(no subject)
I'm beginning to wonder if quitting this early was a good idea. Not just financially but emotionally. It's more than the fact that I really miss a lot of the people I work with (which is why when I buy something it takes me an hour to leave the store), but the free time I get because of not working has kinda started prodding at my often teetering balance of sanity. Basically I'm driving myself insane out of paranoia and constant questioning.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the past year and I can't help but think that I'm spinning my wheels in many regards. It's not that I'm making no progress in all respects of my life, but it certainly feels that in certain cases, it's always one step forward and two steps back.
"Where am I going with X?" "Where do I even want to go?" "Why am I doing Y?" "Here I am at Z....is that what I want in the end?" Too many variables in my opinion - I never liked algebra. Some days I feel like laying outside and just staring at the sky until I starve to death or something dramatic like that, but other days, I go one minute without talking to someone and I think I'm losing my mind over it. Maybe I'm becoming too dependent on other people; maybe I should be a hermit and surround my house in mines; maybe I'm as crazy as my mom thinks.
And there's the other part of staying home I don't like - mom and I are having way more contact which can only mean more conflict. We've devolved to a relationship equal to that of two highly bitchy roommates. We have our moments where we get along, but more often than not, we deal with each other only when entirely necessary and that tends to escalate to some form of argument.
In all honesty I'm ready for it to be next year - see if I can't move on from everything that has me feeling tied down. Perhaps I can move out and see how I do alone; I guess I won't know unless I give it a shot and fall on my face. School's a whole new level of aggravation that I won't even get into, I'll just leave it at I'm more than ready to move on to the next level.
"I'm losing my sight, losing my mind;
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine.
Losing my sight, losing my mind;
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine.
Nothing's alright.
Nothing is fine.
I'm running and crying."
I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the past year and I can't help but think that I'm spinning my wheels in many regards. It's not that I'm making no progress in all respects of my life, but it certainly feels that in certain cases, it's always one step forward and two steps back.
"Where am I going with X?" "Where do I even want to go?" "Why am I doing Y?" "Here I am at Z....is that what I want in the end?" Too many variables in my opinion - I never liked algebra. Some days I feel like laying outside and just staring at the sky until I starve to death or something dramatic like that, but other days, I go one minute without talking to someone and I think I'm losing my mind over it. Maybe I'm becoming too dependent on other people; maybe I should be a hermit and surround my house in mines; maybe I'm as crazy as my mom thinks.
And there's the other part of staying home I don't like - mom and I are having way more contact which can only mean more conflict. We've devolved to a relationship equal to that of two highly bitchy roommates. We have our moments where we get along, but more often than not, we deal with each other only when entirely necessary and that tends to escalate to some form of argument.
In all honesty I'm ready for it to be next year - see if I can't move on from everything that has me feeling tied down. Perhaps I can move out and see how I do alone; I guess I won't know unless I give it a shot and fall on my face. School's a whole new level of aggravation that I won't even get into, I'll just leave it at I'm more than ready to move on to the next level.
"I'm losing my sight, losing my mind;
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine.
Losing my sight, losing my mind;
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine.
Nothing's alright.
Nothing is fine.
I'm running and crying."