May 23, 2005 20:22
As I type this sentence, my final assignment of high school is in the process of coming out of my printer. There...it just finished. It’s over. My last homework assignment of high school is over. Science Olympiad, for all official purposes, has ended. Cross-country was done long ago. I went to the last bio club meeting today, and my last writing center. I saw my dance teacher for what may perhaps be the last time. Classes, at least academically, are through. After tomorrow, they will be completely done with.
I thought this wouldn’t feel real. Usually big events don’t-deaths, births, coming of age events. I guess though, that this isn’t just a “big event.” That is, high school graduation is a big event, but all the things that come with it aren’t. My parents and I planned all my airline travel for my first semester of college yesterday. It was only then that it hit me that I’d really be leaving. I realized I don’t quite feel ready.
My life, as I’ve known it for the last four years (and in some ways since I started sixth grade [that was the time when I really began to get into academics]), is ending.
This scares me.
Someone asked me a little while ago if I liked high school. My immediate reaction was, “I love it.” That seemed strange, as the last four years haven’t exactly been all cupcakes and lilacs. Freshman year, although I did not realize it then, I was pretty alone and sad. Jr. year I was a basket case for the most part, and until winter break this year, I was the equivalent of a bulk shipment of basket cases (*wonders what the etymology of basket case is). Upon further reflection, I realized that the reason I answered yes so quickly was that outside of a few family engagements, school has been the basis of my life for the last four years-it brought me cross country, Science Olympiad, my friends, my sense of identity...hours of homework to occupy my time-and I love my life. (Condensed form: school=life for all practical purposes: I love life: therefore, I love school).
I feel like when school ends, part of my life will end...and I don’t know it will be replaced with yet.
Now, I’m not petrified...the fear I have is a more subtle one. It’s one that creeps up on me when I least expect it-when I walk out of a room for what is possibly the last time, or when I see someone in the hallways whose hair has fascinated me for the last four years and realize I will miss many years of their hair’s transitions (or perhaps all of them). And it’s not a violent fear...but a curious one, like the type I got before I’d get English papers back sophomore year. That year, the papers meant a lot to me, the comments were generally positive and the marks good. But there was always that dread that I had made some terrible mistake in its composition that would ruin my feeling of security in the class...
I also realize that it’s not like the minute I walk out of NT it will suddenly develop a force field around it that will keep me out forver. Even if that force field did develop, I’d still be forced out (ha [but that was a pretty bad stretch]) of NT with the vast majority of my friends. But I also know, I’ll never get it back-never get back free periods with the sun shining through the windows outside of the English office o the thrice-weekly conversations with my two custodian-friends. And as I said before, that’s been my life.
But the end is inevitable (unless I figure out some way to get held back...not that I’d really want to be), and overall, I guess I’m glad about it. Plus, in addition to having my friends outside of that imaginary force field, I’ll have myself-and my life-too.
Well...I guess I’m off to boldly go where no E-beth has gone before
(in two days at least)
-eww