(for setaxis) Flowing River
For: setaxis
By: Anonymous until reveals
Title: Flowing River
Rating: PG-13 for language
Length: 2077
Notes: Dear setaxis, all your prompts were so wonderful that I wanted to write each and every one of them! But this particular one called out to me as I've always had a deep interest on the traditional ideas of marriage and family and how they fit in today's society.
Crushing hugs and kisses to P and R for encouraging my decision to submit this instead of a slapdash longfic. Please see the end of the work for more notes.
Warnings: Divorce, broken relationships, brief mention of fuckbuddies, overall vagueness of events
Summary: Zhang Yixing finds love again and struggles to accept it.
Even if it’s not you, even it’s someone better
It will only be just a flowing river
But we’ll always be holding on to the flowing river all our lives
I can’t understand you and you can’t understand me
- River by Urban Zakapa
Zhang Yixing did not walk away from the remnants of his broken marriage unscathed. Like a victim of a natural disaster, he was still in shock even half a year after his divorce. Every morning, Yixing woke up thinking, I’ve lost everything.
“Don’t be such a drama queen,” his best friend Luhan said when they went out for drinks one night. That’s rich, coming from him, Yixing thought.
“Oh shut up,” Luhan retorted when Yixing mentioned it. “Can’t a man give his friend some comforting words without having it thrown back at his face?”
“Being called a drama queen is hardly comforting,” Yifan said. He looked away when Luhan turned to glare.
Luhan threw up his hands in defeat. “Okay, see? You haven’t lost everything. You’ve got us,” Luhan said as he pointed at himself and Yifan. “Your two best friends since uni-fucking-versity. Even if we overuse the good-cop/bad-cop routine.”
Yixing stared glumly at the ice cubes floating in whiskey. Luhan sighed heavily and rubbed at his temples. “You’ve also got Junmyeon who miraculously still hasn’t chosen sides,” he added.
Bless Kim Junmyeon. As Yixing’s deputy, Junmyeon not only stepped in as the team leader when Yixing wasn’t around, but was also the middle man between Yixing and his ex-wife. Back when they were married and Yixing was having an affair with his career.
“Last I heard, Mrs. Kim invited her for Sunday brunch. Just to catch up. See how she’s doing and everything. Which is kinda sweet since you’re always invited for Saturday dinners at the Kim’s household.”
Yifan shook his head. “One day, your addiction to gossip will bite you in the ass.” Yixing made a small sound of agreement, but was silently reassured by that nugget of information. He should probably stop being a bad friend to the Kims and accept their invitations once in a while.
Luhan poked Yifan in the ribs and twisted in his seat so he’d face Yixing. “And, and, and,” he said, jumping in his seat. “You have that cute chocolate caramel boy toy,” Luhan whispered deviously.
As one, Yixing and Yifan comically sprayed their drinks every which way. It would have given Yixing great pleasure if Luhan was also showered with alcohol and spit. Sadly, his best friend had chosen that exact moment to pick up an abandoned coin from the floor. They both quickly apologized to all their victims, Yifan even going so far as to slide a few bills to the poor bartender.
Yixing hated Luhan and his brain (but mostly Luhan) for unhelpfully supplying an image of Kim Jongin at those words. Jongin, a junior associate in his team, was neither his boy toy or even his anything. It pained him, but Yixing couldn’t deny that the rest of Luhan’s description was apt. Not only was Jongin cute, he was also as sweet as a caramel chocolate candy. With the delicious skin tone to match. Wait what?
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Yixing said as loudly as he could without actually shouting. “I’m so drunk. I’m so fucking drunk. Luhan get me home, or I will get drunker and say something I don’t really mean but I was kinda thinking it so,” he paused and threw back his drink. “So it might mean something but it’s not the complete truth,” Yixing finished lamely.
Luhan sucked on his lime with aggravating slowness. “Do you think my friend is dangerously inebriated?” he asked the bartender. The man looked pointedly at his wet uniform in reply. “Welp,” Luhan said cheerfully as he leaves a large tip under his empty glass. “That kinda settles it.”
“We are not going to another bar,” Yifan hissed at Luhan as they made a swift exit. Yixing was walking ahead of them, his hands shoved into his coat pockets. His head was turned up to let the autumn night air cool down his flushed cheeks.
Luhan looked away from one best friend to another, his fond expression morphed into a playful one. “The night is still young, and our XingXing needs to come to terms with his feelings.” He cupped a hand around his mouth and called out to Yixing. “Hurry up, bitch!”
*
Hyung told me that our parents were sad people who wouldn’t let themselves be saved. So please, Sunbae. Please don’t let your sadness take over your life.
Yixing woke up with a start. He couldn’t figure out why he felt so tired and disoriented. The feeling niggled at the him from morning well into the afternoon. It got to the point that Yixing spent half a day at work trying to put a finger on it.
“Team Leader, your eyes are glazing over again,” the voice from his dream whispered warningly into his ear.
“It’s hyung,” Yixing replied, purely out of habit before realization washed over him. Oh, Yixing thought. Oh. It was the first time since a lifetime ago that Yixing dreamt of anything but of himself surveying the wreckage of his picture-perfect domestic life.
“It’s very heartening to see you so blown away by my suggestions on how to proceed with our preliminary data, hyung,” a smoother, richer voice than Jongin’s said drily.
“Oh,” Yixing said. He barely even noticed Kyungsoo leaning over and stabbing a hole through Yixing’s copy of the report with a company-issued pen. Later on, he’d defend himself by insisting that Kyungsoo did everything silently and maybe misdirect everyone’s attention to the quality of their office supplies. As of then, Yixing was too overwhelmed to function.
*
“Despite what Luhan’s been advocating for the past few months, you need to understand that what you’re feeling isn’t love. You’re just using him as a distraction.”
“What do you mean?” Yixing chewed his bottom lip and absently traced a finger on the rim of his empty glass. Luhan had left to get them more drinks so it was only him and Yifan at the table. Yifan shifted awkwardly in his seat. His face looked pinched, as though he wasn’t looking forward to what he was about to say.
“You were at your worst and nothing could distract you,” Yifan said slowly. “Except something completely new and foreign. You focused all of your energy into getting to know him a little bit more every day because it’s a form of escapism.”
Yixing felt a stab of anger and shame. “I - ”
Yifan cut him off briskly. “Why do you think I never said anything when you started hanging out with him more than us? I even offered you a place to stay but you went and rented a unit at his apartment of all places.” He rushed through his words then, like water flowing from a broken dam.
“Did you think I was really okay with that? I kept my mouth shut because I understood your sudden obsession with him. It’s normal, and happens to the best of us.”
Like what happened between you and Tao? Yixing almost spat out but refrained at the last second. It would have been a dick move, especially since they’ve put it behind them ages ago. The painful look in Yifan’s eyes disconcerted Yixing, and he knew he was partly to blame.
Not for the first time, Yixing regretted sleeping with his best friend on a regular basis back in university. And once after your divorce, he reminded himself derisively. Yixing’s dirtied hands left him in no position to criticize Yifan.
“I still think it means something,” he said instead.
“That’s what you said about her.”
*
“So what if you repeat the same mistakes with Jongin?” Junmyeon grumbled as he speared his broccoli and waved it around. Yixing was now a regular dinner guest at the Kim’s household again and shared his most recent concerns with Junmyeon and his wife, Michelle.
“Yeobo,” Michelle said lightly, but with a hint of reproval. Junmyeon looked appropriately chastised as he put his fork down. “I’m sorry. I just strongly disagree with Yifan.”
Michelle inclined her head with the kind of poise that could only be achieved from being cultivated from a very young age. Although Yixing’s was from a middle-class background, his family placed a great importance on proper manners and etiquette.
This was one of the reasons Yixing got along exceedingly well with Michelle. Junmyeon on the other hand, possessed a latent rebellious streak despite being raised in a similar environment. Interestingly enough, that side of him had also greatly contributed to Yixing’s and Junmyeon’s close friendship.
“You shouldn’t always refer to your past when dealing with the present or the future,” Michelle’s voice was soft but crystal clear. “As my husband should well know by now, there are some situations in life where you just need to ‘go with the flow.’” Junmyeon and his wife shared a secret smile that made Yixing’s heart ache.
Junmyeon stood up to refill Yixing’s glass of wine. “The question you really should be asking yourself is: do you love Jongin as another human being, or as someone who’s ‘changed you for the better?’”
Yixing swirled his wine and thought about it. “Do they really need to be mutually exclusive?” he asked. Junmyeon and Michelle beamed at him. There was a warmth in Yixing’s belly that had absolutely nothing to do with the wine.
*
They agreed to meet up at a non-descript cafe near their apartment. It was a neutral place to meet up since neither of them had ever been there before, and if things go wrong, they wouldn’t need to make up excuses to avoid visiting it again.
Jongin looked calm while Yixing felt anything but. Maybe he deserved it. He had been very unfair to Jongin by basking in his affection but pretending to never notice or understand the meaning behind them. Yixing had done that to Yifan knowingly and felt like shit. Doing the same to Jongin without meaning to made Yixing feel like he had committed a felony.
“What did you want to talk about?” Jongin didn’t bother to hide his discomfort. Yixing winced. Of course he would be short with Yixing. Not even a martyr would forgive Yixing for snapping at Jongin to get back to work when all Jongin wanted was to apologize for confessing his feelings. He was really the lowest of the low.
He thinks back to the conversation he had just a few hours ago. His ex had cupped his face and told him that they should find their own happiness again in a voice so sweet and filled with compassion. “Let’s try to move on, okay?” she had said. Yixing had nodded in relief, a single tear sliding down into his face and into her palm.
“Team Leader?” Jongin said tentatively. Yixing looked into Jongin’s eyes and saw that the anxiety he originally had replaced with gentle concern. He must have zoned out and worried Jongin again. Yixing smiled at him, his heart filled with all the emotions Yixing previously pretended he never harboured. Jongin’s shoulder relaxed and the corners of his lips twitched.
The minute gesture was like a spark of flame to the flimsy paper that was Yixing’s resolve. Yixing counted to 10 and prepared to pour his heart out Jongin. This time, he wouldn’t play the fool. This time, he wouldn’t selfishly twist Jongin’s words just to make things convenient for himself. This time, he wouldn’t run away even if he wanted to. This time, he would finally stop denying Jongin what he wanted.
No, wait, Yixing stopped short. That didn’t feel right. He wouldn’t deny Jongin the love he deserved? Would that be better?
Yixing thought back to everything that had happened for the past year. From the day Yixing found out that he had failed as a husband to the meeting with his ex-wife just then, and his and Jongin’s growing friendship in between. “Jongin’s right,” she had said when Yixing told her of the many times Jongin’s words saved him. “Nothing is ever too late as long as we’re alive.”
Yes, Yixing decided. This time, he would no longer deny both of them the very thing they deserved: each other.
Yixing took a deep breath and exhaled shakily. “I have a few things to say, Jongin-ah.”
A/N: My dear, dear, setaxis. I hope I haven’t disappointed you. Who am I kidding? I’m sure I have haha. To be very honest, I have written more than 30k words of this fic. But I couldn’t fool myself into thinking that I could finish it satisfactorily because Yixing is being DIFFICULT and he and the rest of the characters still have a lot to learn before I could safely say ‘The End’.
Instead, I promise you that immediately after the reveals, I will contact you personally, through LJ or twitter and post up the first few chapters of the longfic. Think of this fic as Chapter 0 or a preview of sorts, because I’ve tried my hardest not to spoil many many things, such as KaiXing’s budding friendship, Yixing’s ex, the story behind Yixing and Yifan, and most importantly, who Jongin is and how he earned Yixing’s respect and love so quickly. (Half a year is a remarkably short period of time to fully move on from a terrible breakup.)
Once again, I’m sorry. It’s just that this story means too much to me that I absolutely have to do it justice, even if it means writing and rewriting until it’s perfect. Thank you for the lovely prompt. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write every day again after almost 4 years. Much love xx
By: Anonymous until reveals
Title: Flowing River
Rating: PG-13 for language
Length: 2077
Notes: Dear setaxis, all your prompts were so wonderful that I wanted to write each and every one of them! But this particular one called out to me as I've always had a deep interest on the traditional ideas of marriage and family and how they fit in today's society.
Crushing hugs and kisses to P and R for encouraging my decision to submit this instead of a slapdash longfic. Please see the end of the work for more notes.
Warnings: Divorce, broken relationships, brief mention of fuckbuddies, overall vagueness of events
Summary: Zhang Yixing finds love again and struggles to accept it.
Even if it’s not you, even it’s someone better
It will only be just a flowing river
But we’ll always be holding on to the flowing river all our lives
I can’t understand you and you can’t understand me
- River by Urban Zakapa
Zhang Yixing did not walk away from the remnants of his broken marriage unscathed. Like a victim of a natural disaster, he was still in shock even half a year after his divorce. Every morning, Yixing woke up thinking, I’ve lost everything.
“Don’t be such a drama queen,” his best friend Luhan said when they went out for drinks one night. That’s rich, coming from him, Yixing thought.
“Oh shut up,” Luhan retorted when Yixing mentioned it. “Can’t a man give his friend some comforting words without having it thrown back at his face?”
“Being called a drama queen is hardly comforting,” Yifan said. He looked away when Luhan turned to glare.
Luhan threw up his hands in defeat. “Okay, see? You haven’t lost everything. You’ve got us,” Luhan said as he pointed at himself and Yifan. “Your two best friends since uni-fucking-versity. Even if we overuse the good-cop/bad-cop routine.”
Yixing stared glumly at the ice cubes floating in whiskey. Luhan sighed heavily and rubbed at his temples. “You’ve also got Junmyeon who miraculously still hasn’t chosen sides,” he added.
Bless Kim Junmyeon. As Yixing’s deputy, Junmyeon not only stepped in as the team leader when Yixing wasn’t around, but was also the middle man between Yixing and his ex-wife. Back when they were married and Yixing was having an affair with his career.
“Last I heard, Mrs. Kim invited her for Sunday brunch. Just to catch up. See how she’s doing and everything. Which is kinda sweet since you’re always invited for Saturday dinners at the Kim’s household.”
Yifan shook his head. “One day, your addiction to gossip will bite you in the ass.” Yixing made a small sound of agreement, but was silently reassured by that nugget of information. He should probably stop being a bad friend to the Kims and accept their invitations once in a while.
Luhan poked Yifan in the ribs and twisted in his seat so he’d face Yixing. “And, and, and,” he said, jumping in his seat. “You have that cute chocolate caramel boy toy,” Luhan whispered deviously.
As one, Yixing and Yifan comically sprayed their drinks every which way. It would have given Yixing great pleasure if Luhan was also showered with alcohol and spit. Sadly, his best friend had chosen that exact moment to pick up an abandoned coin from the floor. They both quickly apologized to all their victims, Yifan even going so far as to slide a few bills to the poor bartender.
Yixing hated Luhan and his brain (but mostly Luhan) for unhelpfully supplying an image of Kim Jongin at those words. Jongin, a junior associate in his team, was neither his boy toy or even his anything. It pained him, but Yixing couldn’t deny that the rest of Luhan’s description was apt. Not only was Jongin cute, he was also as sweet as a caramel chocolate candy. With the delicious skin tone to match. Wait what?
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Yixing said as loudly as he could without actually shouting. “I’m so drunk. I’m so fucking drunk. Luhan get me home, or I will get drunker and say something I don’t really mean but I was kinda thinking it so,” he paused and threw back his drink. “So it might mean something but it’s not the complete truth,” Yixing finished lamely.
Luhan sucked on his lime with aggravating slowness. “Do you think my friend is dangerously inebriated?” he asked the bartender. The man looked pointedly at his wet uniform in reply. “Welp,” Luhan said cheerfully as he leaves a large tip under his empty glass. “That kinda settles it.”
“We are not going to another bar,” Yifan hissed at Luhan as they made a swift exit. Yixing was walking ahead of them, his hands shoved into his coat pockets. His head was turned up to let the autumn night air cool down his flushed cheeks.
Luhan looked away from one best friend to another, his fond expression morphed into a playful one. “The night is still young, and our XingXing needs to come to terms with his feelings.” He cupped a hand around his mouth and called out to Yixing. “Hurry up, bitch!”
*
Hyung told me that our parents were sad people who wouldn’t let themselves be saved. So please, Sunbae. Please don’t let your sadness take over your life.
Yixing woke up with a start. He couldn’t figure out why he felt so tired and disoriented. The feeling niggled at the him from morning well into the afternoon. It got to the point that Yixing spent half a day at work trying to put a finger on it.
“Team Leader, your eyes are glazing over again,” the voice from his dream whispered warningly into his ear.
“It’s hyung,” Yixing replied, purely out of habit before realization washed over him. Oh, Yixing thought. Oh. It was the first time since a lifetime ago that Yixing dreamt of anything but of himself surveying the wreckage of his picture-perfect domestic life.
“It’s very heartening to see you so blown away by my suggestions on how to proceed with our preliminary data, hyung,” a smoother, richer voice than Jongin’s said drily.
“Oh,” Yixing said. He barely even noticed Kyungsoo leaning over and stabbing a hole through Yixing’s copy of the report with a company-issued pen. Later on, he’d defend himself by insisting that Kyungsoo did everything silently and maybe misdirect everyone’s attention to the quality of their office supplies. As of then, Yixing was too overwhelmed to function.
*
“Despite what Luhan’s been advocating for the past few months, you need to understand that what you’re feeling isn’t love. You’re just using him as a distraction.”
“What do you mean?” Yixing chewed his bottom lip and absently traced a finger on the rim of his empty glass. Luhan had left to get them more drinks so it was only him and Yifan at the table. Yifan shifted awkwardly in his seat. His face looked pinched, as though he wasn’t looking forward to what he was about to say.
“You were at your worst and nothing could distract you,” Yifan said slowly. “Except something completely new and foreign. You focused all of your energy into getting to know him a little bit more every day because it’s a form of escapism.”
Yixing felt a stab of anger and shame. “I - ”
Yifan cut him off briskly. “Why do you think I never said anything when you started hanging out with him more than us? I even offered you a place to stay but you went and rented a unit at his apartment of all places.” He rushed through his words then, like water flowing from a broken dam.
“Did you think I was really okay with that? I kept my mouth shut because I understood your sudden obsession with him. It’s normal, and happens to the best of us.”
Like what happened between you and Tao? Yixing almost spat out but refrained at the last second. It would have been a dick move, especially since they’ve put it behind them ages ago. The painful look in Yifan’s eyes disconcerted Yixing, and he knew he was partly to blame.
Not for the first time, Yixing regretted sleeping with his best friend on a regular basis back in university. And once after your divorce, he reminded himself derisively. Yixing’s dirtied hands left him in no position to criticize Yifan.
“I still think it means something,” he said instead.
“That’s what you said about her.”
*
“So what if you repeat the same mistakes with Jongin?” Junmyeon grumbled as he speared his broccoli and waved it around. Yixing was now a regular dinner guest at the Kim’s household again and shared his most recent concerns with Junmyeon and his wife, Michelle.
“Yeobo,” Michelle said lightly, but with a hint of reproval. Junmyeon looked appropriately chastised as he put his fork down. “I’m sorry. I just strongly disagree with Yifan.”
Michelle inclined her head with the kind of poise that could only be achieved from being cultivated from a very young age. Although Yixing’s was from a middle-class background, his family placed a great importance on proper manners and etiquette.
This was one of the reasons Yixing got along exceedingly well with Michelle. Junmyeon on the other hand, possessed a latent rebellious streak despite being raised in a similar environment. Interestingly enough, that side of him had also greatly contributed to Yixing’s and Junmyeon’s close friendship.
“You shouldn’t always refer to your past when dealing with the present or the future,” Michelle’s voice was soft but crystal clear. “As my husband should well know by now, there are some situations in life where you just need to ‘go with the flow.’” Junmyeon and his wife shared a secret smile that made Yixing’s heart ache.
Junmyeon stood up to refill Yixing’s glass of wine. “The question you really should be asking yourself is: do you love Jongin as another human being, or as someone who’s ‘changed you for the better?’”
Yixing swirled his wine and thought about it. “Do they really need to be mutually exclusive?” he asked. Junmyeon and Michelle beamed at him. There was a warmth in Yixing’s belly that had absolutely nothing to do with the wine.
*
They agreed to meet up at a non-descript cafe near their apartment. It was a neutral place to meet up since neither of them had ever been there before, and if things go wrong, they wouldn’t need to make up excuses to avoid visiting it again.
Jongin looked calm while Yixing felt anything but. Maybe he deserved it. He had been very unfair to Jongin by basking in his affection but pretending to never notice or understand the meaning behind them. Yixing had done that to Yifan knowingly and felt like shit. Doing the same to Jongin without meaning to made Yixing feel like he had committed a felony.
“What did you want to talk about?” Jongin didn’t bother to hide his discomfort. Yixing winced. Of course he would be short with Yixing. Not even a martyr would forgive Yixing for snapping at Jongin to get back to work when all Jongin wanted was to apologize for confessing his feelings. He was really the lowest of the low.
He thinks back to the conversation he had just a few hours ago. His ex had cupped his face and told him that they should find their own happiness again in a voice so sweet and filled with compassion. “Let’s try to move on, okay?” she had said. Yixing had nodded in relief, a single tear sliding down into his face and into her palm.
“Team Leader?” Jongin said tentatively. Yixing looked into Jongin’s eyes and saw that the anxiety he originally had replaced with gentle concern. He must have zoned out and worried Jongin again. Yixing smiled at him, his heart filled with all the emotions Yixing previously pretended he never harboured. Jongin’s shoulder relaxed and the corners of his lips twitched.
The minute gesture was like a spark of flame to the flimsy paper that was Yixing’s resolve. Yixing counted to 10 and prepared to pour his heart out Jongin. This time, he wouldn’t play the fool. This time, he wouldn’t selfishly twist Jongin’s words just to make things convenient for himself. This time, he wouldn’t run away even if he wanted to. This time, he would finally stop denying Jongin what he wanted.
No, wait, Yixing stopped short. That didn’t feel right. He wouldn’t deny Jongin the love he deserved? Would that be better?
Yixing thought back to everything that had happened for the past year. From the day Yixing found out that he had failed as a husband to the meeting with his ex-wife just then, and his and Jongin’s growing friendship in between. “Jongin’s right,” she had said when Yixing told her of the many times Jongin’s words saved him. “Nothing is ever too late as long as we’re alive.”
Yes, Yixing decided. This time, he would no longer deny both of them the very thing they deserved: each other.
Yixing took a deep breath and exhaled shakily. “I have a few things to say, Jongin-ah.”
A/N: My dear, dear, setaxis. I hope I haven’t disappointed you. Who am I kidding? I’m sure I have haha. To be very honest, I have written more than 30k words of this fic. But I couldn’t fool myself into thinking that I could finish it satisfactorily because Yixing is being DIFFICULT and he and the rest of the characters still have a lot to learn before I could safely say ‘The End’.
Instead, I promise you that immediately after the reveals, I will contact you personally, through LJ or twitter and post up the first few chapters of the longfic. Think of this fic as Chapter 0 or a preview of sorts, because I’ve tried my hardest not to spoil many many things, such as KaiXing’s budding friendship, Yixing’s ex, the story behind Yixing and Yifan, and most importantly, who Jongin is and how he earned Yixing’s respect and love so quickly. (Half a year is a remarkably short period of time to fully move on from a terrible breakup.)
Once again, I’m sorry. It’s just that this story means too much to me that I absolutely have to do it justice, even if it means writing and rewriting until it’s perfect. Thank you for the lovely prompt. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write every day again after almost 4 years. Much love xx