It's like standing on a cliff, looking over the edge.
Over the cliff is my depression.
I have depression. Regretfully it doesn't seem to be something that just "goes away" entirely. Like an alcoholic, once you've experienced it, it's always a possible future. It's just a matter of not taking that drink, right? When depression takes over I can barely get myself out of bed and dressed in the morning. The act is just too much work. It's hard to get anything done, whether work or pleasure. It becomes a chore to do things like eat, call friends, or have fun. I get suicidal thoughts without being suicidal. That's what depression does.
Currently it's been hard to get out of bed, because I've been physically tired and my body just wants an extra hour or two of sleep. That's usually because I starved it of sleep the night or two nights before. I haven't been hanging out with my friends as much as I'd like this semester because of all the homework I have. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays lead to prolong time between breakfast (7am) and lunch (3pm). But that's because of classes and me being lazy about taking snacks.
So many things right now I'm experiencing that I usually experience during depression. This semester it's been for different reasons (stupid freaking 17cr.). I just find it fascinating really. There's a more certain amount of control than if I were depressed. Depression runs (and ruins) your life. I'm still in charge. The past week or so, I've been adjusting my schedule for more mental health moments of hanging out with friends and playing video games and pleasure readings. I know that if I push myself too hard I could fall into that pit, which is why I stepped back from school work the other week. I'm finding a balance, a knowledge that I'll hopefully keep for the rest my academic life. But I'm not depressed and I'm making the choices.
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Mostly my lj has become friends-only posts. I'm leaving this public because I feel depression is a demon that resides in many of my friends. I feel people don't talk about it as much. I feel like it should be more out in the open. One of my shipmates once asked what depression was, because he never really understood it. My shipmates are highly intelligent, generally retired, men who have experienced the world. Understanding depression shouldn't be restricted to the psychologists.
I have depression. Regretfully it doesn't seem to be something that just "goes away" entirely. Like an alcoholic, once you've experienced it, it's always a possible future. It's just a matter of not taking that drink, right? When depression takes over I can barely get myself out of bed and dressed in the morning. The act is just too much work. It's hard to get anything done, whether work or pleasure. It becomes a chore to do things like eat, call friends, or have fun. I get suicidal thoughts without being suicidal. That's what depression does.
Currently it's been hard to get out of bed, because I've been physically tired and my body just wants an extra hour or two of sleep. That's usually because I starved it of sleep the night or two nights before. I haven't been hanging out with my friends as much as I'd like this semester because of all the homework I have. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays lead to prolong time between breakfast (7am) and lunch (3pm). But that's because of classes and me being lazy about taking snacks.
So many things right now I'm experiencing that I usually experience during depression. This semester it's been for different reasons (stupid freaking 17cr.). I just find it fascinating really. There's a more certain amount of control than if I were depressed. Depression runs (and ruins) your life. I'm still in charge. The past week or so, I've been adjusting my schedule for more mental health moments of hanging out with friends and playing video games and pleasure readings. I know that if I push myself too hard I could fall into that pit, which is why I stepped back from school work the other week. I'm finding a balance, a knowledge that I'll hopefully keep for the rest my academic life. But I'm not depressed and I'm making the choices.
------------------------------------
Mostly my lj has become friends-only posts. I'm leaving this public because I feel depression is a demon that resides in many of my friends. I feel people don't talk about it as much. I feel like it should be more out in the open. One of my shipmates once asked what depression was, because he never really understood it. My shipmates are highly intelligent, generally retired, men who have experienced the world. Understanding depression shouldn't be restricted to the psychologists.