Full moon tonight.
It's full and beautiful.
I can't remember the last time I admired a full moon. I feel as if with the right music and a warm blanket, I could be swept away just thinking underneath it.
I feel that I am at my most whimsical when there is something beautiful to look at. Sometimes I think I get caught up in day to day things, and I lose my way. Looking at something like that... it helps me center myself. I love it. I wish I could keep the vision in the back of my mind to draw upon when I need it most.
I need it most now, I think. Well, I know I need something. My body, my mind, my emotions... they yearn for something. Its something I know I had once, because the feeling is distant but familiar to me.
I could waste days trying to figure out just what that is.
I don't know if it's love. I don't know if I've ever been able to open up my heart enough to really feel that emotion. I know that I've tried. I think I scare myself away from that more than anything, or I feel as if I'm being dragged into it by someone I'm afraid of.
Maybe I just need to get over my fear. I don't show it, but I am afraid of a lot of things.
Especially the feeling of vulnerability, and nothing leaves you feeling more naked than trying to love someone, or trying to accept love from another.
When will I be ready for something like that?
I don't know why these thoughts come to me. Sometimes I think that my greatest enemy is myself... well, my thoughts. My thoughts are my greatest enemy. Even when I was romantically happy I couldn't keep that itch away. The itch to question everything. Was I really in love? Or was I just so surprised that someone cared about me that it was my natural reaction to desire more?
I keep going back. I... I like the feeling of someone holding me. Of someone brushing the hair from my shoulder to press a soft kiss to my neck. Lust doesn't scare me as much as love. Lust passes quickly, but love leaves wounds behind. Is it really so terrible to be loved by someone? To be held and cherished? I guess I'm afraid of warming up to such a feeling, because I'm more afraid of that feeling disappearing.
I don't know what I'm doing with Matthew. I know I still love him, even though I keep it locked away. Every time he touches me, he touches the lock, the one that took me so much pain to secure. It's just as painful to push away as it is to let him hold me.
I don't know what he feels. He says he cares for me as a friend, but when he holds me tightly... is he pushing away his love for me too? Is he as terrified as I am? Or is he just using me to feel good for a while? Am I using him? Maybe I'm too afraid to use him.
Every time I wake up in his bed and smell his scent on the sheets I don't know what to do except to bury my face away into his pillow. I'm so scared. I'm terrified of him because I have no idea what he is thinking.
I feel confused. I know what I should do, but I don't want to. I know that I should pull away, give the both of us space. I feel as if I'm dragging him back down, as if I'm pushing him to do something he doesn't want. I'm sure that he wants to move on and leave me behind so that he can find happiness. I want him to be happy. If he can be happy with someone else, I don't want to deny it to him.
I don't know how long it takes him to heal. I'm still healing. I won't be ready to give to another man for a long time. The flings I had after Matt and I broke up only made me feel more emotionally distorted.
So many questions I have when I smile at him, but only one thing I know for sure: I want him to continue to smile. Am I keeping him from that?
Can I make him happy anymore?
I wish I could turn off my brain and just let things be as they are. If we can laugh now... I want to live the now.
UGGHHH TURN OFF, BRAIN! Let me sleep.
I can't remember the last time I admired a full moon. I feel as if with the right music and a warm blanket, I could be swept away just thinking underneath it.
I feel that I am at my most whimsical when there is something beautiful to look at. Sometimes I think I get caught up in day to day things, and I lose my way. Looking at something like that... it helps me center myself. I love it. I wish I could keep the vision in the back of my mind to draw upon when I need it most.
I need it most now, I think. Well, I know I need something. My body, my mind, my emotions... they yearn for something. Its something I know I had once, because the feeling is distant but familiar to me.
I could waste days trying to figure out just what that is.
I don't know if it's love. I don't know if I've ever been able to open up my heart enough to really feel that emotion. I know that I've tried. I think I scare myself away from that more than anything, or I feel as if I'm being dragged into it by someone I'm afraid of.
Maybe I just need to get over my fear. I don't show it, but I am afraid of a lot of things.
Especially the feeling of vulnerability, and nothing leaves you feeling more naked than trying to love someone, or trying to accept love from another.
When will I be ready for something like that?
I don't know why these thoughts come to me. Sometimes I think that my greatest enemy is myself... well, my thoughts. My thoughts are my greatest enemy. Even when I was romantically happy I couldn't keep that itch away. The itch to question everything. Was I really in love? Or was I just so surprised that someone cared about me that it was my natural reaction to desire more?
I keep going back. I... I like the feeling of someone holding me. Of someone brushing the hair from my shoulder to press a soft kiss to my neck. Lust doesn't scare me as much as love. Lust passes quickly, but love leaves wounds behind. Is it really so terrible to be loved by someone? To be held and cherished? I guess I'm afraid of warming up to such a feeling, because I'm more afraid of that feeling disappearing.
I don't know what I'm doing with Matthew. I know I still love him, even though I keep it locked away. Every time he touches me, he touches the lock, the one that took me so much pain to secure. It's just as painful to push away as it is to let him hold me.
I don't know what he feels. He says he cares for me as a friend, but when he holds me tightly... is he pushing away his love for me too? Is he as terrified as I am? Or is he just using me to feel good for a while? Am I using him? Maybe I'm too afraid to use him.
Every time I wake up in his bed and smell his scent on the sheets I don't know what to do except to bury my face away into his pillow. I'm so scared. I'm terrified of him because I have no idea what he is thinking.
I feel confused. I know what I should do, but I don't want to. I know that I should pull away, give the both of us space. I feel as if I'm dragging him back down, as if I'm pushing him to do something he doesn't want. I'm sure that he wants to move on and leave me behind so that he can find happiness. I want him to be happy. If he can be happy with someone else, I don't want to deny it to him.
I don't know how long it takes him to heal. I'm still healing. I won't be ready to give to another man for a long time. The flings I had after Matt and I broke up only made me feel more emotionally distorted.
So many questions I have when I smile at him, but only one thing I know for sure: I want him to continue to smile. Am I keeping him from that?
Can I make him happy anymore?
I wish I could turn off my brain and just let things be as they are. If we can laugh now... I want to live the now.
UGGHHH TURN OFF, BRAIN! Let me sleep.