feeling down...
Ok its time for a bitch fest cause I've not had one in....well a while.
Tonight I forgot my wallet after spending nearly an hour at Hollywood Video trying to find movies that they seemed to not have. But that isn't the problem here; its the forgetting of the wall, the sense of dread within that has me writing today. It has been a hellish two weeks of forgetfulness, problems, work issues, animal deaths and loneliness bothering me more so than usual. Coupled with the fact that I have, unlike my bro, zero friends to even rant too. I sometimes put my cell to my ear so I can pretend I have someone else to talk to when I know deep inside I don't. My cell rings only when its Mom or occasionally the farrier.
I don't have friends I have acquaintances; people I see everyday at work or occasionally at the stables. Nobody calls those who have my cell which leads me to think I really am not as interesting as people like to tell me. I have noone to talk too which I think is hurting me more now than ever. I know folks at work who have had friends for years but the one set of friends I had are gone; moved on gotten married thus leaving me w/o anyone to kinda vent, laugh, cry or just plain chew the fat with and I'm sorry to say I've done nothing to help this situation.
Why is this so? I don't know...maybe I don't try hard enough to find people of like mind to hang with? Some folks I have little in common with other than religion or hobbies. Part of that is my fault yes I am willing to accept that but what is wrong with someone coming up to me to say hi or something??
Then there is the whole "no boy/girl friend" thing; wtf is up w/ that?? Yes I know love/relationships happen by accident or its time but when is it going to be MY time? Am I so picky nobody short of another me would do? I'm not ugly, not drop dead beautiful but I'm cute, nothing to scare small children away yet I've not been out on a date in years. Part of that of course is weight; guys/gals don't want to go out with fat chicks and those that do are people I would hardly give a second glance. Yeah, snobby yes but as a big gal use to getting someone smaller than herself, I don 't feel the need to join the BBW crowd especially since I am on the road to loosing weight etc etc. I'm totally happy to be getting some looks (again, finally!) but why only by married truckers cruising by my fuckin truck? I try to "not care if I meet someone or not" but that is getting way old now. Even thinking that way is getting so old its boring. I'm tired of being alone-I want someone too! And I don't want them to be a zillion miles away yet not opening myself to someone on the other side of the US or even in another country seems almost weird. Would e-harmony work more if I'd been open to more individuals? Doubt it but who knows, yeah? I guess this is the root of the problem: no interaction w/ others period, be they fellow pagans/hippies or not for that matter.
It is not selfish to want someone; to be tired of lonely nights not talking to anyone. I just been outta the loop so long I don't know what dating people do any more. I know they don't spend warm fall evenings in the house on the computer (mostly). But I feel dumb going to bars only to stand around not being talked too even though I like radiate "hey come chat w/ me" vibes. Perhaps those vibes say something different...I don't know.
Anyway, this is my pity party to me-I'd make this a new years resolution but I'm dreading going up against this holiday...ending the year again w/o anyone to call lover/friend/fuck face whatever..:(
The Gods help those whom help themselves-instead of waiting for love I should try to be more open to whomever crosses my path as a potential mate/friend.
I do this.
Tonight I forgot my wallet after spending nearly an hour at Hollywood Video trying to find movies that they seemed to not have. But that isn't the problem here; its the forgetting of the wall, the sense of dread within that has me writing today. It has been a hellish two weeks of forgetfulness, problems, work issues, animal deaths and loneliness bothering me more so than usual. Coupled with the fact that I have, unlike my bro, zero friends to even rant too. I sometimes put my cell to my ear so I can pretend I have someone else to talk to when I know deep inside I don't. My cell rings only when its Mom or occasionally the farrier.
I don't have friends I have acquaintances; people I see everyday at work or occasionally at the stables. Nobody calls those who have my cell which leads me to think I really am not as interesting as people like to tell me. I have noone to talk too which I think is hurting me more now than ever. I know folks at work who have had friends for years but the one set of friends I had are gone; moved on gotten married thus leaving me w/o anyone to kinda vent, laugh, cry or just plain chew the fat with and I'm sorry to say I've done nothing to help this situation.
Why is this so? I don't know...maybe I don't try hard enough to find people of like mind to hang with? Some folks I have little in common with other than religion or hobbies. Part of that is my fault yes I am willing to accept that but what is wrong with someone coming up to me to say hi or something??
Then there is the whole "no boy/girl friend" thing; wtf is up w/ that?? Yes I know love/relationships happen by accident or its time but when is it going to be MY time? Am I so picky nobody short of another me would do? I'm not ugly, not drop dead beautiful but I'm cute, nothing to scare small children away yet I've not been out on a date in years. Part of that of course is weight; guys/gals don't want to go out with fat chicks and those that do are people I would hardly give a second glance. Yeah, snobby yes but as a big gal use to getting someone smaller than herself, I don 't feel the need to join the BBW crowd especially since I am on the road to loosing weight etc etc. I'm totally happy to be getting some looks (again, finally!) but why only by married truckers cruising by my fuckin truck? I try to "not care if I meet someone or not" but that is getting way old now. Even thinking that way is getting so old its boring. I'm tired of being alone-I want someone too! And I don't want them to be a zillion miles away yet not opening myself to someone on the other side of the US or even in another country seems almost weird. Would e-harmony work more if I'd been open to more individuals? Doubt it but who knows, yeah? I guess this is the root of the problem: no interaction w/ others period, be they fellow pagans/hippies or not for that matter.
It is not selfish to want someone; to be tired of lonely nights not talking to anyone. I just been outta the loop so long I don't know what dating people do any more. I know they don't spend warm fall evenings in the house on the computer (mostly). But I feel dumb going to bars only to stand around not being talked too even though I like radiate "hey come chat w/ me" vibes. Perhaps those vibes say something different...I don't know.
Anyway, this is my pity party to me-I'd make this a new years resolution but I'm dreading going up against this holiday...ending the year again w/o anyone to call lover/friend/fuck face whatever..:(
The Gods help those whom help themselves-instead of waiting for love I should try to be more open to whomever crosses my path as a potential mate/friend.
I do this.