Yuletide 2006
I received the lovely, understated Transit of Venus by serenissima, which is historical RPF (Captain James Cook/Joseph Banks). Yay historical RPF!
I wrote:
Title: Happiness is Fleeting
Fandom: Penny Arcade
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "Please tell me you didn't trade Kara and Brenna for a monkey." "No! Of course not! It was a Playstation 3."
Length: ~1300 words
Read it in all its beautifully formatted glory here, at the Yuletide Archive, or behind the LJ cut.
Gabe lunged out of his room, eyes glittering like a crazed ferret's. "Oh my God, I am in so much trouble. You have to help me."
Tycho didn't look up from his computer. "What did you do now? And please be aware that I am only asking in order to better mock your suffering."
"I accidentally sold Kara on the internet."
Tycho stopped in mid-click. "How in God's name did you manage to do that?"
"Iuh, lookthat's not the important part. The important part is that tomorrow morning, burly men will be arriving to pick her up and ship her to Kyrgyzstan or something. Stop laughing!"
Tycho wiped away his tears of mirth. "I'm sorry. Let's go back to the part where you think I'm going to help you."
Gabe held out a piece of paper. "It's possible that I also sold Brenna. And that your name is on the receipt. Hey, your eye is doing that twitching thing again."
After Gabe and Tycho left, and the echoes of the yelling and cursing had faded away, stillness settled over the house. In the kitchen, golden sunlight filtered in through dirty windows to lie gleaming over the lush curves of oranges and pears nestled in a bowl on the counter.
And then the silence was broken by a loud, obscene squelch.
"Okay," Tycho said. "Kara and Brenna will be back this afternoon from...whatever girl thing they're doing now. As long as we can get this taken care of before the burly men are supposed to show up, they don't have to know about this."
"Oh fucking fuck," Gabe said suddenly. "Div was in the room when we were talking about all this."
"So was the catso what? Besides, Div was passed out drunk."
"Passed out drunk is practically sober for Div! At least the cat won't tell anybody."
"And you think Div is going to go out of his way to tellmother of God, we have to distract him before they get home. Call Safety Monkey right now."
Gabe dialed as the car careened down the street. "Monkey, it's Gabe. I need you to buy one hundred dollars of the cheapest liquor you can find and leave it on our kitchen counter."
There was a pause.
"This isn't like last time!"
Another pause.
"Listen, you whiny-ass little bitch, you're going to do this or I'm going to"
Tycho yanked the phone out of his hand.
"Sorry, Monkey, Gabe's a little upset today. We really need you to do us this favor."
"It's justlast time, my mom had to bail me out," Monkey said.
"I know," Tycho said soothingly, "but this is different. Nobody's going to get in trouble, I swear."
"Well"
"Great! You can use the money in Gabe's piggy bank"
"Hey!"
"and remember, if it comes in a glass bottle, it's too expensive. Oh, and if Kara and Brenna ever ask, we were with you the whole day."
"Oh, man"
Tycho hung up.
"This is the place," Gabe said.
The ornate, freshly painted sign out front declared the ramshackle warehouse to be Mr. Mortimer's Magical Monkey Mporium.
"That missing 'e' kills a tiny part of my soul," Tycho said.
" 'Monkey' only has one 'e.' "
"And there goes another little piece. Please tell me you didn't trade Kara and Brenna for a monkey."
"No! Of course not!"
Tycho looked at him.
"It was a Playstation 3. But if I'd known what the company's name was, I would have demanded a monkey, too."
The door creaked atmospherically when the pushed it open. Mr. Mortimer's office was located in the center of a warren of dimly lit hallways. His secretary did in fact appear to be quite burly.
"Hi," Gabe said. "We have business with Mr. Mortimer."
"Show him the receipt," Tycho whispered.
"I, uh, I didn't bring it with me."
"What?"
"Well, I figured he probably hadn't brought that many women off the internet lately!"
After a brief consultation over the phone, they were allowed into the office. Mr. Mortimer looked like a miniaturized John Candy with an enormous pith helmet. Tycho was expecting more primate-themed decoration, but the office was bland and unassuming.
"What can I do for you boys?" Mr. Mortimer asked expansively after they'd sat down.
"There's been a mistake," Tycho said. "Gabe didn't mean to sell you our girlfriends. Also, I'm pretty sure that's illegal. But you can keep the Playstation and we will just drop the whole thing."
Mr. Mortimer frowned. "Well now, I don't really have a use for that thingamabob, but I sure could use those girls. The monkeys get bored so easily, ya know."
Tycho swallowed hard. "Maybe we could work something out...Clean the cages or something."
"Lord, no, you're not qualified enough for that." He looked them up and down critically. "I guess you could entertain the monkeys, though. We'll have to send you down to wardrobe first, pretty you up a bit. Now, you said the girls had special talents..."
Thirty-five minutes and a makeover later, a crowd of monkeys was eyeing them suspiciously.
Gabe wobbled a little on his high heels as he flipped through the karaoke songbook.
"I think it's a sign of true friendship that you're willing to do this to help me," he said.
"That's a lovely sentiment," Tycho said, adjusting his fake boobs, "but when the poo-flinging starts I'm using your corpse as a human shield."
"Fair enough. Oooh, Dolly Parton!"
"I still can't believe you wouldn't let me take a monkey. We totally could've snagged one of those pocket-sized ones when they rushed the stage," Gabe said, unlocking the door. "Although they didn't seem all that magical to me."
Inside, empty liquor bottles were scattered across the living room and kitchen, but there was no sign of Div. Kara and Brenna glowered from the middle of the room.
Gabe leaned over and whispered, "Maybe they're the ones who drank all of it."
"I do envy your delightful fantasy world."
Kara held up a piece of paper. "Do you want to explain this?"
"I was drunk!"
"You said it was an accident," Tycho hissed.
"It was! A terrible drunken accident!"
"But don't worry, we took care of it. Look, we have a receipt."
"You bought us back?" Brenna asked.
"More like earned you back," Tycho said brightly.
Kara and Brenna slammed the door behind themselves so hard something cracked. Brenna opened it again and stuck her head in. "By the way, I'm not sleeping here again until you burn that mattress."
"What's wrong with your mattress?" Gabe asked.
Tycho opened the door to his room. "Dear God, my eyes!" he shrieked and slammed the door, but the image was burned into his retinas: the empty liquor bottles, the condom wrappers, the hollowed-out husks of fruit. The entwined metal and plastic limbs of two drunk appliances.
"Take a picture, princess, maybe you'll learn something," Div shouted from behind the door, and then, "Yeah, baby, harder." The terrible, clanking whirr increased in tempo, and Tycho fled.
Gabe was playing Tekken when he stumbled back into the living room. "So, what happened to your mattress?"
"Unspeakable things." Tycho flopped down onto the couch and picked up a controller.
"How long do you think it will be before they forgive us?" Gabe asked after a minute.
"What do you mean, us?"
"Longer than after that time with the thing? Because I don't know if I can last that long without sex!"
"Hm, yes, tragic. However will you manage?"
"It's different when there's two people involved! And you know how I get!"
"Oh, for the love offine, we can jerk off after WoW tonight. Are you happy now?"
"Yes."
"K.O.!"
"You button-mashing cockmonger!"
I wrote:
Title: Happiness is Fleeting
Fandom: Penny Arcade
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "Please tell me you didn't trade Kara and Brenna for a monkey." "No! Of course not! It was a Playstation 3."
Length: ~1300 words
Read it in all its beautifully formatted glory here, at the Yuletide Archive, or behind the LJ cut.
Gabe lunged out of his room, eyes glittering like a crazed ferret's. "Oh my God, I am in so much trouble. You have to help me."
Tycho didn't look up from his computer. "What did you do now? And please be aware that I am only asking in order to better mock your suffering."
"I accidentally sold Kara on the internet."
Tycho stopped in mid-click. "How in God's name did you manage to do that?"
"Iuh, lookthat's not the important part. The important part is that tomorrow morning, burly men will be arriving to pick her up and ship her to Kyrgyzstan or something. Stop laughing!"
Tycho wiped away his tears of mirth. "I'm sorry. Let's go back to the part where you think I'm going to help you."
Gabe held out a piece of paper. "It's possible that I also sold Brenna. And that your name is on the receipt. Hey, your eye is doing that twitching thing again."
After Gabe and Tycho left, and the echoes of the yelling and cursing had faded away, stillness settled over the house. In the kitchen, golden sunlight filtered in through dirty windows to lie gleaming over the lush curves of oranges and pears nestled in a bowl on the counter.
And then the silence was broken by a loud, obscene squelch.
"Okay," Tycho said. "Kara and Brenna will be back this afternoon from...whatever girl thing they're doing now. As long as we can get this taken care of before the burly men are supposed to show up, they don't have to know about this."
"Oh fucking fuck," Gabe said suddenly. "Div was in the room when we were talking about all this."
"So was the catso what? Besides, Div was passed out drunk."
"Passed out drunk is practically sober for Div! At least the cat won't tell anybody."
"And you think Div is going to go out of his way to tellmother of God, we have to distract him before they get home. Call Safety Monkey right now."
Gabe dialed as the car careened down the street. "Monkey, it's Gabe. I need you to buy one hundred dollars of the cheapest liquor you can find and leave it on our kitchen counter."
There was a pause.
"This isn't like last time!"
Another pause.
"Listen, you whiny-ass little bitch, you're going to do this or I'm going to"
Tycho yanked the phone out of his hand.
"Sorry, Monkey, Gabe's a little upset today. We really need you to do us this favor."
"It's justlast time, my mom had to bail me out," Monkey said.
"I know," Tycho said soothingly, "but this is different. Nobody's going to get in trouble, I swear."
"Well"
"Great! You can use the money in Gabe's piggy bank"
"Hey!"
"and remember, if it comes in a glass bottle, it's too expensive. Oh, and if Kara and Brenna ever ask, we were with you the whole day."
"Oh, man"
Tycho hung up.
"This is the place," Gabe said.
The ornate, freshly painted sign out front declared the ramshackle warehouse to be Mr. Mortimer's Magical Monkey Mporium.
"That missing 'e' kills a tiny part of my soul," Tycho said.
" 'Monkey' only has one 'e.' "
"And there goes another little piece. Please tell me you didn't trade Kara and Brenna for a monkey."
"No! Of course not!"
Tycho looked at him.
"It was a Playstation 3. But if I'd known what the company's name was, I would have demanded a monkey, too."
The door creaked atmospherically when the pushed it open. Mr. Mortimer's office was located in the center of a warren of dimly lit hallways. His secretary did in fact appear to be quite burly.
"Hi," Gabe said. "We have business with Mr. Mortimer."
"Show him the receipt," Tycho whispered.
"I, uh, I didn't bring it with me."
"What?"
"Well, I figured he probably hadn't brought that many women off the internet lately!"
After a brief consultation over the phone, they were allowed into the office. Mr. Mortimer looked like a miniaturized John Candy with an enormous pith helmet. Tycho was expecting more primate-themed decoration, but the office was bland and unassuming.
"What can I do for you boys?" Mr. Mortimer asked expansively after they'd sat down.
"There's been a mistake," Tycho said. "Gabe didn't mean to sell you our girlfriends. Also, I'm pretty sure that's illegal. But you can keep the Playstation and we will just drop the whole thing."
Mr. Mortimer frowned. "Well now, I don't really have a use for that thingamabob, but I sure could use those girls. The monkeys get bored so easily, ya know."
Tycho swallowed hard. "Maybe we could work something out...Clean the cages or something."
"Lord, no, you're not qualified enough for that." He looked them up and down critically. "I guess you could entertain the monkeys, though. We'll have to send you down to wardrobe first, pretty you up a bit. Now, you said the girls had special talents..."
Thirty-five minutes and a makeover later, a crowd of monkeys was eyeing them suspiciously.
Gabe wobbled a little on his high heels as he flipped through the karaoke songbook.
"I think it's a sign of true friendship that you're willing to do this to help me," he said.
"That's a lovely sentiment," Tycho said, adjusting his fake boobs, "but when the poo-flinging starts I'm using your corpse as a human shield."
"Fair enough. Oooh, Dolly Parton!"
"I still can't believe you wouldn't let me take a monkey. We totally could've snagged one of those pocket-sized ones when they rushed the stage," Gabe said, unlocking the door. "Although they didn't seem all that magical to me."
Inside, empty liquor bottles were scattered across the living room and kitchen, but there was no sign of Div. Kara and Brenna glowered from the middle of the room.
Gabe leaned over and whispered, "Maybe they're the ones who drank all of it."
"I do envy your delightful fantasy world."
Kara held up a piece of paper. "Do you want to explain this?"
"I was drunk!"
"You said it was an accident," Tycho hissed.
"It was! A terrible drunken accident!"
"But don't worry, we took care of it. Look, we have a receipt."
"You bought us back?" Brenna asked.
"More like earned you back," Tycho said brightly.
Kara and Brenna slammed the door behind themselves so hard something cracked. Brenna opened it again and stuck her head in. "By the way, I'm not sleeping here again until you burn that mattress."
"What's wrong with your mattress?" Gabe asked.
Tycho opened the door to his room. "Dear God, my eyes!" he shrieked and slammed the door, but the image was burned into his retinas: the empty liquor bottles, the condom wrappers, the hollowed-out husks of fruit. The entwined metal and plastic limbs of two drunk appliances.
"Take a picture, princess, maybe you'll learn something," Div shouted from behind the door, and then, "Yeah, baby, harder." The terrible, clanking whirr increased in tempo, and Tycho fled.
Gabe was playing Tekken when he stumbled back into the living room. "So, what happened to your mattress?"
"Unspeakable things." Tycho flopped down onto the couch and picked up a controller.
"How long do you think it will be before they forgive us?" Gabe asked after a minute.
"What do you mean, us?"
"Longer than after that time with the thing? Because I don't know if I can last that long without sex!"
"Hm, yes, tragic. However will you manage?"
"It's different when there's two people involved! And you know how I get!"
"Oh, for the love offine, we can jerk off after WoW tonight. Are you happy now?"
"Yes."
"K.O.!"
"You button-mashing cockmonger!"