Eighteen hours
I've been in Church for 18 hours since Tuesday afternoon. That's a LOT of Church! Though I'm tired, I do feel renewed.
Holy Thursday remains the most striking day of holy week for me. Though my part in Good Friday seemed to be a significant part of so many people's holy week experience, it was much less significant to me this year than it was last year. I again sang the psalm (Eli, Eli, lama azapthani?) and the part of Jesus in Hillert's Passion According to St. John.
I WILL say that I found more dimensions of Jesus this year than I did last year. This time, Jesus was more compassionate and more heart-felt than last year. For Eli, I just let my voice and my spirit try to find all the different emotions and ways of communicating those emotions. For the Passion, I didn't think of Jesus so much as resigned (as I did last year) as accepting what it was that he had to do, and as loving each and every person with whom he came into contact (even/especially Pilate and Peter). There was not the sense of self-pity that most of us (myself included) would have if we found ourselves walking toward our death. No, rather, it was a joyful acceptance: "For this, I have come into the world."
Unlike Holy Thursday, I don't really know what this new way of thinking means for me. I just know that it's an incredibly important paradigm shift.
Tenebrae on Good Friday evening was very "theatrical", so I didn't particularly have time for reflection. I was so focused on the music that I didn't really listen to the readings. However, the Poulenc Tenebrae factae sunt came off extremely well, and I really felt that the Schola got the text this year, and communicated the meaning of the text in our performance. The Horvit I Believe in God was touching as usual.
The "chills down my spine" moment, though, happened during the Allegri Miserere. My friend, Amanda, was singing the high soprano part (those of you who know the piece will know exactly what I'm talking about), and it was FLAWLESS. Not only was it flawless, but there was one point where her tone was so pure and the vowel and the pitch were exactly at the resonant frequency of the Church itself and you could hear and feel the tone building and building and building and ringing and echoing and re-echoing and bouncing around in all its straight-tone glory. God was present in that Note, proving once again that God speaks to me through music in a wordless yet perfectly clear language.
Easter Vigil on Saturday was nice, but I was experiencing gastric distress, so it really didn't touch me. I was excited for the 12 people who were baptized/confirmed and the 24 new confirmands. I was excited for the coming of Christ. I, unfortunately, missed the message for the most part. However, singing all the Alleluia's and hearing the brass and organ (after their noticable absence during holy week) was moving.
Later in the Easter Vigil, however, I had a realization. As a preface, I must mention that over the course of my relationship with jhumor, she has talked a LOT about the significance of holy week in her own spiritual journey. And it struck me -- I've been in the upper room for the past 4 1/2 years. When we reached the "normal" part of the service (i.e., the Liturgy of the Eucharist), I though, "Phwew, what a relief! THIS is familiar!". Without knowing why, my eyes filled with tears.
Upon further reflection, I realized I've been feeling abandoned, unsure of what to do or where to go in my faith-life, generally afraid of what the "Pharisees" would say about me and do to me since coming out. But in the returning of Jesus to my life in the Sacrament of Reconciliation on Tuesday evening, I encountered him risen, transformed, and more powerful than ever. And I knew that HE IS REAL, that His presence in my life is real, that I am Loved, and that my life has reason and purpose. This Easter, I have seen Him in the upper room, and that emboldens me to go forth to love, to serve, and to be loved.
This morning, I was cantor at 9:30. Again, I was more caught up in the theatrics than in the actual message. That probably wasn't helped by the fact that the homily did very little for me spiritually. The one observation that the priest made that was striking was about looking THROUGH the tabernacle (the "empty tomb") on the High Altar on Easter Vigil and seeing the people fill the church through it. Fr. O'Connell had Noon Mass, and his message YET AGAIN brought tears to my eyes -- whatever it is we don't understand is miraculous, from the healing of the sick to the dying of the sick to the divinity of God within our sinful selves.
After coming home to Fred's Marzipan-covered-bunny-shaped brownies and taking a well-deserved nap, we went to Dennis's house for dinner. Kenny and Danny were supposed to come, but begged off at the last minute due to company. Even without our closest friends there, God was present in the evening. I feel I have forgiven some individuals, which allowed me to enjoy myself and see the face of God in those individuals, rather than despise them. I realize they're my friends, and with friends, you accept the good and the bad.
In the end, I'm thankful for family. I talked with Mom and Dad, and it did my heart good to hear from both of them and to tell them "I love you" (I don't know if I've actually SAID those words to Dad for a long time). Additionally, it brought tears to my eyes to realize that my "choir family" is not only a family, but my family here in Minneapolis -- I love these individuals, and they love me. Even when I couldn't be with my parents, I did have family around me this Easter with whom I could share my faith, my music, and my love. I am blessed!
Holy Thursday remains the most striking day of holy week for me. Though my part in Good Friday seemed to be a significant part of so many people's holy week experience, it was much less significant to me this year than it was last year. I again sang the psalm (Eli, Eli, lama azapthani?) and the part of Jesus in Hillert's Passion According to St. John.
I WILL say that I found more dimensions of Jesus this year than I did last year. This time, Jesus was more compassionate and more heart-felt than last year. For Eli, I just let my voice and my spirit try to find all the different emotions and ways of communicating those emotions. For the Passion, I didn't think of Jesus so much as resigned (as I did last year) as accepting what it was that he had to do, and as loving each and every person with whom he came into contact (even/especially Pilate and Peter). There was not the sense of self-pity that most of us (myself included) would have if we found ourselves walking toward our death. No, rather, it was a joyful acceptance: "For this, I have come into the world."
Unlike Holy Thursday, I don't really know what this new way of thinking means for me. I just know that it's an incredibly important paradigm shift.
Tenebrae on Good Friday evening was very "theatrical", so I didn't particularly have time for reflection. I was so focused on the music that I didn't really listen to the readings. However, the Poulenc Tenebrae factae sunt came off extremely well, and I really felt that the Schola got the text this year, and communicated the meaning of the text in our performance. The Horvit I Believe in God was touching as usual.
The "chills down my spine" moment, though, happened during the Allegri Miserere. My friend, Amanda, was singing the high soprano part (those of you who know the piece will know exactly what I'm talking about), and it was FLAWLESS. Not only was it flawless, but there was one point where her tone was so pure and the vowel and the pitch were exactly at the resonant frequency of the Church itself and you could hear and feel the tone building and building and building and ringing and echoing and re-echoing and bouncing around in all its straight-tone glory. God was present in that Note, proving once again that God speaks to me through music in a wordless yet perfectly clear language.
Easter Vigil on Saturday was nice, but I was experiencing gastric distress, so it really didn't touch me. I was excited for the 12 people who were baptized/confirmed and the 24 new confirmands. I was excited for the coming of Christ. I, unfortunately, missed the message for the most part. However, singing all the Alleluia's and hearing the brass and organ (after their noticable absence during holy week) was moving.
Later in the Easter Vigil, however, I had a realization. As a preface, I must mention that over the course of my relationship with jhumor, she has talked a LOT about the significance of holy week in her own spiritual journey. And it struck me -- I've been in the upper room for the past 4 1/2 years. When we reached the "normal" part of the service (i.e., the Liturgy of the Eucharist), I though, "Phwew, what a relief! THIS is familiar!". Without knowing why, my eyes filled with tears.
Upon further reflection, I realized I've been feeling abandoned, unsure of what to do or where to go in my faith-life, generally afraid of what the "Pharisees" would say about me and do to me since coming out. But in the returning of Jesus to my life in the Sacrament of Reconciliation on Tuesday evening, I encountered him risen, transformed, and more powerful than ever. And I knew that HE IS REAL, that His presence in my life is real, that I am Loved, and that my life has reason and purpose. This Easter, I have seen Him in the upper room, and that emboldens me to go forth to love, to serve, and to be loved.
This morning, I was cantor at 9:30. Again, I was more caught up in the theatrics than in the actual message. That probably wasn't helped by the fact that the homily did very little for me spiritually. The one observation that the priest made that was striking was about looking THROUGH the tabernacle (the "empty tomb") on the High Altar on Easter Vigil and seeing the people fill the church through it. Fr. O'Connell had Noon Mass, and his message YET AGAIN brought tears to my eyes -- whatever it is we don't understand is miraculous, from the healing of the sick to the dying of the sick to the divinity of God within our sinful selves.
After coming home to Fred's Marzipan-covered-bunny-shaped brownies and taking a well-deserved nap, we went to Dennis's house for dinner. Kenny and Danny were supposed to come, but begged off at the last minute due to company. Even without our closest friends there, God was present in the evening. I feel I have forgiven some individuals, which allowed me to enjoy myself and see the face of God in those individuals, rather than despise them. I realize they're my friends, and with friends, you accept the good and the bad.
In the end, I'm thankful for family. I talked with Mom and Dad, and it did my heart good to hear from both of them and to tell them "I love you" (I don't know if I've actually SAID those words to Dad for a long time). Additionally, it brought tears to my eyes to realize that my "choir family" is not only a family, but my family here in Minneapolis -- I love these individuals, and they love me. Even when I couldn't be with my parents, I did have family around me this Easter with whom I could share my faith, my music, and my love. I am blessed!