Aftermath
Hi.
It's funny how when I'm at my lowest, I find myself crawling back to old habits.
I started at Zenrei, first changing the password and then demolishing the broken S1 style and browsed backwards - one post at a time. I was 18 and 19 at the time and living with my parents. I was also drawn into this incredibly false reality and everything was so awesome. It was mostly a bunch of posts of me manwhoring it up, jumping from one internet whore to the next. This is just a generalization though. Most of them really weren't whores. I was just a piece of shit.
I moved onto Shungokusatsu next, going through the same routine of password changing and breaking the old style to make it all readable. I was maybe 21 here? A lot of memories of when I went to Jamestown Business College came rushing back. This also was when I traded off my one addiction of internet stardom and RP for another: World of Warcraft. Exchanging addictions is a shitty way to dodge reality. Maybe it was for the best or worst? I don't know anymore. As far as that livejournal was concerned, I was generally a very positive guy. This alone was progress in the right direction from those posts I had written back in PA under Zenrei. The most recent post had said I was moving on to another livejournal: Kaioken...this one. I remembered that much, but for that instant I had forgotten the pain I left behind.
It took three seconds to remember. As I started stepping backwards, I could feel that all too familiar ache in my chest. Post by post, I drew closer to the date: January 11th, 2008. Has it been three years since I was crippled by something that should have never happened? Every day for a week I had made a post reflecting the different stages of that pain and accompanied by a youtube video of a song I was listening to at the time. Even right now, I can feel my eyes watering as I think about it. There's a gaping hole there that I desperately tried to fill since then. I find myself blindly hoping that sometime we'd meet at the middle again, resolve that whole situation and be adults about the whole thing. The reality of it though is that I crossed a line I shouldn't have and now our friendship is nothing more than a sneaking game. Reality - something I have a hard time coming to terms with.
Sometime after all of that, I met a girl at the job I was working at the time. I had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. Really, spending the next two years with this girl was the last thing on my mind. Then it hit me like a napkin slid into my back pocket. There was a conspiracy at hand here between this girl, her sister, and this asshole I had to work with. Apparently, this "asshole" thought it'd be a great idea if he would play matchmaker. ...and did it work. In that time since, I spent a year back in Pennsylvania, blown my savings from college, and came crawling back to my Grandma. Unfortunately, due to personal problems, the girl couldn't come back with me. Eventually, she cracked from the distance of our relationship. There were other minor factors at stake, but she's far from the seasoned pro at long distance that I am. What makes this relevant is she grew to distance me because of my lack of perception of reality.
Where am I going with this? I'm not really all that sure.
I'm 26 and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with reality. In the most simplest way possible, I have a crippling addiction to the internet. I am unemployed and living off my grandmother once more. I am just so attached on a social level to all these memories of something I use to have within the last 10 years. Friends I have known since I was six, I've blown off for these petty attachments online because when I was online, I felt like I was really me: Powerful and unrestricted. I have this warped perception of self now. I feel like I'm twenty years older and everything is downhill from here. I find myself staying up way later than I probably should, suffering from an internal breakdown and having no one to vent it on. Because of this, I don't have the necessary rest to function properly during the day. ...and so my return to college suffers. In fact, I'm finding a hard time locating a reason to keep on going to class.
But even then, that's not why I'm writing this.
I want to remember what friends feel like.
It's funny how when I'm at my lowest, I find myself crawling back to old habits.
I started at Zenrei, first changing the password and then demolishing the broken S1 style and browsed backwards - one post at a time. I was 18 and 19 at the time and living with my parents. I was also drawn into this incredibly false reality and everything was so awesome. It was mostly a bunch of posts of me manwhoring it up, jumping from one internet whore to the next. This is just a generalization though. Most of them really weren't whores. I was just a piece of shit.
I moved onto Shungokusatsu next, going through the same routine of password changing and breaking the old style to make it all readable. I was maybe 21 here? A lot of memories of when I went to Jamestown Business College came rushing back. This also was when I traded off my one addiction of internet stardom and RP for another: World of Warcraft. Exchanging addictions is a shitty way to dodge reality. Maybe it was for the best or worst? I don't know anymore. As far as that livejournal was concerned, I was generally a very positive guy. This alone was progress in the right direction from those posts I had written back in PA under Zenrei. The most recent post had said I was moving on to another livejournal: Kaioken...this one. I remembered that much, but for that instant I had forgotten the pain I left behind.
It took three seconds to remember. As I started stepping backwards, I could feel that all too familiar ache in my chest. Post by post, I drew closer to the date: January 11th, 2008. Has it been three years since I was crippled by something that should have never happened? Every day for a week I had made a post reflecting the different stages of that pain and accompanied by a youtube video of a song I was listening to at the time. Even right now, I can feel my eyes watering as I think about it. There's a gaping hole there that I desperately tried to fill since then. I find myself blindly hoping that sometime we'd meet at the middle again, resolve that whole situation and be adults about the whole thing. The reality of it though is that I crossed a line I shouldn't have and now our friendship is nothing more than a sneaking game. Reality - something I have a hard time coming to terms with.
Sometime after all of that, I met a girl at the job I was working at the time. I had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. Really, spending the next two years with this girl was the last thing on my mind. Then it hit me like a napkin slid into my back pocket. There was a conspiracy at hand here between this girl, her sister, and this asshole I had to work with. Apparently, this "asshole" thought it'd be a great idea if he would play matchmaker. ...and did it work. In that time since, I spent a year back in Pennsylvania, blown my savings from college, and came crawling back to my Grandma. Unfortunately, due to personal problems, the girl couldn't come back with me. Eventually, she cracked from the distance of our relationship. There were other minor factors at stake, but she's far from the seasoned pro at long distance that I am. What makes this relevant is she grew to distance me because of my lack of perception of reality.
Where am I going with this? I'm not really all that sure.
I'm 26 and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with reality. In the most simplest way possible, I have a crippling addiction to the internet. I am unemployed and living off my grandmother once more. I am just so attached on a social level to all these memories of something I use to have within the last 10 years. Friends I have known since I was six, I've blown off for these petty attachments online because when I was online, I felt like I was really me: Powerful and unrestricted. I have this warped perception of self now. I feel like I'm twenty years older and everything is downhill from here. I find myself staying up way later than I probably should, suffering from an internal breakdown and having no one to vent it on. Because of this, I don't have the necessary rest to function properly during the day. ...and so my return to college suffers. In fact, I'm finding a hard time locating a reason to keep on going to class.
But even then, that's not why I'm writing this.
I want to remember what friends feel like.