And then (before) I wrote this [Emo Score 7.5 out of 10]
(By the way, this reposting is largely for the benefit of René and Lucinda. Because I care.) (Seriously, though)
So I'm just going to fly right into some of what's bothering me. It's difficult for me to know what the right thing to do is. I've been wondering what I should do with my life for at least 10 years, now, I think. Well, perhaps for a few years in there I thought I knew. Namely, when I was in the band. But over a period of at least ten years, there hangs a large question mark. Perhaps several of them, I'm not sure. Right now there's a special one, a dark cloud that's in the shape of a question mark, over my head. It's not all doom and gloom, mind you. Seeing Keiko again has been very nice. But even that is very confusing. I love her but I'm not In Love with her, and I don't think I ever could be (not entirely to do with her). I also can't see myself living in Japan. I'm tired of living abroad. I'm definitely tired of it "for now," but I may be tired of it "for good." I don't know for sure about that. My arrival in this place was not a good one. This is improving, slowly, ... and steadily? I don't know. I have a few more things in my apartment, anyway. Like a couch (well, a love-seat; it's a Japanese couch, so it's REALLY small). So, I can't see myself living in Japan. Which means that if I want to pursue something with Keiko, she would have to live in America. But especially in light of the stress of my recent arrival, and the stress I've experienced often times in my travels, I feel guilty when I think about getting her to move to the US for me. And, yes, I'm scared about committing to something. In a general sense, as well as being scared to committ to something that I'm unsure of. Perhaps this has been my problem for most of my life, so far, my inability to committ to things when some part of it is in doubt. Well, at least it's kept me from gambling!
As of now, technically I only have a three-month contract, because I was hired at an irregular time (usually contracts run from April to April or September to September). So it's entirely possible that I'll be let go, at the end of March. What this also means is that, at the end of March, I'm technically free to do what I want. I could seek alternate employment, here in Japan, or else return to the US (right now I have a return ticket set for March 27th, to Denver). That's as far as I can get in the decision/contingency planning. If I return to the US, I'm back to where I was in September, not know what to do next. I think I'd like to return to school. Study languages, and something to do with international/interpersonal relations. But I think about that, and I really feel a lot of pressure to decide What To Do With My Life, right now. My Dad has had this offer to help me get into his line of work. This is a traditional idea, following in your father's footsteps. But I have moral/ethical concerns about heading down that road. Though if I rationalize it enough (from my, admittedly, rather ignorant standpoint), I could find some links to "international relations" in it... But it's an offer that's there, one that could mean getting job stability, and the things that come with it, very quickly. I have very little patience for the future (perhaps that's why I moved to Japan...since it's 14 hours ahead!), and over the past four years or so, though I've learned much about many things, I've lost a lot of ... personal things. Relationships (friend, romance, family), for example, have been stressed by it. I don't feel like I have any real coping skills, anymore. I'm aware that, if I could just have patience, and be satisfied, and stay put for awhile, that these things likely will come back. It's a bit of a paradox.
But what do you do when you get to a place in your head, or spirit, where you cannot believe people when they tell you things that are good about yourself? People tell me they are proud of me, impressed with me, that they think I'm good at this or that. But I just can't really believe them. It's not something that's very sad (well, it is, if I haven't had enough sleep!), but it *is* something that concerns me. I have this sometimes desperate desire for praise, but then, when I receive it, I either don't want to, or can't, accept it.
On top of it all, of course, I'm very concerned about money. Hello: Scot', here! Given that one of the main reasons for coming back here was to save money, and looking at all the initial expenses I have to lay out (which is treading a VERY fine line with the money I ended up coming over here with), it seems like a deep dark hole to crawl out of. Top *that* off with receiving an email, this morning, from my ex-(stagehand)-labor-pimp, Julia, about a giveaway contest Pat (boss) was running, which I knew about but had small (ignorant) hope of succeeding it, and anyway I left, so, it's moot. But, in 2 weeks, Pat'll fund a weekend trip to Atlantic City for his top 6 employees, in terms of hours-worked. And I'm Number FOUR, by a fair margin, yet! It's just sort of a small kick in the pants, is all. Had I stayed until Spring, not only would I have been able to receive this award,
but also perhaps had a better idea of whether or not I actually wanted to return to Japan, and if I had, say, for ALTIA, I would have been able to receive the training I'd set as a goal, and perhaps be located somewhere closer to the other reason for coming to Japan, namely Keiko, and additionally could have had yet more money saved) for when I did either, say, move to Japan, or figure out what else it was I would do.
So I'm just going to fly right into some of what's bothering me. It's difficult for me to know what the right thing to do is. I've been wondering what I should do with my life for at least 10 years, now, I think. Well, perhaps for a few years in there I thought I knew. Namely, when I was in the band. But over a period of at least ten years, there hangs a large question mark. Perhaps several of them, I'm not sure. Right now there's a special one, a dark cloud that's in the shape of a question mark, over my head. It's not all doom and gloom, mind you. Seeing Keiko again has been very nice. But even that is very confusing. I love her but I'm not In Love with her, and I don't think I ever could be (not entirely to do with her). I also can't see myself living in Japan. I'm tired of living abroad. I'm definitely tired of it "for now," but I may be tired of it "for good." I don't know for sure about that. My arrival in this place was not a good one. This is improving, slowly, ... and steadily? I don't know. I have a few more things in my apartment, anyway. Like a couch (well, a love-seat; it's a Japanese couch, so it's REALLY small). So, I can't see myself living in Japan. Which means that if I want to pursue something with Keiko, she would have to live in America. But especially in light of the stress of my recent arrival, and the stress I've experienced often times in my travels, I feel guilty when I think about getting her to move to the US for me. And, yes, I'm scared about committing to something. In a general sense, as well as being scared to committ to something that I'm unsure of. Perhaps this has been my problem for most of my life, so far, my inability to committ to things when some part of it is in doubt. Well, at least it's kept me from gambling!
As of now, technically I only have a three-month contract, because I was hired at an irregular time (usually contracts run from April to April or September to September). So it's entirely possible that I'll be let go, at the end of March. What this also means is that, at the end of March, I'm technically free to do what I want. I could seek alternate employment, here in Japan, or else return to the US (right now I have a return ticket set for March 27th, to Denver). That's as far as I can get in the decision/contingency planning. If I return to the US, I'm back to where I was in September, not know what to do next. I think I'd like to return to school. Study languages, and something to do with international/interpersonal relations. But I think about that, and I really feel a lot of pressure to decide What To Do With My Life, right now. My Dad has had this offer to help me get into his line of work. This is a traditional idea, following in your father's footsteps. But I have moral/ethical concerns about heading down that road. Though if I rationalize it enough (from my, admittedly, rather ignorant standpoint), I could find some links to "international relations" in it... But it's an offer that's there, one that could mean getting job stability, and the things that come with it, very quickly. I have very little patience for the future (perhaps that's why I moved to Japan...since it's 14 hours ahead!), and over the past four years or so, though I've learned much about many things, I've lost a lot of ... personal things. Relationships (friend, romance, family), for example, have been stressed by it. I don't feel like I have any real coping skills, anymore. I'm aware that, if I could just have patience, and be satisfied, and stay put for awhile, that these things likely will come back. It's a bit of a paradox.
But what do you do when you get to a place in your head, or spirit, where you cannot believe people when they tell you things that are good about yourself? People tell me they are proud of me, impressed with me, that they think I'm good at this or that. But I just can't really believe them. It's not something that's very sad (well, it is, if I haven't had enough sleep!), but it *is* something that concerns me. I have this sometimes desperate desire for praise, but then, when I receive it, I either don't want to, or can't, accept it.
On top of it all, of course, I'm very concerned about money. Hello: Scot', here! Given that one of the main reasons for coming back here was to save money, and looking at all the initial expenses I have to lay out (which is treading a VERY fine line with the money I ended up coming over here with), it seems like a deep dark hole to crawl out of. Top *that* off with receiving an email, this morning, from my ex-(stagehand)-labor-pimp, Julia, about a giveaway contest Pat (boss) was running, which I knew about but had small (ignorant) hope of succeeding it, and anyway I left, so, it's moot. But, in 2 weeks, Pat'll fund a weekend trip to Atlantic City for his top 6 employees, in terms of hours-worked. And I'm Number FOUR, by a fair margin, yet! It's just sort of a small kick in the pants, is all. Had I stayed until Spring, not only would I have been able to receive this award,
but also perhaps had a better idea of whether or not I actually wanted to return to Japan, and if I had, say, for ALTIA, I would have been able to receive the training I'd set as a goal, and perhaps be located somewhere closer to the other reason for coming to Japan, namely Keiko, and additionally could have had yet more money saved) for when I did either, say, move to Japan, or figure out what else it was I would do.