The First Decade
Through tens years of writing I have managed to say very little and far more than I'd dare let any person see. My default perceived reaction of the past ten years of this writing it would have to assumed I've no pride in what I have managed to accomplish as it could barely be half of my goal, yet through these ten years I have come to see just how much more than those around me I have managed to do. It has taken years of work from a large source of amazing individuals to inflate my ego to a size capable of keeping me afloat on murky waters of self-deprecation and an uncomfortably heavy critical nature. This however is not to say I have developed myself into a wondrous show of egocentric bullshit.
If anything the first decade was a self-established secret proving grounds for what it is to be a good adult. To take the elements of childlike into the complexities of jaded bitter adult life and create a balance that could enable a healthy long term approach to dealing with realizations of a less than ideal childhood, misguided parents, learning to do things for the self and finding a role with purpose, and learning how to be a positive force without becoming a lie.
After the dedicated four-year project Campaign For Friends came to an end in March of this year a terrible number of thoughts came clear on what friendship is considered -and how it varies greatly in American culture to a lot of the rest of the world- and how to sustain them individually. I had a great deal of pride in the project, at times probably more than was healthy as was evident in the reactions of those who where to find out about the project after its conclusion. In all, over the four years I created contact with roughly 200 acquaintances, many of these were short lived due -more often that I'd like to admit, because their desires were purely sexual. Those that did not have sexual motives or were able to suppress them long enough to generate at least some level of camaraderie were quietly subjected to a battery of test in their tolerance to deal with racial issues, complex conversation, awkward social scenarios, skirted flirting, cold logical demeanor, and emotional probing, to name a sampling. The majority of this grouping failed.
-When I speak of failure here I must be very careful because 'who failed?' They did not fail, not a test, I did not fail them. When I speak I say 'they failed me' and so the failure is mine to my inability to adapt to their personality to continue to attempt to build a relationship in some capacity but it is not their failing as they are unaware of the façade they are working with. It is here we encounter the extreme self-critical nature again as there is no (at the time) know social norm as to whether the events in generating these social connections are flowing within tolerances.
Among those that moved from the second to third tier are the people that have a complex nature with the world around them an awareness competitive to my own, 2 in 10. This group is what I could now consider the general pool of known acquaintances.
Beyond this into the fourth tier became the people that I began to remove from the project as to fulfill my desire for a deep friendship. The Majority of people in this group no long speak with me due to my inability to integrate the individual to a group. -This was a major failing of the project. Due to the variety of sources this large sampling of people came from it was difficult to create a reasonable reason to have two or even more of these be social with me at the same time. Further was the shame of explaining how I came to know such a varied swath.
The final tier, five, were the keepers, those I could consider being honest with at the conclusion of the project. These people I could only consider to be the most influential to the development of what I feel it is to be an honest and real individual with purpose.
The fifth tier was instrumental in the development of tolerance in almost every field, honest values, perceived values, compassion, trust, and direct honesty.
Although the writing would have it seem the project was generally a failure, quite the opposite. The elements that were discovered throughout this work such as charm, grace, and ease of sociability for example, were found to me some of the most surprising missing pieces of the puzzle in my fears of social settings of any level. The only negative was developing a way to control the output or rightly shut if off.
The projects conclusion is simple really, it is patience and time. The only thing that was never correctly taken into account while attempting to find deep and fulfilling bonds.
Time Patience and Honesty.
The second decade now has to be a development of the true self -not subjecting but not rejecting. Knowing where you came from and how that made you and not allowing it to control the present but only be the element of the makeup that it only is.
If anything the first decade was a self-established secret proving grounds for what it is to be a good adult. To take the elements of childlike into the complexities of jaded bitter adult life and create a balance that could enable a healthy long term approach to dealing with realizations of a less than ideal childhood, misguided parents, learning to do things for the self and finding a role with purpose, and learning how to be a positive force without becoming a lie.
After the dedicated four-year project Campaign For Friends came to an end in March of this year a terrible number of thoughts came clear on what friendship is considered -and how it varies greatly in American culture to a lot of the rest of the world- and how to sustain them individually. I had a great deal of pride in the project, at times probably more than was healthy as was evident in the reactions of those who where to find out about the project after its conclusion. In all, over the four years I created contact with roughly 200 acquaintances, many of these were short lived due -more often that I'd like to admit, because their desires were purely sexual. Those that did not have sexual motives or were able to suppress them long enough to generate at least some level of camaraderie were quietly subjected to a battery of test in their tolerance to deal with racial issues, complex conversation, awkward social scenarios, skirted flirting, cold logical demeanor, and emotional probing, to name a sampling. The majority of this grouping failed.
-When I speak of failure here I must be very careful because 'who failed?' They did not fail, not a test, I did not fail them. When I speak I say 'they failed me' and so the failure is mine to my inability to adapt to their personality to continue to attempt to build a relationship in some capacity but it is not their failing as they are unaware of the façade they are working with. It is here we encounter the extreme self-critical nature again as there is no (at the time) know social norm as to whether the events in generating these social connections are flowing within tolerances.
Among those that moved from the second to third tier are the people that have a complex nature with the world around them an awareness competitive to my own, 2 in 10. This group is what I could now consider the general pool of known acquaintances.
Beyond this into the fourth tier became the people that I began to remove from the project as to fulfill my desire for a deep friendship. The Majority of people in this group no long speak with me due to my inability to integrate the individual to a group. -This was a major failing of the project. Due to the variety of sources this large sampling of people came from it was difficult to create a reasonable reason to have two or even more of these be social with me at the same time. Further was the shame of explaining how I came to know such a varied swath.
The final tier, five, were the keepers, those I could consider being honest with at the conclusion of the project. These people I could only consider to be the most influential to the development of what I feel it is to be an honest and real individual with purpose.
The fifth tier was instrumental in the development of tolerance in almost every field, honest values, perceived values, compassion, trust, and direct honesty.
Although the writing would have it seem the project was generally a failure, quite the opposite. The elements that were discovered throughout this work such as charm, grace, and ease of sociability for example, were found to me some of the most surprising missing pieces of the puzzle in my fears of social settings of any level. The only negative was developing a way to control the output or rightly shut if off.
The projects conclusion is simple really, it is patience and time. The only thing that was never correctly taken into account while attempting to find deep and fulfilling bonds.
Time Patience and Honesty.
The second decade now has to be a development of the true self -not subjecting but not rejecting. Knowing where you came from and how that made you and not allowing it to control the present but only be the element of the makeup that it only is.