime I needed him... but I don't want a brother or a friend. That's not what I need right now.
He said he guessed he was just an ex now. I told him that was his decision, not mine.
He asked if I had liked the way he was when we were living together. The only answer I have, which I didn't say, was that, I'm changing. Maybe not in all the ways that he would like or want, but I am, and I wasn't changing for him. I'm still changing, and I'm changing for me, because I saw things that I didn't like about myself, things that I knew needed to change. But he'll never see that now. I don't even know if I want him to see that.
I don't know if he'll read this. I told him I didn't want him to call anymore. I lied. I do want him to call. I want him to be in and a part of my life. But I don't want the only motivation to be pity or obligation. He said at times I can be intoxicating.
I'm sorry, this doesn't make a lot of sense right now. I'm pretty drunk, and really upset. I guess what gets me the most is he acted like nothing was wrong before all this came up. During the movie (we went to the theater before this conversation) he acted just like he normally does. And I'm so confused and so hurt and so lost.
He acted like nothing was wrong, like nothing had changed. Acted just like he had for the last couple of weeks, when I thought we were trying to start over maybe, or at least trying to mend what had broken. He says he'll always care. I think that's what hurts the most, because I know I'll always love him. But I guess it just isn't enough, and never will be. I don't know if it ever was.
Maybe they were all right. Maybe I really am not enough. The part of me that benefitted from Pat, the part that had started to show some confidence, keeps saying that I am enough, that this is just some really, really bad timing or whatever, but I don't know what part to listen to.
I guess I feel betrayed. Maybe by myself than anything else. What was I thinking, hoping that my love would be enough. It never has been.
He said he cared. Said he would always care.