Counseling
I can't quite determine how I feel about this year yet. A great deal of the time, I find myself wanting to be somewhere else. All in all, that doesn't make much sense - all that makes me happy is right here. But even so, it's all I can do sometimes to just keep myself in one place. Part of me wants everything to change entirely, and another wants to never leave the present.
Often I refuse help, no matter the source or the reasoning (which tends to be well founded). Why? Because although I reach out for help - because I'm not honestly as pathetic as I make myself seem - I do it for a singular reason that is never satisfied. I want help but never hear the answer I want. I want to be told that the one thing I am waiting for is the cure for my ailments. Maybe it is, but if that's the case, it's an antidote that likely likes out of my reach.
A combination of my want for change (it wins out over the complacency this time) and my denial of help has led me to chasing off old friends. I can't say I'm all that affected by this; the largest effect this has had on my mood occurred in the few minutes I spent laughing at my own misanthropic behavior.
So, like any other human (as often as I'd like to separate myself from that label), I have my up-times during days spent with a good friend, just laughing and enjoying the time we have; I have my down-times during the days where I can't see myself achieving anything I am aiming for; more often than these, however, are the neutral times - days spent just going through the motions, looking back and saying "Yeah, I suppose I can do that again tomorrow."
I think I need something new and exciting to happen very soon. Hell, it could be old and exciting - just something to get me excited about being alive; this apathy is beginning to bore me.
Who needs counseling? I've got this "journal" and countless people to laugh at or with. I think I'll make due with that.
*Hiatus*
After a night at work, I find myself again displeased with the position I am in. Not because I hate my job (though somedays I certainly do), or because I have to stay up late (though that too irks me), but because I get home, and there's no one there. Everyone has had their time to talk and blow off steam. I feel left out of the loop; I miss getting to be there for someone and just idly chattering.
A moment of excitement, however, at work in the form of a ghost from my past. I never had that feeling before tonight - stupefied beyond words, beyond motion. All you can do is focus on breathing and then you try to speak, and the moment's over. Is this how I'll feel when I'm reunited with the friends I've just recently rid myself of? Is this some sort of foreshadowing, or just a coincidence I'm making a big deal out of? My bet's on the latter (I'm also getting sick of sounding like a bad soap opera announcer with all of these questions...
Goodnight, good morning, good riddance.
Often I refuse help, no matter the source or the reasoning (which tends to be well founded). Why? Because although I reach out for help - because I'm not honestly as pathetic as I make myself seem - I do it for a singular reason that is never satisfied. I want help but never hear the answer I want. I want to be told that the one thing I am waiting for is the cure for my ailments. Maybe it is, but if that's the case, it's an antidote that likely likes out of my reach.
A combination of my want for change (it wins out over the complacency this time) and my denial of help has led me to chasing off old friends. I can't say I'm all that affected by this; the largest effect this has had on my mood occurred in the few minutes I spent laughing at my own misanthropic behavior.
So, like any other human (as often as I'd like to separate myself from that label), I have my up-times during days spent with a good friend, just laughing and enjoying the time we have; I have my down-times during the days where I can't see myself achieving anything I am aiming for; more often than these, however, are the neutral times - days spent just going through the motions, looking back and saying "Yeah, I suppose I can do that again tomorrow."
I think I need something new and exciting to happen very soon. Hell, it could be old and exciting - just something to get me excited about being alive; this apathy is beginning to bore me.
Who needs counseling? I've got this "journal" and countless people to laugh at or with. I think I'll make due with that.
*Hiatus*
After a night at work, I find myself again displeased with the position I am in. Not because I hate my job (though somedays I certainly do), or because I have to stay up late (though that too irks me), but because I get home, and there's no one there. Everyone has had their time to talk and blow off steam. I feel left out of the loop; I miss getting to be there for someone and just idly chattering.
A moment of excitement, however, at work in the form of a ghost from my past. I never had that feeling before tonight - stupefied beyond words, beyond motion. All you can do is focus on breathing and then you try to speak, and the moment's over. Is this how I'll feel when I'm reunited with the friends I've just recently rid myself of? Is this some sort of foreshadowing, or just a coincidence I'm making a big deal out of? My bet's on the latter (I'm also getting sick of sounding like a bad soap opera announcer with all of these questions...
Goodnight, good morning, good riddance.