Usual questioning
Why didn't I kill him, I had the chance, maybe not the implement to do so, improvised.
The stare is enough to cause a meltdown, so there should be satisfaction in that.
Revenge, retribution, or correction?
All three?
Perhaps just the first two.
The Third perhaps too difficult.
At the completion of such a long awaited event I was under the impression that it would feel more weighted, a burden or great stress would reemerge, that I would fall into a dark room with smooth black light absorbing walls, impossible to climb to get to the hatch on the celling. Instead it is just a sense of calm, not amazing or brilliant, hardly even note worthy. It could seem as though nothing had ever even happened. None of it at all, that I wound up at this point purely by chance not by external forces.
This normalcy, this contentedness, maybe, all feels too much as though something is waiting out the door around and down the stairs through the front door out of the iron gate and around the other side of the fence hiding behind the big old tree, just waiting, expecting, that I could, that I would leave the house so it could capture me -with pride thinking I could have never expected anything like this to happen, not to me. Throw everything into chaos, force me into the chaos, to own up, admit to my part in all of it, force me to admit to things that were not mine.
But "it" this thing, this unknown is not waiting, couldn't possibly be bothered with me, what do I have that could be so appealing to an entity that strives to create chaos. I can not be shocked, can not be thrown, not anymore, there is always preparedness, living half packed in the event running is required. Quickly, quietly, in the night without a note.
This entity, what ever it could possibly be, this thing that is in fact probably not even waiting, has nothing, no leverage, not on a calm and expecting mind. That above all is what is frightful.
The stare is enough to cause a meltdown, so there should be satisfaction in that.
Revenge, retribution, or correction?
All three?
Perhaps just the first two.
The Third perhaps too difficult.
At the completion of such a long awaited event I was under the impression that it would feel more weighted, a burden or great stress would reemerge, that I would fall into a dark room with smooth black light absorbing walls, impossible to climb to get to the hatch on the celling. Instead it is just a sense of calm, not amazing or brilliant, hardly even note worthy. It could seem as though nothing had ever even happened. None of it at all, that I wound up at this point purely by chance not by external forces.
This normalcy, this contentedness, maybe, all feels too much as though something is waiting out the door around and down the stairs through the front door out of the iron gate and around the other side of the fence hiding behind the big old tree, just waiting, expecting, that I could, that I would leave the house so it could capture me -with pride thinking I could have never expected anything like this to happen, not to me. Throw everything into chaos, force me into the chaos, to own up, admit to my part in all of it, force me to admit to things that were not mine.
But "it" this thing, this unknown is not waiting, couldn't possibly be bothered with me, what do I have that could be so appealing to an entity that strives to create chaos. I can not be shocked, can not be thrown, not anymore, there is always preparedness, living half packed in the event running is required. Quickly, quietly, in the night without a note.
This entity, what ever it could possibly be, this thing that is in fact probably not even waiting, has nothing, no leverage, not on a calm and expecting mind. That above all is what is frightful.