Surrender or Submission?

Mar 23, 2005 02:45

Submit : To yield oneself to the power of another.
Surrender : To give up possession; to relinquish possession.

It's been on my mind since Pat left tonight. The difference between submission and surrender, submissive and slave. We were talking about it, one of our random conversations that tends to crop up whenever we have time for idle chatter. He asked me if I would like be his slave. Not a slave, but his slave. My answer? Well, let me give a little back story first. You know... mood and everything.

About two years ago, I was attending a meeting for a local BDSM group with two friends of mine, both male, both dominants, but neither of them mine. Anyway, another male at the meeting asked me if I was a submissive looking for a dominant. I told him I was a slave looking for a Master. He looked confused for a moment, and then muttered something about that's what he meant.

No, that's not what he meant. He meant exactly what he'd said. Because there is a difference between a Master and a dominant, a slave and a submissive. A dominant enjoys the illusion of being in control. A Master is in control. A submissive enjoys the illusion of giving up control. A slave is controlled. But that's just a very base definition. There's a much broader, more complex difference between the two.

And that is why I turned the, although well-meaning (probably), dominant down for a scene. It's a problem I've had before and have no desire to revisit. It's a problem I had with my exhusband. When a dominant encounters a slave, the dominant will do one of two things. They will bend in their beliefs and practices and grow, becoming a fledgling Master. Or they will break. You hear a breaking a slave and so forth, and that can happen (in the opposite senario of a submissive encountering a Master), but a lot of the time, a slave will break a dominant. Because the slave has very few, if any, limits, the dominant will effectively become drunk on the power they wield. In the case of my exhusband, it lead to abuse, which often will happen.

As it will, technically, I am both. It doesn't take anything for me to submit. A strong arm, a forceful word. Submission is the easy part. It is my nature to submit. Hell, in high school, the guys I dated were, at the very least, twice my size. Submitting to that was not hard considering they probably could've killed me if they'd tried. If I take a random assignation with someone I'm not likely to see ever again, or, at least, never have sex with again, they see a submissive.

But surrendering is harder. I do not surrender easily. For all that I am a slave, and getting my submission requires nothing more than a word, gaining my surrender takes skill. I spoke truly when I said I sought a Master. I want someone that I can surrender myself to.

I read an article recently that stated a "submissive has a choice, for a slave, there is no choice." I both agree, and disagree with that statement. There is always a choice, no matter which category you fall under. The only difference is that, while a submissive will choose, and choose again and again, for a slave, there are two choices. The first is to surrender completely. That is a choice. The second is to walk away. In this day and age, slavery is not necessarily a lifetime contract. You may enter a contract willingly, and hope that this is what you've been looking for, that this is what you've needed. However, it just doesn't work sometimes. That is when you, respectfully, request release. If there are truly irreparable differences, a proper Master will grant your request.

There is even a difference in this. A dominant and submissive may part ways many times, and eventually find themselve together again, trying something new. A Master and slave will part and there is no going back. Each is the way they are, and you cannot change that. If you cannot accept something your Master/slave does now, you won't be able to accept it in five or ten years either. Once you walk away, that bridge is burned.

Which is why I've been very careful about who I have surrendered to. I've had dominants, and while they offer a pleasant distraction, they are not what I crave. I've had Masters, as well. That is what I want.

I find it almost funny that I'm a slave. I started my BDSM career as a dominant. I played around a little at having men submit to me, you know the routine. It was interesting, and while I did it, I enjoyed it. But it was during a party that I met my first Master. He knew what I was from the minute he saw me and played at being submissive for a while. I supposed fortunately for me, I don't tie a skillful knot. I had him tied down once and, while I wasn't paying attention to his hand, he got loose. Little more is needed to be known other than he taught me well that I wasn't cut out to be a dominant.

Now, back to the question at hand. Would I like to be Pat's slave? Yes.

For anyone who has never made the decision to surrender to some one else, you wouldn't understand if I tried to explain it. For someone who has never known what it feels like to kneel attendant, there are no words to describe it properly. There is something about completely letting go and knowing that you are in another's hand without having a say in the matter.

Which brings up another subject. A safe word. Submissives use safe words to let their dominant known when play has gone too far and it needs to either be slowed down or stopped. It is the control a submissive has, saying how far they will go and no farther. A slave does not have that luxury. Certainly, I have used a safe word before, either with an unknown dominant or at the request of whoever I was with. But I don't like it, and have never actually spoken it. By the very nature of the safe word, it undermines all that a Master and slave are.

The Master must know his slave perfectly, inside and out. A slave knows that her Master will not ask of her something that would be harmful. The Master understands that the slave is his to protect, even from herself if need be. A slave expects that there will be things the Master will ask that may not be particularly to her liking. She may, respectfully, inform the Master of her preferences, but that is only information, and it is in his purview whether to acknowledge those preferences or not.

Lastly, but far from least, there is trust. This is the most important element of this type of relationship. Trust. The Master trusts the slave to obey. It is not necessarily an unquestioning obedience, but it is obedience nonetheless. And the slave trusts that whatever is being asked of her will not be harmful. Note, I say harmful. Some of it may be painful, and in some cases, extremely so. But it will not harm her.

Pat is someone I could surrender to. I trust his control, no just over me but over himself, which is an important thing. I trust that he wouldn't harm me. I understand and even expect pain, as it is something that I enjoy. Anyone who understands what subspace means knows what I'm talking about. But he wouldn't harm me, unintentionally or otherwise.

Does this mean I want to crawl around on my hands and knees all the time or never sit in a chair but kneel on the floor? Not really. My knees would never forgive me if I never got up off the floor. However, kneeling and crawling are both things that I do enjoy from time to time, not necessarily infrenquently, just not all the time. However, that, also, is not my choice. It is my preference, but that can be disregarded as can anything else.

It's a delicate balance, Master and slave.

I yield.
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