Everlasting #15: Second Chances
Title: Second Chances
Rating: R
Word Count: 9k
Warnings: A LOT of angst, mature-ish themes, small sex scene
Summary: Kyungsoo and Jongin are struggling through their marriage. The tension has become almost unbearable, to the point where kyungsoo questions if they're even in love anymore. Then an accident happens. Both survive...but one doesn't remember anything.
Author's Note: aaahh this is late >< but it’s finished! sorry for the long wait!! i just want to say that it could be slightly or a lot unrealistic bc i didn't do research (i probably should have done that ajdbfjfnr) but i hope it's good enough! thank you for your patience TT i hope you enjoy it ^o^
Tension is something Kyungsoo has become accustomed to, in the past year and a half. Between him and his husband, that is. Don't get him wrong, he loves Jongin - no, really, they have been together since high school and have loved each other this much to be married for ten years now. But for a while, everything seems as if the life they have is falling to pieces.
It may seem quite dumb for them to stay together, endure the tension, the fighting at times. But there is always a reason for that. Take their son, Namwoo, for example. No, scratch that, he is the reason for staying together. He is only thirteen, and had a rough first five years. His birth parents didn't take care of him and he was just left in front of the orphanage house, asleep, at the age of five. He was taken in by Kyungsoo and Jongin not much later, though, and it took him time to adjust and love them like real parents.
Kyungsoo specifically remembers Namwoo saying when he was nine: “I’m glad you're not like my old parents. You're nice and you love each other. You love me. I wish we would stay a family forever.”
You love each other.
Sometimes, Kyungsoo is not even sure what that means exactly. To love, and to be in love, are two different things.
“Namwoo, please put your feet down,” Kyungsoo says as he drives, having just picked the thirteen year old boy up from school. He has had a habit of putting his feet up, each time he sits in the front seat. Kyungsoo - being as OCD about cleanliness as he is - has to remind him not to, it makes his car dirty.
The boy whines and puts them down. “Papa lets me do it.”
“Of course he does,” Kyungsoo mutters under his breath, with a roll of his eyes. “This is my car, not Papa’s.”
“I know, you don't need to tell me for the millionth time,” Namwoo gazes out the window.
Kyungsoo decides not to comment on Namwoo’s snippy tone, not in the mood to scold him. He keeps his eyes on the road and his mouth shut.
“Technically, it's both of yours, right now.”
The truth makes Kyungsoo slightly on edge. Jongin’s car is in the shop because it broke down - again. His car is old and has been in the shop many, many times before. Its engine is weak, and it can't hold an oil change for as long as most cars. Kyungsoo tries not to let it bother him, but when it breaks down when money is tight, it pisses him off to a great extent. They've fought about it numerous times, it gets old and repetitive quickly each time.
Namwoo’s phone starts ringing. Kyungsoo draws to a stop at a light, and hears Namwoo scramble to answer.
“Hello?”
Kyungsoo can't make out the voice on the phone.
“Uh, yeah, you wanna talk to him?”
A muffled, please, comes from the phone. Namwoo holds his phone out to Kyungsoo, and the short male sighs. He takes it and puts it up to his ear.
“Yeah?”
“Why didn't you answer?” Ah, that would be his husband’s voice, though in such an irritated tone. Kyungsoo knows he is going to be talked down for not answering.
“You know I keep my phone on silent when I’m driving,” the light turns green. “I just picked Namwoo up from school.”
A small grunt comes from the other side. “Alright, fine,” he says. Kyungsoo imagines him rubbing his temples, as Jongin does when he’s irritated. “Can you pick me up, though?”
Kyungsoo makes a left turn. “Sure, I need to drop Namwoo off at home first.”
“That’s fine, I don't mind waiting too long. Just get here when you can.”
Kyungsoo hums in response. “Okay, I’ll see you soon, then.”
Jongin hangs up first. Kyungsoo removes the phone from his ear, handing it back over to Namwoo. He misses the sad look on his son’s face.
Kyungsoo is just about to call Jongin and let him know he is parked in front of the museum, but the younger man slides in quickly, hair and shirt a bit wet from the rain. He puts his phone back in his pocket, as Jongin buckles himself and releases a pant from running as quick as he could.
“Hi,” Jongin says a bit uncomfortably, head leaned back into the top of the seat.
“How was your new exhibition?” Kyungsoo decides to ask, beginning to drive back to their house again.
Jongin hums. “It went well, a lot of compliments and praise per usual.”
Kyungsoo nods once, his focus on the road and attempting to block the tense silence that comes upon them. But since the phone call earlier, he has been quite agitated, to the point where he didn't say much else to Namwoo after. That is saying a lot, he likes talking with his son about anything and everything, but once annoyed or pissed off, there's no way to get words out of him unless you want to be screamed at. When he dropped Namwoo off, he said tersely: “I should be back in twenty minutes.” The boy just nodded his head, and scurried into the house.
Now that he is here with Jongin, all he wants to do is yell at him.
I’m tired of this.
Only he does not realize he had said it aloud until Jongin says: “Tired of what?”
Shit. Shit shit shit.
He wishes immediately to take that back. He feels Jongin’s stare on him. His lip catches between his teeth in frustration. Suddenly, Kyungsoo cannot control himself.
“Your car, in the shop at least five times a year,” Kyungsoo hisses, and his grip on the wheel tightens.
Jongin huffs. “I’ve told you,” he starts with a very annoyed tone, looking out the window much like their son did a while ago. “I’m not getting a new car, it’s my dad’s and I promised I would take care of it as long as I could.”
Harshly, Kyungsoo comes to a traffic light on red. “Jongin, the shitty thing is old as fuck, and it's been in the shop so many times,” Kyungsoo really tries not to lash out. “And each time, we’re tight on money because of bill payments and other expenses, and you expect us to pay so much because of another break down?”
Jongin whips his head toward Kyungsoo, livid. “It's not ‘a shitty thing’, it's my dad’s fucking car and I promised him on his deathbed that I would take care of it! He loved that car, and I’m not letting it go.”
Kyungsoo’s foot pushes on the gas, harsher than when he stopped. “I only suggest and say these things so we don't go broke,” Kyungsoo feels like he is on fire, and his pulse against his ears. He begins to see red. “And so we have one less thing to fight about.”
“You act like our fighting is my fault.”
“Shut up.”
Kyungsoo thinks Jongin is trying to get him pissed off even further for a moment, when Jongin knows Kyungsoo has minor anger issues. He loses it. He doesn't know what he is yelling, why he is, he just… does. This is the last thing he wanted. He can't control his words or his emotions. All he sees is red and spits out horrible words that are probably hurting Jongin.
That's what he hates most, seeing Jongin hurt. Yet, he is doing it now and why can't he fucking control himself?
Stop talking, stop hurting him. Jongin, I love you, I really do, please don't listen to me.
His voice has become hoarse and tears have left his eyes. He hasn't paid any attention to the road. The car is speeding fast, and the next thing Kyungsoo knows, there's a crashing sound. Shattering glass.
Suddenly, there is nothing but darkness across his eyes.
It is painful to attempt to open his eyes. His head throbs, his body hurts, any movement aches. But they open anyway, and he is immediately hit with bright light. The room he's in is pristine white, minus the black sofa at one side of the room. Kyungsoo hears the incessant beeping next to him, the buzzing air. His throat and lips are dry. His ribs hurt, a lot, especially in his left side.
He finds he can only open his eyes halfway, but he looks about the room and outside the window on his right. The sky is gloomy, like it was that he remembers seeing it last. Rain fell down from it that day.
What happened? Kyungsoo can all but think. He tries really hard to remember what happened, how whatever happened, happened. But the more he does, the more his head hurts. So he stops trying.
The door opens. Slowly, Kyungsoo turns his head, lips parted and eyes half-lidded. A woman stands there, with a white lab coat, a pair of glasses, a clipboard at her side, and her hair done up in a neat bun.
“Ah, I wasn't expecting you to be awake already,” she says with a surprised smile. She is very pretty, seemingly tall(but she also wears heels). “I’m Doctor Han.” she walks closer to the bed, shoes clacking against the linoleum floor. Kyungsoo watches her, unable to speak for a moment. “I’ll to ask you a few questions, and I’d like you to answer honestly, okay?” she looks at the papers on the clipboard.
Kyungsoo nods in response to that. It's painful to do just that, and his face contorts.
“Your name?”
“Do Kyungsoo.” his voice comes out raspily.
“Age and date of birth?”
“Thirty-two, January 12.”
“Spouse’s name?”
Kyungsoo blinks. “Do Jongin, formerly Kim Jongin.” The largest wave of paranoia comes over Kyungsoo. Jongin. Where is he? Tell him I’m sorry, tell him I love him, and that he can hate me all he wants. I shouldn't have said those things.
“Children?”
“One son, age thirteen, Do Namwoo.”
“Occupation?”
“Part-time journalist and full-time novelist.”
Her lips purse, and her eyes scan the paper for a moment. Then she nods to herself. “Alright, it seems there aren't signs of memory loss, but I’ll have to ask you a couple more things to know for sure.”
Kyungsoo waits for her as the doctor sits in the chair next to the hospital bed, a friendly smile lingering on her lips. “You have recollection of days before the accident?”
“Yes.”
“What about the day of the accident?”
Kyungsoo tries hard to remember. But it hurts his head so bad, his face contorts in pain. However he can only remember yelling at Jongin, at the moment, the horrible things he said and wishing he hadn't. He sincerely hopes Jongin forgives him for those words-and if not, at least hit him a few times. Kyungsoo deserves it and he could cut his own tongue from his mouth because of those words.
Where is Jongin? Kyungsoo wonders to himself.
“Mr. Do?” Kyungsoo’s attention draws back to Doctor Han, who looks at him curiously. “Do you have memories of the day of the accident?”
“I-I remember it vaguely…”
The doctor hums, “That's perfectly normal, don't stress too much about it, hm?”
Kyungsoo just nods very slowly. Then he asks: “Uh, where-” he clears his throat, “where’s my husband? Is he okay?”
Then the smile falls off of the doctor’s lips. “He hasn't woken up yet.” she squeezes Kyungsoo’s hand, her eyes now sad but hopeful. “But I’ll be sure you're the first one to know if and when he does.”
If.
“I’ll leave you to rest, though. Don't want to strain yourself, now.”
The next day, Kyungsoo wakes up with an even more intense throbbing of his head, and more body aches. Nurses are tending to cuts and changing the bandages on his head. One of them smiles gently and requests him to relax until she's finished.
“You're lucky, you know,” says the same nurse. “An accident as bad as the one you were in, it's a miracle that you’re alive, let alone have no memory loss.”
Kyungsoo does not say anything. His head is too foggy and it hurts too much to think of words to say. The nurse mutters, you're finished, before disposing of the old bandages. She turns to him, a hopeful smile lining her lips. “Let’s hope your husband wakes up no worse than you.”
Kyungsoo hopes that so very sincerely.
Namwoo has been visiting Kyungsoo in the hospital everyday after school, for the past three weeks. The thirteen year old cried so hard in Kyungsoo’s arms on the first day Namwoo finally got to visit. It completely shattered Kyungsoo’s heart in pieces, and he would have killed himself then and there for being a horrible driver and father. Instead, he cradled his son in his arms and kissed Namwoo’s head. Kyungsoo promised to not worry Namwoo like that again, and that it wouldn't be him teaching Namwoo to drive(though honestly he isn't a horrible driver).
Apparently, Namwoo visits Jongin too, sometimes. Though he rarely brings forth news about his Papa, maybe out of consideration of Kyungsoo. Maybe because there's nothing to bring. Jongin has not awoken yet. That would be the largest possibility, at this point.
Fingers card through Namwoo’s hair as he sleeps soundly on the edge of Kyungsoo’s hospital bed. He was talking just a bit ago, things about school and his friends. Words began to slur and eyes blinked slowly. Then he was fast asleep with his arms under his head. As Kyungsoo keeps his gaze on the sleeping boy, pity and hurt for Namwoo washes over him. Namwoo has definitely been having a hard time with all this. He isn't the type to voice it or show it, but Kyungsoo knows that he is struggling right now. Struggling to stay strong for Kyungsoo and Jongin. It has not been an exactly short time that the accident happened either.
Kyungsoo was unconscious for four months, he found out shortly after he woke up a third time. He noticed it when he gazes outside, and saw that the summer sun had changed to orange and yellow leaves, and cool air. Namwoo has been staying with Jongin’s mom while he and Kyungsoo recover. Now it's been almost a month since waking up, and Jongin, however, still hasn't returned to consciousness. Kyungsoo has been getting better, though. The bandages that were on his head have come off completely. Walking is a struggle without holding onto something, but he is relearning everything he possibly can. Occasional headaches come and go, sometimes he falls asleep and doesn't realize it. It’s mostly because of the concussion and head injury, and Dr. Han stated that it should subside eventually.
A sigh exits Kyungsoo’s mouth. He leans his head back and groans as he feels the headache coming back again. Laying down would be good… but he does not necessarily want to wake Namwoo up. He smiles at Namwoo’s sleeping face though, moving fringe from his eyelids.
Then, a nurse comes rushing in. It is the same nurse that changed his bandages. Yongsun is her name, Kyungsoo remembers. Namwoo stirs a little, but Kyungsoo shushes him back to sleep.
She heaves heavy breaths and between them, she says, “Your husband,” Kyungsoo’s heart stops a moment. “He-he's awake.”
There's too many emotions that hit him all at once, it causes his head to pound once more. All he knows right now is that he has to see Jongin. He needs to get up and go to his husband’s room. How can he sit here and just take the news as they came?
He does not notice that Namwoo awoke anyway, and stared at the nurse in disbelief.
“Is-is my Papa really awake?”
A gentle smile graces the nurse’s lips. “Do you want to see him?”
Like father like son, both nod. Yongsun helps Kyungsoo out of the bed and into the wheelchair, with the aid of his thirteen year old son. Kyungsoo almost protests to walking, but right now, he can't form words. The only thought in his mind is his husband and the fact that Jongin’s alive. Carefully, Yongsun wheels Kyungsoo out of the room with Namwoo at her side.
The journey from one point to the next feels excruciatingly long. It could be because of the anxiety bubbled in Kyungsoo’s chest. Or maybe the walk is truly that long, despite that he and Jongin are married and should be close together.
They arrive. Kyungsoo’s heart beats fast. The sound of the monitor beeping fills the room, and it connects to a body lying covered with a white blanket on the bed. The male on the bed wears a neck brace and has a larger, bulkier oxygen mask than the usual one. Only his eyes move to glance over at the three that have just entered the room. Yongsun pushes Kyungsoo closer until they are at the edge.
Namwoo breaks into sobs on the other side of the bed. Jongin’s eyes find Namwoo. He looks like he wants to speak, but can't move or do the former. Then, Jongin gazes at Kyungsoo with furrowed eyebrows. Tears form in Kyungsoo’s eyes as well.
Sadly, Kyungsoo smiles. He grabs hold of Jongin’s hand as a tear falls, and kisses the top of his palm. “I’m so glad you're alive.” whispers Kyungsoo.
Jongin breathes in and out through the mask. He tries to move. It would seem he cannot. His eyes are tired, but they're curious and unknowing. They eventually fall on Yongsun. His eyebrows knit together again.
“He can't move or talk yet,” says Yongsun. “But it shouldn't take too long for him to start again. The accident was more severe on his body than yours so recovery will take longer.”
The male lying on the bed stares at Kyungsoo once more. He breathes deeply. Something in Jongin’s dark eyes screams alarm and confusion, and Kyungsoo doesn't understand it. Kyungsoo attempts to comfort him by running his fingers through Jongin’s hair, and kissing his hand once more. It coaxes Jongin back to sleep.
Namwoo approaches Kyungsoo and hugs him from the side, crying into Kyungsoo’s neck. Kyungsoo can't help but cry too.
The next time Kyungsoo sees Jongin is two days later. The clunky mask is off his face and he just has a thin, clear tube across the middle of his face, under his nose. His lips are a little cracked, and his skin is gaining its color back. He's fast asleep. Kyungsoo walked himself to Jongin’s room, with hold of the wheeled IV and his other hand to the wall. He also has Yongsun beside him to help if he stumbles.
Kyungsoo holds Jongin’s hand desperately, and kisses his knuckles tenderly. The beeping of the monitor resonates through the room, and Jongin breaths are steady.
Slowly, Jongin’s eyes crack open. They search around the room a moment, and eventually find Kyungsoo. That same look in Jongin’s eyes returns - curious, unknowing. It's strange. Jongin has never looked at Kyungsoo like that.
“How are you feeling?” Kyungsoo asks reluctantly.
Jongin’s lips part. Almost like he's trying to make a sound, but nothing will come.
“Don’t strain yourself,” Kyungsoo smiles a little, brushing the fringe from Jongin’s face. “Just relax, hm?”
Jongin blinks once. His mouth closes.
A saddened sigh emits from Kyungsoo. “I wish you had a voice right now,” he says rubbing Jongin’s cheek with his thumb. “I miss you talking to me.”
Yongsun arrives back from checking up on other patients, squeezing Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Doctor Han is coming soon. We might want to take you back.”
Kyungsoo shakes his head. “Just a little bit longer.”
The nurse in the room does not argue with Kyungsoo after. A couple of moments later, the footsteps of a woman enter the room. Doctor Han comes closer to the bed, looking over the papers on the clipboard once more. She is not wearing heels now, but a pair of comfortable sneakers and her hair is down in a long braid cascading her back.
Her eyes fall on Kyungsoo briefly. Yongsun says, “I’ll take him back-”
“No,” the doctor smiles pleasantly. “Let him stay, I’m sure he’d want to be here for his husband.”
When Kyungsoo looks back down at Jongin, he sees how the younger man’s eyes are widened and lips parted once more. Kyungsoo compresses his own in a tight line.
“Okay,” the doctor starts, “I didn't ask you questions when you first woke up because you were so drugged up, so here I am.” she says it in a friendly way. “Blink once for ‘yes,’ twice for ‘no,’ three times for ‘I don't know.’”
Jongin waits.
“Do you remember your name?”
Kyungsoo’s heart beats harder against his ribs. His hand squeezes Jongin’s.
Jongin blinks. Not once. Twice. Yongsun keeps a gentle squeeze on Kyungsoo’s shoulder.
Doctor Han frowns. “Do you remember your age then?”
Jongin blinks twice again. A pit falls in Kyungsoo’s stomach.
“Hmm…” she taps the pen to the clipboard. “What about him?” the doctor points to Kyungsoo, who anxiously holds Jongin’s hand a little tighter.
Please.
Two blinks.
As it turns out, Jongin has severe memory loss. No memories of his family, himself, or of Kyungsoo and their son. It has been a few days since Kyungsoo found out, and since then, he has not held up well. Namwoo also isn't taking it well. They've visited Jongin again once or twice, and his eyes would have that same glint of unknowingness. Namwoo has taken hold of his Papa’s hand and cried, clutching it tightly. Jongin would only stare. Kyungsoo tried everything in himself to not cry, but each time he visited Jongin, the tears spilled. Still, Jongin would stare and not respond(not that it can be helped).
After two weeks, Kyungsoo visits Jongin early in the day. He is getting better at walking again, being able to walk without a nurse or a doctor to support him, but he still needs to hold onto the wall or the IV pole sometimes. He doesn't mind necessarily, though it can be hassle to hold onto the IV and drag it with him.
Jongin is sleeping again. The position he is in hasn't changed much from the last time Kyungsoo saw him, besides that his arms are inside the blanket instead of out. He still wears the neck brace and the thin and clear wire on his face. Kyungsoo wonders if he has made any progress in the past weeks. Maybe he can speak now. Maybe he can move a little.
Maybe not.
Kyungsoo carefully pulls up a chair to the side of Jongin’s bed. The room still has those beeping noises from the monitor. Jongin breathes in and out slowly, but to Kyungsoo it's slow enough to make him worry endlessly. He finds the bumps on Jongin’s hand over the blanket, and squeezes with a gentle touch. He can't bring himself to cry. There's been too much of that.
Instead, he just begins talking. About meaningless things, significant things. Happy things, sorrowful things. He talks highly of Namwoo, and how he's been a good student and been strong through all of this. How strong Jongin is to be alive and trying to get better.
The next thing that comes to his mind is the day of the accident, and their fighting in the car. Kyungsoo doesn't remember clearly what he had said to Jongin or even why they were bickering anymore.
Before he knows it, tears fall down his face again. “I’m-I’m so sorry,” he says tremblingly. “I’m terrible, aren't I? I’ve been nothing but a bad husband to you and I’m so sorry, Jongin.” his hand slips away from Jongin’s covered one, and he clutches the cloth on the bed. “If you ever remember everything, all I hope is that you never remember what I said to you. Just the happy things, okay? You have to promise me.”
Jongin’s eyes quiver, then open slowly. He looks at Kyungsoo, with unknowingness yet familiarity. Kyungsoo goes to say something but the words are caught in his throat. His lips tighten and eyes cast down.
“I-” Jongin makes a sound, finally. Kyungsoo glances up with widened eyes. “I-I’m s-s-sor-sorry,” he sounds like he really struggles to say those words. His voice is raspy and all but a mere whisper.
Kyungsoo smiles sadly, reaching up to Jongin’s face. “It's not your fault,” he says as his hand meets the skin of Jongin’s cheek. His skin is warmer today, like it always used to be. “I just never thought something like this could happen to us.”
A faint smile paints Jongin’s features, and Kyungsoo’s heart hits against his chest. He didn't realize how much he actually missed that smile, sweet and beautiful.
Quietly and unrushed, Jongin says, “E-E-Everything will be f-fine.”
I really hope you're right.
Within the next month, Kyungsoo gets released from the hospital. He's walking completely on his own, and all that's left is a healing concussion and body. Honestly, he doesn't understand how his injuries weren't as severe as Jongin’s are. Medication still has to be taken to mend his headaches and occasional black outs, but it's not at least as terrible as Jongin’s. His husband has to stay longer and make progress like Kyungsoo has done.
Jongin is learning to speak again albeit slowly with a little bit more everyday. He stumbles on words at times, forgets a few, and currently, he uses a formal way of talking when with Kyungsoo. It can’t be helped, though, when Jongin barely even remembers his own name let alone being married to Kyungsoo. When he and Namwoo are in the same room, Kyungsoo sees how their son tries so hard not to break into tears as he tells Jongin about himself, all over again. Although, Jongin still talks and acts like a father to Namwoo, despite the lack of recollection. It is in his nature, to treat children that he doesn't even know like his own.
Kyungsoo sits in his home office, going through the posts and comments on his author blog. There are many fans worried for him, others distraught, few hopeful. It makes him smile bit, and he feels proud to have so many supporters. He starts a new post and then he types he does not know how long.
I apologize for my sudden absence and for worrying you all for some time now. Rest assured, I am okay. The accident was a shock to me, as well, and I am lucky that I pulled through and recovered as quickly as I did. I still have a concussion and blackouts sometimes, and even though I’ve relearned to walk without holding on to anything, I do have my stumbles.
My husband, however, is still in recovery. I will not go into detail on his injuries or anything else, since it is classified medical information, but his injuries are worse than mine were. I plan to visit him as much as I can, and be there for him through his recovery. My next book will be put on hold for publication in the meantime. I will still answer questions about anything here too.
Thank you so much for your kind comments and regards. It means a lot to me and my son.
Sincerely,
Do Kyungsoo.
He sits back in his chair, pulling one leg into himself and resting his foot on the chair. A lump is risen in his throat, and his eyes are burning. He is not quite sure why he’s like this now, he has not cried in a while. As soon as he posts the brief letter on his blog, he can’t help it. Tears just fall from his eyes, and he silently cries alone.
“Are you sure you want to go back so soon?” asks Junmyun, who would be Kyungsoo’s best friend and editor, as he drives the younger man to the hospital. “You and Jongin are in a really rocky patch…”
Kyungsoo shrugs. “He doesn’t know that yet,” he replies. “Honestly, I’d rather he not know at all.”
Kyungsoo feels Junmyun’s side glance for a moment, before his eyes turn back to the road. “I thought you weren’t sure about your marriage anymore.”
“I’m not at all sure. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him, hyung.” Junmyun makes a left turn after the traffic light turns green. “I need to be there for him more than ever, right now.”
Junmyun sighs. “Alright. I don’t want you to be unhappy, you know. I support whatever you do, just…”
Kyungsoo looks at him, smiling a little. “Please don’t worry about me too much, hyung. I’m going to be fine. I don’t know about me and Jongin, but I’ll be okay. I promise.”
They arrive in front of the hospital, and Kyungsoo unstraps himself. “Whatever you say,” Junmyun grins as he says that. “Now get out, I’m gonna be late for my meeting.”
That causes Kyungsoo to smile wider, before grabbing his satchel with his laptop and exiting the car. He ambles carefully to the hospital’s entrance, and greets some nurses and patients passing through. Once he finds Jongin’s room, he knocks. Normally he wouldn't, but if nurses are changing him or doing the daily check up, there's really no choice.
Yongsun’s voice comes from inside the room, calling out, come in. So, Kyungsoo opens the door, and his eyes widen at the sight. Jongin is sitting up, without the need of the support of the bed. It’s something amazing to see when he has not been able to move at all for the past two to three months, and be lying down only.
Yongsun looks over and a smile splits on her lips. “Ah, good to see you,” she says.
Kyungsoo nods in return, still completely stunned. He comes closer to Jongin’s bed, and the younger’s eyes move toward Kyungsoo.
“Hello,” Jongin smiles and joy wells up in Kyungsoo’s chest because of that smile. Yet, the formality hurts him still.
Kyungsoo finds Jongin’s hand on his lap, and squeezes it tenderly. “Did you sit up yourself?”
“Mostly, yeah,” Jongin gazes at their touching hands with a little bit of color in his cheeks.
“He’s making great progress,” Yongsun pats Jongin’s shoulder. “Just a little more training and movement everyday, he’ll improve smoothly.”
Kyungsoo cannot help but kiss Jongin’s cheek, which his husband flinches slightly at. “I’m proud of you, Jongin.”
Jongin smiles shyly. All those shy, surprised smiles and unknowing, mesmerized stares remind Kyungsoo of when they were in high school. Jongin was a reserved person, and when they became closer, he always had a knack for smiling bashfully and staring at Kyungsoo with mesmerizing eyes.
“Well,” Yongsun breaks the silence with a suggestive grin. “I’ll leave you two alone, I have other patients to take care of.”
She leaves swiftly, and Kyungsoo pulls his hand away from Jongin’s. He removes his satchel and sets it against the wall, before sitting next to Jongin’s bed.
“Besides you sitting up and making progress,” Kyungsoo starts, grabbing Jongin’s hand and sliding his fingers between his husband’s. “How are you feeling?”
It takes Kyungsoo completely aback when Jongin very slowly bends his fingers to the back of Kyungsoo's hand. Jongin’s hand is warm and soft, and seems so much more than he remembers.
Jongin’s smile stays. “I’m getting better, and I don't feel as tired as often as I used to. I really want to get out of this bed though, but I can barely even move and they rarely take me out of this room.”
Kyungsoo chuckles. “Don't worry, you’ll get out eventually. They're trying to do what's best for you.”
“I know, I’m just… so bored.” Jongin lets out a long sigh. Kyungsoo still smiles at that, knowing Jongin doesn't like being anywhere where he can't express himself. “What about you and Namwoo?”
“We’ve been better, I guess,” he laughs sadly, lightly. “We just miss you being around all the time.”
Jongin frowns. “I’m sorry.”
Kyungsoo shakes his head. “What have I told you about being sorry? There's no reason for it, sweetheart.” Kyungsoo’s heart halts for a split second. Shit, is it okay to call him that right now?
It doesn't faze Jongin though. “I know, but still. I wish I could be there or at least remember something.”
A hard pit drops in Kyungsoo’s stomach. His throat constricts a little. Yet another painful realization that Jongin still remembers nothing but the past three months. Kyungsoo bites his lips as an attempt to hold back more tears and hurt. He distracts himself by looking out the window. Sky is grey, and the trees are barren. Air is cold and bitter, with a gentle wind blowing. It is November now, and soon, winter will be upon them.
“Kyungsoo-ssi,” Jongin breaks Kyungsoo out of his trance. Kyungsoo looks at him, signaling that he's listening. “Could you…” Jongin’s eyes are unsure and nervous now. It almost reminds Kyungsoo when it was Jongin that took the initiative to ask Kyungsoo out.
Kyungsoo smiles warmly. “It’s okay,” he places his other hand atop of their joined ones.
Jongin takes a deep breath, and says quietly. “Could you tell me who I am? How do you perceive me?”
Every negative, painful thought in Kyungsoo’s heart and mind halts. Now all he can see is Jongin - he who took courage first in their teen years, loved unconditionally, and smiled and was goofy when others were down. He who always had hope, even in their falling marriage, Kyungsoo knows Jongin had hope before the accident. Jongin is a hopeful, caring, amazing person. To truly put into detailed words on how wonderful and beautiful Jongin is would be a difficult thing to accomplish(even if Kyungsoo is a writer). And for a few moments, Kyungsoo is not sure what to say, and/or how to say it. Simply, he stares at Jongin and Jongin stares back with anticipating eyes.
Then Kyungsoo’s tongue begins to formulate words.
“Someone who shines brightly and touches everyone in their path with their light,” Kyungsoo answers quietly. “You, Jongin, are one of the kindest, most caring and goofiest person I know. You're creative, an amazing painter, dancer, and you have a voice I’d listen to anytime.” Jongin’s eyes bore into Kyungsoo’s, and his face is tinged red. Kyungsoo smiles and rubs the younger’s hand. “Everything about you is unbelievably beautiful and stunning, even when you're completely clueless now. You have so much love in your heart, you just give it without expecting it back in return. But you receive so much from friends, family, me and Namwoo. I don't think you even know it yourself.” Jongin still stares at Kyungsoo, now with surprised, glossy eyes. A hand comes into contact with Jongin’s cheek, and Kyungsoo wishes he could turn Jongin’s head right now to face him for real, but Jongin still wears the neck brace. “I hope if and when you remember everything, you would know that.”
A single tear falls from Jongin’s cheek and touches Kyungsoo’s hand. Kyungsoo's lips tug up slightly, and he releases Jongin’s hand to dry both his eyes.
“Why are you crying?”
Jongin bites his lower lip. “I was just overwhelmed I guess…”
“I’ve done that before,” Kyungsoo laughs, allowing his hands to fall. Jongin takes the elder’s hand back and threads their fingers back to their previous position. “Sorry.”
“No, I was just thinking, too,” Kyungsoo watches the way Jongin’s full lips move and gathers that he swallows. “I may not know or remember it for sure, but someone - you - definitely loved me to say that much about me. It’s reassuring to know that.”
Another smile finds its way to Kyungsoo’s lips. “A lot of people did and still do. That's never going to change.”
Jongin’s mouth forms into a sweet smile. “Thank you.” For a few moments, Jongin’s eyes never leave Kyungsoo. It's almost as if there is a sense of longing in them, and maybe a hint of a memory. Kyungsoo cannot be for sure though.
Then: “Kyungsoo-ssi?”
“Hmm?”
Instead of truly saying what is on his mind, Jongin stops himself. It shows on Jongin’s face when his curious eyes changed to nervous. He smiles awkwardly, “Never mind, it’s nothing.”
Jongin gradually improved as the new year approached. His speaking is now at his very best, and he can move his arms freely and sit up without any support. The neck brace is still on his neck, but Doctor Han has said that it should come off around February.
He got to go home to his mother for Christmas, which Kyungsoo and Namwoo accompanied as well. He stayed in a wheelchair, smiled like he remembered his family, and it seemed there was not much trouble. However, when Kyungsoo was alone with Jongin on Christmas Eve, the younger broke in tears. He cried so much, Kyungsoo couldn’t even hold back himself. They lied in the same bed at Jongin’s mother’s home, and Jongin stayed in Kyungsoo’s embrace. Kyungsoo has always hated it when Jongin cried, and him crying that much because he still cannot remember who he is, who his family is, who he married, who his best friends are… It hurts Kyungsoo more than anything else in the world.
After they arrived back at the hospital and brought Jongin back to his room, Jongin said to Kyungsoo: “I will try everything to remember what I’ve forgotten. I promise you, Kyungsoo.” It was the first time in a long time that Jongin did not use formal speech on Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s chest swelled with so much joy and love, and he hugged Jongin warmly and tightly.
When he let go, Kyungsoo faced Jongin. “Remember what I told you?” he asked. “If you ever remember anything, I only want you to remember the happy things. Okay? Never, ever forget the happy things.”
Jongin then nodded, and before Kyungsoo left, Jongin snuck a kiss to his cheek.
Kyungsoo tries to visit everyday now. He’ll bring along his laptop and notebook to work on his next work, or his next article for the news company he works part time with. Endlessly he talks with Jongin, and his husband asks many questions - maybe about how Namwoo is doing, or about Kyungsoo’s book. Sometimes he queries about himself, albeit it does not happen all that often.
Today is the thirteenth of January, the day he and Jongin decided that they would always celebrate their birthdays on that particular day, since it is the day in between their individual ones. He has never gotten the moment or chance to tell Jongin that, which he should have done. But Kyungsoo thinks it’d be nicer to surprise him, and make him happy(not that he wouldn't be knowing him). Before he leaves his home, Kyungsoo goes into Jongin’s art studio in their house. The room has not been touched since the accident, and when Kyungsoo enters, he is astonished by the number of new sketches around.
Kyungsoo goes through each and every one of them, and waves of emotions run through him. Some symbolize anger through rough pencil lines and symbols. Others represent sorrow in dark shadows and rain droplets. They're beautifully done, but claw and grab at Kyungsoo’s chest as this was Jongin’s only way to express himself without angering anyone else. Jongin has always been that way, considerate of others before himself. It brings tears to Kyungsoo’s eyes, and he has to lean back against the wall a few moments to catch himself. Jongin was in this much pain before everything, and Kyungsoo was never considerate of that. Oh how could he have been so selfish?
Eventually Kyungsoo gathers himself, grabs a few of Jongin’s pencils and his favorite sketch pad, and leaves the house with a tug in his chest.
He parks his new car in the parking lot of the hospital, approximately fifteen minutes later. He is alone, since it is Thursday and Namwoo had to go to school today. Though Kyungsoo will be picking him up later and take him back home. Unless he wants to see his Papa, of course, then he would just go back to the hospital.
Kyungsoo ambles to Jongin’s room briskly, and once again, he knocks on the door. There are two more voices in the room, of whom Kyungsoo recognizes as Yongsun and Doctor Han.
“No need to rush, Jongin-ssi,” reassures Doctor Han. “It is your first time trying to stand in months. At your pace, hm?”
Eyes go wide as Kyungsoo listens to that. He does not bother anymore with the knocking, and instead, he enters the room abruptly and definitely not in a quiet manner. This time, Jongin is at the edge of the bed facing the door. He is holding onto the bar on the bed and the IV pole, Yongsun holding the pole in place so the wheels don't move. His long legs try to push off the bed, but he pants and struggles badly. Kyungsoo notices Jongin no longer has the clunky, hard neck brace anymore. Instead it is simpler, softer, and more for support than to fix the fracture. Even the oxygen is finally gone from his face.
Jongin looks up. He smiles tiredly. “Oh, you're here,” he breathes.
Kyungsoo instantly rushes to him, and holds his shoulders. “What are you doing, trying to stand up so soon?”
“He wanted to try, Kyungsoo-ssi,” the doctor answers for him. Kyungsoo glances up at Doctor Han, who has her hands on her hips. “I cannot limit a patient to what they want to try and don't want to try.”
Kyungsoo turns back to Jongin. The other male smiles and gives the gentlest nod to not hurt his neck too much. “It's okay, Kyungsoo. I’m okay.”
A relieved sigh emits from Kyungsoo's lips, and he brings Jongin in for a hug. “Don't scare me like that,” he strokes Jongin’s hair. “I’m glad you're trying though.”
Jongin pats Kyungsoo’s back. “Sorry.”
“Well,” Doctor Han clears her throat, and Yongsun releases the IV pole. Kyungsoo and Jongin separate from their tight embrace. “We should be going now, I’m sure you both have a special day.”
Jongin furrows his eyebrows at this as the doctor and nurse exit the room. He stares at Kyungsoo curiously. “Special day?”
“Mhm,” Kyungsoo grins, pressing a light kiss to Jongin’s forehead. “You know what today is?”
“Uh, January 13th?”
Kyungsoo laughs. “Yes, but there's more.”
“Like?”
Kyungsoo threads their fingers together. “The day in between yours and my birthday.” he says simply.
Jongin’s mouth makes an ‘O’ shape. “Really?” Kyungsoo nods. Pink rises in Jongin’s cheeks. “I-I didn't know our birthdays were so close…”
“Did I surprise you?” Kyungsoo chuckles.
“Yeah, a bit…” Jongin keeps his gaze on their joined hands with a blushing face and a shy smile. “It makes me really happy, though.”
The elder chortles again. “Good, because we’re going out.”
So, they do. Kyungsoo prepares Jongin, helps him into the wheelchair, and leaves with him, pushing the wheelchair around. He chooses to walk around town instead of drive, wanting more time with his husband and driving would decrease the time.
Kyungsoo takes him to a coffee shop, moreover what was once Jongin’s favorite though Jongin absolutely despises coffee. It is more for the hot chocolate and pastries than anything. But it is - was - one of Jongin’s favorite places to go and draw. In the summertime, he sat outside and sketched. And in the winter, he stayed in and studied people and drew them how he depicted them. They always turned out amazing, and Kyungsoo never failed to compliment him.
When they enter, there are only a few customers, some Kyungsoo recognizes as regulars, others he doesn't. Some are on their phones, others work on laptops or notebooks. Part-timers move quickly to complete orders, and give them to their rightful consumers. It has always been a cozy atmosphere with warm colored walls and floors, and winter decor.
He wheels the wheelchair to a table, and kneels to Jongin’s level. “Any requests or should I get what I know you’ll get?” Kyungsoo asks with a grin.
Jongin smiles back, still shyly. “Surprise me, please.”
The writer stands after squeezing Jongin’s hand. He walks to the counter, and puts an order in for a peppermint hot chocolate and a coffee. Within a few minutes, he has both of them and puts Jongin’s in front of the taller male. He sits himself in the chair across Jongin.
“Thank you,” Jongin says respectfully.
Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No need.”
For a while, they're silent, but it's so perfect and sweet, it's almost like they are both afraid to break it. There is the soft talking of others, and the typing away on laptops. The sounds from behind the counter to complete drinks. The ringing of the bell as people enter and leave. It’s just… nice. It has been a long time since they’ve been in such a silence where no one needed to speak. Kyungsoo has missed it dearly.
Soon enough, Jongin says knowingly. “You brought me here for a reason, didn't you?”
Even when Jongin is still getting to know Kyungsoo all over again, he can still read the elder like a book.
“I did,” Kyungsoo answers. “Are you curious?”
Jongin hums in response.
Reluctantly, Kyungsoo reaches for Jongin’s hand and places his own overtop of it. “This is your favorite coffee shop,” Kyungsoo explains. “I guess… I guess I was hoping it would strike a memory or a little bit of nostalgia, something…”
Jongin puts his other hand atop of Kyungsoo’s and his. He does not speak a word.
“Guess not, huh?” Kyungsoo says sadly. Another sigh. “It’s okay, though. I think it’s good to be here either way. I haven't been here in so long because it reminds me too much of you.” Kyungsoo’s voice begins to tremble. He moves his hand away from Jongin’s and reaches into his satchel. “I have something for you.”
Jongin looks with such curious eyes, until Kyungsoo whips out the sketch pad and pencil pouch. “These,” he pushes them toward Jongin, “are yours.”
His husband eyes them a moment, before looking back at Kyungsoo, stunned.
“I can’t give you much right now, but I want you to express yourself while you're cooped up in that damned hospital room with nothing to do but sleep. It’s boring isn't it?” Jongin nods wordlessly. “I can't always be there, but I also want you to talk to me like you used to. I miss it, I miss your voice talking to me and singing to me. I just… I miss you.” Jongin’s lips part. “Please, don't keep yourself locked up.”
Gently, Jongin nods his head. “Only if you tell me-” Jongin takes in a deep breath. And releases. “Tell me what we were like before that accident.”
Kyungsoo has just been waiting for Jongin to ask that dreaded question. Though he did not think it would be now. Kyungsoo wants to sob and scream and tell Jongin how sorry he is and how much he loves him. But he cannot bring himself to shed even one tear.
He makes firm eye contact with Jongin. “Complete and total honesty?”
“Please.”
Kyungsoo swallows, hard. “Our marriage was struggling, a lot,” Kyungsoo holds his cup with both of his hands. “I don't know why, or how we were struggling so much, but no matter what you or I did, we just couldn't fix it. And…” now, his eyes fill up with hot tears. “Before the accident, we were in the car and we started bickering over something that seems so measly. I-I said some things I sh-shouldn't have…” The tears fall fast. Kyungsoo doesn't look at Jongin. “Then the next thing I know, I’m in the hospital room.”
Jongin takes a shaky breath. “Why didn't you tell me that?”
“Because I love you, because I don't want us to be broken. I don't want to do that to our son, nor us.” Kyungsoo finally looks back up at Jongin, and sees how his eyes have become glossy. “I remembered the good and amazing things about you so fast, and I pushed away our struggle. I love you, Jongin. Too much, it hurts. Our years of marriage can't be thrown away like that.”
Jongin’s tears fall. He wipes them immediately, and visibly swallows. “What happens if I remember it all?”
“Then I’ll love you to the moon and back, and to the moon again. And I’ll ask you for forgiveness, and love all over again. I love you, and I will love you everyday until we die. I promise you, Nini.”
Another shaky breath is drawn in from Jongin. He does not wipe his face anymore, and allows the tears to leave. Just loud enough for Kyungsoo to hear, but oh so quietly Jongin says: “I love you, too.”
Real or it being said for the sake of it, Kyungsoo doesn't know or care. The very next moment, Kyungsoo shoots up from his chair, walks to Jongin, and aligns their lips. Jongin does not hesitate to kiss back, and Kyungsoo can't stop himself from smiling into it. Jongin’s lips are soft and sweet, and send tingles up and down Kyungsoo’s body.
It only last a few seconds, though. Kyungsoo pulls away first, hands to Jongin’s face and his forehead on Jongin’s. He shivers at Jongin’s longing stare.
“W-was that okay?” Kyungsoo asks.
Jongin hums, a coy grin about his lips. “More than okay.”
That night, Kyungsoo takes Namwoo to his parents’ house to stay the night. He asks if Jongin can come home with him, just for tonight. Doctor Han says it is fine and to bring him back by morning(she never fails to wink right after).
They lay in their bed, and Kyungsoo sneaks in a few pecks every so often that make Jongin giggle. What was once innocent pecks turns into more, with Kyungsoo over Jongin and their lips never separating. Kyungsoo hates that he forgot how intoxicating it was to kiss Jongin, and now, he doesn't know how to stop. Jongin definitely pays no mind to it, and allows Kyungsoo to kiss him more and more.
Slowly, consensually, Kyungsoo discards their clothing and plants gentle kisses all over Jongin’s body. Small whimpers and quiet moans leave Jongin’s lips as Kyungsoo does this.
It is not long after that Kyungsoo is buried inside Jongin, his thrusts languid and slow. His lips stay attached to Jongin’s chest and lips as his thrusts become a little harder, but not any faster. Jongin is a moaning mess under him with his arms latched around Kyungsoo’s neck, and legs around his waist(Kyungsoo helped him). Soon, Jongin comes with an elongated moan, white across his vision and on both their abdomens. Kyungsoo releases after, head buried in the younger’s shoulder.
Jongin falls asleep peacefully in Kyungsoo’s arms, with him nuzzled into Kyungsoo’s chest. Kyungsoo keeps a smile on his face and his chin on Jongin’s head. His fingers run up and down Jongin’s arm and shoulder.
He kisses the top of Jongin’s head, then stops his hand. Soon enough, he falls into a deep warm sleep.
Everything changes after that night. Jongin still doesn't remember much, but he means it every time when he tells Kyungsoo he loves him. As the months drag on, Jongin learns to walk again, and Kyungsoo comes everyday to help him. The supportive neck brace comes off and Jongin no longer needs the IV. Just physical therapy to walk.
Namwoo visits frequently still, ecstatic to see Jongin improve and see him and Kyungsoo love each other more than ever. Maybe Jongin does not have much memory of anything, but who they are now, that's what matters most. Jongin is still an amazing artist, and soon he will teach himself to dance again. It is a second nature to him, Kyungsoo can't imagine that Jongin won't be able to do it.
Around June is when Jongin is released from the hospital. It is Namwoo’s fourteenth birthday, the day Jongin gets released. They take him shopping, and to dinner at his favorite restaurant, along with two friends of his.
After Namwoo goes to bed that night, Kyungsoo finds Jongin in his art studio, staring in awe. They weren't home for long a few months ago, so Jongin didn't truly take in the sight of his own studio. It astonishes Kyungsoo that Jongin wouldn't remember this at all. There's so many sketches around, paintings on the walls, blank canvases.
He comes up behind Jongin, wrapping his arms around his middle. Jongin jumps slightly, and turns his head. Grins form both of their lips, and a brief kiss is shared before Kyungsoo says, “It’s amazing, huh?”
“Yeah,” Jongin breathes. “I really drew every one of them?”
Kyungsoo hums. “You did. And each one turned out as good as the last. You're a true artist, Jongin.”
Jongin smiles and looks down. “Thank you.”
A silence falls upon them for a couple of moments. Then Kyungsoo speaks up. “I never asked you.”
“Hmm?” Jongin sounds sleepy.
“Can we have a second chance?” Kyungsoo whispers. “At our relationship? Our marriage?”
Jongin turns around in Kyungsoo's hold, his arms around the writer’s neck. “I thought that was obvious. Whether I remember everything or not, we already have a second chance,” Jongin hugs Kyungsoo tightly. “I love you, Kyungsoo. I really do.”
Kyungsoo sighs contentedly. “I love you too, Jongin. So much.”
They fall asleep to the perfect rhythm of each other’s breaths. That night, Kyungsoo prays to any almighty power out there, that he and Jongin should never have to go through this anymore. And that any others going through a similar situation be blessed with second chances…
end