(no subject)
Title: You Might Find You Get What You Need (Chapter 4)
Author: kait1987
Pairing,Character(s): Quinn and Rachel friendship, with other Glee kids making apperances (particulary Artie, Finn, and Puck).
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,586 in this chapter
Spoilers: Through Sectionals
Summary: Quinn finds an unlikely friend in Rachel and discovers she doesn't have to do "this" alone. (Chapter 4 synopsis- Quinn makes an important decision about the baby and confronts Rachel about the secret she's been keeping)
Disclaimer: I don't own them, Ryan Murphy does!
Comments much appreciated!
~mid January~
Quinn had always wanted to be a mom. She could vividly remember sitting in the child-sized rocking chair in the corner of her room and singing her baby dolls to sleep. She'd done it almost every night for a year when she was five, cradling them each night before she said her prayers. When she was six and Santana came over for a playdate, they always played house and Quinn was always the mom. Except for the one time Santana got sick of playing the dad and pinched her until she gave in. Quinn swore she'd never talk to her again, but then Santana let her play with the doll in the pink dress and Quinn promised to be her best friend forever. It had all seemed so easy back then; friendship, marriage, babies. She had a plan- grow up, go to college, get a degree, meet a nice, Christian man, marry him, and have lots of pretty babies. Two girls and a boy, but not all at the same time. She really had always wanted to be a mom, but when she was married and ready. Quinn wondered to herself if being un-married and not ready changed the fact that she really wanted to be a mom.
"What am I going to do, little one?" She was lying in bed curled on her side, and she directed the question to her belly. She felt a kick somewhere beneath her belly button, almost as if the baby was answering her. "I'm going to need you to be a little clearer than that." Quinn rubbed the right side of her belly, just where she suspected the baby's back to be. "I know it might not seem like it and it might be hard for you to understand one day, but I love you, no matter what." There was a lump in her throat and her eyes were stinging and she was too tired and too scared to fight it, so she let her tears flow. She felt like the enormity of her situation and the decision she had to make would crush her.
"Quinn?" Rachel's voice sounded groggy. "Are you alright?"
"Go back to bed, Rachel." Quinn said with more harshness than she probably should have. She waited, listening for the door to close but instead she heard Rachel's bare feet pad across the floor. She felt the bed sink behind her as Rachel climbed under the covers. Rachel was silent, and Quinn was beginning to wonder if she was sleepwalking.
"I'm here," she finally said, "if you decide you want to talk."
"I don't want to talk." Quinn insisted.
"Okay," Rachel agreed but she didn't move.
Quinn sighed, "Are you going to sleep in here tonight?"
"Are you going to tell me why you're crying yourself to sleep?"
Quinn was quiet for a long time, "I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Mmm," Rachel hummed, if only to let Quinn know she was listening.
"I have all these questions swirling around in my head and I don't know the answers to any of them. Will she hate me one day?"
"If you give her up for adoption?"
The back of Quinn's head moved forward in a nod, "What if she thinks I didn't want her? What if she feels abandoned?"
Rachel sighed. These were big, adult questions and she wished she had big, adult answers for Quinn. "I think when she gets older, she'll understand you only did what you thought was best for her."
"Did you know that when you talk to an adoption agency, they ask you if you want to hold your baby after it's born? If you even want to see it?" Quinn was crying again.
"They do?"
"Yes, and I don't have an answer for that either. I can't imagine giving her away without even seeing her, but I also can't imagine seeing her and then giving her away." Rachel's heart hurt for Quinn. She reached over and placed her hand on Quinn's back. "I wonder what she'll have of me, of both of us really. Will she have my hair, his eyes, my chin?"
"His Mohawk?" Rachel suggested softly, making Quinn smile.
Quinn rolled onto her back and then to her other side so she was facing Rachel. "Do you ever think about your….." she stopped, searching for the right word.
"Surrogate?" Quinn nodded. "Sometimes I do. I'm allergic to strawberries, and neither of my dads is, so I wonder if I got that from her."
"Are you mad at her for giving you away?"
Rachel shook her head, "I was never hers to keep, Quinn. She was helping my dads out. I've always been their daughter, even before I was born. I'm very grateful for what she gave us."
"She is mine to keep though."
"She is," Rachel agreed, "if that's what you want."
"I never intended to fall in love with her, you know? I thought I could stay detached, disconnected. I know it probably doesn't always seem like I love her, but I do."
Even as she said it, Quinn was cradling her belly protectively. "It does always seem like you love her."
"Whatever decision I make, it's going to affect her for the rest of her life."
Rachel nodded, not one to sugarcoat the truth, "You're right, it will."
"What will it feel like on her first birthday if she's not with me? Or her first Christmas? Will I go through my whole life feeling like someone is missing? What will it feel like to miss someone every day for the rest of my life?"
"I don't know." Rachel replied, a tear running down her cheek. She wanted to be strong for her friend, but couldn't control her emotions any longer.
"What if one day she messes up like I messed up and the people I give her to throw her out?"
Rachel shrugged, "Then I guess she'll have her friends to take care of her, just like you."
"What if she wants her mommy and I'm not there?" She didn't answer. "I'm scared, Rachel."
"I know you are," Rachel said, pulling Quinn close to her side in a hug. Quinn rested her head on Rachel's shoulder and it was almost immediately soaked through with tears.
"I can't do this by myself."
"You're not going to."
"Will you be there?" Quinn asked suddenly, almost panicked. "When she's born?"
Rachel smiled, "Even Regionals couldn't keep me away."
Rachel felt Quinn's body relax a little in relief, "Good." She was quiet for a long time, "Hey, Rachel?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you maybe stay with me tonight? I don't really want to be alone."
"Of course I can."
When she was little, Quinn thought a really good friend was someone who always wanted to play what you wanted to play and who had really good toys. Now she knew that a really good friend was someone who held you when you cried and let you get tears and snot all over their shirt and came to your boring OB appointments with you. And she also knew that Rachel Berry was a really good friend.
"A little cold here," the ultrasound tech warned her before squirting gel onto her exposed belly. She placed the ultrasound wand on Quinn's stomach and a loud swooshing sound filled the room.
"What's that?" Rachel asked. She was holding Quinn's hand, sitting exactly where Finn had months earlier.
"That's her heartbeat. It's nice and strong." The ultrasound tech turned the screen a little so Quinn and Rachel could see it. "There's your little girl. Her head's here, you can see her nose really well."
Rachel was staring at the screen, her eyes wide. "Wow."
"She looks like a baby!" Quinn exclaimed, making the ultrasound technician and Rachel laugh.
"She didn't before?" Rachel asked.
Quinn looked guilty, "Not so much."
The tech patted her hand, "It's okay, honey. Lots of moms say that. They don't really start looking like babies for a while."
Quinn smiled softly, "She's pretty, isn't she?"
"She's beautiful." Rachel agreed. "Wait," she said, pointing to the screen. "Is that a Mohawk?"
"What? Where?" Quinn's eyes were wide.
Rachel laughed, "Just kidding."
"Mean," Quinn said with a pout.
"Sorry."
"Do you want me to print out some pictures for you?"
"Yes, please." Quinn said, never taking her eyes off the baby on the screen.
They were sitting in Quinn's car outside of the McKinley high parking lot after her OB appointment when it happened.
"I can't do it," Quinn blurted out.
"We have to go in, Quinn. We have Glee Club later. We brought extra clothes so if we get Slushied we'll just deal with it."
"Not that," Quinn was looking down at one of the ultrasound pictures. "I can't give her away. I'm keeping her." Her voice was sure, strong in her conviction.
"You are?"
Quinn nodded, placing her hands on her belly. "I'm doing this."
Rachel beamed and threw her arms around Quinn's neck, "You're going to be a mommy!"
"Does it hurt?" Brittany asked, her hand pressed against Quinn's abdomen.
"Sometimes a little, but usually only if she kicks something that's not supposed to be kicked."
"It's so weird, it's like……there's a little person inside of you."
"There is, Brittany."
"Oh." Brittany nodded, "Right."
"You look really good, Quinn." Artie said with a smile.
"Thank you," she returned his smile.
"She should," Kurt said, coming up beside Quinn and putting his arm around her shoulder, "I dressed her."
Puck scoffed from across the room as he watched the rest of the Glee club with Quinn. They all seemed to forget that it was his baby to. Or maybe they didn't care. Artie was right though, she did look good. Beautiful, actually. Puck had always known that Quinn was beautiful, but pregnancy really suited her. Her hair was shinier, if that was even possible. Her face was glowing; her boobs looked really nice, and he found her baby bump incredibly sexy. It was too bad that she'd gotten to be such good friends with Rachel Berry. They were practically attached at the hip and Puck was pretty sure Rachel wouldn't let him get close enough to even talk to Quinn. She was protecting her from him. He knew chicks talked to each other and was sure Quinn had told Rachel about his sexting with Santana. He knew Rachel was not the type of girl to agree with that sort of thing. Watching Brittany feel his daughter kick made his blood boil. He'd never gotten to feel her move. He was missing out on so much and Quinn wouldn't let him in. When Puck first found out Quinn was pregnant, he stole a pregnancy book off his mom's shelf and hid it under his bed. He'd been reading it and had actually learned a lot. Like the fact unborn babies can hear the world around them and will recognize familiar voices after birth. He wanted her to know him, know his voice, not Berry's squawking.
"Look!" Someone was shoving something in his face. That someone was Rachel Berry.
"Berry? What's your problem? You scared the shit out of me."
She glared at him, "Language, Noah!"
He smirked, "What the hell is that?"
"It's a sonogram picture."
"Sheesh, Berry, not you too. That one's not mine." He held up his hands defensively.
She rolled her eyes, "It's Quinn's sonogram, so yes, this one is yours."
"Oh," Puck's expression softened and he took the picture from Rachel so he could see it better. He looked confused, "That's a baby?"
Rachel couldn't help but smile, "Here's her head," she pointed to it. "See her little nose?"
Puck smiled, "She's kinda cute, isn't she?"
"She is, and she needs you. So does she," she tipped her head towards Quinn.
"She doesn't want me. She made that quite clear."
"We're girls. We rarely mean what we say. She wants you to prove that you can be there for them, even if she told you not to."
"I tried to give her all my pool cleaning money…."
Rachel sighed in exasperation, "She wants your support, not your money. She's scared and she's had to make some really big decisions about what to do with the baby and she needs your help."
"Is she keeping her?"
"That's not for me to tell you, Noah. All I'm saying is that Quinn needs you to prove that you're not going to let her down. You got her drunk and you slept with her, step up and be a man." Rachel somehow managed to be incredibly forceful and slightly intimidating, even though she was shorter than him and wearing an obnoxious shade of Bubble Gum pink. "Quinn doesn't ask for help. You're just going to have to give it to her, whether she wants it or not."
"Alright guys, let's get started," Mr. Schue's voice filled the choir room, prompting Rachel to skip back to her seat.
Puck spent most of Glee practice trying to figure out how to help Quinn. He could offer to watch the baby for her, but that seemed kind of pointless until after she was born. He could steal some baby stuff for her. Then again, Quinn didn't like it when he stole stuff. He could go to her house and beat the crap out of her dad for being such a narrow minded ass hole, but he figured beating up your child's grandfather probably wasn't a good idea. He decided he'd have to start small with his help, so he held the door open for her after practice. Is that what Rachel meant by help?
"Thank you," she said as she walked through the door. Her voice was soft and she didn't meet his eyes.
"You're welcome." He watched her, struggling a little to juggle her books. "Here, let me take those."
"It's okay, I've got them," she said firmly.
Puck stopped walking and held out his hand, "Just stop being so stubborn and let me carry your damn books."
She rolled her eyes and considered walking on without him, but instead turned and handed them to him. He did offer, and her back was hurting. "Happy?" she asked.
"Yes."
"What's with the chivalrous act?"
"Can't a guy just do something nice?"
Quinn considered his question. Last time he did something "nice" for her was when he offered to cheer her up after Cheerios practice and they ended up getting drunk and having sex. "I guess," she finally answered.
"Why do you carry so many books anyways?"
"Because unlike you I actually go to class."
Puck smirked proudly, "Oh, right."
By this time, they'd reached her locker. "Well, thanks," she said, flinging her locker door open and extended her hands to take her books back.
Puck was ignoring her, instead staring at the sonogram picture of their daughter she had hung inside her locker. "How is she?"
"Huh? Oh," Quinn said, realizing who he was talking about, "she's perfect."
"Healthy?"
Quinn nodded, "The doctor says she couldn't be any healthier."
"That's good," Puck said, and Quinn could swear she heard him sigh in relief.
"She kicks a lot," Quinn offered. "Rachel swears she's going to be a dancer one day."
"She would say that, wouldn't she?" Almost as if on cue, Quinn felt little feet tapping in her belly. She absently ran her hand over the spot and smiled. Without thinking, Puck tentatively reached his hand out towards her stomach, allowing just his fingertips to graze it. "Sorry," he said, quickly pulling his hand back.
"No, it's okay," She took his hand and pressed it to her. "She's your baby too."
Puck smiled wider than Quinn had ever seen him smile before as his hand was met with their baby girl's feet. "So, that's our baby."
"That's our baby."
"Can I come in?" Quinn asked from outside Rachel's bedroom later that night.
Rachel was sitting up in bed reading a book. "Sure," she said, putting the book down. "I thought you were asleep already. Is everything alright?"
"Everything's fine," Quinn walked from the door to Rachel's bed and climbed under the covers with her.
"What's up?"
"I wanted to ask you something." Rachel had helped her with the hard stuff, and now Quinn was determined to do the same for her.
"Okay."
"What happened to your sister, Rachel?" Quinn asked, even though she suspected she already knew the answer.
Rachel looked down and smoothed the blanket on top of her to avoid Quinn's gaze, "What do you mean?"
"I mean what happened to her? Where is she? What's her name? How come you never talk about her?" Rachel was silent, so Quinn reached over, taking her hand and squeezing it. "It's okay, you can tell me."
"Her name is Isabella and she died," her voice was so soft that Quinn could barely hear her. "She died when I was 12."
Quinn heard herself gasp, "Oh my God, Rachel. I'm so, so sorry." Her heart ached for Rachel, and for Matthew and Adam who had been so very kind to her.
Rachel continued to stare down at the bed, a spot of moisture developing from the tears falling from her eyes, "She had cancer. She was sick for a while."
"How old was she?"
"15," it had been a very long time since Rachel had talked about Isabella with anyone but her fathers.
"I don't really know what to say," Quinn said honestly. She'd never been so close to death before.
Rachel finally looked up at Quinn and saw that she was crying to, "You don't have to say anything."
"I know," she pulled Rachel into a tight hug and found her own t-shirt soaked with tears and snot. No wonder Rachel was such a neurotic, attention seeking mess sometimes. She probably had to be that way just to get any attention at all with a sick sister around.
"I know what you're thinking," Rachel said, "I've been who I am since the day I was born. My sister's illness had nothing to do with it. I have videos to prove it."
"I wasn't thinking that," Quinn lied.
"Remember when you asked me what it felt like to miss someone every day for the rest of your life? It's a pain that feels almost impossible sometimes. I miss her every day. There's always something that she should be here to see and she isn't. There's always her empty chair at the dinner table." Rachel was sobbing so hard that her breathing was fast and ragged and Quinn worried she might hyperventilate. "No matter how hard I try to pretend like she's not gone and that nothing bad happened, she is and it did."
"Shhh," Quinn soothed, pushing some of Rachel's long, dark hair out of her face and taking both her hands in an attempt to calm her. She searched Rachel's face, trying to get her to make eye contact. Rachel's breath was coming faster and faster and she looked panicked, "Hey, look at me." Quinn's green eyes locked on Rachel's. "Breathe with me, in and out." Quinn demonstrated as Rachel worked hard to slow her breathing down to match Quinn's. "Tell me about her," she requested in attempt to get Rachel to focus on something other than the fact that she was gone.
"She was pretty," Rachel said once her breathing had slowed.
Quinn knew that, she'd seen pictures of them together on the mantel. "What else?"
"She loved life, even when it was hard for her. She was always smiling and laughing. She was smart and loving and she let me crawl into bed with her when I was little and scared at night. She was everything you'd want a big sister to be. Most of all though, she was brave, she was incredibly brave. I think that's what stands out about Isabella in my mind more than anything else, even more than the fact that she's gone." Quinn blinked back tears as she listened to Rachel describe her sister so vividly. "I think you would have liked her."
Quinn smiled sadly, "I'm sorry I never got to meet her."
"Me too."
"Tell me more about her, could she sing?"
Rachel smiled at the memory of her sister, "No, she was terrible." Quinn smirked a little, "She was a beautiful dancer though, even if she didn't think she was. I used to go to her dance class with her and sit with my dads and copy everything she did. It made her so mad."
"Sounds like a typical thing for a little sister to do."
Rachel nodded, "I admired her so much."
"I bet," Quinn said. She had always admired her older sister as well.
"I just want to make her proud, you know?"
Quinn nodded, "I'm sure she's proud of you."
"I hope so."
"Thank you for telling me about Isabella, Rachel. I know it wasn't easy."
Rachel smiled softly at her friend, "Thank you for asking."
"Mind if I sleep in here tonight?" Quinn asked because she knew that, not unlike herself, Rachel didn't ask for help even if when she needed it.
"Of course not." Rachel replied, grateful to not be alone.