Restless in Louisville...
Yeah, I'm really restless tonight. No idea why. I don't even feel well enough to be truly restless, but there's just something wrong. It's like I can't concentrate on anything. I can't sit down and do anything, because nothing holds my attention for very long. In fact, I've tried to write here like four times tonight and only got as far as the main page of the website before I wandered off to do something different.
My stomach is really upset tonight. But it doesn't feel like nausea or anything. It's like pain. I'd say it feels like cramps but this is kinda weird... I dunno. I just feel strange tonight.
Found out that a certain someone is getting married in two weeks. Not really sure how I feel about that one. Not really sure how I feel about the fact that no one told me, either. You know, I always said that I felt like an outsider no matter how many friends I had. I think I understand more fully what I meant by that now. It's like... out of sight, out of mind, you know? The only person I've really kept in contact with from Bellarmine is Josh, and he's in fucking Mass. I mean... Erica and I were close for quite a while. I know I kind gave up on that friendship because she was more interested in the random ass she could get on Louisville mojo than anything else. Katie and I were even closer for a while... but she doesn't answer her phone anymore.
I know I don't make a huge effort to stay in touch with people. I rarely pick up the phone and call someone unless it's important or it's Pat. I don't go hang out anywhere much. I'm sort of a hermit as of late. But you know what, it's not a one sided deal. It would be nice once in a while to get a call from Katie to go hang out or something. I miss going to lunch with her or Richard. I miss hanging out at WH with the whole group.
Admittedly, I enjoy the more intimate, one-on-one things like just Katie, or just Richard... but sometimes a group is nice. I dunno. Feels a lot like high school.
And you know... there another thing that bothering me. I know it was said in jest (at least partially), and I have no idea why it's running through my head lately. But a couple months ago, Pat said he could never marry me, because I'm already married. To my camera.
Am I really that absorbed in my photography? I know I used my photography as an excuse last winter to avoid a lot of people because it was easier that way. I didn't really want to hang out with anyone last winter, so I buried myself in the darkroom and didn't come out. But has it really encompassed so much of my life that I'm married to it?
How did life get so complicated? I mean, it seems that not too long ago, I was just drifting. Okay, I was never really drifting. I've always had too much drive and desire to just "drift." But things seemed slower, calmer. The pieces seemed to fit into place. There weren't so many choices and paths. Maybe I'm just confused tonight.
I think I'm still scared. Okay... let me rephrase that. I know I'm terrified. I terrified of this move. I'm terrified of leaving my son. I'm terrified of Pat. I'm terrified of myself. My confidence is severely lacking at this point.
I'm going to the best photography school in the country. Am I cut out for it? I know I have talent, but is that enough? Pretty soon, I'm going to be competing with people from all over the world in a very competitive field.
God. What the fuck was I thinking? I'm giving up everything at this one chance, this one shot. I can't back out now. Well... I could, but I'd never get this chance again. I have a feeling that if I backed out now, Brooks would never accept me again. And I know I won't be happy anywhere else.
Another thing that scares me is the fact that Pat's parents are taking money out of his inheritance to help us with the move. Wow... that's a frightening thought. I mean, talk about comitting yourself to something. That's part of his life. I don't know if I could do it.
But you know, something about this still feels so right. It's like it's calling to me. Part of me just knows that this is the absolutely right thing to do. I'm still trying to decide whether that's the intelligent part or the idiotic part.
I think I'm going to take a bath or a shower or something. Maybe it'll make me feel better.
My stomach is really upset tonight. But it doesn't feel like nausea or anything. It's like pain. I'd say it feels like cramps but this is kinda weird... I dunno. I just feel strange tonight.
Found out that a certain someone is getting married in two weeks. Not really sure how I feel about that one. Not really sure how I feel about the fact that no one told me, either. You know, I always said that I felt like an outsider no matter how many friends I had. I think I understand more fully what I meant by that now. It's like... out of sight, out of mind, you know? The only person I've really kept in contact with from Bellarmine is Josh, and he's in fucking Mass. I mean... Erica and I were close for quite a while. I know I kind gave up on that friendship because she was more interested in the random ass she could get on Louisville mojo than anything else. Katie and I were even closer for a while... but she doesn't answer her phone anymore.
I know I don't make a huge effort to stay in touch with people. I rarely pick up the phone and call someone unless it's important or it's Pat. I don't go hang out anywhere much. I'm sort of a hermit as of late. But you know what, it's not a one sided deal. It would be nice once in a while to get a call from Katie to go hang out or something. I miss going to lunch with her or Richard. I miss hanging out at WH with the whole group.
Admittedly, I enjoy the more intimate, one-on-one things like just Katie, or just Richard... but sometimes a group is nice. I dunno. Feels a lot like high school.
And you know... there another thing that bothering me. I know it was said in jest (at least partially), and I have no idea why it's running through my head lately. But a couple months ago, Pat said he could never marry me, because I'm already married. To my camera.
Am I really that absorbed in my photography? I know I used my photography as an excuse last winter to avoid a lot of people because it was easier that way. I didn't really want to hang out with anyone last winter, so I buried myself in the darkroom and didn't come out. But has it really encompassed so much of my life that I'm married to it?
How did life get so complicated? I mean, it seems that not too long ago, I was just drifting. Okay, I was never really drifting. I've always had too much drive and desire to just "drift." But things seemed slower, calmer. The pieces seemed to fit into place. There weren't so many choices and paths. Maybe I'm just confused tonight.
I think I'm still scared. Okay... let me rephrase that. I know I'm terrified. I terrified of this move. I'm terrified of leaving my son. I'm terrified of Pat. I'm terrified of myself. My confidence is severely lacking at this point.
I'm going to the best photography school in the country. Am I cut out for it? I know I have talent, but is that enough? Pretty soon, I'm going to be competing with people from all over the world in a very competitive field.
God. What the fuck was I thinking? I'm giving up everything at this one chance, this one shot. I can't back out now. Well... I could, but I'd never get this chance again. I have a feeling that if I backed out now, Brooks would never accept me again. And I know I won't be happy anywhere else.
Another thing that scares me is the fact that Pat's parents are taking money out of his inheritance to help us with the move. Wow... that's a frightening thought. I mean, talk about comitting yourself to something. That's part of his life. I don't know if I could do it.
But you know, something about this still feels so right. It's like it's calling to me. Part of me just knows that this is the absolutely right thing to do. I'm still trying to decide whether that's the intelligent part or the idiotic part.
I think I'm going to take a bath or a shower or something. Maybe it'll make me feel better.