Strained Relations
Summer has arrived in full form and my children want to go and play in the front yard. They want to go play with their friends that they haven't seen in eight months. I finally started letting them go out in the front yard. I have worried how the neighbor's children would treat them. Mine are too young to understand that Mommy and the neighbor, K, no longer speak. I have put my anger behind me, but I had some residual worries.
The first day that relations were put to the test, we lost power in the house. A huge thunderstorm had just blown through. It was much cooler outside then it was inside. The kids spoke to me for the first time in months. They played with my children and my dog. Honestly, it was a huge relief to realize that nothing bad was going to happen. Later that evening, her husband came over and spoke to me. I heard second hand how the repercussions of that act were not good in that household. I was amused that the next time we were out, her eldest made sure not to step foot onto my property. She still played with my kids, just made sure not to step off the street.
There is a neighbor caught between us, M. I try hard not to badmouth my other neighbor in her presence. I try not to make her choose sides. Anytime during this process, if she asked me questions about what happened, I have told her my truth and let her decide for herself. M has children that are the same age as mine. M and I will only ever be acquaintances. We will get together for the kids to have play dates. We will pass the time chatting when we catch each other outside, but that is all I will ever allow. The fallout with K and the theft and fraud has left a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to neighbors. Also, how can I become good friends with M who is still very involved in the life of someone who did something so despicable to my husband and I?
After telling me that K had not taken her husband speaking to me at all well, she wondered what he thinks of this whole mess. I have to wonder also. Until that incident, he had only ever spoken twice to me in a professional capacity. He works where I have my car serviced. He has not once spoken to my husband and I about what happened. That confuses me. He and my husband had become pretty good friends. To this day I wish that we had sent an email that we composed the night before the arrest warrant was issued.
K sent us an apology email five days after the police officer had called her in for questioning. It started out well, but the end just pissed us off. It felt manipulative. Here is an excerpt.
'My children are very important to me but because of this I could lose them. I'm asking you to please drop these charges I hope you understand these charges will destroy me, my husband and my children.'
When you are apologizing to someone who is truly angry at you, pulling a 'get out of jail free card' in the middle of your apology isn't going to go over well. Making the issue about you and how it will destroy your life is not the best way to garner forgiveness and clemency. Sure, you may need to do it, but do it in something other than your apology.
My husband and I composed an email in response. It laid out all of the issues we had with her and why her apology was too little too late. It outlined the reasons we were so angry. Most of them had little to do with the money she actually stole from us. Here is an excerpt from our response.
'You had plenty of time and opportunity to come clean about this, but you chose not to. When we told you that we found checks were cashed against our account, you demonstrated that you were not only willing to lie to us, you also proved you were willing to throw A and J under a bus (again) to save your own ass. Well, it doesn't take much to see how this sheds a light on your past statements about them. Not only did you cross a line, you kept running.
Even after you signed a confession, we were led to believe your confession was coerced and not given of your own of your own free will. You confessed, yet we were still made to feel like we had done something wrong, by accusing you of a theft you know you committed. How are we to believe your remorse is sincere when you are still not taking full responsibility for your actions, claiming your confession may not hold up in court? How many lies are still out there?
Any friendship we had with you is gone due to your actions. Any felonies that you are charged with are due to your actions. We gave you plenty of opportunity to come clean, but you didn't. The fact that felony charges were the only thing that drove you to write this email is enough to point out we cannot trust you, or your word.'
My husband wanted to sit on the email overnight before sending it. Sitting on the email led to us not sending it. I was planning to email it to her and her husband the next afternoon. However, the arrest warrant came out that day and the police officer called her and told her to come and turn herself in. I received a nasty text message from her and that was that. In the end, we decided it wasn't worth sending after that happened. Sometimes though, I really wish we had. Her husband would have at least understood where we were coming from. He would have been clued in on some of the things that she had told us that I know he didn't know about. It might have helped make living with them for years to come easier.
I do a lot of things for people. Sometimes they take advantage. It is good to know that when it is important, I am not a doormat. There are boundaries that you just do not cross. I will allow a lot and give more than your fair share of the benefit of the doubt. If you run roughshod all over my trust, I am going to do something about it. If I think that giving you a 'free pass' for what you did is going to lead to you doing it again to someone in the future, I will make sure you won't ever be able to do it again.
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This is my second entry for LJ Idol: Exhibit B. This week we are doing two topic. This entry is for the email that made you feel like a BAMF. The first entry for The Heart of Time can be found here.
The first day that relations were put to the test, we lost power in the house. A huge thunderstorm had just blown through. It was much cooler outside then it was inside. The kids spoke to me for the first time in months. They played with my children and my dog. Honestly, it was a huge relief to realize that nothing bad was going to happen. Later that evening, her husband came over and spoke to me. I heard second hand how the repercussions of that act were not good in that household. I was amused that the next time we were out, her eldest made sure not to step foot onto my property. She still played with my kids, just made sure not to step off the street.
There is a neighbor caught between us, M. I try hard not to badmouth my other neighbor in her presence. I try not to make her choose sides. Anytime during this process, if she asked me questions about what happened, I have told her my truth and let her decide for herself. M has children that are the same age as mine. M and I will only ever be acquaintances. We will get together for the kids to have play dates. We will pass the time chatting when we catch each other outside, but that is all I will ever allow. The fallout with K and the theft and fraud has left a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to neighbors. Also, how can I become good friends with M who is still very involved in the life of someone who did something so despicable to my husband and I?
After telling me that K had not taken her husband speaking to me at all well, she wondered what he thinks of this whole mess. I have to wonder also. Until that incident, he had only ever spoken twice to me in a professional capacity. He works where I have my car serviced. He has not once spoken to my husband and I about what happened. That confuses me. He and my husband had become pretty good friends. To this day I wish that we had sent an email that we composed the night before the arrest warrant was issued.
K sent us an apology email five days after the police officer had called her in for questioning. It started out well, but the end just pissed us off. It felt manipulative. Here is an excerpt.
'My children are very important to me but because of this I could lose them. I'm asking you to please drop these charges I hope you understand these charges will destroy me, my husband and my children.'
When you are apologizing to someone who is truly angry at you, pulling a 'get out of jail free card' in the middle of your apology isn't going to go over well. Making the issue about you and how it will destroy your life is not the best way to garner forgiveness and clemency. Sure, you may need to do it, but do it in something other than your apology.
My husband and I composed an email in response. It laid out all of the issues we had with her and why her apology was too little too late. It outlined the reasons we were so angry. Most of them had little to do with the money she actually stole from us. Here is an excerpt from our response.
'You had plenty of time and opportunity to come clean about this, but you chose not to. When we told you that we found checks were cashed against our account, you demonstrated that you were not only willing to lie to us, you also proved you were willing to throw A and J under a bus (again) to save your own ass. Well, it doesn't take much to see how this sheds a light on your past statements about them. Not only did you cross a line, you kept running.
Even after you signed a confession, we were led to believe your confession was coerced and not given of your own of your own free will. You confessed, yet we were still made to feel like we had done something wrong, by accusing you of a theft you know you committed. How are we to believe your remorse is sincere when you are still not taking full responsibility for your actions, claiming your confession may not hold up in court? How many lies are still out there?
Any friendship we had with you is gone due to your actions. Any felonies that you are charged with are due to your actions. We gave you plenty of opportunity to come clean, but you didn't. The fact that felony charges were the only thing that drove you to write this email is enough to point out we cannot trust you, or your word.'
My husband wanted to sit on the email overnight before sending it. Sitting on the email led to us not sending it. I was planning to email it to her and her husband the next afternoon. However, the arrest warrant came out that day and the police officer called her and told her to come and turn herself in. I received a nasty text message from her and that was that. In the end, we decided it wasn't worth sending after that happened. Sometimes though, I really wish we had. Her husband would have at least understood where we were coming from. He would have been clued in on some of the things that she had told us that I know he didn't know about. It might have helped make living with them for years to come easier.
I do a lot of things for people. Sometimes they take advantage. It is good to know that when it is important, I am not a doormat. There are boundaries that you just do not cross. I will allow a lot and give more than your fair share of the benefit of the doubt. If you run roughshod all over my trust, I am going to do something about it. If I think that giving you a 'free pass' for what you did is going to lead to you doing it again to someone in the future, I will make sure you won't ever be able to do it again.
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This is my second entry for LJ Idol: Exhibit B. This week we are doing two topic. This entry is for the email that made you feel like a BAMF. The first entry for The Heart of Time can be found here.