Soooo, I'm a girl now?
I shouldn't say it like a question
It's a statement, dammit
It doesn't mean I'm changing the way I dress, the way I act
the way I have my hair
all these things are this way right now because I like them this way
button down shirts, kakkhi pants, hair down or in a pony tail
waist length
and the colors are all pretty tomboy so
I guess that's what I am
because I've been fighting it for years
It doesn't mean I want surgery
I'm okay with the dangly bits
it doesn't mean I want any medical intervention
I'm all for breasts
breasts are AMAZING
but I like my flat chest
even if it is pretty numb and insensitive
and I'd prolly bind if I had breasts anyway
and the body hair is amusing
the facial hair has to go, but
even then that's something that plenty of people do
who aren't transwhatever
and I don't need to tell the world
not everyone has to know
it's none of their business really
and I don't care if most people misgender me
especially family
and work
what they don't know won't hurt them
life is complicated
MY life is complicated
the less people who know
the less explaining I do
the less drama to deal with
this is pretty much all opposite of the normal transgender experience
and this isn't a PHASE
I've been pushing through this for years, getting to this point
this goes back to forever
so, all that changed is, what really?
what changed?
pronouns?
Anything else I'm missing?
I'm still the same me
I still love the same stuff
the same people
the same damn damn research that drives me nuts
infront of the microscope all day looking at bugs and bug dick
and I love it anyway
maybe what changed is some sort of allowance
of genuine-ness (?)
or confidence
or locked-in-ness
or even some comfort in making sense
that really pissed me off you know
to fight for this gender queer identity for years
to push outside a gender binary
and at the end find myself landed
in that very own gender binary
albeit atypical in presentation
Jenny told me as I was figuring this out
People will start to see you as a tomboy
the clothes will seem like butch girls clothes
and
Except for that paisley shirt
that you love so much
That's girly as fuck
and isn't that what I felt like all along
if I really look back and check?
Jenny also gave me this koan
The woman who is the true woman has no sex
which I think means
whatever a woman does
that's what a woman does
so this is all okay
I'm a girl
a tomboy slightly butch with femmy side girl
who doesn't care if most people know
and doesn't care about Passing
because she's no Imitation
which is what Passing sounds like to me
and I'm okay with that
nothing much changed
outwardly
nothing much will change outwardly
whole lot of shit locked in sense inwardly
and that feels really good
It's a statement, dammit
It doesn't mean I'm changing the way I dress, the way I act
the way I have my hair
all these things are this way right now because I like them this way
button down shirts, kakkhi pants, hair down or in a pony tail
waist length
and the colors are all pretty tomboy so
I guess that's what I am
because I've been fighting it for years
It doesn't mean I want surgery
I'm okay with the dangly bits
it doesn't mean I want any medical intervention
I'm all for breasts
breasts are AMAZING
but I like my flat chest
even if it is pretty numb and insensitive
and I'd prolly bind if I had breasts anyway
and the body hair is amusing
the facial hair has to go, but
even then that's something that plenty of people do
who aren't transwhatever
and I don't need to tell the world
not everyone has to know
it's none of their business really
and I don't care if most people misgender me
especially family
and work
what they don't know won't hurt them
life is complicated
MY life is complicated
the less people who know
the less explaining I do
the less drama to deal with
this is pretty much all opposite of the normal transgender experience
and this isn't a PHASE
I've been pushing through this for years, getting to this point
this goes back to forever
so, all that changed is, what really?
what changed?
pronouns?
Anything else I'm missing?
I'm still the same me
I still love the same stuff
the same people
the same damn damn research that drives me nuts
infront of the microscope all day looking at bugs and bug dick
and I love it anyway
maybe what changed is some sort of allowance
of genuine-ness (?)
or confidence
or locked-in-ness
or even some comfort in making sense
that really pissed me off you know
to fight for this gender queer identity for years
to push outside a gender binary
and at the end find myself landed
in that very own gender binary
albeit atypical in presentation
Jenny told me as I was figuring this out
People will start to see you as a tomboy
the clothes will seem like butch girls clothes
and
Except for that paisley shirt
that you love so much
That's girly as fuck
and isn't that what I felt like all along
if I really look back and check?
Jenny also gave me this koan
The woman who is the true woman has no sex
which I think means
whatever a woman does
that's what a woman does
so this is all okay
I'm a girl
a tomboy slightly butch with femmy side girl
who doesn't care if most people know
and doesn't care about Passing
because she's no Imitation
which is what Passing sounds like to me
and I'm okay with that
nothing much changed
outwardly
nothing much will change outwardly
whole lot of shit locked in sense inwardly
and that feels really good