[C32] YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME (3/3)
Prompt Code: C32
Title: You Know You Love Me
As I’m sure you’ve read in the newspaper this morning, Kim Chinhwa has died in a car accident. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Kim-Byun family in this time of mourning.
Kyungsoo had decided to come over and express his condolences personally and provide any support that he could.
“How are you holding up?” he asked Baekhyun.
The apartment was decked out with a ridiculous amount of flowers and sympathy gift baskets.
“Alright, I guess. Mom, however…” he looked behind him where his mother was currently busy yelling at someone through the phone.
“Kyungsoo!”
Mrs. Byun came over to him after ending her conversation. “Oh, it’s so nice of you to stop by.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Kyungsoo said as he bowed to show his respect.
“Thank you, dear, I really appreciate it,” Mrs. Byun got distracted when room service walked past her, incredulous at the food they had brought. She followed as she began yelling again.
“She’s been like this all day,” Baekhyun sighed.
Kyungsoo looked around, a concerned expression on his face. Jongin hadn’t responded to any of his texts or calls and he couldn’t see him anywhere here either.
“He’s okay,” Baekhyun reassured him. “Or well, he’s alive, at least. We called the hotel, they said they keep sending food up.”
Kyungsoo nodded. It was a relief but he was still worried. “I just don’t think he should be alone in a time like this.”
“I know. But he doesn’t want to see anyone. Maybe he just needs some time,” Baekhyun contemplated.
-
“Jongin! Jongin!” Baekhyun stood at Jongin’s door at the hotel, knocking repeatedly. “Come on, we’re all worried about you, please open the door?” It had been a good 15 minutes of this and he was starting to get tired. “Are we going to have to stand here and wait until he gets hungry?” He asked Kyungsoo who had begun biting his nails again.
“No, we don’t,” he pulled his spare key out of his pocket.
He really didn’t want to do this, scared of what he’d find behind that door, but today was Chinhwa’s funeral and Jongin needed to attend to show his respect.
“Why do you have a key to his suite?”
Kyungsoo gave him a look.
“Wait, I don’t think I want to know,” Baekhyun said before Kyungsoo could answer.
Jongin sat by the bar, halfway draped over it with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He had managed to gotten himself dressed, even with his attire looking a thorough mess. He turned his head towards the other two, a look of complete apathy on his face, the skin of which looked unusually pale today.
“Come on.” Kyungsoo said, putting his hand on Jongin’s back.
He didn’t move.
“Jongin, I know this is hard for you but-”
“He wouldn’t want me there.” Jongin interrupted, pulling the bottle closer to his body.
“Of course he would, you’re his son.” It took Baekhyun a few tries to pry the whiskey from his hands.
The boys pulled Jongin out of his seat. Kyungsoo fixed his shirt and tie and combed through disarray on his head to make him look somewhat presentable. Still, Jongin didn’t look like himself with the stubble on his chin and the dark circles that resembled bruises rimming his eyes. It was difficult seeing him like this, but now was hardly the time for Kyungsoo to feel sorry for himself, not when he needed to be strong for the boy he loved.
“He hated me. All I ever did was disappoint him. He thought of me a disgrace.” The self-deprecating comments kept coming as Baekhyun and Kyungsoo struggled to drag a stumbling Jongin to the funeral.
Kyungsoo had kept a careful eye on Jongin as they laid his father to rest. He remained stoic throughout almost all of it, staring blankly into the distance as if he wasn’t even really there.
Kyungsoo’s first instinct when they arrived at the gathering after the service was to get Jongin some food to soak up the alcohol in his stomach.
Jongin looked around, watching people socialize, eat, drink, even laugh. How fucking weird was it anyway to have a celebration after someone had died? Did they even care? Did the color of their wardrobe and the picture of his father in the middle of the room somehow make it okay to create an illusion of mourning when they were actually chatting happily? How fucking twisted. He wasn’t going to have any of it.
Kyungsoo had just loaded a plate up with food when he saw Jongin step in the elevator. He set the plate aside and followed after him. The door had already closed when Kyungsoo got there. He tapped on the button impatiently as he waited, as if it would somehow speed up the process.
The door to Jongin’s limo was already open when Kyungsoo finally caught up to him.
“Don’t go,” he said.
“I’m not going back up there,” Jongin shook his head.
“Fine. Then let’s leave,” Kyungsoo put his hand on Jongin’s shoulder, a reassuring gesture. “Together,” he added.
“We’ve discussed this. We’re not a couple.” Jongin retorted as he shoved Kyungsoo’s hand away.
Kyungsoo was taken aback for a second. Didn’t Jongin get it? Didn’t he understand that after all they’ve been through he was still here? Didn’t he get that Kyungsoo wasn’t just going to give up on him, even if anyone else would?
“But we’re us,” he began, lifting his eyes off the ground. “Jongin and Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo and Jongin,” he took Jongin’s hand between both of his. “The worst thing you’ve ever done, the darkest thought you’ve ever had, I’ll be there with you, through all of it.”
Jongin shook his head. “Why would you do that?”
“Because,” There was only one possible way Kyungsoo could think of to put what he felt into words. And right now it didn’t matter if it meant winning or losing. It didn’t matter if he had to swallow his pride or if he was the first one to say it. All that mattered was that Jongin knew.
“I love you.”
Jongin gulped. He blinked repeatedly as he tried to comprehend the words as they rang in his ears. And for a second he allowed himself to feel it. For a second he allowed himself to believe that the words were true and that he was worthy of them. But the small part of him that wanted to fall into Kyungsoo’s arms and finally surrender to him and allow himself to be loved was quickly overcome by self-hatred and inadequacy. He didn’t deserve to be loved. He didn’t deserve anyone. And he especially didn’t deserve Kyungsoo. So once again, he would lie to himself and pretend that he was better off alone and that he didn’t need anyone.
“Well that’s too bad.” He pulled his hand away from Kyungsoo’s and got in the car, slamming the door.
Kyungsoo stood and watched him drive away. He felt numb. He felt so numb that he almost couldn’t feel the tears running down his cheeks.
Spotted: Do Kyungsoo shedding tears for Mr. Kim. Only question is: which one?
-
The sun had set and Kyungsoo headed upstairs to go to bed. He had rarely felt this tired and he was certain that if he would actually manage to get any sleep, his dreams would be haunted by nightmares.
He stopped halfway when he heard something strange. It almost sounded like… a sniffle?
Kyungsoo followed the sound. It seemed to be coming from the elevator.
Jongin was crouched in the corner, his face no longer stoic, but full of sorrow. He looked so helpless. So miserable. So broken.
“Jongin,” Kyungsoo said softly.
He looked up at him like a lost child, starving for affection, for comfort, for love, his sobs cutting through the silence, tugging at Kyungsoo’s heartstrings.
He sat down next to him, wrapping his arms around him tightly. Jongin leaned against his chest, closing his eyes, breathing in his scent. His hands held onto Kyungsoo’s arms, begging him to stay, to be there for him because he needed this, he needed him so desperately.
His hands were shaking when Kyungsoo helped him to his feet. He kept his arm around Jongin’s waist, supporting his unbalanced steps until they reached his bed.
Kyungsoo stayed awake, watching Jongin, holding him, soothing him, until he cried himself to sleep in his arms.
When he woke up the next morning, Jongin was gone. In his place there was a note. Kyungsoo rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he read it.
“You deserve better. I’m sorry.
- Jongin”
-
“Hello, earth to Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun waved his hand in front of Kyungsoo’s face.
“What?” Kyungsoo asked, confused as he snapped out of his daze.
“Look,” Baekhyun sighed. “I’m sure he’s fine. He’s disappeared before, hasn’t he? It’s what he does,” he tried to reassure him.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Kyungsoo said after a moment. He was in denial, acting like he didn’t care, but Baekhyun knew better.
Baekhyun walked over to Junmyeon on the other side of the schoolyard as Kyungsoo pretended to be absorbed in his textbook.
“Please tell me you’ve heard from Jongin.”
There was no response.
For the sake of Kyungsoo he had pretended he wasn’t worried, but Jongin’s absence was beginning to concern him too.
“You can’t tell me you don’t care. It’s been two weeks, if you don’t know where he is either, I honestly don’t see any other choice than filing a missing person report.”
Junmyeon pulled out his phone and showed Baekhyun the latest text message he received from Jongin. I’m fine. don’t come looking for me
Baekhyun was relieved. “Thank god.”
He took the phone from Junmyeon’s hand and took it over to where Kyungsoo was still fake studying.
“Look!” he exclaimed as he basically shoved the device in his face.
Kyungsoo collected his belongings as the bell rang. “I don’t care. Unlike him, I have a future to focus on.”
-
Kyungsoo wandered the New York streets, trying to clear his mind. He found himself in front of Victrola, the place it all started. He wondered where Jongin was right now. Maybe Bangkok, that’s where he went when his father had forgotten his birthday for the second time in a row last year. But he shouldn’t wonder. He shouldn’t care. Him and Jongin were never going to work out, it was something he knew in his mind, but his heart was a bit more stubborn.
His introspection was interrupted. A few feet in front of him, a bottle hit the ground. The glass shattered, the contents of it splashing everywhere and staining the pavement. Kyungsoo stared up in shock. On the roof of the building he saw a man trying to regain his balance, clearly impacted by the alcohol. He didn’t need to see his face to know who he was.
Kyungsoo ran up the stairway as fast as he possibly could and hoped desperately that Jongin wouldn’t do something stupid.
“Hello, lover,” Jongin rasped indifferently when he saw Kyungsoo at the door.
Kyungsoo took a few cautious steps towards him. He didn’t want to scare him or make him mad; the situation was bad enough as it was.
“Please get down from there before something bad happens,” he tried.
“Like what?”
“Like you falling.”
Kyungsoo stood before him. He stretched out his hand carefully, offering to help Jongin down. Jongin stared at it for a moment. The look of apathy on his face turned into something else, something bitter.
“And what would be so bad about that? Don’t you think I know what people say about me? That I’m an embarrassment, an abomination. I would be doing everyone a favor.”
Kyungsoo’s heart was racing in his chest, his hands feeling cold and tingly as he climbed up the ledge.
“What are you doing?” Jongin looked perplexed at Kyungsoo who now stood next to him.
Kyungsoo took a step closer to the edge and looked down. It was a long distance and even though he wasn’t afraid of heights, it was unsettling.
“Don’t,” Jongin pulled Kyungsoo back by his arm. He stared at him wide eyed, a frightened expression on his face.
“Why? Because I might fall?” Kyungsoo challenged. “How would it make you feel if I did? Imagine it,” he paused for a few seconds, his face going soft. “Please don’t make me feel that way,” his voice broke as he said the words.
He held out his hand once again and this time, Jongin took it. They climbed off the ledge, helping each other down. Kyungsoo was ready to leave, but Jongin stood still.
“I-I’m s-sorry,” he stuttered, tears falling from his eyes.
He got so absorbed in self-loathing at times that he forgot that someone cared about him. Other times he felt that it wasn’t even possible for anyone to care. But whenever Kyungsoo reminded him, he felt it all at once and it was almost overwhelming and he didn’t know how to handle it.
Kyungsoo pulled him in a tight embrace. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he cooed repeatedly.
-
Jongin finally seemed to be getting back to his regular self the following week. Still, Kyungsoo was surprised not to see him at school one day. He checked his phone.
Jongin: won’t be at school today. the board members of kim industries requested a meeting.
It couldn’t be easy for him to discuss the future of the company. He was only 18 and had inherited a huge amount of money and the majority share of a billion dollar business. On top of that he had to deal with the loss of his dad and every chance of the kind of father-son relationship he had hoped to have one day was gone.
Kyungsoo decided to stop by the hotel for moral support. He headed up to the conference room. He opened the door and stopped in his tracks. Jongin sat at the table, shirt hanging open, head thrown back as a girl kissed his neck while a boy was on his knees between his legs, hands currently working to undo Jongin’s pants. On the table stood a half empty bottle of liquor; pills, cigarettes and cigars scattered around it. Kyungsoo’s stomach dropped at the sight. He couldn’t stand another second of this.
Jongin hurried after him, his hand grasping for Kyungsoo’s arm.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
After what Kyungsoo had just witnessed, Jongin had the nerve to ask what he was doing here? Is that all he got? Not even an apology?
“I don’t know, trying to care about you? Trying to be there for you?” Kyungsoo exclaimed, unable to hold back his anger.
“Look, the drugs, the booze, the hookers, it was all like that when I got here. Someone must have set me up.”
Un-fucking-believable.
“Oh, and you just had to sit down and indulge in all of it?” Kyungsoo yelled.
“Why the fuck do you even care?” Jongin raised his voice to match Kyungsoo’s. “What are you, my wife?”
Not even his husband; his wife.
Kyungsoo felt a wave of rage surging through his body, his hands balling into fist. It took every ounce of composure he could possibly find within him to fight the impulse to punch Jongin in the face. Even if he had done it, the pain wouldn’t come close to the stabbing sensation he felt in his chest.
He shook his head. “How dare you?”
This was the last straw. He swore to himself Jongin wouldn’t get to see him cry again.
-
“Mr. Kyungsoo,” the maid knocked at his door. “Mr. Jongin is here.”
“Tell him I don’t want to see him.”
Kyungsoo had barely finished the sentence when Jongin stood in his room.
“Kyungsoo, I’m so sorry about earlier. What I did was awful and I never should have said that.”
“I can’t do this anymore. I tried so hard to be there for you and you just keep letting me down. You won’t let me help you and I can’t watch you like this any longer. I won’t let you destroy me the way you keep destroying yourself.”
Jongin gulped. “It won’t ever happen again, I swear. Please, Kyungsoo, I-”
For a split second Kyungsoo felt an inkling of hope. For just an instance it seemed like Jongin might finally say it.
He looked at the floor, lips still parted. “I’m sorry,” the words were barely above a whisper and disappointing as ever.
“Get out.”
Whatever they had, it was over. For good.
-
We all know BBH has been disappointing us all in the scandal department, but fear not. It seems DKS has been on a mission to make up for all of it. We hear he’s been knocking back drink after drink and breaking all the boys’ hearts. What might have caused the sudden change in character, you ask? Rumor has it he only applied to one college and didn’t get in. Lucky for us, there’s a Gala tonight, and the attendees are none other than the crème de la crème of New York’s society. Will Kyungsoo go for total social destruction? Stay tuned for updates.
“So he didn’t get into Yale?”
Jongin stood next to Baekhyun as they watched Kyungsoo randomly chime in on conversations, shamelessly interrupting them with rude comments disguised in a lighthearted demeanor.
“Nope,” Baekhyun confirmed. “He stole a pair of sunglasses this morning.”
“Since when does he wear sunglasses?”
“I have no idea.”
“We better stop this.”
“Good idea.”
“I think you’ve had enough, Kyungsoo,” one of the middle aged socialites told him, hiding her discomfort with an overbearing fake smile.
“Of you whoring yourself out to the press? Certainly,” Kyungsoo smiled sweetly.
“Excuse him,” Baekhyun and Jongin came up beside him to drag him away from the crowd.
“Oh, hey Minseok!” Kyungsoo grabbed onto the man’s arm, pulling him into the conversation. “You guys know Minseok, right?” He wrapped his arm around him.
“Unfortunately,” Jongin muttered.
Minseok was a few years older than them. He had given Jongin and Junmyeon their first joints and always invited them to parties, just to use them as scapegoats whenever the cops showed up if things got out of control. On the surface, Minseok appeared perfect to everyone, but Jongin knew he was trouble.
“Well, we had sex last night,” Kyungsoo announced, eyes fixed on Jongin,so he could watch his expression drop. “I need a refill,” he said, holding up his empty glass before turning around to find a waiter.
Jongin shot Minseok a glare.
“He really knows how to let loose in bed,” Minseok commented, staring after Kyungsoo.
Jongin rolled his eyes. He was going to put a stop to this.
He followed Kyungsoo to the bathroom.
“Are you finished yet?”
“Oh, I haven’t even started,” Kyungsoo smirked as he dried his hands. He headed for the door, but Jongin blocked his way.
“Acting out isn’t going to help you. You can’t run from what happened. Numbing the pain won’t make it go away, take it from someone who just went through a downward spiral.”
“And why would I listen to your advice?”
“Kyungsoo, please, just-” He was interrupted mid-sentence when Kyungsoo pushed him against the wall and sank his lips into Jongin’s.
“Let’s fuck right here, for everyone to see,” Kyungsoo breathed against Jongin’s lips. “I’m in the mood to be scandalous,” he purred, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth before he kissed him again.
In the past, Jongin would have loved Kyungsoo like this; wanton, uninhibited and unworried. But things had changed. Now, he wanted Kyungsoo with all his faults and vulnerabilities. He didn’t just want to be with him physically, he wanted to be there for him emotionally.
“No,” Jongin said, breaking the kiss. “This isn’t who you are.”
Kyungsoo’s expression became serious. “Who I am has never gotten me far. I’d rather be someone else, and leave the old me behind.”
“I like the old you,” Jongin confessed, tracing his fingers across the skin of Kyungsoo’s cheek.
“Like,” Kyungsoo repeated bitterly. He wrapped his hand around Jongin’s wrist, pulling his hand away and left him standing by himself as he exited the bathroom.
-
Kyungsoo sat alone on a plastic covered sofa in a dark, empty room of the house that was currently undergoing renovations.
Much to his disdain, he heard the door open behind him. Great.
“Hey, you.”
He was surprised when Junmyeon of all people sat down next to him.
“Don’t you hate me?”
“I didn’t realize how serious things were between you and Jongin.”
“Doesn’t matter now, it’s over,” he said, staring at his feet.
“I’m sorry about Yale,” Junmyeon said softly. “Why didn’t you apply to any other colleges?”
“Because I thought Yale was the only option. And I thought if I didn’t have anything to fall back on, it would make me work even harder. But then with all the things that happened,” Kyungsoo buried his face in his hands, unable to finish his sentence.
Junmyeon pat his back in an attempt to comfort him.
“When did everything get so fucked up? Not too long ago things were so perfect.”
“I think things were always pretty fucked up. It just took us some time and a few mistakes to realize it.”
Kyungsoo was hit by a wave of nostalgia when he turned to look at Junmyeon’s face and saw his warm smile.
“I miss you,” he began. “I miss us.”
Junmyeon took his hand.
“I miss you too.”
-
“Excuse me, have you seen Do Kyungsoo by any chance?” Jongin asked for what felt like the tenth time. Where the hell did he go?
The man he had asked pointed at a door at the end of the corridor. Jongin thanked him before following his directions.
It took his eyes a few seconds to adjust to the darkness of the room when he opened the door, and once they did, he immediately wished they hadn’t. Because not only did he find Kyungsoo, but he also found Junmyeon, and their lips had found each other’s.
Jongin closed the door and leaned against it. He thought about everything they had been through, about all the times he had lost Kyungsoo and all the times he had let him down and he realized that maybe Kyungsoo was better off in Junmyeon’s arms. Junmyeon might have made a mistake, but what was one faux pas compared to all of his own’s? Not only wasn’t he good enough for him, he wasn’t good for him in general. It was going to be the hardest thing he’d ever done, but he had to forget about his selfish ways. He had to let Kyungsoo go.
-
Kyungsoo didn’t have to wait for the maid to come up and tell him he had a visitor when he heard the piano downstairs being played. It was usually only occupied by professional pianists during their dinner parties, since no one in his family could actually play. Baekhyun would often play it when he came over, either out of boredom or while waiting for Kyungsoo. He usually played joyous or calm melodies, today however, the tune sounded distressed.
He stopped when he noticed Kyungsoo coming down the stairs. It had been a while since he worn such a worried expression.
“I need your help,” Baekhyun stated, tone stern. He pulled out his phone and showed it to Kyungsoo. “For the past few weeks I’ve been getting these messages,” he explained.
Kyungsoo took the phone from his shaking hand and read the conversation.
Unknown number: I know your secret.
Unknown number: wonder what your friends would think
Unknown number: ignoring me?
Unknown number: do you think I’m joking?
Baekhyun: who is this?
Unknown number: :)
Unknown number sent a video.
Kyungsoo pressed play. The video showed Baekhyun in a hotel room. He looked like a drunk mess with disheveled hair and tears streaming down his face as he confessed that he had just slept with Junmyeon and expressed his guilt and how awful he felt.
“Who took this?”
“Sehun,” Baekhyun answered quietly after a moment.
A new message appeared on the screen.
Unknown number: maybe I’ll send it to gossip girl
“That little shit,” Kyungsoo muttered.
“I haven’t seen him since that night. I have no idea where he’s been or where he is or why he’s even doing this,” Baekhyun shook his head and combed his fingers through his hair.
“Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out.”
“We should call Junmyeon and Jongin over.”
“Junmyeon’s already on his way here. We had plans.”
“I’ll text Jongin,” Baekhyun began to type and stopped mid-sentence. “Actually,” he took Kyungsoo’s phone from him, sent a message and gave it back.
Kyungsoo looked at what he had written.
I need you right now, come over stat
He glared at Baekhyun.
“What, isn’t that how you talk to each other? It’s the only way he’ll get here quick.”
bossy, I like it. I’ll be right there
Kyungsoo rolled his eyes when he read the response.
-
Jongin arrived within fifteen minutes; a new personal record for him. He paused when he saw Junmyeon sitting next to Kyungsoo on the sofa. This was rather unexpected.
“A threesome? I didn’t know you were this kinky,” he said, mainly to amuse himself.
Junmyeon responded with a sceptical look.
Jongin only spotted Baekhyun as he proceeded towards the other two. He opened his mouth to speak, but Kyungsoo interrupted him before he could make another inappropriate comment.
“Don’t,” he warned.
Baekhyun showed Jongin and Junmyeon what he had already shown Kyungsoo and explained the situation.
“Well, all of us already know you slept with Junmyeon, so what does he have on you really?” Jongin asked confused.
“There’s something else he knows,” Baekhyun admitted, tapping his fingers on his knee in a nervous manner. “I haven’t been honest about something. You’re all going to hate me.”
Kyungsoo squinted. “You slept with my boyfriend and I still don’t hate you.”
“Look, none of us are saints,” Jongin added when Baekhyun didn’t reply.
“And besides, we’re your friends. We won’t judge you,” Junmyeon reassured.
“I- I’m-,” Baekhyun took a deep breath and tried to relax his hunched shoulders. “I’m… straight.”
“What?” The other three asked in unison.
“That doesn’t even make sense,” Junmyeon claimed. He had sex with him after all.
Kyungsoo raised his eyebrows. “How can you have slept with as many guys as you have if you’re straight?”
“I haven’t. I just said that so that people would believe me. I only ever kissed boys before and it was never really a problem, I just never felt anything when I did it. And then that night… it got a little out of control and I thought if I didn’t go through with it, someone would find out. It was so stupid of me. I felt so awful after, not only because I hurt my best friend but because I realized that I couldn’t keep pretending anymore,” Baekhyun clarified.
For a moment it was silent as they processed the information.
Jongin broke the silence. “Or Junmyeon is just so bad in bed that he turned you straight.”
“Why is he here exactly?” Junmyeon asked, annoyed.
“For plotting purposes only,” Kyungsoo reassured him.
“Oh, that’s what I’m good for,” Jongin remarked in a sarcastic tone.
They exchanged one of their fake smiles which they both knew translated to ‘up yours, too’, before Baekhyun interrupted to resolve the tension.
“Guys, please.”
Kyungsoo smiled at him apologetically.
“Why have you never told us?”
“Because when we got to a certain age, you all just somehow turned out to be gay, and I wanted to fit in,” Baekhyun shrugged.
“I’m not gay,” Jongin commented casually.
Baekhyun looked at him. “Yeah, but you’re you.”
“Fair enough.”
“Being scared people are going to find out about your sexuality and treat you differently for it. Welcome to our world, Baekhyun,” Junmyeon pat his shoulder and sighed.
“So you guys aren’t mad at me?”
Kyungsoo smirked at Jongin and Junmyeon as he got an idea. When any of them felt down, Baekhyun could always cheer them up with his sense of humor, so now that he was the one needing a bit of cheer, perhaps they could try doing the same.
“You know, now that I think about it, you always gave off kind of a straight vibe,” Kyungsoo teased.
Jongin understood what he was trying to do right away and joined in. “Yeah, I mean, the way he walks and talks has straight written all over it.”
“Haha guys, very funny,” Baekhyun rolled his eyes, but there was a smile on his face.
“I knew he was straight, too. I have really good straightdar.”
The room suddenly fell silent and they all stared at Junmyeon.
“You know, like gaydar?” Junmyeon laughed at his own joke as the others averted their eyes to avoid the inevitable secondhand embarrassment.
They spent the rest of the night piecing together their information regarding Sehun’s whereabouts, discussing the last time they saw him or heard from him, the rumors they had heard and what they had read about him on Gossip Girl.
When it came to scheming, Jongin and Kyungsoo were without a doubt an unbeatable team, whereas Junmyeon and Baekhyun sat on the sidelines feeling pointless. Unable to contribute any further, eventually they decided to leave the other two to it and left.
-
Kyungsoo was woken up the next morning when the sun shone on his face. His laptop positioned on his legs was still showing the security tape footage that him and Jongin had gotten from the hotel sometime in the middle of the night.
Jongin’s head rested on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, his nose nudging against his neck, their arms tangled and hands loosely intertwined.
“Jongin!” Kyungsoo withdrew his arm and shrugged his shoulder in an attempt to wake him.
Jongin groaned. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Kyungsoo ignored the funny feeling in his chest and tried to focus on the matter at hand.
“We fell asleep.”
“Right. Where were we?” Jongin asked groggily.
“We established that Sehun left your suite around 1 a.m., then went to meet up with Baekhyun in his own room and left somewhere at 5 a.m. after Baekhyun had fallen asleep and seemingly he never returned.”
Jongin nodded, his mind still foggy with sleep.
Kyungsoo shut his laptop and shoved it to the side.
“This leads us nowhere. I don’t understand. There’s nothing on Gossip Girl either. It doesn’t make sense, he can’t just have disappeared without a trace,” he massaged his temples as he tried to wrap his head around the information, or lack thereof.
Jongin dialed a number on his phone. “I’m calling Yujun.”
“Who’s Yujun?”
“My P.I.”
Kyungsoo raised his eyebrows. “You have a private investigator?”
Jongin ceased to understand how this was news to Kyungsoo.
“I’m the richest 18 year old in New York, of course I have a private investigator.”
He hung up the phone after two minutes or so of sharing all the details they had acquired.
“He’ll call me back later when he’s found something,” he informed Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo nodded. “You should go,” he said quietly.
Jongin understood. He wanted to tell him again how sorry he felt about everything that had happened, but knowing himself, doing so was likely to yield the complete opposite result, so it was better to not say anything at all.
“I’ll call you as soon as I know more,” he told him instead, keeping his voice soft.
-
Kyungsoo was surprised to see Jongin at his door. He thought they had a mutual silent understanding that it would be better for them to not spend any more time together, so he hadn’t expected more than a phone call.
“Sehun’s at the Ostroff Center,” Jongin informed him, handing him Sehun’s patient file.
“That explains a lot,” Kyungsoo flipped through the folder, mentally already planning his next step. “I’ll take it from here,” he looked at Jongin. “Thank you for your help.”
“Anytime.”
“Jongin.”
He looked over his shoulder when he heard his name called.
“Why did you never tell me that you weren’t the one to send the Gossip Girl post to my mom?” Kyungsoo wanted to know.
Jongin shrugged. “You never asked.”
Kyungsoo suddenly felt bad. Jongin was so used to people only seeing the worst in him that it didn’t even surprise him anymore.
He tried to find something to say, perhaps an apology, but before he knew it, Jongin was already gone.
-
Sehun sat alone at a table in a deserted area of the cafeteria of the hospital, same as always. He didn’t understand why his parents had put him here. He hated this place. He didn’t belong here with all these medicated, emotional weirdos.
He picked up the sad excuse of a jello that they advertised as dessert with his spoon and watched it slide off when someone sat down opposite from him without asking. How rude. He lifted his head, an expression of disgust on his face. He froze when he realized who the other person was.
“How did you-”
“Know you were here? I have my ways,” Kyungsoo said.
He pulled out Sehun’s file and placed it on the table.
“Those are confidential,” Sehun protested.
“Not in our world.” He opened the file to the page that had Sehun’s diagnosis written on it. “So, your doctors think you have depression due to an inability to adjust to new surroundings.” He closed the folder. “You know what I think?” He folded his hands and leaned forward. “I think you’re upset because your parents took you away from all the wealth, the parties, and the excess so you could have a normal, peaceful life. But you don’t want that, do you? You miss the drama, the scandals, belonging to the inner circle. So you act out and pretend you’re some kind of badass, hoping people will put up with your bullshit and see you as a leader.”
“It’s my birthright. It’s not my fault my parents decided that this life just wasn’t for them and they had to drag me along to the middle of nowhere.”
“So what? You think you’ll earn yourself respect by outing me to my mom? By setting Jongin up with drugs and prostitutes? By blackmailing Baekhyun?”
“What? Like you and your friends are such honest, good people? You’re no better than me.” Sehun gave him a condescending look.
“We might have our flaws, but deep down we actually care about each other. But you, no one cares about you, do they?”
Minutes went by of neither of them saying anything. Kyungsoo just stared. He stared and stared until Sehun’s discomfort grew, until his illusion of a bitchy exterior cracked and he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. Because all of Kyungsoo’s assumptions were dead on.
“Do yourself a favor and work on being a better person while you have the privilege of being here,” Kyungsoo said. “I’ll do something out of character and let you down easy, but if you fuck with me or my friends again, I won’t be so nice,” he warned.
-
Graduation day felt surreal. Everything that had happened in the past year felt surreal. The fact that high school had officially ended and Kyungsoo didn’t have any plan for what was next felt surreal. He couldn’t enjoy himself during the graduation ceremony, nor at the gathering after. The sun was beginning to set and Kyungsoo sat on the steps outside, waiting for Junmyeon.
He joined him and intertwined their hands.
It didn’t feel right. It hadn’t felt right since they kissed after Kyungsoo had his meltdown a few weeks back. The numerous awkward silences they endured since then spoke volumes and became unignorable.
Junmyeon let go of Kyungsoo’s hand.
“Kyungsoo, what are we doing?”
Kyungsoo snorted. “I have no idea. Trying to relive the past? Trying to reignite a spark that was never really there to begin with?” He was glad that it wasn’t just him who felt out of place in this relationship.
“High school is over, and so are we, aren’t we?” Junmyeon sighed.
“Yeah.”
“You should be with Jongin. I don’t know all the things that happened with you two but when you’re together, there’s something between you. It’s undeniable. You look at each other in a way that we never could.”
“I’m not so sure. He can’t manage to tell me that he loves me, so maybe he just doesn’t.”
“You’ve had romantic relationships before, it’s different for him. I mean sure, he’s done his fair share of sleeping around, but that was all physical. I’ve never seen him have feelings or any sort of romantic interest for anyone aside from you, not even remotely. He might be scared and he might fuck up sometimes but I think he really cares about you. And if you give him another chance, he might prove himself worthy of it.”
Kyungsoo appreciated his words. Whoever Junmyeon ended up with in the future was a lucky guy.
“Do me a favor,” Kyungsoo began. “Find someone who makes you really fucking happy, okay?”
Junmyeon chuckled. “I’ll try my best.”
-
Jongin looked outside the window in his room when he saw Kyungsoo appear behind him in the reflection of the glass.
“Does your boyfriend know you’re here?”
“We broke up.”
Jongin turned around.
“Why?”
“Some people just don’t belong together.”
They walked towards each other with slow careful steps.
“What do you think about my suit?” Kyungsoo asked.
Jongin was confused by the random question. Regardless, he took a closer look and examined it.
“It’s interesting. It seems nice when you look at it from afar but once you get close and appreciate all the details, it becomes even more exquisite.”
He touched the lapel, the silk pocket square, the cuff buttons.
Kyungsoo slid off the jacket, letting it fall to the floor.
“How about now?”
Jongin stared at the jacket for a moment before his eyes slowly travelled up Kyungsoo’s body.
“Even better,” he said, the tone of his voice sensual.
“What about my tie?”
Jongin’s fingers moved smoothly across the length of the material. “I admire it.”
Kyungsoo undid the knot, pulled off the tie and dropped it to join his jacket.
“My shirt?” He began to undo the buttons of it as Jongin touched his shoulder and let his hand slide down his chest and stomach.
“I adore it,” he whispered, leaning close to his lips as Kyungsoo finished unbuttoning his shirt.
He didn’t allow their lips to touch, not yet, and instead took Jongin’s hands to guide them underneath his shirt, his fingertips grazing the smooth skin at Kyungsoo’s side.
“How do you feel about me?”
Jongin blinked and stilled his movements. He realized that Kyungsoo wasn't flirting, and this wasn't foreplay.
He looked into his eyes, lips parted, words stuck in his throat again.
"It’s okay if you can’t say it, I understand,” Kyungsoo said after a moment.
Jongin’s eyes grew soft as Kyungsoo placed his hands on either side of his face before he continued to speak.
“You make me feel things that I never thought I could feel; a kind of passion that should only exist in movies and other fictional works. But this is real, and that makes it so much scarier. I love you, Kim Jongin. I don't want the fact that it's too hard for you to say out loud to get in the way of us being together anymore.” A bittersweet smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “I can wait."
Jongin’s heart sped up in his chest. He couldn’t comprehend that Kyungsoo’s feelings matched his own. He wanted so badly to show him, to tell him that he felt it too. His desire to be with him only grew stronger, but as far as he was concerned, Kyungsoo was better off without him. It was something he had to remind himself of time and time again, to not be selfish, to let him go, to let him be happy. Yet after all this time, after everything that happened, they kept gravitating back to each other as if there was a magnetic pull they couldn’t control. And Jongin could only think of one way to put an end to this.
He closed his eyes and one last time he would summon his facade, the one that scared everyone away, everyone except Kyungsoo. Until now, at least.
"I don't love you. I never have.”
He withdrew Kyungsoo’s hands from his face, his expression dark and cold as he continued.
“This was never more than a game to me, and I'm not having fun anymore. So I suggest you let go of your fantasies.”
Kyungsoo let it all happen. The pain, the frustration, the anger, the despair; he let it all crash down on him because he had grown too tired, too weak to put up a fight. Everything inside him was screaming, yet on the outside he seemed calm.
Jongin picked up his jacket and his tie. Kyungsoo took them without a word and without giving him another look, he left.
Jongin’s legs gave in and he sunk down on his bed. His hands were shaking, his body felt ice cold. He felt as if the life was fading from him as his world fell apart. He wanted to run after Kyungsoo, to pull him back into his arms and tell him how much he cared and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. But he couldn’t.
"Why the hell did you just do that?" Baekhyun asked, standing at the door.
Jongin began to sob.
"Because I love him. He deserves to be happy. I'll only fuck it up and let him down and break his heart."
"You just broke both of your hearts."
"But he'll get through this. He's strong, much stronger than me. It might take some time, but he'll get over it and he'll find someone else, someone better."
He began to wipe his tears as he reminded himself of the reason he had done this.
"And what about you?"
"What about me? This is what I deserve."
It made Baekhyun angry.
"Don't this to him. Don't do this to yourself. If you love him, then fight for him. For once in your life, don't just be a coward and give up because you think you're not worth it."
Jongin didn’t expect him to understand. It was too late anyway.
He hugged his legs to his chest and let himself be consumed the pain. Because there was no amount of alcohol and no drug in the world that could make this go away.
-
Two weeks had gone by since Kyungsoo got his heart broken. It didn’t hurt any less, but he decided it was time to set his sight on the future and redefine his priorities. He had stopped visiting Gossip Girl, because he didn’t care what Jongin did, or where he was. Or rather he couldn’t let himself care. He was on his way home after saying goodbye to Baekhyun who was heading to Spain for the summer. Junmyeon had already left for The Hamptons with his new boyfriend Jongdae, who he had been inseparable with since he met him at a charity event.
Jongin leaned against the wall outside Kyungsoo’s building. Kyungsoo stopped abruptly when he spotted him. He wondered if he could pretend he never saw him and just run the other way. Then again, Jongin was already walking towards him and it wasn’t like he could avoid him forever.
Once upon a time, there were two star-crossed lovers. We thought their story had ended in a tragedy, but it appears as though we’re about to get another chapter.
"I have a confession to make. What I said the last time we spoke wasn’t entirely true. It wasn’t true at all, actually. I thought it was the right thing to do- letting you go, so you could get over me and be happy with someone else. But since then I can't help but feel like I made a terrible mistake,” he took Kyungsoo’s hand as he stepped closer. “You’ve seen all my demons and you still didn’t run.”
“Not for lack of trying.”
Jongin could have sworn he saw a hint of grin on Kyungsoo’s lips for a split second.
“I know it's selfish but I don't want you to be happy with someone better,” Jongin paused. “I want to be someone better, so you can be happy with me."
Kyungsoo nodded. "Is there anything else you want to say?" He asked nonchalantly.
"Yes,” Jongin took a deep breath and smiled. “I love you," he said confidently.
He pulled him close and kissed him. And then he kissed him again. And again.
Kyungsoo tried to suppress the ridiculously huge smile on his face when they finally had to pause for air. "Say it again.”
"I love you, Do Kyungsoo,” Jongin gave him another kiss. “I love you,” and another. “I love you so much."
"I love you too…. but you already knew that"
"I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing it"
Looks like these two finally got their happy ending. We've always known they loved each other. And you know you love me
XOXO
Gossip Girl