It's 3am as usual...
*Note that the following is only here for therapeutic purposes, needs no response and is not open to discussion. I'm having a moment and need to release. Thank you*
I've been told at times that I really have my shit together. This both true and false. I am a strong individual who despite his objections to competition and boasting, who loves to win. I work hard to win and hate to lose even more than I love to win. I lose gracefully and I lose terribly. I respect the victor when I am bested but always look for the way to crush him the next we meet. I am a strong independent person who loves who he is and loves his life, perhaps not as much as he outwardly displays and perhaps shows but whom does. And yet like all things in this world, I have a weakness.
It makes me a child. A whiny selfish child who cannot let go of the control he enjoys. Who worst of all has no idea what he wants but wants with such passion. And god has this cost me. I'm always afraid of what it COULD cost me. And of course I continue the pattern that leads me to this state, I try to control the weakness and complete the circle.
So yes and no. I have much of my mental/personal shit down to a science. Its that one thing, that one easy to ignore thing that just makes me lose my shit and wonder why. Makes me question every small thing about a particular subject and myself. Where this came from I don't know. Childhood? My lack of one? The depraved and frightening teenage years I spent with loss and despair. The difficult recovery? All of the above? It may be as plain as day to some but it very well not be important as the past is what it is; the past.
I'm not dealing with it well. Many can attest to that. It drives people away as many can further comment on. Its a giant discouragement to want to be near me. It's unhealthy to say the lest but worst of all I am lost in knowing what to do with it or about it. That I cant control it dries me insane and further adds to the problem - amplifies the sensations until im ready to one day explode. Who docent but I need help.
I need to be rid of this, to master this before I push more away from me. The road this leads down sometimes is as clear as day to me. I need help before it drives away the people who care about me, drives away the people who I care about and before I lose someone. I need help but like a shipwreck victim in the middle of the Atlantic, all i have is an inter tube and have no direction. I am lost.
I cant lose you all, I cant lose myself. I wont lose her.
I wont. I need help.
Damn my crippling flaws.
I've been told at times that I really have my shit together. This both true and false. I am a strong individual who despite his objections to competition and boasting, who loves to win. I work hard to win and hate to lose even more than I love to win. I lose gracefully and I lose terribly. I respect the victor when I am bested but always look for the way to crush him the next we meet. I am a strong independent person who loves who he is and loves his life, perhaps not as much as he outwardly displays and perhaps shows but whom does. And yet like all things in this world, I have a weakness.
It makes me a child. A whiny selfish child who cannot let go of the control he enjoys. Who worst of all has no idea what he wants but wants with such passion. And god has this cost me. I'm always afraid of what it COULD cost me. And of course I continue the pattern that leads me to this state, I try to control the weakness and complete the circle.
So yes and no. I have much of my mental/personal shit down to a science. Its that one thing, that one easy to ignore thing that just makes me lose my shit and wonder why. Makes me question every small thing about a particular subject and myself. Where this came from I don't know. Childhood? My lack of one? The depraved and frightening teenage years I spent with loss and despair. The difficult recovery? All of the above? It may be as plain as day to some but it very well not be important as the past is what it is; the past.
I'm not dealing with it well. Many can attest to that. It drives people away as many can further comment on. Its a giant discouragement to want to be near me. It's unhealthy to say the lest but worst of all I am lost in knowing what to do with it or about it. That I cant control it dries me insane and further adds to the problem - amplifies the sensations until im ready to one day explode. Who docent but I need help.
I need to be rid of this, to master this before I push more away from me. The road this leads down sometimes is as clear as day to me. I need help before it drives away the people who care about me, drives away the people who I care about and before I lose someone. I need help but like a shipwreck victim in the middle of the Atlantic, all i have is an inter tube and have no direction. I am lost.
I cant lose you all, I cant lose myself. I wont lose her.
I wont. I need help.
Damn my crippling flaws.