(for toro-nagashi) pills n potions ✸ part 2 of 2

[parkourdeer]

❊ for: toro-nagashi
❊ title: pills n potions



Jongin decides on a Saturday a few weeks later, and Kyungsoo offers to drive them both there since Junmyeon is too busy to go. Their meeting a few days before consisted of Jongin telling Junmyeon about what happened as practice as well as for them both to gain closure. It was an emotional experience for sure, when Junmyeon sobbing and apologizing for not being there for his younger brother, even though he’d been the one to take Jongin to rehab and place him in Kyungsoo’s hands to unravel.

“My parents were excited when I said I was coming over,” Jongin mumbles from the passenger seat, hands gripping the seat belt over his chest. “I-I told them you were just a friend.”

“Good,” Kyungsoo nods, eyes focused on the road. He’d asked Jongin to tell them that, at Jongin’s suggestion, since he doubted they’d act normal if they knew Kyungsoo was there. “You can call me Kyungsoo or hyung, by the way. Not just because of this. Junmyeon may be paying me to be your doctor of sorts, but we don’t have to keep a strictly professional relationship.”

Jongin offers a small smile. “Okay, hyung, I-I’ll speak comfortably around you.”

Kyungsoo can see the nerves dissipate due to the distraction, so he continues to talk, hoping to help calm Jongin. “What did you want to do as a career, Jongin?”

“I wanted to be a dance teacher,” he sighs, staring out the window. “I like kids and dance, so it was just natural. But I don’t know if I can do that now. I need to go back to school and finish my degree, but I haven’t really danced in over a year.”

“Was it an outlet for you? If it was, it could help relieve some stress and help you become happier. Channel all of your negative feelings and make a dance,” Kyungsoo suggests, flicking on his blinker and turning to the right as the GPS directed. “Not that I know anything about the arts, but I have plenty of patients who used a hobby to help them.”

“I suppose I could,” Jongin mumbles thoughtfully. “It’d be hard to get back into it, but I can try.”

“We’ve made improvement right there,” the raven-haired man glances over to grin at him. “The fact that you’re willing to try is amazing. What changed?” It’s so sudden for Jongin to suddenly be open-minded, considering how quiet and shut down he usually is.

“I’m trying to be positive is all,” the younger shrugs. “I-I’ve learned that nothing will come from me just sitting there and rotting away in my self-hate. I have to try to make myself better and heal from this experience.”

Kyungsoo can’t stop himself from grinning widely, happy that Jongin is eager and willing. It was the missing key from before that had them in the same rut of silence and zero improvement during sessions. But now that Jongin is acceptant and listening, his condition can truly advance.

They arrive at Jongin’s parents’ home only ten minutes later. Jongin only looks a little bit shaky, so Kyungsoo touches his arm in support, having learned that Jongin is okay with touch since Kyungsoo is a man. Jongin still side-stepped around women though, hiding behind Junmyeon in the super market.

“You’ll be alright, Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispers as they wait for someone to answer the door. “Everything is going to be fine. You can do it.”

He can see how Jongin’s cheeks raise from his words in his peripheral vision. Kyungsoo knows he’s smiling.

It’s Mrs. Kim who opens the door, looking similar to Junmyeon in many ways with her dark hair tied into a bun. She smiles instantly, warmly. “Jongin! You made it,” her eyes focus on Kyungsoo, “and you must be Jongin’s friend, Kyungsoo. It’s nice to meet you.” Mrs. Kim bows to him, and he politely returns it.

“Thank you for inviting me over,” Kyungsoo replies with a smile.

“Come in, come in, dinner’s just about done,” Mrs. Kim urges, opening the door and stepping back to let Jongin and Kyungsoo inside. She hugs her son briefly as he steps in, and Kyungsoo glances over as he’s taking off his shoes to see Jongin embrace her back kindly. So it isn’t as if he hates his parents, he notes.

“Incoming!” There’s a yell from the living room before the soft sounds of small footsteps pad across the wooden flooring. Taeoh stumbles around the corner, having just learned how to walk, and nearly falls onto his bottom before Mrs. Kim scoops him up with a laugh.

The chubby-cheeked child turns in her arms to see what all the commotion was about, wide eyes falling onto Jongin and Kyungsoo. He looks a whole lot more like Jongin in person, same eyes, straight nose and puffy lips. Kyungsoo turns his head to see Jongin’s reaction.

Jongin is staring at his son in wonder, and Kyungsoo can see the emotion in his eyes and stiffness of his figure. He hasn’t seen Taeoh since he got out of rehab four months ago, and now Taeoh is walking and bigger. It’s surprising how much he’s already missed.

“Look, Taeoh, it’s your daddy!” Mrs. Kim coos, pointing at Jongin. It’s not a surprise that Taeoh doesn’t recognize him, just staring with wide, innocent eyes.

Jongin looks a little uncomfortable and unsure, so Kyungsoo is quick to butt in.

“Hello, Taeoh, I’m Kyungsoo!” the psychiatrist says with a grin and an excited face. He boops the boy’s nose, making him giggle and show the few bottom teeth he has cutely.

“He likes you already!” Mrs. Kim exclaims. “Do you want to hold him while I go finish up cooking?”

“I’d love to,” Kyungsoo chuckles, taking the baby from her as she holds him out by the armpits. Taeoh clings to his neck instantly, wiggling in his footie pajamas. His hair is a little wet, so Kyungsoo figures they just gave him a bath.

“Make yourselves at home,” Mrs. Kim starts leading them into the living room. “Hyojung and your father are just hanging out.” She disappears into the kitchen as Jongin and Kyungsoo walk into the main room, some variety show playing on the TV.

“Jongin!” a bronze beauty leaps up from the sofa to envelope said man in a tight hug, her golden hair rivaling the brightness of Jongin’s bleached look. Kyungsoo can tell this is Hyojung as Jongin relaxes in her hold.

“I missed you,” she pulls back to face him with wet eyes. “But I’m…I’m glad you’re getting your life back on track.”

“I’m trying,” Jongin smiles hopefully before motioning to the shorter man next to him. “This is Kyungsoo-hyung, my, um, friend.”

They exchange greetings, and Kyungsoo takes a seat next to Mr. Kim, introducing himself to him as well. Hyojung and Jongin look more like their father for sure. Taeoh settles in Kyungsoo’s lap, playing with his fingers before Hyojung hands him a little rattle toy shaped like a caterpillar to play with.

Kyungsoo listens as he plays with Taeoh absentmindedly. Most of the conversation is about Hyojung’s years at university or how Jongin’s parents’ bakery is going. He notices that no one mentions or asks anything about Jongin’s life, only asking how Junmyeon’s doing, even as they’re seated at dinner as Taeoh plays in his play-pen in the corner.

As it gets closer to the evening, they’re sitting in the living room and asking about Kyungsoo. Taeoh grows tired of playing with his plastic building blocks, holding a yellow one to his mouth as he sucks on it, standing up on wobbly legs and walking over to Jongin. The conversation pauses as they all watch the child hold the drool-covered block out to his father. Jongin hesitantly holds out his hand, and Taeoh drops it there before holding his stubby arms up, asking for Jongin to hold him.

The blonde’s eyes alight with affection and he drops the block on the couch beside him, taking Taeoh into his arms and turning him around to sit properly on his lap. The little boy gurgles contently, small hand wrapping around Jongin’s thumb. It’s such a serene scene that Kyungsoo can’t help but smile.

And it’s only a few minutes after that that Jongin works up the courage.

“So,” he starts, grabbing everyone’s attention, “I came here to talk about something. I’m sure you all know that I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist after getting out of rehab. And it’s been helping me cope with things that happened to me.” Jongin keeps his eyes on the way Taeoh plays with his fingers sleepily. “Taeoh wasn’t…he wasn’t conceived through love or lust. I-I was raped that night that I met her.”

The room grows quiet, and Jongin looks up just as his father scoffs.

“This is the exact same excuse you brought up last time, Jongin. Why can’t you just admit it was an accident and stop blaming that whore for what you brought onto yourself? Men can’t be raped,” Mr. Kim grumbles, and Kyungsoo turns to him with an unbelieving look.

“It’s the truth!” Jongin pleads, watching as the situation starts to become something he faced before.

“Jongin, honey, maybe your mental state isn’t too good right now,” Mrs. Kim says kindly, but it has nothing but a cruel bite in the words.

Seeing this won’t turn out well, Kyungsoo intercepts as Jongin opens his mouth.

“With all due respect, Mrs. Kim, Jongin is telling the truth. As his psychiatrist, I can assure you that Jongin’s mental state is only bad because he has been holding this in for so long and you won’t believe him,” Kyungsoo spits, quickly getting defensive because things will only be triggering to Jongin if they say anymore. His parents look at Kyungsoo in complete bewilderment, either from what he said or the fact that he’s Jongin’s current psychiatrist.

“How are we supposed to just believe such a thing? There’s no proof of his claim!” Mr. Kim backfires.

“It’s true!” Hyojung speaks up and the attention shifts to her. “He called me that night, so I went to see him and-and he looked terrible, Dad! She didn’t just touch him inappropriately. She scratched him and hit him, and he was really messed up!”

“He’s a man for god’s sake! A couple of scratches from a woman don’t mean anything!”

Though her intentions were pure and impactful, Kyungsoo can see how Jongin’s hand trembles and how he stiffens in his seat, looking uncomfortable and unused to having such an intimate discussion. Clearing his throat, Kyungsoo stands up, picking Taeoh up from Jongin’s lap and giving him to Hyojung.

“Let’s just all cool off and think about things for a moment. If you’ll excuse us, Jongin and I are going to go get some fresh air,” Kyungsoo clarifies, grasping Jongin’s wrist and heaving him off of the couch and out towards the back porch. No one calls after them as he slides the door open and steps out into the cool night air. Letting go of Jongin, he settles for leaning against the railing with a sigh, running a hand through his dark hair that flops back into place.

“Well, that could’ve gone better,” Kyungsoo laughs dryly as Jongin settles to stand beside him.

“Thanks, hyung, for stepping in,” Jongin murmurs softly, rubbing at his eyes to chase away the tears that had been pooling in his eyes. “I don’t-I don’t know how to explain myself well, especially with this.”

“It’s not easy; I’ll give you that,” Kyungsoo reaches over and pats his shoulder in support. “Don’t worry. They might not understand now, but they will eventually. I know this is important to you, so don’t throw the towel in just yet.”

He knows that Jongin’s parents love him, though Kyungsoo isn’t very fond of them at the moment. He has to support Jongin’s need for this if it’s going to help him slowly recover.

“I still have Junmyeon-hyung and Hyojung-noona no matter what,” Jongin speaks positively, staring up at the night sky and the glowing moon, “and you, of course. Even if Mom and Dad don’t believe me, you do, they do.”

Kyungsoo beams, moonlight illuminating his heart-shaped lips. “Things are getting better, Jongin. I can see it. You did amazing with Taeoh. He obviously likes you as a dad already.”

“I want to be there for him now. I want to see him more,” Jongin confesses, running a hand through his hair. “I want to be his father and not miss out on anything.” He’s already missed Taeoh’s first steps, any longer, and he’ll miss Taeoh’s first birthday and his first words.

“We’ll try to tackle things more head-on now,” Kyungsoo nods in agreement with Jongin’s hidden want, “I’ve already got some ideas. First and foremost, we need to help get rid of your insomnia and nightmares. I can prescribe you some sleeping pills, but Junmyeon will be the one to give you your dose only when you need it. I don’t want you taking them every night. And if you have a nightmare, I want you to call me immediately once you wake up. We can talk about it right then and there. Don’t worry about waking me up. I think that once your insomnia is cured, everything else will fall into place naturally. You’ll still visit me, but you can become more involved with Taeoh and focus on finishing school and taking classes the upcoming semester.”

“Just that?” Jongin asks as if he expected there to be some elaborate method.

“Don’t expect it to be easy and things might turn out exactly like that, but it’s my plan,” he replies. “Just try to keep a positive outlook on things. You did really great today, and it was brave of you to come out and say it. The more comfortable you are talking about it proves how you’re learning to think past it.”

The younger man nods, and they stand there in peaceful silence, feeling the night breeze and enjoying the moon beams soaking in their skin. Kyungsoo glances over at Jongin, finding it beautiful how the light shines down on his profile, making his hair even more platinum and outlining the sculpted structure of his face. Jongin looks just like he did when Kyungsoo first met him, but the feeling is different. He isn’t pitiful anymore but hopeful-gentle, not bitter.

Things are finally falling into place.

Jongin doesn’t earn any sort of apology until a week after that night. His mother calls him to apologize, and they meet up to talk things out. Mr. Kim is still refusing to speak to Jongin, but his mother tries to convince him that he’ll come around eventually.

With the new set of closure, Kyungsoo dives right into his treatment plan the next session they hold. He prescribes Jongin sleeping pills, and Jongin follows the directions of having Junmyeon give them to him. As a month passes, he has a few nightmares that have him calling Kyungsoo up breathlessly in the middle of the night, but no more fits of psychosis appear and the month bleeds into the next, the nightmares slowly come to a close. It takes another month before Jongin’s sleeping pattern returns to normal.

As sleep starts to return to him, Jongin’s health condition improves. He eats more and picks up dancing again, running through the basics once more before he’s able to dance like he did over a year ago. Sessions are filled with Jongin trying to teach Kyungsoo dance moves in the tiny office space that has the younger man laughing wholeheartedly for the first time in forever.

Jongin then starts to take care of Taeoh on his own, taking his son into Junmyeon’s flat on the weekends and learning the beauty of parenthood. As it turns out, neither he nor Junmyeon know what to do for a child when left on their own, so Kyungsoo ends up staying over more often than not, since he used to babysit his niece when she was younger. Slowly, Kyungsoo and Jongin drift and become closer to each other, spending a lot of time together.

After he signs up for weekday classes at the university to finish out his degree that he abandoned, Kyungsoo reduces their sessions at his office to once a month. Jongin still doesn’t like to talk about what happened, but he doesn’t flinch when it’s mentioned, and he’s able to function regularly in public.

And yet, he still sees Jongin more often than not. He drops by the office every once in a while, bringing Taeoh with him and claiming that he misses Kyungsoo.

They both know that it’s Jongin who misses Kyungsoo.

Before long, when they’re alone in Junmyeon’s flat and watching some low-budget movie, Taeoh tucked in his new crib in Jongin’s room, Kyungsoo feels Jongin’s breath on his cheek and when he turns his head, lips press gently, hesitantly against his own. It’s shocking but breathtaking, in the good way. A small make out session becomes whispered confessions of feelings neither of them had addressed until that moment.

It’s just like at that moment, and then its love when they say those three words three months later. It nears a year marking their first session together.

But Kyungsoo still struggles with his own problems.

“Kyungsoo, what are these?” Jongin asks from across Kyungsoo’s kitchen, holding a messy-faced Taeoh in his arms.

The older man looks from the food he’s scraping into the trashcan and freezes as he catches sight of the orange bottle of pills in Jongin’s hand-the ones he’d left there last night. He dashes over and snatches them straight out of his hand before he can read the label.

“They’re just pain pills. I get bad migraines sometimes,” he lies smoothly and stashes them in the usual cabinet in the bathroom where they’re supposed to be. Jongin gives him a confused look but goes along with the fib, going back to retrieving a baby wipe to clean the mess on Taeoh’s face and hands.

He doesn’t want Jongin to know that Kyungsoo isn’t perfect. He doesn’t want him to find out that he’s been prescribing them to himself due to addiction and not cure. Jongin already has such a nice image of Kyungsoo, so he can’t know that Kyungsoo can’t control his own urges.

So he stops taking them immediately. It’s not how you’re supposed to cure addiction, but Kyungsoo doesn’t want to go through the long process lowering his dosage one-by-one.

A week in, he wants to die. Depression claims him in a heartbeat, and Kyungsoo shuts himself in his apartment for a week, shaking and sweating and begging for some sort of release for the nauseous feeling in his stomach and the way his nerves jump. Like a real anxiety attack he used to suffer from, he becomes panicked and needs the medication.

He can’t take it anymore.

Running into the bathroom, he tugs at the medicine cabinet frantically, shaking the wood and causing bottles of pills and boxes of band-aids to fall into the sink below. He doesn’t care, grabbing the one prescription bottle that matters. Unscrewing the cap and turning the tap on the sink, he pours the entire contents of the bottle into his mouth, some spilling over onto the floor, and taking a big gulp from the sink to wash them down.

Immediate serenity washes over him at the initial high of knowing he’ll be okay, but the room starts to spin and Kyungsoo begins to heave and vomit as he falls faint to the floor, finding it hard to breathe suddenly.

The last thing he hears is the call of his name, and he sees his mother’s oxford shoes standing in the puddle of his vomit.

It’s hard for Kyungsoo to open his eyes. They feel like heavy weights, and the air around him is cold but the blankets at his chest are warm. There’s a beeping sound beside him, and his throat is awfully dry. After several tries, he finally opens his eyes to a white room-a hospital room, and he’s the one lying in the bed.

He can’t remember what happened.

Turning his head, he finds Jongin curled up in an uncomfortable-looking chair next to the hospital bed and sleeping. Looking around, there’s no one else in the room, but there’s balloons and flowers that have him questioning who else came. Why is he here?

“Jo-Jongin,” Kyungsoo croaks, throat dry.

The younger man doesn’t stir, so he reaches out with a weak hand an IV is attached to and taps him on the arm. It manages to work as Jongin startles awake, looking around and rubbing the sleep from his eyes before he notices Kyungsoo awake and staring at him.

“Kyungsoo-hyung, oh God,” Jongin nearly sobs, getting up and hugging the hospitalized man. “You scared me. You scared the living shit out of me.”

“What happened?” Kyungsoo rasps, lying back against the pillows once Jongin relents his embrace.

The blonde face falls as he sits back down in the chair. “The doctors said you overdosed on anti-anxiety medication, and they pumped your stomach to get all of it out. That’s…what you had in the kitchen the other week, right?”

It all comes flooding back to Kyungsoo, the days spent alone and struggling with trying to tame the addiction that he ended up losing to. Guilt instantly builds in his stomach, and he diverts his eyes to the pastel blue sheets at his waist. “I’m guessing you found me?”

“I came to ask you why you weren’t answering my calls,” Jongin mutters, “and I found you on the bathroom floor.” He looks absolutely betrayed as he looks at Kyungsoo with tears in his eyes. “Why? Why did you do it, Kyungsoo-hyung?”

“I didn’t intend on overdosing, Jongin,” Kyungsoo sighs, rubbing at his face. “I wasn’t trying to commit suicide. I just wasn’t in the right mind because I was trying to break the addiction, so you wouldn’t find out I ever had it. You’re not supposed to just stop it all together or the withdrawal symptoms will kill you, and that’s what happened to me.”

Jongin hands him a cup of water from the table next to the bed to cure his scratchy throat, and Kyungsoo takes a sip before continuing.

“I had bad anxiety as a kid,” he explains, “but my mom was always there to help me through it and calm me down. However, she committed suicide when I was in college due to her untreated depression. Once she was gone, I relapsed back into my anxious self. I prescribed myself this medication, but I got addicted and took too many sometimes. I didn’t want to tell you this because I didn’t want to ruin the image you have of me.”

“Don’t you think I would have understood? I wouldn’t have gotten angry if you had just told me!” Jongin glares at him, and Kyungsoo knows he’s not angry, just hurt. “I’ve been in the same boat, hyung. We’re only human; who gives a fuck if I see you as some perfect person or not?”

His words have a bite to them, though his eyes are teary. Kyungsoo can only avert his eyes in guilt and regret. Jongin is right. He should have just been honest from the start when their professional relationship was shattered.

Jongin reaches out and grabs Kyungsoo’s pale hand, intertwining their fingers. He sighs to calm down, knowing he shouldn’t throw all of this at a hospitalized person. “I’m sorry. You just scared me, okay? I-I thought you were dead when I found you. I didn’t think the ambulance would come in time.”

“I’m sorry, too,” the raven-haired man squeezes Jongin’s hand gently, settling back against his pillow as he still feels a bit drowsy from whatever they’ve got him on. “I never wanted to scare you. I won’t die so soon, Jongin, especially when I’ve got you.” Kyungsoo smiles a strained, sleepy grin.
Jongin smiles back at him and releases his hand to stand up. He stretches for a second, his back cracking from the uncomfortable sleeping arrangement as he winces. And then, leaning over Kyungsoo’s bed, he brushes Kyungsoo’s black bangs out of his eyes before bending down to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead. Kyungsoo hums in glee at the soft feeling, fighting to keep his eyes open now that there’s a warm feeling resonating through him.

Jongin was the thing missing in his boring life that consisted of meddling in other’s lives to ignore his own. He loves Jongin, the only person Kyungsoo’s ever bothered to get really close to after his mother’s death. It’s a bit funny to him, really, how his intention was to heal Jongin, but in the end, he was patched up too.

“You can sleep, hyung,” Jongin murmurs to him as he’s floating between coherent thoughts and sleep. “I’m just going to tell the doctor that you woke up.”

There’s a hand caressing his cheek before the warmth of Jongin disappears, and Kyungsoo mumbles something out that sounds like I lub you, nog.

Jongin snickers from the doorway, “I love you too.”

Things don’t go exactly back to how they were. Kyungsoo is forced to quit working, due to his own mental health and has to visit another psychiatrist and attend rehab sessions. He doesn’t like being analyzed by someone else or handing over his current patients to other doctors in the area, but it’s the doctor’s orders.

It’s hard to get away from taking the pills, and Kyungsoo nearly relapses a few times when he’s home alone and can’t sleep. But Jongin starts to stay over in his apartment some nights while Junmyeon watches Taeoh and the comfort help Kyungsoo sleep and forget. When the panic gets bad, Jongin just lies down with him and runs a hand through Kyungsoo’s hair like his mother used to.

At this point in time, Taeoh lives exclusively with Jongin and Junmyeon. Jongin turns out to be a spectacular father, and Kyungsoo can see the adoration in his eyes anytime Taeoh is near. Now two years old, Taeoh is babbling away, and Jongin excitedly calls Kyungsoo every time he says something new or funny.

Jongin finally finishes his last semester and graduates from university. It’s a strong feat that proves how far he’s come, how far they come. And when he gets a job at a nearby dance studio, he asks Kyungsoo if they can move in together.

Things are fine.