[H61] SET ME FREE
Prompt Code: H61
Title: Set Me Free
Rating: PG-15
Side pairings (if any): mentioned Chanyeol/Baekhyun
Warnings: hate, wishes of death, roller coaster of emotions, vague lines between flashbacks and present
Word Count: ~5,800
Summary: When Kyungsoo leaves Jongin, it’s only hell that it brings. Didn’t they say that time flies? But why does it have broken wings?
AU: Based on Eyes, Nose, Lips by Tablo X Taeyang
AN: ENL by Tablo is one of the most beautifully written songs out there, I could only hope I did it justice. Thank you so much to my lovely beta N, and to the wonderful mods. To the mod who had helped me with this work, I wouldn’t have the courage to send this if it weren’t for you. To the kaisoo community, I hope you like this!
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Jongin puts the small stick between his lips. For a moment, he fumbles for the lighter on the sides of his jacket and on the front of his pants. He finds it in the back pocket, on the left side. He ignores the little habit and the reason behind its placement and continues to light his cigarette.
“Jongin.” The stick is instantly pulled from his lips before the small flame touches it. The small stick lies on the pavement and is crushed the next moment. “I thought I already told you to stop smoking.”
He did. And Jongin has stopped smoking.
The vice started just after he got into college. Something he picked from peer pressure but mostly curiosity. By the time he was on his third year, Kyungsoo came along and the small guy had issues with Jongin’s vice. It was difficult at first but he was able to do it for the moments that he did not need to excuse himself and tear himself away from Kyungsoo to smoke.
But Kyungsoo isn’t here anymore.
Jongin is almost sure that he’ll welcome the admonishing but it didn’t come.
Because Kyungsoo isn’t here anymore.
Opening his locks is almost a work in itself due to the incessant shaking of his hands and rattling of his keys. It doesn’t get easier when he opens his apartment’s door. The path is a mess of his clothes, his blueprints, his snacks. This mess is his mess.
He side-steps a shirt that was haphazardly thrown sometime yesterday but he can’t do the same with the Doritos and accidentally ends up kicking it. The half finished pack scatters its contents. Well, that’s another mess that is his.
He manages to hang his coat, but the keys are thrown somewhere on the couch, and he makes another trail of clothes towards the bed until he’s only left in his boxers. He flops himself on the bed, face first, arms and legs spread.
Can he handle another day like this? But he has survived this day. And he will survive the upcoming days just like this. Barely.
He’s about to succumb to sleep. His heavy muscles and tired eyes continue to drag him down but the chill of the night keeps a part of him awake. It is with great effort that he drags himself up on the bed, struggles with the duvet, and covers himself.
Jongin thinks, that after their time apart and Kyungsoo’s total absence in his life, he’s already accepted their fate. Kyungsoo is never coming back to him. But it was an unending loop.
Oh how he wish it was warmer. He gathers the other pillow beside him into his arms. He inhales and catches the lingering scent and how he wishes that…
Sleep takes him before the thought is finished. It matters not for it will continue through his dreams.
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“Architect Kim, this just won’t cut it.” Their department head lays the rolled blueprint on his table. “Look, Jongin, as a friend, I understand what you’re going through. But as the head of this department, as an employee of this company, I just can’t accept this design.”
But Chanyeol doesn’t understand. He wasn’t left by the love of his life and hasn’t got his heart broken, beaten, and dragged. Chanyeol comes back to Baekhyun, where it’s warm and he’s welcomed. But Jongin has no warmth left in him.
“I understand, Team Leader.” It was an automatic answer but at least he answered.
Chanyeol is hesitant to let him go. He wants to talk to Jongin. But they have done that, countless of times, over lunch, dinner, with chicken, with beer, and the outcome is still the same paralyzed Jongin.
“Do you?” Chanyeol points the adjustments that are needed to be done. The structure and the materials that are needed to be changed. All the while he looks at his friend and though Jongin nods, his movements are robotic. He reacts as if he is programmed to answer to an ‘okay?’ and ‘understood?’. When Chanyeol finished his instructions he says, “Jongin, please stop doing this to yourself.”
“But I didn’t do this, Chanyeol. Kyungsoo did.”
The second process of the loop was anger.
There’s no warmth left in Jongin, but the anger in him keeps burning. It’s what keeps him waking every morning, what keeps him breathing the cold winter air.
He hates Kyungsoo for how he’s stuck with their memories. How Jongin can’t concentrate on the right angle of the curves of the building’s parking space because it reminds him of how Kyungsoo never learned how to park properly. How Jongin can’t properly sleep because of the fading scent in the pillow next to his. How Jongin can’t wake to a good morning because he’s reminded of how Kyungsoo isn’t his anymore, Kyungsoo isn’t coming back to their home anymore.
He hates Kyungsoo because he has loved him with everything that he has.
Jongin enters the convenience store and goes straight to the instant noodles, picks the spicy chicken flavored one, and pays at the counter. He prepares his meal and takes a seat by the window to eat his dinner. The cashier isn’t there to block the television where the news is clearly showing.
A plane has crashed.
“I wish Kyungsoo was there.” He mumbles to no one but himself.
“Who’s Kyungsoo?” A sudden question was asked and when he looks up beside him, the cashier is holding a mop, pretending he’s cleaning.
“My ex.” He replies in disdain. He opens the lid of his cup and carelessly stirs the contents.
“And you want him to be on that flight because?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I want him dead.” He takes note of the overly tall employee, Sehun.
“No, I don’t think you want that.”
“I just said that I do want him dead.”
“If you really wanted him dead, you wouldn’t wish him to be on that flight. There were no casualties. No one died.”
Jongin looks at Sehun, sending him wishes of death as well through his eyes. He finishes his dinner with a hard gulp of the red tasteless broth. He lights his cigarette after walking out from the store and finishes it just before he reaches the apartment.
“Kim Jongin! You’re home!”
Jongin stops from locking his door, there’s frustration starting to build up inside of him. The lack of means to let it out makes him bang his head on his door, not too much but just enough to shake the dream away. But physical means wouldn’t help when his mind and heart are working together against him.
“Come greet your absentee boyfriend properly, Jongin. I’ve waited for you for so long.” The little guy was kneeling on their couch, facing him with arms open wide that sings of welcome. He ignores the gesture and openly stares at Kyungsoo’s smiling lips.
Those damned lips that always felt like gravity pulling him closer and closer. But Jongin is a rocketship, gaining momentum and firing away, fighting against gravity. Soon enough he’ll be out of Kyungsoo’s gravity and he’ll be free.
“Set me free, Kyungsoo.” He whispers in the empty room. The image that he once comes home to blurs and finally fades.
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“Jongin!” Kyungsoo’s voice rings through Jongin’s earphones, instantly igniting his burned out energy. Their scheduled Skype call is something that Jongin looks forward to. He didn’t care if Kyungsoo’s image is a little blurry at times, he loved seeing his boyfriend in any way that he can. “Guess what?”
“What?” He sees from the tiny screen that Kyungsoo is packing again.
“Uh, hello? Didn’t you hear me when I said guess?”
“No clues?” Jongin asks. But he knows that Kyungsoo’s about to say it anyways, not wanting to prolong their guessing game.
“They’re finally moving me to international flights!” Kyungsoo says, finally looking up from his packing. “Didn’t you hear me, Kim Jongin? I’ll finally go to different countries this time!”
Jongin supposes this news was expected, hoped for even. He’s just a little surprised that it came fast. But his boyfriend is exceptional and dedicated to his work, making him suitable for the promotion.
“I told you right? Congratulations, Kyungsoo!” He hopes that Kyungsoo wouldn’t note the lesser excitement in his voice. He’s proud of Kyungsoo but he couldn’t brush the thoughts of lesser time spent together. They had a lot of moments together, lived together since Jongin was in his fourth year and Kyungsoo had just started working as a flight steward.
They’ve built their dreams together and Kyungsoo’s slowly on his way to it while Jongin is just starting. He knew it would be selfish for him to ask Kyungsoo to take a pause or stall the process.
“I’ll be back in two days, so let’s celebrate, okay?” Kyungsoo returns to his packing after flailing around. He can be a bit childish sometimes and Jongin loves it. “Did you tell your boss yet?”
“Tell him what?”
“Weren’t you about to resign?”
“Oh, about that..” Jongin takes a pause, willing Kyungsoo to take one too and focus on their conversation. “I’m not resigning.”
“Why? I thought Mr. Jung already endorsed you so you’ll have a better place there?”
“He did. But...”
“But when Mr. Jung retires, it’s Chanyeol that he’s going to promote, not you. If you want your own firm in 7, 10 years time, now is the right time to build on your experience. You can’t do that if you’ll stay under the Jung Architectures. I thought we’ve talked about this, Jongin?”
Jongin sighs, “We did but I’ve thought more about it. If I change jobs now and we move to a new apartment, it will be farther to the airport. You’ll be taking longer hours of coming home and going back to the airport.”
“I know that, Jongin, and it’s fine with me.”
“But you barely sleep, Soo. I want you to come home to me alive, not zombified.”
“That’s not enough of an excuse to stay in a place you’re clearly not growing in anymore.” Kyungsoo plops on his hotel bed.
Jongin almost touches the screen just so he can caress Kyungsoo. His voice is soft when he answers. “It’s not an excuse Kyungsoo. It’s for you.”
“But I didn’t ask for it, Jongin.”
“You didn’t have to, I wanted to give without you asking.”
“You’re being unfair.”
Jongin sighs, “How is thinking about you being unfair?”
“You weren’t supposed to give up on your dreams for me.”
“I’m not giving up on them, Kyungsoo. I’m just taking alternatives. Okay?”
“I still want you to resign. You’ve learned there, but Mr. Jung wouldn’t have endorsed you if he didn’t think you’d be better at the other company.” Kyungsoo’s voice is firm but Jongin can see telltale signs of sleepiness in his boyfriend’s face.
“Let’s discuss this when you come home. Sleep now and come home to me soon.”
Kyungsoo closes his eyes. Jongin almost believes that his boyfriend has slept on their call but Kyungsoo answers with his head pressed on the mattress and his lips slightly muffled, “M’kay. I miss you. I love you, Jongin.”
“I miss you and I love you too, hyung. Kiss me?”
Kyungsoo’s image tilts and comes closer to his face. And Jongin smiles despite the mess of the image and the moment it stills. Kyungsoo must’ve accidentally pressed the end call button because the image stills on his nose. Jongin asked for a kiss and instead is rewarded with a very cute bop of Kyungsoo’s nose.
He’s not complaining.
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Chanyeol might be Jongin’s best friend of seven years, his boss of a year, but he’d still kick his ass in a fist fight anywhere and anytime. He wish he could do that now but it’s a bad idea to knock the one treating you to a free dinner dead.
“Are you firing me?”
“I’m not firing you, Jongin. I’m offering you a better job. Mr. Jung’s recommendation is long overdue and I want you to take it. I’m re-opening that endorsement.”
Jongin doesn’t look amused nor interested.
“Come on Jongin. We both know you need this. I’m helping you as a friend and as a boss.” When Jongin did not answer, Chanyeol continues. “What’s stopping you, Jongin? He’s not here anymore.”
Jongin slams his chopsticks on the table, startling Chanyeol. “You didn’t have to remind me.”
“Well you might’ve needed a reminder.”
“The pain doesn’t make me forget, Chanyeol.”
“It’s been almost three months, Jongin. Haven’t you tortured yourself enough?”
Jongin chews slowly. Depression, second to the hardest part of the loop, is unavoidable. They say that in order to get out of the loop, you must go through each step. Jongin has been through the loop more times than anyone would have ever wanted, and depression is clearly the longest part of that loop.
Just the mention of Kyungsoo’s absence in his life clogs his throat and he can’t swallow. He takes a glass and sips the stale water.
“Have you ever thought...of living a life without Baekhyun hyung?
“Of waking up everyday without the person you’ve planned tomorrow with? Or of breathing and living with a beating heart but the reason of it all gone?
“It’s not the easiest though. And believe me hyung, it’s not the easiest thing to do so as well.”
Chanyeol nods. It never occurred to him, living without Baekhyun. The moment he knew he was in love with his best friend was the moment he knew he’ll be fighting for that love for eternity. Perhaps it was the same with Jongin and Kyungsoo. When they were together, they never thought of breaking up or living without the other. But somewhere along fate’s design, something happened and Jongin is sitting in front of him, devastated. And Kyungsoo is somewhere far away, far from Jongin’s reach. Far from Jongin’s understanding.
When Jongin fell in love with Kyungsoo, Chanyeol had seen almost instant changes in the younger. Kyungsoo became the center of Jongin’s universe and he had gravitated around him. For a time, Jongin and Kyungsoo had a hard time adjusting with each other’s attitude with their relationship. Jongin learned how to be independent of Kyungsoo and decide for himself. He learned that he can’t be too possessive of Kyungsoo because Kyungsoo wanted his own wings to fly.
Kyungsoo learned that when Jongin is possessive, it’s because he’s insecure. Kyungsoo learned that in order to build Jongin’s confidence, he has to support him and his dreams. Kyungsoo has come to love all of Jongin and has even craved for his boyfriend’s clinging when he’s up in the air and Jongin is out of reach.
But despite all this, Chanyeol could see how Jongin still has his tendencies to depend on Kyungsoo too much. Just like how he knew that when Jongin refused the recommendation from Mr. Jung and he’s still refusing now.
“This is actually a promotion, Jongin. And, maybe, a clean start.”
Jongin only gives him a single nod.
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Kyungsoo never lets Jongin fetch him from the airport. He has always refused Jongin’s invitations to the point that it became an argument. But Jongin knows that this is an argument Kyungsoo would win.
Jongin may not be fetching his boyfriend, but he always knew Kyungsoo’s arrival time and the time to commute from the airport to their apartment. He could count down to a ten and it would be the exact moment that Kyungsoo would open their door.
Jongin stands behind their door, ready to welcome home his boyfriend he overly missed and give him the tightest hug he can give.
When the door opens, Jongin is already on his toes, too excited and too strung up. Kyungsoo stands in front of their apartment and as if teasingly, he took slow steps dragging his luggage, that playful smile not leaving his lips.
But Jongin’s concentration was already captured by Kyungsoo’s eyes. Those eyes that didn’t need words to convey his boyfriend’s messages because he can understand them, because those were the same messages that he wanted to say.
I love you. I miss you. Welcome home, my love.
But they left it unsaid and instead they kissed. Jongin embraced Kyungsoo the way he can express how much he has missed him and he feels how Kyungsoo hugs him back just as hard. He kisses his boyfriend the way he can say he’s missed kissing him. And he pulls back, just enough to look into those eyes again, his most favorite pair of eyes, Kyungsoo’s most expressive eyes, and he takes in the depth of those black eyes that reflect him and their love.
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The hardest part of the loop is acceptance.
It took Jongin a week to finalize his resignation and transfer works. By some miracle, he was able to find a suitable place close to his new work as well. There was not much in their apartment and it was not so much of a hassle when it came to packing.
The hardest part was packing Kyungsoo’s things. Kyungsoo didn’t get to pack his things when he slammed their door shut that night he walked away from Jongin. He doesn’t see it at first, Jongin could only grasp the situation when it was too late.
“You rejected another project again?”
It was supposed to go the usual way that days Kyungsoo has a flight are supposed to go. They’ve taken their meal and Jongin is taking their plates while Kyungsoo prepares to wash them. But Kyungsoo didn’t stand up to go to the sink. He remained seated and he didn’t look at Jongin.
“Who told you?”
“Don’t answer me with another question. Why did you reject it?”
He remembers how he answered Kyungsoo in the most uncaring manner. If only he had known...
“The site is in a rural place, Kyungsoo, I have to go there for an ocular inspection.” The plates are placed gently down the sink. Jongin gets the feeling that he’s the one to wash them with the bubbling argument in their morning.
“Which would take a day or two!”
“But you’re here on those scheduled dates.”
“Ca-”
“Those are the only days I get to see you. And you’ll be having those international flights soon as well.”
Why couldn’t Kyungsoo understand that he only wanted to spend more time with him? These projects mean nothing if he’s not by Kyungsoo’s side when he’s actually on the land where Jongin is.
Recalling their fight makes Jongin rethink of his previous questions. He’s stalled when he answers them himself. Of course Kyungsoo understood. Kyungsoo would have probably wanted to spend more time with him as well. And now nothing means anything anymore when he’s pushed Kyungsoo away.
“And I didn’t get to have a say in this?”
“So that you can nag and then we’ll fight before you go to another flight?” Irony is that it’s exactly what’s happening.
Jongin remembers how Kyungsoo looked. He sat at their dining table, fits clenched the way he has also clenched his teeth shut.
“So that I can do something for this relationship.” Kyungsoo stands up abruptly sending his chair to tether but not fall. “So that I can let you know that I can make sacrifices for you, for us! You don’t make me do anything. You make me feel like I’m a structure that you have to draw and decide on. I am your boyfriend Kim Jongin. I am half of this relationship as well.” Anger is more apparent in Kyungsoo’s flushed face. Jongin knows his boyfriend is trying not to burst. It was very rare to see Kyungsoo angry.
“Why are you so angry? It’s already done. They’re already giving the project to someone else.”
“Why am I angry? I just told you! I could’ve told you that I had a month’s worth of leave and that we could’ve went to that ocular inspection together and someplace else if you hadn’t been a prick and got ahead of yourself again!”
This stops Jongin from turning his back on Kyungsoo. He takes careful steps towards the angry Kyungsoo. “What?”
“But guess what,” Kyungsoo scoffs, “I think I’ll have to take back that leave. I’m through with this.”
There was a single tear that fell from Kyungsoo’s eyes. Jongin doesn’t understand why his boyfriend is crying. It is normal for them to have an argument and Kyungsoo had never cried when they do. It’ll take a couple more minutes of talking but they’ll be kissing and making up later just before Kyungsoo’s minutes away from being late to his flight. Right?
“Kyungsoo, wait. What are you saying?” Jongin catches Kyungsoo by the wrist just as he has his hands on his luggage, ready to pull it out the door.
“I’m breaking up with you Jongin.” Kyungsoo’s back is facing him. Something in him slowly cracks when he sees his shoulders slightly shaking. “You clearly don’t need me in this relationship if you’re making decisions by yourself.”
This isn’t happening. Denial, the first part of the loop, usually happens right at the moment. Surely Kyungsoo isn’t serious with what he just said. He wouldn’t just break up with Jongin because of a simple fight. “It was my decision to make, Kyungsoo.”
And then Kyungsoo faces him. Tear tracks are visible on his cheeks and there are tears still left brimming on his eyelids. “But your decision was based on a burden that you were supposed to share with the one you love.” Kyungsoo blinks and those tears finally fall. “And you didn’t share it with me.”
Jongin did nothing else that night but run to the airport, hoping to catch Kyungsoo before his scheduled flight takes off. He tried calling Kyungsoo’s phone but it was futile since Kyungsoo almost never turns its flight mode off. He got to the airport but the crew had already boarded, as well as the passengers.
He saw the plane take off and he remained outside on the ground. Crying and asking for forgiveness again and again as the plane echoes with its departure.
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All his things were packed. Some of the bigger boxes were already delivered to his new apartment and he’s left with the smaller ones, the ones that contain his clothes, and Kyungsoo’s. He couldn’t find it in his heart to just leave Kyungsoo’s things here. Maybe this is one of his excuses again to hold on to what they had, to the thought of getting back together, to hoping that someday he’d have his chance to fight for their love.
Acceptance, the last of the loop, is the hardest part.
Jongin realizes that he’s been through this loop time and again because he could not accept that Kyungsoo had broken up with him. But more importantly, he could not accept that what Kyungsoo and he had was over without him having the chance to fight for it. Months after the door slammed on his face, Jongin still hasn’t got a message from Kyungsoo. He’d known his flights, knew when Kyungsoo is back in Korea and when he’s about to fly again.
Baekhyun had been reluctant at first -
“You didn’t even know you were breaking him, Jongin. Kyungsoo suffered with all the guilt because he thought he wasn’t giving attention and care and the right love for you, but it’s because you didn’t let him. You weren’t the only one hurting Jongin. In the end, he has received double the pain knowing that you’re giving too much into your relationship and he’s the reason behind it. I can’t let you do that to him again.”
But his best friend’s boyfriend wasn’t able to keep it when Jongin pleaded his heart out just to know where Kyungsoo was staying, just wanting to know if Kyungsoo is somewhere safe. When Baekhyun told him, Jongin deflated from relief. At least he knew that Kyungsoo has a roof over his head. But this knowledge he didn’t put into much use. He let the days pass without going to Kyungsoo or trying harder to reach out to him.
He was too preoccupied with his own self, too caught up with what has happened to them and how he should act next. He didn’t notice how much time has passed since he’d last seen his Kyungsoo’s face.
He was about to load the last two boxes he left unlabeled. He lifts one and instantly knows it’s his box because of the weight, heavier and bulkier. He let the doors open to ensure a safer and easier way to get to his rented pickup truck. He was about to cross the last door when he sees someone standing behind his pickup truck.
His grip on the box goes tighter, scared that his hold might slip and the box to fall with its contents spilling. If he couldn’t make the move, he should have known that Kyungsoo would. But after all his shortcomings, how could he have predicted that Kyungsoo would still be the one to appear before him? Thoughts and worries still bother him and he’s not sure if he’s ready to be thrown back to step one of his loop.
Kyungsoo might’ve seen through him because when Jongin was taking the last steps towards the truck, towards Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo had taken his own steps towards their apartment. There was just a brush of air when they passed each other. Kyungsoo didn't stop him and Jongin’s a little glad he didn't.
When he loaded the last box on the truck, he saw that Kyungsoo’s luggage is sitting there as well. He turns, ready to question the other but Kyungsoo is out of sight. He jogs to their apartment and there he finds Kyungsoo, closing the door to their bedroom while carrying his box of things on the other hand, precariously supported by his hip.
“What are you doing?”
Kyungsoo is in no hurry to answer him. He fixes his hold on the box and starts walking by the door. He takes a few steps past Jongin and answers, “I’m loading the last box in the truck, obviously.”
And so Kyungsoo does, leaving Jongin baffled in the bare apartment. Jongin still has no idea what to do, how to face their situation, but it’s closer to prolonging the confrontation. When he got outside, Kyungsoo had already loaded the last box and closed the pick up truck. Jongin is surprised when Kyungsoo opens the door to the passenger seat and plants himself there.
Jongin enters the car and slams his door but Kyungsoo’s features are schooled with no reaction and Jongin couldn’t help but sigh. Kyungsoo will always be stubborn. This he knows too well. Jongin sets the car to drive and they set off.
A few stoplights on their way and Jongin fights the urge to start something. This, what’s happening right now, is not normal. You do not sit alone beside your ex-boyfriend in a car and go on without at least asking how he’s been just for conversation’s sake. But Jongin still could not do it.
He’s still distraught with his own feelings. They come to a stop sign and Jongin halts the car. He sinks further to the backrest when he sees that the stop sign’s countdown would go on for a full minute. Kyungsoo enters his peripheries clearly and Jongin sees that the flight attendant has his eyes closed. Kyungsoo is still in his full uniform. Something that Jongin had confessed to Kyungsoo many times that he loved seeing on him, aside from his own oversized tee shirts.
Kyungsoo’s lips are pressed in a thin line. If Jongin would guess, he’ll think that Kyungsoo’s stopping himself from saying something. Jongin wants to reach out to his lips and pull the corners up, needing to see that smile, and know that it was still him that’s the reason behind it. Then Jongin’s eyes travel to that bump of a nose that Kyungsoo has. He remembers the bops of noses that they’ve replaced kisses with. Every time Kyungsoo plays with him and teases him on their Skype calls and refuses to kiss the camera but rather lead it to his nose, sometimes fogging the camera.
When Jongin reaches Kyungsoo’s eyelashes, Kyungsoo opens his eyes. It’s a blessing, maybe, that when Jongin snaps his head back to the road, the stop sign had counted down and the green light flashed. The image of Kyungsoo’s black bottomless eyes bores on his mind. It has been too long since he’s seen those eyes. The last image of them was filled with tears, pain and grief.
And everything comes back to Jongin. Their break up, losing Kyungsoo, and those agonizing days. They arrive at the new apartment and he shakes from all the emotions smacking right back at him. It takes almost all of his energy to calmly park and get out of the car. He’s Immediately keying the front door to his new apartment, needing as much space as he can put between him and Kyungsoo. But it’s in that moment that Kyungsoo decides to call him by his name, “Jongin.”
Fuck. How is it that Kyungsoo’s voice could still wrap around him and melt his insides like this? He’s heard his name, been called by it so many times for the previous months, but how is it that one call from Kyungsoo and it’s already pulling him closer and closer.
“Can we talk?”
“Don’t you think that’s been long overdue?” Jongin answers, voice almost steady but his breathlessness gives him away. He makes sure that he’s standing on the other side of the kitchen island, just in case he can’t help himself and does something stupid. Like maybe cross that distance and pull Kyungsoo in his arms.
“We needed that time apart, Jongin.” There’s a hint of desperation in Kyungsoo’s voice that makes Jongin want to turn around and look closer.
When he’s sure that he can remain in his spot, Jongin turns to Kyungsoo with passive features. ”You decided that for yourself.”
“Just like how you decided everything about our relationship?” he rebuts with raised eyebrows.
The sharpness in Kyungsoo’s answer sparks something in Jongin, “I was wrong, Kyungsoo. I’ve realized that. But you left me,” his voice is rising in volume, “just like that!” He smacks the marble countertop.
Kyungsoo visibly winces, imagining how Jongin’s palms are now red and must probably sting from the impact. When he replies, it was almost a whisper, “I had to know if I still loved you Jongin.”
If the countertop had hurt his hands, then it is nothing compared to the pain he’s feeling after hearing Kyungsoo’s answer. If he was gone that long, then Kyungsoo must have gotten his answer. And it’s something that Jongin’s afraid to hear but knows he has to.
“It took you three whole months to figure out if you still loved me!?”
“I knew I loved you the moment I turned my back on you!” Kyungsoo takes one step towards the kitchen island and points a finger at Jongin. “I was shattering right in front of you! I waited, Jongin. I waited for you to come to me and prove that we’re still together in fighting through this.” The first hints of tears are becoming clear on his eyelids but he can’t let them fall. He needs to be strong.
“How many times, Kyungsoo? I tried to call you. I was there at the airport and you were…” And then it hits him. Kyungsoo was always just a fingerbreadth away from him. Kyungsoo, Jongin realizes, has always made himself available for him. If only he just jumped and closed that fingerbreadth distance. But Jongin had been too afraid.
Afraid that Kyungsoo had really let him go. Had he always thought that their love was not strong enough?
“I also waited for you to decide for yourself, not just for this relationship. Jongin, I know you loved me. You’ve proved it time and again. But I need you to love yourself too. I needed you to believe that chasing your dreams wouldn’t take us apart. Did you know how hard it was for me to see you sacrificing yourself just so I can have mine?”
He didn’t notice that he was starting to shake. Jongin sees his fist shake and when he tries to answer, he notices that his lips were shaking as well. “I…” he hiccups and tries again, “I was so angry at first, I wished for your death. But I didn’t mean it, because I knew that every time I did, I was killing myself.”
It seems that he had chosen the right spot, not to prevent himself from flinging to Kyungsoo the first chance he got, but to provide support when he breaks down. His shoulders and knees continues to shake as tears from his eyes keep falling. He couldn’t stop it. All this time, all he’s thought was how he was feeling. “I thought I was being selfless. I thought I was saving our relationship. But it caused this instead. It was breaking you and in turn broke me too. I’m… I’m so sorry Kyungsoo hyung.”
And then Kyungsoo is by his side, reaching out to him, wanting to hold him and embrace him. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Jongin-ah. I thought I was doing what was best for us too.”
Then finally, finally, Jongin takes the courage to come closer. Tears are blinding him but they’re no match to his longing for Kyungsoo. His palms are still warm and red from hitting the countertop, but he’s holding Kyungsoo’s face between them now and it soothes him, from the tips of his fingertips to his stuttering heart. His thumb catches something wet and he sees now that Kyungsoo is crying as well.
“You didn’t have to fight for us just on your own, Jongin-ah. I am here.” As if to assure the younger more, Kyungsoo pulls them closer, foreheads pressing. “Would you give me a chance to fight for us too?”
It starts with the meeting of their eyes, conveying a promise to love better; then their noses touch, sharing a breath that brings back life to their hearts that was once in pieces; and when their lips touch, Kyungsoo presses his smile to Jongin’s shaking one.
“They say time flies. I’m glad it flew towards you, hyung.”
⬛