Reckless #118: Somedays I'm Made Of Metal [Part 2/2]
Kyungsoo sleeps with Jongin. An innocent sharing of beds when the hour grows late and Kyungsoo can’t be bothered going home.
It happens more than it should.
He wakes up with Jongin’s arms draped across his chest, a leg across his hips. Jongin is as clingy while he sleeps as he is awake, affectionate and emotional. He’s always awake before Jongin is, takes to the habit of watching him sleep and admits to no one that Jongin is so very precious to him. He barely admits it to himself, judgment clouded by sleepiness as he watches Jongin fondly.
Jongin’s hair is always messy in the morning, sticking up in every direction, unwilling to be tamed by anything other than a hairbrush. Kyungsoo likes to brush Jongin’s hair from his forehead, curl strands around his fingers while he waits for Jongin to wake up.
“G’mornin’,” Jongin mumbles sleepily. He snuggles closer to Kyungsoo, head buried in the space between neck and shoulder. Jongin doesn’t need pillows when sleeping, not when Kyungsoo is around.
“Morning,” Kyungsoo replies. He doesn’t recognise the tone of his voice, it’s too soft, gentle. He only seems to get this way around Jongin, and there’s implications that he just doesn’t want to think about.
Kyungsoo has never felt the urge to kiss someone. Usually it’s the means to an end, a precursor for sex and something Kyungsoo doesn’t really enjoy.
But Jongin isn’t just anyone, he’s beautiful and wonderful and warm. He lets Kyungsoo play with his hair and sees worth in Kyungsoo that doesn’t derive from sex. He’s not good for anything else, so he wonders what it is that Jongin sees in him. Pretty, pretty Jongin with his sleepy eyes and bright future.
“You’re so cute in the morning,” Jongin says. His lips bush against Kyungsoo’s neck as he speaks. “Your hair is all fluffy.”
“Says you,” Kyungsoo tugs lightly at a few unruly strands just to prove his point.
Jongin smiles at him, soft and sleepy. Kyungsoo’s heart lurches in his chest.
He’s never wanted to kiss anyone more.
------
Kyungsoo can’t hear his ringtone over the noise, but he can feel the vibration of his phone from his back pocket. It remains unchecked and unanswered-- Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he brought his phone to begin with, probably something to do with the satisfaction of seeing the little missed call messages on the screen.
It’s Jongin calling, of course it is. Everyone else texts or sends him a message on Facebook. Jongin is the only person who ever calls, and he’s calling off the hook. He’ll call until the battery drains but Kyungsoo won’t answer. Why would he? He’s having too much fun.
The music is loud, Kyungsoo is drunk and there are curious hands tugging at his shirt. There are mouths on his neck, plural. Two, if he’s counting correctly, but there’s too much alcohol in his system to be entirely sure. He kisses one of them, then another. A third comes out of nowhere and he kisses them too. It’s nice to be the centre of this kind of attention; he’s in his zone, this is where Kyungsoo thrives.
To think he could have missed out on this, on the hands sliding under his shirt and the lips on his. This is what he’s been missing out on, all those nights he’s spent locked away with Jongin.
Jongin. His phone vibrates again, another call to go unanswered. He’s skipping their unofficial night together, and has done so without telling Jongin. It’s just like him to be worried, though he knows enough about Kyungsoo to know that he’s out, he’s drunk and he intends on taking someone home. Someone that’s not Jongin.
Avoidance is the best cure for feelings, Kyungsoo knows this. He distracts himself with the lips of others so he can forget the idea of Jongin’s.
(It’s not working.)
He’ll sleep with as many people as it takes to forget, but there’s a constant buzzing in his pocket to remind Kyungsoo what he’s missing out on.
------
“You’re an awful person and I don’t know why we’re friends,” Sehun frowns, pushing a bottle of Gatorade into Kyungsoo’s hand. He looks mad, but he’s still concerned over Kyungsoo’s well being, so he can’t be all that angry.
“What have I done now?” Kyungsoo’s tongue feels thick in his mouth, his entire body sore. There’s an ache in his neck that he’s sure comes from a well placed bite mark. He rubs at the spot absentmindedly.
“You bailed on Jongin,” Sehun doesn’t have to say it. Kyungsoo already feels like shit, and it’s not just the hangover. “You ditched your best friend to hook up with half the campus.”
“Did I?” Kyungsoo’s memory is fuzzy. He doesn’t remember much, only the burn of alcohol and the incessant buzzing of his back pocket.
“Junmyeon saw, he said it wasn’t pretty.” Funny. Kyungsoo never knew they were friends. “And Jongin’s not too happy with you, either.”
Of course he isn’t. Kyungsoo basically stood him up.
“It’s not like we had any form of agreement,” Kyungsoo replies. His stomach churns, and he can’t wait for Sehun to leave. His plans for the day include hugging the toilet bowl and not much else.
“You bailed on date night,” Sehun pushes. He still stands at Kyungsoo’s doorway, refusing to step foot inside the apartment. It’s not the kind of conversation to have in such a public space. Maybe an audience would shame Kyungsoo into apologising.
“We don’t have date nights,” Kyungsoo is too tired for this shit.
“Well, they sure seem like it.”
“Why do you keep pushing the idea of Jongin and I?” Kyungsoo rests a hand against his stomach, trying to will the nausea away.
“I’m not,” Sehun sighs, “I’m just telling you what it looks like from an outsider’s perspective.”
“I don’t care what outsiders think,” Kyungsoo says. His stomach lurches and he dry heaves, he wraps a hand across his mouth in preparation. Sehun looks concerned, but he takes a step back in caution, just in case.
The nausea ebbs away, just slightly. Kyungsoo removes his hand, motioning to Sehun that he’s fine. He hopes the display is enough to send Sehun running. Kyungsoo hates conversations like this, and he will throw up on Sehun if it’ll make him leave.
“Please,” Sehun begs, “please don’t get your heart broken.”
“If the rumours are to be believed,” Kyungsoo starts, breaking the seal on his Gatorade. “Then I don’t exactly have a heart to break.”
“Don’t be a cliche piece of shit,” Sehun scolds. He smiles, tight lipped. Still worried. “Feel better soon, you asshole.”
“Thanks,” Kyungsoo says.
The door closes and the nausea resurfaces. He barely makes it to the bathroom before he finally throws up.
------
Despite Sehun’s mini-lecture and words of warning, nothing really changes between Kyungsoo and Jongin. He’s still the same constant presence he always was, never mentioning the night Kyungsoo abandoned him or the forty three missed calls.
It’s like it never happened, and if Jongin’s over it then so is Kyungsoo. He has half the mind to believe that Sehun was just trying to start shit, because it’s such a Sehun thing to do. Maybe Kyungsoo hooked up with Luhan or something. It’s not like he remembers, and he honestly wouldn’t put it past himself to go for his best friend’s-well, whatever Luhan is-just because he’s bored.
If anything Jongin becomes more touchy, needy. If it were anyone else then he’d find it all so awfully stifling, irritating. But Jongin has fit himself within Kyungsoo’s life as he fits so perfectly within Kyungsoo’s lap. When Jongin isn’t around, he’s so unbelievably lost.
“This movie isn’t as good as I remembered,” Jongin says. His voice is muffled by Kyungsoo’s thigh, his makeshift pillow for the evening.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo agrees. He hasn’t really been paying attention, his focus on the way Jongin’s hair curls around his fingers as they scratch at his scalp. “Though I think I was making out with someone the last time I saw it.”
“Should we make out, then?” Jongin doesn’t sound nervous, he sounds like he’s making a joke. An awful one at that. Kyungsoo’s hand stills as he tries to stop himself from saying yes, or from pushing Jongin into the couch instead.
“Funny,” Kyungsoo says. He collects himself, tugging on one of Jongin’s curls.
It’s just a joke it’s just a joke it’s just a joke-
“I’m not joking,” Jongin says, sitting up. He looks serious, and Kyungsoo doesn’t like his expression like this. Jongin is the most beautiful when he smiles, why isn’t he smiling-
“What?” There are so many thoughts running through Kyungsoo’s head, none of which filter from his brain and to his mouth. If it were anyone else, he’d already be sucking on their tongue. But it’s not just anyone, it’s Jongin. Beautiful, untouchable Jongin.
“You told me that your friends were just people you slept with,” Jongin explains. He’s being too logical, too literal. Friendship isn’t defined through sex, but Kyungsoo’s never been good at meeting people without it. “So I figured, why not? You’ll keep up the tradition and I’ll stop feeling so left out.”
“You’re not missing out on much,” Kyungsoo tries to argue. It hurts, because at this moment he wants nothing more than Jongin, and everything he’s willing to give him. But it’s for the best, honestly it is.
“Okay,” Jongin says. He’s so precious, not wanting to force, argue or coerce. Kyungsoo’s said no, and he’s accepting it. Jongin is beautiful, perfect, and Kyungsoo doesn’t deserve him.
He doesn’t deserve him, but oh does he want. Kyungsoo has tried to forget Jongin, but something blooms in his chest, unfamiliar, unnamed emotions that sprout each time Kyungsoo even thinks of him. It’s a warmth that spreads as his fingertips burn while they drag along Jongin’s skin.
“I want to,” Kyungsoo says quietly. He’s not usually so reserved, but for once he’s nervous- it could still be a joke, he could still face rejection. It’s an unease he hasn’t felt in years.
“This isn’t pity,” Jongin says. He shifts closer to Kyungsoo, slowly, gently. Kyungsoo lets Jongin come to him, terrified of scaring him off. “Not on either of our parts. It’s just for fun.”
“Fun,” Kyungsoo croaks. Jongin doesn’t mention feelings because he doesn’t have to. Kyungsoo can’t love, so why should he be reminded not to? A lump settles in his throat. “Yeah, this is just for fun.”
Jongin’s hand rests on his shoulder, thumb stroking gently at his neck. In any other situation, Jongin’s gestures would be a friendly kind of affectionate, it’s just the type of person he is. But Jongin pairs his affection with the intention to kiss Kyungsoo, and it’s already too much.
Kyungsoo’s never seen the point in kissing, and perhaps it’s because he’s been kissing the wrong people all along. Jongin isn’t inexperienced, just gentle. He doesn’t start with teeth and tongues, just the feeling of lips on lips, the curl of Jongin’s fingers in Kyungsoo’s hair. It’s too soft of a kiss to be just for fun, it’s not the way hook ups start out.
Wrapping his arms around Jongin’s waist, Kyungsoo sighs. It’s nice, too nice. He’s going to think about kissing Jongin for the rest of his life, he could kiss the world and never find anyone whose lips feel the way Jongin’s do.
He smiles. He can’t help himself. Jongin tightens his hold on Kyungsoo’s hair and kisses the smile straight from his mouth, a little harder this time, a little more desperate. This is more familiar territory for Kyungsoo; a tongue against his, teeth digging into his lip, Jongin’s breathy moans as fingernails dig into his hip.
“You’re good at this,” Jongin sounds breathless, like Kyungsoo has pulled the oxygen from his lungs. And maybe he has, maybe Kyungsoo steals air as easily as he steals hearts.
“I’ve had a lot of practice.”
It’s probably the wrong thing to say, but Kyungsoo isn’t known for his filter. Talking about previous hook ups doesn’t usually feel like such a taboo, but no one else’s brows have creased in displeasure at the mention of others. Kyungsoo presses his lips against the frown line, so soft and gentle. He wills Jongin’s uncertainty away with affection.
Jongin returns it two-fold. It’s like a switch is flipped or something equally as cliche, where Jongin’s softness is replaced by a little more passionate. Kyungsoo takes control, because that’s just how he is. He pulls Jongin’s shirt from his body, running his hands along smooth skin. He doesn’t have a chance to look, not with the way Jongin pulls his hair and sucks his tongue. Kyungsoo is preoccupied with the way it feels, abandoning sight for the sensation of touch.
They should move to Jongin’s bedroom or even the floor. The couch is too small for their limbs, it’s awkward and uncomfortable but Kyungsoo can’t pull himself away, not even for a moment. He’s frantic, and Jongin picks up on the atmosphere. Hands fumble in their haste, clothes coming off awkwardly, getting caught on knees and elbows before falling into a pile on the floor.
“We’re naked,” Jongin says in disbelief, kicking his underwear off his foot. “We’re naked and we’re doing this.”
“We can stop?” Kyungsoo sits up, regarding Jongin curiously. He doesn’t want to stop, but if Jongin is uncomfortable-
“No,” Jongin shakes his head. It’s strange, they sit on the couch as they normally do, only sans clothes and with kiss swollen lips. “I want to keep going.”
Jongin lies back, propping his head up on a pillow, using his legs to draw Kyungsoo in. He wraps his legs around Kyungsoo’s waist, trapping him there, crotches brushing and nails already digging into Kyungsoo’s shoulder blades
“You’re beautiful,” Kyungsoo whispers. He doesn’t know what comes over him, why he confesses something so incriminating. His thoughts are his own and not for the world to hear, but now Jongin knows just one of the things that goes through his head. It should be terrifying, but Jongin already knows Kyungsoo better than everyone else. What’s one more piece of information to his Kyungsoo Encyclopedia?
“I bet you say that to everyone,” Jongin says, though he blushes under the attention. Kyungsoo memorises the shape of Jongin’s face using his fingertips.
“Just you,” Kyungsoo replies, truthfully. He doesn’t usually talk in bed, sex being no place for a conversation. But with Jongin it feels natural; their relationship is based around talking, so sex is naturally the same.
Jongin kisses him suddenly. It could be a surge of affection, it could be to stop Kyungsoo from talking. It works as intended, Kyungsoo bites at Jongin’s bottom lip, lowering his crotch to brush against Jongin’s. They rut together, Jongin panting as their cocks slide against each other, Kyungsoo sucking bruises into Jongin’s neck. It’s not like him to leave marks, but extended make out sessions and calling people beautiful aren’t exactly his usual style, either.
Sex with Jongin is a blur, tangled limbs and heated kisses. Kyungsoo can barely move, what with the way Jongin holds him so tightly, though he can’t bring himself to pull away, not for a second. He’s never experienced anything like it; the sex itself is fairly routine, but there’s something there that’s different to every other encounter he’s had- it’s not rushed, nor messy. Jongin isn’t too loud or too quiet.
It’s perfect. Absolutely perfect.
Kyungsoo comes with a muffled groan, he mouths lazily at the skin of Jongin’s chest as he comes down from his sex-induced high. With sure strokes, he takes Jongin’s cock into his hand, getting him off while they kiss slowly, Kyungsoo tasting Jongin’s moans as they fall from swollen lips.
“That was…” Jongin starts, pulling his underwear on. He doesn’t bother with the rest of his clothes, it’s far too hot in the apartment for anything but the barest of covers.
Kyungsoo wants to reply, tell him it was amazing perfect wonderful, that nothing will ever compare to Jongin, that everyone else has been ruined for him, probably forever.
“That was fun,” Jongin continues, giggling a little to himself. “But let’s never do it again.”
They say heartbreak is painful, but Kyungsoo feels nothing but emptiness.
------
It takes Kyungsoo far too long to admit that his feelings for Jongin are a little more than platonic. It’s so unlike him to fall for someone, and while he’s unfamiliar with love, he can’t really think of anything else to describe the way he feels. Like is too gentle, there isn’t enough emotion behind it. Like isn’t all consuming, isn’t like that eats away at his chest, the ache overtaking the emptiness as time passes.
Wallowing in self-pity is the coping mechanism for the weak minded. Kyungsoo isn’t as strong as he makes himself out to be, but that’s what the walls are for- a solid exterior to deflect and protect as he cowers behind them.
He doesn’t blame Jongin. It’s no one’s fault that everything is so pathetically one sided, and Kyungsoo isn’t petty enough to take his own heartbreak out on Jongin. He’s an awful human being, it’s true. But he’s not the type to antagonize someone over their lack of romantic attraction.
Still. It hurts. The heartbreak he sees in movies can’t possibly compare to the real thing. It’s not something fixed with ice cream and sad songs, and Kyungsoo is ashamed to admit that he tries it-- the love ballads and the chocolate chips do nothing to soothe him, if anything they make it worse.
Hoarse, heartbroken and nursing a stomach ache, Kyungsoo tries to sleep, hoping that his dreams are a little kinder than his reality.
------
“So,” Sehun settles between Kyungsoo and Jongin on the couch. Things aren’t exactly awkward, though they are a little tense. “I heard you two fucked.”
“You didn’t hear,” Jongin mumbles grumpily, “I told you.”
“You told him?” Kyungsoo is surprised. He knows that Jongin and Sehun are close, but he always thought that sex was an off-limits topic between the two of them.
“Who was better, me or him?” Sehun asks. He flutters his eyelashes at Kyungsoo, an over exaggerated attempt at seduction. It doesn’t work on him, not anymore.
“Jongin,” Kyungsoo replies truthfully. He tries to be nonchalant, but Sehun’s raised eyebrow means he’s either transparent or unsuccessful.
“How was it for you?” Sehun asks Jongin, swatting him playfully on the thigh. “God, I feel like a sex therapist.”
“You’re a terrible therapist,” Jongin mutters, “but it was good. Really good.”
“A repeat performance, maybe?” Sehun wiggles his eyebrows. Neither Kyungsoo nor Jongin make a move to reply. “It can’t have been that good,” Sehun continues, “if neither of you are willing to go again.”
“It was a one time thing,” Jongin says. He shifts awkwardly in his seat. It’s obvious that he doesn’t want the conversation to continue; he’s not like Kyungsoo and Sehun, he doesn’t like to discuss his sex life with others.
“Just to get it over with, you know?” Kyungsoo adds.
Sehun doesn’t look convinced.
“Whatever you say.”
------
For all intents and purposes, Jongin is avoiding Kyungsoo. They still spend small amounts of time together, moments where contact is avoidable. Those situations usually involve Sehun, so there’s someone for both of them to hide behind. Kyungsoo’s never felt awkward with someone after sleeping with them, but there’s a first time for everything, from post-sex uncertainty to the realisation of feelings.
Kyungsoo misses Jongin. It’s been weeks since they last spent time together, just the two of them. It’s not the same with Sehun around, though he’s getting awfully good at breaking awkward silences and changing topics when they take dangerous turns towards the nature of Kyungsoo and Jongin’s relationship.
But what’s done is done, and Kyungsoo waits patiently for Jongin to get over whatever it is that’s bothering him. He’ll be there, waiting, for when Jongin’s attitude returns to normal. Kyungsoo isn’t all that unaffected; how can he forget the one night he’ll ever have with Jongin? But there’s no time to mourn the tattered ruins of their friendship. There’s no single part of Kyungsoo’s being that regrets sleeping with Jongin. It was his first and only chance, and he took it. Kyungsoo is nothing, if not selfish.
Still, he tries to rid his mouth of the taste of Jongin’s kisses, takes willing soul after willing soul into his bed in compensation. He washes his sheets and basks in the attention of others, hoping for one moment that it’ll make him forget the feeling of Jongin’s lips on his skin and the feeling of Jongin’s legs around his waist.
“You’re an idiot,” Sehun says. He has Luhan by the hand, waiting to use the bedroom that Kyungsoo stumbles out of. He doesn’t remember the name of the guy still seated on the bed, probably searching for the clothes Kyungsoo threw across the room. He was tall, but not tall enough. He didn’t moan like Jongin, didn’t have the same look in his eyes that Jongin had.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kyungsoo mutters, pushing past. Usually, he’d stop to congratulate Sehun on his fantastic choice in partner, but not tonight. He’s got this unpleasant taste in his mouth, and Kyungsoo can only hope that alcohol will wash it away.
------
It’s rare for Kyungsoo to take someone home. He makes exceptions, mostly for friends or when there is no other option. The kid he has bent over the arm of his couch apparently lives with his parents, so his house was out of the question. Kyungsoo lives alone, so there’s no opportunity for anyone to walk in, nor to be bothered by the noise.
And the kid is noisy. Kyungsoo calls him kid, but he’s the same age as Jongin and Sehun, little first years who haven’t been warned not to stay away from big, bad people like Kyungsoo. Not quite virginal yet still impossibly naive, it took next to no effort on Kyungsoo’s part to seduce him away from his table and onto Kyungsoo’s couch.
“I’ll come back later.”
Funny, Kyungsoo never heard the door open. He’s been rather preoccupied, and the sound of moans and skin on skin probably masked the squeaking of the hinges. Jongin doesn’t move, he just stares at Kyungsoo and his unnamed partner with something that looks a little like disgust.
“Why didn't you tell me that you were coming over,” Kyungsoo says. He doesn’t bother pulling out, he completely ignores the person beneath him to focus on Jongin.
“I sent you a message,” Jongin clears his throat awkwardly, inspecting the carpet. “I suppose you were too busy to read it.”
“I’m not busy now,” Kyungsoo says. His bed partner squeaks out an affronted hey! in response, though he goes unnoticed.
“You look very busy,” Jongin points out. He’s sought Kyungsoo out, wants to spend some time together by the looks of it. And instead of finding Kyungsoo on his own, he’s found him balls deep in someone else. If Jongin asks for his name, Kyungsoo won’t be able to remember it. Though, he supposes, knowing the names of his one night stands isn’t really his style, and Jongin knows it.
“He was just leaving,” Kyungsoo assures him.
He pulls out quickly, probably too fast to be entirely comfortable. The kid dresses quickly, leaves scowling, though otherwise silent. Kyungsoo can’t wait to hear the rumours this one spreads. Something to do with jealous ex-boyfriends, a long winded and entirely fabricated tale about Jongin’s possessiveness. He wonders how this will affect Jongin’s reputation, but mostly he’s scared that the kid will spread the truth; that Do Kyungsoo is in love.
“I’m sorry for interrupting,” Jongin, to his credit, doesn’t look nearly as disgusted as he should. He sits on the opposite side of the couch to the still-drying patch of pre-come and lube, and does so with dignity.
“You’re more important,” Kyungsoo shrugs. He’s only wearing his underwear. Jongin’s seen him in less, and he’s too tired to pull anything more on. If he gets cold, there’s a blanket draped along the back of the couch, and hopefully Jongin has figured out his issues and once again able to provide body heat.
“I’m more important than sex,” Jongin deadpans, “somehow, I don’t believe you.”
“It’s true,” Kyungsoo replies quietly, “you mean more to me than anyone else.”
It’s the closest thing to a confession that Kyungsoo is willing to make. If Jongin doesn’t want to believe him, then it’s his own fault; Kyungsoo would remain celibate for the rest of his life if it meant that Jongin would just look at him.
He’s met with silence.
------
It takes time, but their friendship returns to normal, in the end. Jongin doesn't mention the time they slept together, nor the time he caught Kyungsoo fucking a nameless guy on the couch. From the outside and from Jongin's point of view, nothing ever happened.
And if that’s what it takes, then so be it. Kyungsoo would rather have an in denial Jongin than a distant one. Touches slowly change from hesitant to comfortable, their skinship returning to its natural state. Jongin comes over a little more often, claiming that Sehun’s too loud and intrusive, and that he just wants to spend some quiet time alone with Kyungsoo.
What he has with Jongin aligns perfectly with Kyungsoo’s idealised relationship. It used to be an intrusive thought, a ‘what if’ for when he’s alone, lonely and sick of lying to himself. He’s always imagined something like this, casual dates and no fuss, cuddling on the couch and personal jokes. Friendship with extra perks and monogamy; he hates himself for how much he wants it.
It’s frightening how docile he is around Jongin. Sehun’s noticed, has commented on it before. He says Kyungsoo is comfortable in Jongin’s presence, but there’s a difference between feeling comfortable and being unobtrusive- Kyungsoo thrives on attention, but with Jongin, he’s willing to play vines to Jongin’s wallflower.
They cuddle. It’s sweet, innocent, almost platonic but only because the feeling of Jongin’s arms around him makes Kyungsoo’s heart beat double time in his chest. He can’t be the only one affected, not with the way Jongin’s breath hitches when Kyungsoo runs a gentle thumb along the line of Jongin’s collar bone.
Jongin’s decided they should commit to a TV series instead of movies, something they can watch together, a weekly ritual to guarantee that Kyungsoo will see him. Kyungsoo doesn’t have to speculate on Jongin’s motives, because he was told the moment the show’s opening theme started that the whole thing is just a thinly veiled excuse to spend time together.
Kyungsoo is hopeful, and it’s not an emotion he experiences often, especially in this context. Jongin wants to see him, wants to spend time alone with him. He picks a series Kyungsoo will like, with characters he relates to. They cuddle, and sometimes Kyungsoo gains enough courage to hold Jongin’s hand. It’s nice, too nice. Jongin is better than he deserves.
“You liking it so far?” Jongin’s voice is soft, his words whispered into Kyungsoo’s hair. He swears he feels a kiss pressed to the side of his head.
“I am,” Kyungsoo lies. He’s too distracted by Jongin and the feelings he evokes to concentrate on cartoons about anthropomorphic animals and their struggles. He laughs when Jongin does, prompted by the soft rise and fall of his chest as he giggles.
“You know,” Jongin says quietly. Kyungsoo can barely hear him over the sound of the TV. “I haven’t seen you with anyone since…”
“I haven’t really felt like it,” he tries to act nonchalant. It probably doesn’t work as well as he intends.
“I’m worried,” Jongin pokes him in the side, a good natured jab. “It’s not like you to go so long without sex.”
“And it’s not like you to bring it up,” Kyungsoo counters. He needs to change the topic, revert Jongin’s attention back to the show they’re watching. It’s dangerous territory, and with Kyungsoo as content as he is, there’s the possibility for confessions, words he can never take back.
“Like I said,” Jongin replies, “I’m worried.”
“Why would I need anyone else when I have you?”
It’s not a confession but it’s close; Kyungsoo toes a line, and with the way Jongin stiffens, he’s not sure if he should cross it. On one hand, it gives him a chance to hurt and move on. On the other, Jongin might run away again, this time for good. Kyungsoo would rather let his feelings run their course and come out on the other side, unschathed and with a friend.
“Don’t say things like that,” Jongin pulls away, his arm falling from Kyungsoo’s shoulder, creating distance between the two of them. “I might start getting the wrong idea.”
“Is the idea what’s wrong, or your perception of it?” Kyungsoo asks. He misses Jongin’s touch already.
“Both,” Jongin replies.
------
Sehun wiggles his fingers at a blushing Luhan. Kyungsoo’s been too busy with Jongin to ask how their relationship is progressing, but judging by the kiss Luhan blows back in Sehun’s direction, it’s going well.
“So,” Sehun starts. He has his customary frappe in hand, but he hasn’t drunk enough of the liquid for it to slurp! obnoxiously. “You didn’t hear this from me, but-”
“I never hear anything from you,” Kyungsoo interjects. Sehun thrives on drama, and he’s never been sure where he sources his information from. It’s probably Baekhyun- he’s friends with everyone and a blabbermouth once he hits the vodka.
“This isn’t gossip,” Sehun says, “this is an exclusive truth bomb and it’s for your ears only.”
“I’m listening,” Kyungsoo doesn’t have high hopes. Sehun rarely has information he wants to hear, and ‘exclusives’ usually revolve around people’s opinions of him in bed.
“It’s about Jongin,” he continues, “and you’re really going to want to hear this.”
“Get on with it,” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. Jongin isn’t one to start, nor be involved in anything Sehun considers gossip worthy. Unless he’s suddenly taken to hosting orgies in their dorm room, there’s not much Sehun can say that will shock, awe or surprise him.
“He’s into you,” Sehun looks smug. He takes a sip of his frappe and winks at Luhan like he hasn’t shifted Kyungsoo’s entire worldview. “He’s never going to admit it, but I thought you should know.”
“Why would I want to know that?” Kyungsoo’s mouth feels dry. He drinks half his latte in one go, ignoring the way it scalds his tongue. He would try and appear unbothered by the information, but it’s honestly unbelievable and completely out of the blue.
“Because you never talk about your feelings,” Sehun starts, “you have one of two options,” he raises two fingers in the air, dropping one with each point. “You either confess your undying love, or deal with the problem accordingly.”
“You said he’d break my heart,” Kyungsoo says. Thinly veiled confessions are becoming far more common. He wonders if it’s time to speak his feelings outright. “If our feelings are mutual, then what could go wrong?”
“Everything,” Sehun replies solemnly. Kyungsoo’s finally admitted out loud that he likes Jongin, but he hasn’t received the response he was expecting. “He doesn’t want to be in love with you, Kyungsoo.”
“What.”
“He would say no if you asked him out,” Sehun sighs, “he wants you, but he doesn’t at the same time.”
“You’re not making any sense,” Kyungsoo replies. He resists the urge to tug at his hair in frustration. “He likes me, I like him. What’s there to complicate?”
“Don’t ask him out,” Sehun’s voice is more serious than Kyungsoo is used to. “I’m serious. Get over him, move on, leave it be.”
“But what if I can’t?”
Sehun blinks. His face twists; concern, worry, pity. He understands now, just how Kyungsoo feels.
“I’m so sorry,” he says.
-----
Kyungsoo’s never been too good at following directions. There’s a discussion they need to have, Kyungsoo and Jongin, with no input from Sehun. He appreciates the concern, honestly. But it’s not his place. Kyungsoo hasn’t tried to interfere with Sehun’s relationship, and it’s not really his place to interfere with Kyungsoo’s.
He knocks on Jongin’s door, fully aware that he’s home alone. He’s been invited over, after all, beckoned to fill the silence Sehun has left behind.
“Hey!” Jongin looks happy to see him. He always does. Jongin is the only person who seems to enjoy Kyungsoo’s company over others; enthusiasm he once thought was friendship now revealed to be something more.
“I’ve missed you,” Kyungsoo says.
He hugs Jongin, like he always does when he sees him. Only this time he holds on a little tighter, doesn’t quite pull back once it finishes. His hands linger on Jongin’s shoulders, he uses them for leverage as he presses a kiss to Jongin’s lips. It’s soft, simple. A greeting, though something a little more intimate than usual. Kyungsoo expects to see Jongin’s dopey smile as he pulls away, but he’s met with a frown.
“Kyungsoo…” Jongin trails off, “Sehun told you, didn’t he?”
“He did,” Kyungsoo goes in for another kiss, and is surprised when Jongin pushes him away.
“Please don’t do this to me.”
Jongin sounds pained, his eyes closed and mouth still curled into a frown.
“Why not?” Kyungsoo steps forwards. Jongin steps back. He’s trying to run away, but Kyungsoo’s never been one to give up on a chase.
“I’m in love with you,” Jongin says, “but why would I want to be?”
“Is this because I sleep around?” Kyungsoo asks, genuinely curious. He knows Jongin has never quite approved of his lifestyle, but he can’t imagine it being this much of a problem.
“That’s not the issue,” Jongin sighs, running a hand through his hair. “It’s never been the issue.”
“Then what is the issue?” The frustration seeps into Kyungsoo’s voice. He’s getting irritated, and it’s not the kind of emotion he can just push down. “I like you, you like me. I can’t see the problem, here.”
“I don’t like you,” Jongin can’t seem to look at Kyungsoo. It’s an avoidance technique; if he can’t see the problem, then in some way it doesn’t exist. “Kyungsoo, I love you. It’s different for me.”
“I love you too.” Kyungsoo says it aloud. It feels good, getting it off his chest.
“Do you even know the meaning of the word?” Jongin bites out, “I’m sorry, but from what I’ve seen, you’re pretty incapable of human emotions.”
It hurts. Probably a little more than it should.
“Please understand,” Jongin says softly, “this,” he gestures between the two of them, “this would never work.”
“If that’s what you want,” Kyungsoo has lost the ability to fight. Jongin has made up his mind, and if Kyungsoo’s learnt anything, it’s that Jongin is very stubborn when he wants to be.
“It is,” Jongin nods, mostly to himself, “I hope you can understand.”
“I can’t,” Kyungsoo admits, “but I can try.”
It’s the best he can do.
------
They drift apart. It’s completely unplanned, though for the best. They still see each other on occasion, and their interactions are detached, yet pleasant. Sometimes Kyungsoo catches Sehun watching him with this look in his eyes; something like pity. Kyungsoo never says it out loud, but getting over Jongin is the hardest thing he’s ever done.
Final exams come and go, and Kyungsoo finds out through Sehun that Jongin’s passed them all with flying colours. He offers a congratulatory text message, though predictably, it goes unanswered. Personal messaging is the kind of contact that Jongin’s been avoiding, though he’s assured that Jongin appreciated the sentiments.
Kyungsoo is becoming a better person, and for real this time. He still has his occasional one night stand, though he sticks around, makes them breakfast and parts with them amicably. No one comes to him expecting commitment, anyway. A few of them keep in contact, and like the people before them, they slowly but surely join Kyungsoo’s ever expanding group of friends. He feels good, wanted. Loneliness is an emotion slowly slipping into Kyungsoo’s distant memory.
He tries dating for a while, shocking everyone by announcing his new relationship with Baekhyun, of all people. It’s nice, comfortable. A different kind of comfort that Jongin once offered but it’s no less pleasant; Baekhyun is everything he’s ever wanted in a partner-friendship with a few more benefits, that added monogamy. He ignores the nagging in his head that points out that Baekhyun isn’t Jongin, he’ll never be Jongin. They’re different people, wonderful in their own way. Dating Baekhyun is a spur of the moment decision that Kyungsoo doesn’t regret, he’s learnt so much, comes to appreciate Baekhyun more through a relationship rather than friendship.
It’s good, but it fizzles out. Their affection lies elsewhere, two souls hopelessly enamoured with other people, taking solace from heartbreak in each other’s arms. Their breakup is mutual and without fuss, in fact most people don’t notice until weeks after it happens. They were better off as friends, anyway, and the whole experience has bettered Kyungsoo. He’s not who he used to be. Some part of him will always love Baekhyun in a way, though it’s not the same love he feels for Jongin. He knows Baekhyun feels the same.
Jongin dates too. Someone from one of his classes. They run in different friend circles, and the two never quite mix. But they’re a cute couple, Jongin and Taemin. It’s hardly the most pleasant of feelings, knowing that Jongin has moved on, but he’s smiling more, looks so much happier.
Kyungsoo is jealous, of course he is. Jealousy is natural, and he never lets it consume him. He’s supposed to be moving on, just as Jongin has. But he finds it so hard to let go, lying awake at night and wishing Jongin was there next to him.
He comes to term with it, slowly, painfully. Though melodramatic of him, Kyungsoo believes that he’ll never love someone as much as he loves Jongin. He wants him to be happy, and he’s never seen Jongin as happy as he is with Taemin.
Sometimes love doesn’t work out. And Kyungsoo would rather Jongin being happy in someone else's arms than miserable in his own.
------
I miss you.
Jongin’s text comes one month after Kyungsoo’s breakup, almost to the day. It’s completely unexpected and out of the blue. Jongin hasn’t answered any of Kyungsoo’s texts since the confession, and their already infrequent interactions have undergone yet another rapid decrease.
Kyungsoo should ignore Jongin, give him a taste of his own medicine. It’s what the old Kyungsoo would do, and he’s sure that Jongin isn’t expecting a response. But Kyungsoo is weaker than Jongin knows, desperate for any interaction, just a single conversation to tide him over until their next forced contact.
I miss you too.
Jongin organises a movie night, just like they used to. Apparently there’s another mature-content cartoon he hasn’t seen and is apparently missing out on, Jongin appalled by the fact that Kyungsoo isn’t even aware of its existence. He used to watch cartoons with Baekhyun, anime series he’s now ashamedly addicted to. It’s funny how different they are, Baekhyun and Jongin.
They don’t hug when Jongin enters Kyungsoo’s apartment, unchanged apart from the framed photograph of Baekhyun and Kyungsoo sitting on the counter. It’s a nice photo, and Kyungsoo doesn’t feel like taking it down, not just yet. Jongin stares at it for a moment too long but doesn’t comment. Come to think of it, he’s not even sure that Jongin knows about the break up.
The cartoon is as great as Jongin said. They sit on opposite sides of the couch, but he’s here, he’s with Kyungsoo and that’s all that matters. Taemin probably wouldn’t approve of cuddles, probably doesn’t approve of Jongin being with Kyungsoo at all, considering their history. But it’s enough, Kyungsoo tells himself. This is enough.
“Do you,” Jongin starts, awkward and unsure. It’s the wrong point in the series for conversation, but Jongin has had something to say all night, turning to Kyungsoo, pausing and looking away before the words reach his lips. “Do you still love me?”
Kyungsoo laughs, because it’s all he can do. It’s not a laugh of amusement, more pained. A violent exhale, an expression of shock.
“What kind of question is that?” He asks.
“A serious one,” Jongin says. He pauses the cartoon, regarding Kyungsoo curiously.
“What,” Kyungsoo swallows, the lump in his throat just doesn’t want to budge. “What’s the point in asking?”
Jongin has Taemin. He has Taemin and he’s not in love with Kyungsoo, not anymore. Kyungsoo’s metaphorical wounds are healing, but they’re still sore. Jongin’s words dig into Kyungsoo’s fragile emotions, threatening to tear them apart.
“Humour me.”
“Yes,” Kyungsoo can’t face Jongin as he speaks. He’s always been expressive, and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to see the disappointment and pity he’s sure to find. “I probably love you more, as cliche as it sounds.”
“That’s,” Jongin inhales, releases it slowly. “That’s not the answer I was expecting.”
“Then what did you expect?” Their conversation has no point, Kyungsoo thinks, apart from ruining their already unstable friendship. Jongin has always wanted to keep his distance, and his current line of questioning makes no sense.
“I don’t know,” he sighs, “for you to admit it was a joke? That you were in love with Baekhyun now?”
“It was never a joke. It’s still not a joke. And I’m not in love with Baekhyun.”
A pause, silence. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what else to say.
“Fuck,” Jongin is on his feet in an instant, pacing around Kyungsoo’s living room frantically. He eyes the door on occasion, desperately looking for a way out. “Fuck.”
“Are you okay?” Jongin looks broken. Kyungsoo is concerned, wants to hug Jongin, pet his hair and tell him that everything will be okay. Somehow, he thinks that course of action won’t go down too well.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Jongin cries, “you can’t do this to me, not again.”
“I’m not---”
“I’m with Taemin,” Jongin says seriously, still pacing.
“I know you are,” Kyungsoo replies, “Jongin, what--”
“I’m with Taemin but I--” Jongin scrambles for his things, throwing his laptop into his back, pulling his jacket from the arm of the sofa. “I should go.”
He practically runs from the apartment, leaving Kyungsoo on the couch, confused and alone.
------
Jongin has a habit of avoiding his problems, and Kyungsoo has known him long enough to recognise that Jongin currently sees him as one of them. They can’t be in the same room at the same time, Kyungsoo starts leaving as soon as Jongin walks in, just to save him the trouble of running away. It’s hell on his social life, but with text messages and the internet, he’s still able to keep in contact with people.
One thing Kyungsoo notices is the lack of Taemin in Jongin’s life. They sit separately, returning to their respective friend groups. Maybe Jongin missed his old friends, maybe they’re taking a break. Kyungsoo can’t stop Jongin for long enough to ask, and he’s not one to pry behind other people’s backs.
“They broke up,” Sehun tells him. They sit at their usual seat in the cafe, the one with the best view of the counter. Sehun doesn’t talk about his love life, much, but Kyungsoo assumes he’s well on his way to Facebook Official with Luhan. “Taemin and Jongin, I mean.”
“I figured,” Kyungsoo shrugs. He never wanted to hope, but here Sehun is, confirming his suspicions. It doesn’t mean that he has a chance, it just means that Taemin was never the right person for Jongin.
“What did you do?” Sehun replies. He’s uncharacteristically serious. “Jongin went to your house, came home and broke up with Taemin.” He takes a sip from his frappe. “Over the phone. It was like he couldn’t wait, so he just called him.”
“I...” Kyungsoo trails off, “I told him I still love him.”
“You’re an asshole,” Sehun’s words are harsh, but his tone lacks its typical bite.
“So I’ve been told,” Kyungsoo replies. He smiles, but only because he feels he has to.
“I’m going to be out all weekend,” Sehun casually informs him, “Jongin’s going to be home alone.”
“What do you know that I don’t?”
“Try one more time,” Sehun says, “you’re already heartbroken, what have you got to lose?”
“My dignity?” Kyungsoo laughs, “my best friend?”
“Your friendship with Jongin is safe,” he laughs, poking at Kyungsoo’s arm as it rests on the table. “But your dignity is long gone.”
“I hate you.”
“No you don’t.”
------
Kyungsoo doesn’t allow himself to hesitate, knocking on Jongin’s door as soon as he arrives. If he gives himself time to think, he’ll probably leave. But this needs to be done. Kyungsoo needs his answers.
“What-”
Jongin looks tired. He doesn’t look happy to see Kyungsoo, but he lets him in, anyway.
“I never asked,” Kyungsoo says, before he can lose his resolve.
“Kyungsoo, don’t,” Jongin urges. His voice is soft, strained. “Please.”
“Do you still love me?” Kyungsoo manages to get out. He’s always wanted to know, and now, hopefully, he’ll have his answer.
“You know I do,” Jongin rubs at his forehead in frustration. “You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t know.”
“I didn’t know,” Kyungsoo admits, “but I did hope.”
“Well, now you know.”
“What should I do with this information?” Kyungsoo expects a repeat of their previous conversation, but he hopes, oh he hopes---
“Forget about it.”
“Let’s go on a date,” it’s his last chance and Kyungsoo knows it. “Just one date. For closure.”
“Okay,” Jongin agrees easier than expected. Kyungsoo is a little shocked.
He expected Jongin to say no.
------
Their date is something full of nostalgia, reminiscent of when they first met, when Kyungsoo was still unsure of his feelings, of his friendship with Jongin. They don’t dress up, Jongin only changing out of his sweatpants because he’s worn them for too many days in a row. The food they eat is cheap, greasy and satisfying. Just general chain food, soggy fries and too-sweet milkshakes. It’s perfect.
Kyungsoo actually focuses on the movie they see, enjoys the plot and the calming presence of Jongin beside him. They hold hands, because it’s a date and they’re expected to. It feels natural to link his fingers with Jongin’s. Kyungsoo doesn’t want to let go.
It’s nice, casual, everything he’s ever wanted from a first date. With Baekhyun he splurged on a relatively fancy dinner, jeans foregone and replaced with clothes Kyungsoo hasn’t worn since. Everything feels so much more natural with Jongin, and it may be because Kyungsoo is actually in love with him, or because they’ve been doing things like this since they met.
The date is over too quickly. They don’t kiss at the door, because Kyungsoo doesn’t feel he’s allowed to. It’s over, and they’re back to being friends. Kyungsoo joins Jongin in his apartment because that’s what friends do, they hang out at each others houses.
Friends don’t push friends up against walls and lick into their mouths, but it’s exactly what Jongin does. Kyungsoo wraps his arms around Jongin’s shoulders, kisses back as prompted. Jongin is as desperate as Kyungsoo, his hands never still, running across Kyungsoo’s body like he can’t quite choose where to touch.
“We shouldn’t,” Kyungsoo says, pulling away just slightly.
“No,” Jongin replies, “but we’re going to, anyway.”
Kyungsoo gives in. It’s how dates end, he supposes. They’re just going through the motions.
Jongin is beautiful, perfect, everything he’s ever wanted. He wishes there was some way for him to record the moment- their final moment, before he loses Jongin forever.
------
It’s late when Kyungsoo wakes up, room too hot under thick blankets and midday sun. Jongin is still next to him, still sleeping. Kyungsoo supposes it’s his job to sneak out, shatter the illusion and send their relationship back to normality.
“Don’t,” Jongin’s voice is thick, lethargic. He reaches out, blindly grabbing at Kyungsoo as he tries to slip from the bed.
“I should go,” Kyungsoo presses. He can see his shirt by the end of Jongin’s bed, hopes his pants aren’t too far away.
“Or you could stay,” Jongin mumbles into his pillow. Kyungsoo barely hears half of it.
“Last night was-”
“It wasn’t a mistake,” Jongin groans as he sits up, blankets and bedsheets falling from his torso to pool at his hips. Kyungsoo can still see some of the marks he left on Jongin’s skin the night before and he wills himself to look away.
“We have our closure,” Kyungsoo sighs. There’s no reason to drag this out, to keep playing their game of cat and mouse. All he wants to do is leave, to try and forget. If it’s what Jongin wants, then he’ll do it. He’s serious this time.
“Go on a date with me,” Jongin replies. He looks Kyungsoo straight in the eye. “One more date.”
“Jongin---”
“I still don’t have my closure.”
He plays with the blankets, a soft smile on his face.
“I can do one more date,” Kyungsoo smiles. He’s starting to pick up on Jongin’s intentions, is starting to figure him out. They’ve had their outright confessions, they know they’re in love. But admitting feelings is far easier than acting on them, so Jongin hides behind the concept of one last time until he’s ready to take initiative, to stop crying closure and start admitting that there’s nothing to close.
“Let’s do something right now,” he says, “you, me and whatever TV show you want to watch.”
“I’d like that,” Kyungsoo replies. He presses a kiss to Jongin’s cheek, soft and affectionate.
They’re not quite dating, not quite friends, still hanging in that middle stage where labels don’t apply, but all the signs are pointing in the right direction. Jongin’s still scared, of course he is. But Kyungsoo has changed, and has the opportunity to prove it.
Kyungsoo’s walls crumble around him. He walks through the rubble of old insults, the remains of his crafted image crushed into dust beneath his feet. Jongin takes his hand, drags him out from the wreckage.
He looks happy.
Jongin’s happiness is all Kyungsoo wants, and finally, it’s Kyungsoo that causes it.