#81: Baby, talk to me
Title: Baby, talk to me
Rating: PG-13
Sidepairings: none
Word Count: 2,038
Warning(s): insecurities
Prompt: #81 Jongin and Taemin are in love, but not in an exclusive r/s. Jongin just wants a taste of freedom and travels alone frequently, but realises he hasn't truly found his happiness, whom he often leaves behind.
Author's notes: Dear prompter, I strayed a little from the original prompt but I hope you'll like it nonetheless! Thank you very much R. for beta-ing my story and for your heartwarming comments. Also, thank you mods for your patience and kindness, and of course for organizing this fest <3
As usual, Taemin is awake when Jongin is ready to leave. It’s his fourth trip out of the country this year-and it’s only April. Grabbing his bag, Jongin looks around their tiny but cozy apartment to make sure he doesn’t forget anything then leans in to press a chaste kiss to Taemin’s lips.
“I’ll be back in three weeks,” he smiles, his eyes crinkling.
Still half asleep, Taemin nods. He stares at Jongin’s back as he leaves without looking back once, then stands alone at the front door long after Jongin is gone. He should be used to it by now, but he’s not. He still wonders if one day Jongin won’t come back to him at all.
Taemin knows it could happen, Jongin is unpredictable after all. Taemin is nothing special, he’s boring. If he wasn’t, Jongin wouldn’t want to leave as often as he does. He wonders how many weeks it will last until Jongin leaves him next time, perhaps for good, for someone better, or somewhere more exciting than his everyday life, here in Daegu, with Taemin.
His shoulders slumping, Taemin goes back to sleep, trying to ignore the ache in his heart at the thought of Jongin leaving him. In his dreams, Jongin never leaves; in his dreams, Jongin wants to stay forever by his side; in his dreams, Jongin is sleeping next to him. Sometimes, Taemin is tempted not to wake up, just to keep dreaming.
The next day, Taemin wakes up, makes coffee and tries to ignore how silent and cold their home is without Jongin’s presence. It’s not the first time Jongin leaves, far from it, but Taemin still isn’t used to the feelings of loneliness and abandon that grip at his heart. It always hurts.
They’ve been together for three years already, but Jongin had never promised him anything. He had told him right at the beginning that he loved travelling, that he couldn’t offer Taemin stability, that his freedom was more important than anything in this world. Taemin had thought nothing of it back then, he hadn’t wanted something serious either. He just wanted to enjoy his youth. He never meant to fall for Jongin.
Taemin never thought that one day he would want his boyfriend to belong to him only, to tell him he loved him and to promise him he wouldn’t leave him. It was all so cliché and everything Taemin didn’t want, until Jongin that is, but love was unpredictable. Sadly, Taemin learnt it the hard way.
When Jongin comes home a little early three weeks later with a wide smile on his lips, his gaze immediately falls on Taemin’s sleeping form lying on the couch. His boyfriend is tucked in a warm blanket, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. Jongin smiles fondly at the sight and is careful not to make any noise as he puts his bag down. He’s exhausted but content to be back because even though he enjoyed his trip, there’s nothing better than coming home to Taemin.
Jongin silently pads to the couch and kneels besides Taemin, cupping his cheek. He frowns as he notices the dark circles under his lover’s eyes, feeling guilty to have left his boyfriend alone for three whole weeks with no contact. Again. Somehow it was new, this feeling of guilt. It started a few months back when he came home to Taemin being bedridden and sporting a high fever. Jongin had flipped, worried sick, but it didn’t prevent him from leaving again a few weeks later. He couldn’t help it.
When they first got together, Jongin didn’t think much of it. He has always loved traveling so he continued. He simply couldn’t stay in one place at a time when he knows of so many places he hasn’t discovered yet. But as time passed, his relationship with Taemin grew stronger. Jongin knew it, but he kept ignoring the discomfort he felt as he left Taemin alone, again and again.
Taemin has become quieter and quieter though, and Jongin wonders if something happened while he wasn’t home, or at work. His boyfriend hasn’t said anything to him so he assumed it wasn’t anything serious but as he looks at him now, Jongin worries. He never knows what Taemin does when he leaves. Does he stay alone? Does he meet his friends or coworkers? Is he eating well? Sleeping well? Jongin doesn’t know when he started thinking about such things, but he does and he doesn’t know how to feel about it.
Biting his lip, Jongin’s eyes soften as he takes in Taemin’s peaceful features. His boyfriend is so breathtakingly beautiful. He knows he’s lucky to have him in his life, and he also knows he’s being selfish to want to keep him to himself while he wanders away and often leaves him alone. Is Taemin lonely when I’m gone? He wonders.
He knew he could stop leaving, or he could bring Taemin with him but Jongin never offered. Because he is scared. Scared to settle into one place, to commit to someone, to belong to someone. He’s scared to own someone’s heart and to give his, to become their happiness and for them to be his. He’s afraid to want things like forever and eternity. The truth is that deep down Jongin is greedy. If he allows himself to want things, he’ll keep wanting more and more, and then he’s terrified to lose everything. Because obviously it doesn’t work that way, he can’t have everything-including Taemin.
Jongin also doesn’t want to lose his freedom. He doesn’t want to lose himself and become someone else. He’s seen it before, people changing because of-for-their loved ones, and becoming totally different people. Jongin doesn’t want that, he wants to be able to recognize the face he sees in the mirror every morning. He doesn’t want to realize he doesn’t know who he is anymore when he isn’t with Taemin. He wants to be his own person. But he also wants Taemin in his life. Jongin doesn’t want to let go of his freedom but he can’t let go of Taemin either.
Their relationship isn’t ideal, he knows, but he hopes Taemin understands. He badly wishes his boyfriend gets it and doesn’t despise him for being selfish. Though, as he watches Taemin right now, sleeping alone on the couch, looking like the shadow of his past self, he wonders if he’s made the right decision. Perhaps he’s been acting like a spoiled kid all this time, perhaps it’s time for him to grow up and settled down before it’s too late. Taemin won’t wait for him forever after all.
Jongin presses a gentle kiss to Taemin’s forehead and grins when his boyfriend’s eyes flutter open. “Hi,” he whispers. “I’m home.”
Taemin’s eyes are hollowed. He used to smile widely when Jongin came home, welcoming him with a hug and a kiss. Right now, Taemin only hums. “Welcome home.”
It stings and Jongin tries hard to keep his composure. “You shouldn’t sleep here, you’ll hurt your back.” He chastises him as he cards his fingers through his hair in a gentle caress.
His boyfriend shrugs and stretches. Jongin stares, his hand stopping, feeling more and more pained as Taemin avoids his eyes. He still hasn’t kissed him. It never happened before. Jongin is slowly coming to the realization that perhaps Taemin finally snapped. He can’t blame him though, he’s the one who did this to him, to them.
He’s frozen, his knees beginning to hurt as he’s kneeling on the floor, but he’s carefully keeping his eyes on Taemin. The latter seems to notice his stillness because he finally looks at him, studying him. Jongin doesn’t know what he sees but his boyfriend widens his eyes and quickly scampers up to kneel on the floor too, holding Jongin’s face between his small hands.
“Is something the matter?” he inquires worriedly, his eyes searching Jongin’s in a frantic way.
Jongin’s chest hurts, and it’s taking him everything not to break down and cry like a little boy. He up and leaves Taemin whenever he wants and here is his boyfriend, worrying about him when he himself looks miserable and lonely. All because of Jongin.
“I’m so sorry,” he says instead, his voice full of regrets. “Taemin…I’m so fucking sorry.”
Taemin frowns, confused. “What about?” He pauses, his expression falling. “D-Did something happen-”
Jongin quickly shakes his head. “No, nothing. I just…” he trails off, feeling a lump in his throat. “I’m so sorry, I’ve been so selfish. Leaving you all alone, here. I’ve never realized how much I’ve been hurting you all this time, until now.”
Taemin pulls away as if he has been burnt, looking down at the floor and clasping his hands together on his lap. “Don’t apologize. It can get boring to stay here, with me. I get it, you know.” He smiles tiredly. “I would like to quit myself too if I could.”
Jongin is stunned into silence. Taemin’s words feel worse than any slap he could have given him. “What do you mean?” he stutters, distressed.
Taemin looks at him straight in the eyes. “That’s why you leave, right? Because I’m boring.”
“I-I, no!” Jongin splutters, dumbfounded. “You’re not boring, you’re amazing Taemin! I enjoy every second I’m spending by your side.”
“Why do you leave me then?” Taemin accuses then, looking hurt.
Jongin lets out a frustrated noise and pulls his boyfriend close, cradling him against his chest. He brings his face in front of Taemin’s, bumping their noses in the process and exhales shakily. “I’m sorry I’ve made you think you were boring. You’re really not, believe me. I just needed to prove myself that I could be my own person…without you. That I existed. That I was still the Jongin I’ve always been. I’m so sorry I’ve put you through this…I thought you understood. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Taemin lets out a shaky breath and hides his face against his boyfriend’s neck. “I thought you were bored with me, that you weren’t happy,” he mumbles.
“Never,” Jongin replies immediately, tightening his hold on him. “You make me happy, babe. I promise.”
When his lover doesn’t answer, Jongin kisses the top of his head. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Taemin whispers, nosing his neck and inhaling his scent.
“Don’t you hate me?” Jongin tries softly. “For being an awful boyfriend who’s neglecting you and hurting you?”
Taemin keeps quiet. “I should, shouldn’t I?” he finally says. “But like you said, I could have told you. I’m at fault too. I should have told you how I felt before, but I was blinded by my insecurities.”
Jongin sighs. “It’s my fault if you feel insecure though.”
“I’ve always been,” Taemin retorts. “I’ve had a life before you, you know. I’m also my own person, and my insecurities have nothing to do with you.”
It tears off a laugh from Jongin. Taemin is right, he is his own person, like Jongin is his own person too. They belong to each other, but their relationship doesn’t define them. Jongin feels silly for worrying about something so trivial. He should have known that Taemin understood. He should have shared his burdens too.
“I should have told you about my doubts,” he offers, nudging his boyfriend until they face each other.
Taemin smiles softly, nodding. “So, does it mean I can come with you next time?”
“Yes, if you want to.” Jongin chuckles.
Then, cupping his boyfriend’s cheek, Jongin leans in to kiss him lovingly, feeling relieved and happy to be home, to be beside the love of his life. He couldn’t believe Taemin thought he would leave him behind when his boyfriend had been nothing but perfect for him. His meeting with Taemin was the best thing that ever happened in his life after all. Jongin had a lot of catching up to do, but he would make sure to show Taemin how much he meant to him, how much he loved him. He wanted to be a better boyfriend for Taemin.
“I’m sure you’ll love Tokyo.” Jongin whispers when they pull away.
Taemin nods, offering him a blinding smile.
Rating: PG-13
Sidepairings: none
Word Count: 2,038
Warning(s): insecurities
Prompt: #81 Jongin and Taemin are in love, but not in an exclusive r/s. Jongin just wants a taste of freedom and travels alone frequently, but realises he hasn't truly found his happiness, whom he often leaves behind.
Author's notes: Dear prompter, I strayed a little from the original prompt but I hope you'll like it nonetheless! Thank you very much R. for beta-ing my story and for your heartwarming comments. Also, thank you mods for your patience and kindness, and of course for organizing this fest <3
As usual, Taemin is awake when Jongin is ready to leave. It’s his fourth trip out of the country this year-and it’s only April. Grabbing his bag, Jongin looks around their tiny but cozy apartment to make sure he doesn’t forget anything then leans in to press a chaste kiss to Taemin’s lips.
“I’ll be back in three weeks,” he smiles, his eyes crinkling.
Still half asleep, Taemin nods. He stares at Jongin’s back as he leaves without looking back once, then stands alone at the front door long after Jongin is gone. He should be used to it by now, but he’s not. He still wonders if one day Jongin won’t come back to him at all.
Taemin knows it could happen, Jongin is unpredictable after all. Taemin is nothing special, he’s boring. If he wasn’t, Jongin wouldn’t want to leave as often as he does. He wonders how many weeks it will last until Jongin leaves him next time, perhaps for good, for someone better, or somewhere more exciting than his everyday life, here in Daegu, with Taemin.
His shoulders slumping, Taemin goes back to sleep, trying to ignore the ache in his heart at the thought of Jongin leaving him. In his dreams, Jongin never leaves; in his dreams, Jongin wants to stay forever by his side; in his dreams, Jongin is sleeping next to him. Sometimes, Taemin is tempted not to wake up, just to keep dreaming.
The next day, Taemin wakes up, makes coffee and tries to ignore how silent and cold their home is without Jongin’s presence. It’s not the first time Jongin leaves, far from it, but Taemin still isn’t used to the feelings of loneliness and abandon that grip at his heart. It always hurts.
They’ve been together for three years already, but Jongin had never promised him anything. He had told him right at the beginning that he loved travelling, that he couldn’t offer Taemin stability, that his freedom was more important than anything in this world. Taemin had thought nothing of it back then, he hadn’t wanted something serious either. He just wanted to enjoy his youth. He never meant to fall for Jongin.
Taemin never thought that one day he would want his boyfriend to belong to him only, to tell him he loved him and to promise him he wouldn’t leave him. It was all so cliché and everything Taemin didn’t want, until Jongin that is, but love was unpredictable. Sadly, Taemin learnt it the hard way.
When Jongin comes home a little early three weeks later with a wide smile on his lips, his gaze immediately falls on Taemin’s sleeping form lying on the couch. His boyfriend is tucked in a warm blanket, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. Jongin smiles fondly at the sight and is careful not to make any noise as he puts his bag down. He’s exhausted but content to be back because even though he enjoyed his trip, there’s nothing better than coming home to Taemin.
Jongin silently pads to the couch and kneels besides Taemin, cupping his cheek. He frowns as he notices the dark circles under his lover’s eyes, feeling guilty to have left his boyfriend alone for three whole weeks with no contact. Again. Somehow it was new, this feeling of guilt. It started a few months back when he came home to Taemin being bedridden and sporting a high fever. Jongin had flipped, worried sick, but it didn’t prevent him from leaving again a few weeks later. He couldn’t help it.
When they first got together, Jongin didn’t think much of it. He has always loved traveling so he continued. He simply couldn’t stay in one place at a time when he knows of so many places he hasn’t discovered yet. But as time passed, his relationship with Taemin grew stronger. Jongin knew it, but he kept ignoring the discomfort he felt as he left Taemin alone, again and again.
Taemin has become quieter and quieter though, and Jongin wonders if something happened while he wasn’t home, or at work. His boyfriend hasn’t said anything to him so he assumed it wasn’t anything serious but as he looks at him now, Jongin worries. He never knows what Taemin does when he leaves. Does he stay alone? Does he meet his friends or coworkers? Is he eating well? Sleeping well? Jongin doesn’t know when he started thinking about such things, but he does and he doesn’t know how to feel about it.
Biting his lip, Jongin’s eyes soften as he takes in Taemin’s peaceful features. His boyfriend is so breathtakingly beautiful. He knows he’s lucky to have him in his life, and he also knows he’s being selfish to want to keep him to himself while he wanders away and often leaves him alone. Is Taemin lonely when I’m gone? He wonders.
He knew he could stop leaving, or he could bring Taemin with him but Jongin never offered. Because he is scared. Scared to settle into one place, to commit to someone, to belong to someone. He’s scared to own someone’s heart and to give his, to become their happiness and for them to be his. He’s afraid to want things like forever and eternity. The truth is that deep down Jongin is greedy. If he allows himself to want things, he’ll keep wanting more and more, and then he’s terrified to lose everything. Because obviously it doesn’t work that way, he can’t have everything-including Taemin.
Jongin also doesn’t want to lose his freedom. He doesn’t want to lose himself and become someone else. He’s seen it before, people changing because of-for-their loved ones, and becoming totally different people. Jongin doesn’t want that, he wants to be able to recognize the face he sees in the mirror every morning. He doesn’t want to realize he doesn’t know who he is anymore when he isn’t with Taemin. He wants to be his own person. But he also wants Taemin in his life. Jongin doesn’t want to let go of his freedom but he can’t let go of Taemin either.
Their relationship isn’t ideal, he knows, but he hopes Taemin understands. He badly wishes his boyfriend gets it and doesn’t despise him for being selfish. Though, as he watches Taemin right now, sleeping alone on the couch, looking like the shadow of his past self, he wonders if he’s made the right decision. Perhaps he’s been acting like a spoiled kid all this time, perhaps it’s time for him to grow up and settled down before it’s too late. Taemin won’t wait for him forever after all.
Jongin presses a gentle kiss to Taemin’s forehead and grins when his boyfriend’s eyes flutter open. “Hi,” he whispers. “I’m home.”
Taemin’s eyes are hollowed. He used to smile widely when Jongin came home, welcoming him with a hug and a kiss. Right now, Taemin only hums. “Welcome home.”
It stings and Jongin tries hard to keep his composure. “You shouldn’t sleep here, you’ll hurt your back.” He chastises him as he cards his fingers through his hair in a gentle caress.
His boyfriend shrugs and stretches. Jongin stares, his hand stopping, feeling more and more pained as Taemin avoids his eyes. He still hasn’t kissed him. It never happened before. Jongin is slowly coming to the realization that perhaps Taemin finally snapped. He can’t blame him though, he’s the one who did this to him, to them.
He’s frozen, his knees beginning to hurt as he’s kneeling on the floor, but he’s carefully keeping his eyes on Taemin. The latter seems to notice his stillness because he finally looks at him, studying him. Jongin doesn’t know what he sees but his boyfriend widens his eyes and quickly scampers up to kneel on the floor too, holding Jongin’s face between his small hands.
“Is something the matter?” he inquires worriedly, his eyes searching Jongin’s in a frantic way.
Jongin’s chest hurts, and it’s taking him everything not to break down and cry like a little boy. He up and leaves Taemin whenever he wants and here is his boyfriend, worrying about him when he himself looks miserable and lonely. All because of Jongin.
“I’m so sorry,” he says instead, his voice full of regrets. “Taemin…I’m so fucking sorry.”
Taemin frowns, confused. “What about?” He pauses, his expression falling. “D-Did something happen-”
Jongin quickly shakes his head. “No, nothing. I just…” he trails off, feeling a lump in his throat. “I’m so sorry, I’ve been so selfish. Leaving you all alone, here. I’ve never realized how much I’ve been hurting you all this time, until now.”
Taemin pulls away as if he has been burnt, looking down at the floor and clasping his hands together on his lap. “Don’t apologize. It can get boring to stay here, with me. I get it, you know.” He smiles tiredly. “I would like to quit myself too if I could.”
Jongin is stunned into silence. Taemin’s words feel worse than any slap he could have given him. “What do you mean?” he stutters, distressed.
Taemin looks at him straight in the eyes. “That’s why you leave, right? Because I’m boring.”
“I-I, no!” Jongin splutters, dumbfounded. “You’re not boring, you’re amazing Taemin! I enjoy every second I’m spending by your side.”
“Why do you leave me then?” Taemin accuses then, looking hurt.
Jongin lets out a frustrated noise and pulls his boyfriend close, cradling him against his chest. He brings his face in front of Taemin’s, bumping their noses in the process and exhales shakily. “I’m sorry I’ve made you think you were boring. You’re really not, believe me. I just needed to prove myself that I could be my own person…without you. That I existed. That I was still the Jongin I’ve always been. I’m so sorry I’ve put you through this…I thought you understood. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Taemin lets out a shaky breath and hides his face against his boyfriend’s neck. “I thought you were bored with me, that you weren’t happy,” he mumbles.
“Never,” Jongin replies immediately, tightening his hold on him. “You make me happy, babe. I promise.”
When his lover doesn’t answer, Jongin kisses the top of his head. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Taemin whispers, nosing his neck and inhaling his scent.
“Don’t you hate me?” Jongin tries softly. “For being an awful boyfriend who’s neglecting you and hurting you?”
Taemin keeps quiet. “I should, shouldn’t I?” he finally says. “But like you said, I could have told you. I’m at fault too. I should have told you how I felt before, but I was blinded by my insecurities.”
Jongin sighs. “It’s my fault if you feel insecure though.”
“I’ve always been,” Taemin retorts. “I’ve had a life before you, you know. I’m also my own person, and my insecurities have nothing to do with you.”
It tears off a laugh from Jongin. Taemin is right, he is his own person, like Jongin is his own person too. They belong to each other, but their relationship doesn’t define them. Jongin feels silly for worrying about something so trivial. He should have known that Taemin understood. He should have shared his burdens too.
“I should have told you about my doubts,” he offers, nudging his boyfriend until they face each other.
Taemin smiles softly, nodding. “So, does it mean I can come with you next time?”
“Yes, if you want to.” Jongin chuckles.
Then, cupping his boyfriend’s cheek, Jongin leans in to kiss him lovingly, feeling relieved and happy to be home, to be beside the love of his life. He couldn’t believe Taemin thought he would leave him behind when his boyfriend had been nothing but perfect for him. His meeting with Taemin was the best thing that ever happened in his life after all. Jongin had a lot of catching up to do, but he would make sure to show Taemin how much he meant to him, how much he loved him. He wanted to be a better boyfriend for Taemin.
“I’m sure you’ll love Tokyo.” Jongin whispers when they pull away.
Taemin nods, offering him a blinding smile.