We Can Make It: The Handbook for the Unemployed
Recently, I found a job. But BEFORE that, three things happened.
1) I learned how to make screencaps.
2) I got sort of depressed and needed a way to cheer up.
3) I got tired of job hunting.
SO, as a result, I made this picspam. It's silly. But hopefully it will be funny to people other than me. I had a fun time putting it together, so I hope you find it amusing ;D
PLEASE remember that this is a joke and that you shouldn't ACTUALLY follow this "advice". I'm sure you're all smart enough to realize that this is sarcasm, not serious, but I've met people... 0.0
Thanks to everyone who helped out by contributing their pics! <3
Without further ado...
Have you been pulling your hair out in utter frustration? Sick of filling out applications and writing résumés only to be denied before even getting an interview? Times are hard. Many are suffering from the effects of the recession. But don’t give up! All you need is a little help from Arashi! Just follow these five steps and you’ll STEP and GO from the unemployment line into the working world!
STEP 1: Look everywhere!
Hate children? Apply at a preschool! Does the smell of garbage make you gag? Apply to be a garbage collector! You might be trying to find work at a place where you can have fun and be content with, or maybe you’re just looking for something decent, but remember, there’s always the chance that something about those jobs will suck! Maybe you won’t get along with your boss, or maybe it will require lighter skin and they’ll forbid you from your true love of fishing. So why not get ahead of the game by applying for jobs you’d hate?
Don’t rule out those jobs that would make your life a living hell!
STEP 2: Be a creeper!
Persistence is the key. Most likely, you have heard this advice before: don’t wait for them to call you; after sending in an application, contact them (multiple times if you need to) until you reach an ultimatum - either they tell you once and for all that they aren’t hiring, or they see your dedication and determination and agree to schedule an interview. Annoy the hell out of them!
But you don’t want to just get their attention - you want to burn your memory deep into their very souls.
If you want to be hired, you’ll need to take it to the next level. Don’t just call them - find out the private phone numbers of all of the managers and call them multiple times a day. Don’t just stop by the store to talk to the hiring manager - look up their home address and stalk them, hanging around outside of their house all night, watching them through their windows. Don’t just leave your résumé - mail it to them in red envelopes with a tarot card or with a cryptic note from a classic tragedy, such as Faust. It won’t take long for them to be so terrified of you that they agree to any demands you make.*
*Results may vary. To some, such behavior may be considered a “danger to society” and could lead to police involvement. We suggest making any necessary preparations to flee the country to a continent with higher employment rates in case such instances occur. Please read disclaimer in the back of the book.
STEP 3: Dress to impress!
Congratulations, you’ve gotten an interview!
Unfortunately, many fall short at this stage as well, and you still might not get the job.
But fear not! All you have to do is impress them during the interview. Employers are looking for people who can get things done - people who know how to highlight their strengths. But the first impression is always the most important, be mindful of the way you dress.
Fear not! All you have to do is consider the most appropriate attire and make your decision. There are so many styles that you can choose from! Including...
...You're doing great! Which ties in to our next step...
STEP 4: Lie your ass off!
For example, many companies ask you to fill out a questionnaire.
Some may argue that interviewers will be more impressed by sincerity. HAH. If you’re trying to sell overpriced strawberries to an elderly woman and she asked if it was worth the price, would you say “Hell no, the place down the street has strawberries that are much fresher and yummier and for half the cost”? No! You would say “But of course, madam. Please, taste my strawberries, the finest fruit around!”
W-wait. Stop snickering. I didn't mean it like that.
Hey, come on, this is supposed to be helping people! Don't make this perverted!
*sigh* You two are so immature. I should have done this with Kinki Kids instead.
You people should really learn a thing or two from your senpais!
.....................
STEP 5: Follow up!
The interview may be over, but the follow-up is just as important! Call back. Go back and see them. Repeat Step 2. Now is the time to suck up. Praise them. Build a shrine in their name. Most importantly, let them know just how much you appreciate the opportunity.
"Hello, you've reached the home of Hiring Manager-san and his loving but highly jealous and suspicious Wife-san. We can't come to the phone right now, but please leave a message at the sound of the beep.
*Hiring Manager-san and Wife-san return from a lovely evening out*
Wife: WHO THE HELL IS THIS, YOU CHEATING BASTARD!
And there you have it! Five ways that are guaranteed to get you hired! Or arrested. Just follow the example that Arashi has set for us! After all, they are currently the biggest group in Japan, and-
Arashi: Oh, but we didn’t have to do anything like this!
Me: ........What?
Arashi: Yeah, Johnny-san was just like YOU-TACHI ARE GOING TO HAWAII and we had our debut. :D
...Damn. Well, that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from them. Just remember all of the things that Arashi has taught us! Like...
Speak clearly, because communication is key!
Always show up on time!
Take the initiative!
No slacking off!
Mind your manners!
And just be yourself!
...Unless you fail.
If that’s the case, there’s only one option.
TRANSFORM!
~THE END!~
Thanks for all of the congratulations on my getting employed! :D And to those of you who really are searching and having as hard a time as I had, I wish you the best :)
Oh yeah, and HAPPY NINO DAY! (yesterday I kept thinking, wow, everyone's celebrating a day ahead, they're really getting into it... and then I remembered, OH YEAH, TIMEZONES! /failz)
1) I learned how to make screencaps.
2) I got sort of depressed and needed a way to cheer up.
3) I got tired of job hunting.
SO, as a result, I made this picspam. It's silly. But hopefully it will be funny to people other than me. I had a fun time putting it together, so I hope you find it amusing ;D
PLEASE remember that this is a joke and that you shouldn't ACTUALLY follow this "advice". I'm sure you're all smart enough to realize that this is sarcasm, not serious, but I've met people... 0.0
Thanks to everyone who helped out by contributing their pics! <3
Without further ado...
Have you been pulling your hair out in utter frustration? Sick of filling out applications and writing résumés only to be denied before even getting an interview? Times are hard. Many are suffering from the effects of the recession. But don’t give up! All you need is a little help from Arashi! Just follow these five steps and you’ll STEP and GO from the unemployment line into the working world!
STEP 1: Look everywhere!
Hate children? Apply at a preschool! Does the smell of garbage make you gag? Apply to be a garbage collector! You might be trying to find work at a place where you can have fun and be content with, or maybe you’re just looking for something decent, but remember, there’s always the chance that something about those jobs will suck! Maybe you won’t get along with your boss, or maybe it will require lighter skin and they’ll forbid you from your true love of fishing. So why not get ahead of the game by applying for jobs you’d hate?
Don’t rule out those jobs that would make your life a living hell!
STEP 2: Be a creeper!
Persistence is the key. Most likely, you have heard this advice before: don’t wait for them to call you; after sending in an application, contact them (multiple times if you need to) until you reach an ultimatum - either they tell you once and for all that they aren’t hiring, or they see your dedication and determination and agree to schedule an interview. Annoy the hell out of them!
But you don’t want to just get their attention - you want to burn your memory deep into their very souls.
If you want to be hired, you’ll need to take it to the next level. Don’t just call them - find out the private phone numbers of all of the managers and call them multiple times a day. Don’t just stop by the store to talk to the hiring manager - look up their home address and stalk them, hanging around outside of their house all night, watching them through their windows. Don’t just leave your résumé - mail it to them in red envelopes with a tarot card or with a cryptic note from a classic tragedy, such as Faust. It won’t take long for them to be so terrified of you that they agree to any demands you make.*
*Results may vary. To some, such behavior may be considered a “danger to society” and could lead to police involvement. We suggest making any necessary preparations to flee the country to a continent with higher employment rates in case such instances occur. Please read disclaimer in the back of the book.
STEP 3: Dress to impress!
Congratulations, you’ve gotten an interview!
Unfortunately, many fall short at this stage as well, and you still might not get the job.
But fear not! All you have to do is impress them during the interview. Employers are looking for people who can get things done - people who know how to highlight their strengths. But the first impression is always the most important, be mindful of the way you dress.
Fear not! All you have to do is consider the most appropriate attire and make your decision. There are so many styles that you can choose from! Including...
...You're doing great! Which ties in to our next step...
STEP 4: Lie your ass off!
For example, many companies ask you to fill out a questionnaire.
Some may argue that interviewers will be more impressed by sincerity. HAH. If you’re trying to sell overpriced strawberries to an elderly woman and she asked if it was worth the price, would you say “Hell no, the place down the street has strawberries that are much fresher and yummier and for half the cost”? No! You would say “But of course, madam. Please, taste my strawberries, the finest fruit around!”
W-wait. Stop snickering. I didn't mean it like that.
Hey, come on, this is supposed to be helping people! Don't make this perverted!
*sigh* You two are so immature. I should have done this with Kinki Kids instead.
You people should really learn a thing or two from your senpais!
.....................
STEP 5: Follow up!
The interview may be over, but the follow-up is just as important! Call back. Go back and see them. Repeat Step 2. Now is the time to suck up. Praise them. Build a shrine in their name. Most importantly, let them know just how much you appreciate the opportunity.
"Hello, you've reached the home of Hiring Manager-san and his loving but highly jealous and suspicious Wife-san. We can't come to the phone right now, but please leave a message at the sound of the beep.
*Hiring Manager-san and Wife-san return from a lovely evening out*
Wife: WHO THE HELL IS THIS, YOU CHEATING BASTARD!
And there you have it! Five ways that are guaranteed to get you hired! Or arrested. Just follow the example that Arashi has set for us! After all, they are currently the biggest group in Japan, and-
Arashi: Oh, but we didn’t have to do anything like this!
Me: ........What?
Arashi: Yeah, Johnny-san was just like YOU-TACHI ARE GOING TO HAWAII and we had our debut. :D
...Damn. Well, that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from them. Just remember all of the things that Arashi has taught us! Like...
Speak clearly, because communication is key!
Always show up on time!
Take the initiative!
No slacking off!
Mind your manners!
And just be yourself!
...Unless you fail.
If that’s the case, there’s only one option.
TRANSFORM!
~THE END!~
Thanks for all of the congratulations on my getting employed! :D And to those of you who really are searching and having as hard a time as I had, I wish you the best :)
Oh yeah, and HAPPY NINO DAY! (yesterday I kept thinking, wow, everyone's celebrating a day ahead, they're really getting into it... and then I remembered, OH YEAH, TIMEZONES! /failz)