I'm pathetic
I've been listening to some of the filk music I downloaded and wishing I could be 'as good as them'... I can imagine myself making a stir in the fairly small pond that is filk, but realistically I know it's never going to happen. And I feel stirrings of jealousy towards the people I'm listening to because they're Really Good... and it's stupid. Of course they're good - they're the ones who made it... and they made it because they are EXTREMELY gifted people. They could sing and write and compose and perform... there is no point whatsoever in being jealous of them because they have what I just wish I did, because wishing is all it is...
It's just that if I was really good at something, anything, people would have to recognise me... they'd know me for what I could do, and they'd want to spend time with me, and I wouldn't be so desperately isolated. It wouldn't be so hard because people would think it was worth the effort to be with me, instead of thinking I'm a weirdo who doesn't have a life.
The truly pathetic part is that when I'm honest with myself I know that it's my own fault that I'm in this mess - I don't know how to talk to people and I don't know how to be with people... when I'm confronted by a situation where I might actually have to make social contact with someone I don't know, I freeze like a deer in the headlights. People don't want to be with me because I'm not fun or interesting or exciting... I'm BORING and awkward and socially incompetent and I have absolutely nothing to talk about that might be of interest to anyone else.
I'm so pathetic that when we went to the concert on Sunday night I panicked all the way there because I bought the tickets online and I was afraid that something would go wrong and they hadn't gone through or they lost them and they wouldn't let us in... I almost told John I wanted to turn around and go home again before we even got there... of course when we did get there it was nothing... but there were lots of people there talking to each other and did we say one word to anyone else? Of COURSE not. The closest we came to social contact was smiling at the lady in front of us... and when we go to church any place, we just sit there... I want to do better but I can't seem to manage it. When I'm put into the situation of trying to socialise I just want to run away and hide... No wonder my adorable scaredy-cat Scouty loves me - I'm her on two legs...
It's nothing new... I've been like this since I was twelve years old. Moving to a new country didn't help, because it removed me from the few acquaintances that I had, but it didn't really change anything. I was incredibly isolated there too... I hoped that moving would give me a chance to start afresh and to make a new life where I actually had friends... but I should have known that it would never happen.
We're going to a science fiction convention in Orlando at the end of the month and I'm looking forward to it because there's supposed to be filk, but I'm afraid that it'll be the social disaster that everything else I do is... and that I'll hate it because I'm overwhelmed by all the strangers having fun. I don't want to ruin yet another event for John (and for myself) :(
It's just that if I was really good at something, anything, people would have to recognise me... they'd know me for what I could do, and they'd want to spend time with me, and I wouldn't be so desperately isolated. It wouldn't be so hard because people would think it was worth the effort to be with me, instead of thinking I'm a weirdo who doesn't have a life.
The truly pathetic part is that when I'm honest with myself I know that it's my own fault that I'm in this mess - I don't know how to talk to people and I don't know how to be with people... when I'm confronted by a situation where I might actually have to make social contact with someone I don't know, I freeze like a deer in the headlights. People don't want to be with me because I'm not fun or interesting or exciting... I'm BORING and awkward and socially incompetent and I have absolutely nothing to talk about that might be of interest to anyone else.
I'm so pathetic that when we went to the concert on Sunday night I panicked all the way there because I bought the tickets online and I was afraid that something would go wrong and they hadn't gone through or they lost them and they wouldn't let us in... I almost told John I wanted to turn around and go home again before we even got there... of course when we did get there it was nothing... but there were lots of people there talking to each other and did we say one word to anyone else? Of COURSE not. The closest we came to social contact was smiling at the lady in front of us... and when we go to church any place, we just sit there... I want to do better but I can't seem to manage it. When I'm put into the situation of trying to socialise I just want to run away and hide... No wonder my adorable scaredy-cat Scouty loves me - I'm her on two legs...
It's nothing new... I've been like this since I was twelve years old. Moving to a new country didn't help, because it removed me from the few acquaintances that I had, but it didn't really change anything. I was incredibly isolated there too... I hoped that moving would give me a chance to start afresh and to make a new life where I actually had friends... but I should have known that it would never happen.
We're going to a science fiction convention in Orlando at the end of the month and I'm looking forward to it because there's supposed to be filk, but I'm afraid that it'll be the social disaster that everything else I do is... and that I'll hate it because I'm overwhelmed by all the strangers having fun. I don't want to ruin yet another event for John (and for myself) :(