[series] Fool's Curiosity: Questioning (In)sanity
Title: Questioning (In)sanity
Series: Fool’s Curiosity
Pairing: Ohmiya; general OT5
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Word Count: 3206
Summary: Sequel to Answering the Big Questions, Strawberry Jam, and Sparks and Boom and Fire -- Some people cross the line between genius and insanity. Aiba aims a whisk at the line and determines how great the distance truly is by measuring it with his coffeepot (because the oven was too big to carry with him).
Notes: I had a horrible day yesterday, so I thought, what better way to cheer me up than to post the next installment of this fic full of stereotypes and craziness?
I’m seriously amazed at the response these things have gotten. Huge thanks to everyone reading! I can’t really call them ‘one-shots’ anymore, though XD so from now on, this crazy series of one-shots that never seems to end will be known as the “Fool’s Curiosity Series” :D :D :D
This is the fourth part following Answering the Big Questions, Strawberry Jam, and a comment!fic. You might find references to them, but you do NOT have to read those to understand this. If you'd rather read the other parts first, you can find them here!
“Aiba, we have put up with your crazy experiments for years. We didn’t complain you did mirrorman and birdman and whatever else, we didn’t let Jun kill you when you ruined all of our underwear by dipping our clothes in liquid nitrogen, we let you turn your toaster into a gay detector, we let you turn your microwave and Nino’s DS into a robot-“
“No we didn’t,” grumbled the owner of said DS.
“-And we didn’t even complain when both of those machines - not including the later ‘versions’ - exploded, caught on fire, and caused mass panic throughout the Jimusho.”
“Oh, so that’s what that screaming you were doing was, Sho?” Jun asked with a chuckle. “That was you not complaining about the inventions and explosions and fire?”
Sho sighed.
“Only the first one caused mass panic!” Aiba insisted. “The robot made you panic, but that’s perfectly normal. No one panicked until Nino told Chinen that Leader got caught in the fire and didn’t make it, and he started crying and running around saying ‘Ohno-kun is dead!’”
Three pairs of eyes turned to glare at Nino, while one pair gazed at him in confusion. Nino shrugged and sighed, “Obviously, I meant that my Taka was engulfed in the flames of love. It’s not my fault the runt misunderstood.”
“Then I guess it couldn’t have been helped,” Ohno said agreeably. Sho, Aiba, and Jun chose to ignore the frisking hands on their oblivious leader, or Nino’s contorted grin as he snickered.
“My point,” Sho said weakly, trying to urge them back to the subject, “is that regardless of Arashi’s sales or popularity, I’m pretty sure that we’ll be fired or something if someone has to call the fire department. Again. We told you last time that we shouldn’t do any more of these, yet you barge into our room again with a coffeemaker and… ugh, why a coffeemaker?”
Aiba rolled his eyes. “Well, duh, Sho-chan. The oven was way too big to carry with me.”
Sho buried his face into his hands and moaned. “I meant, why exactly are you taking all of your kitchen appliances and altering them into weird, pointless contraptions?”
“Because you’re all idiots,” a voice boomed from the door. Nagase Tomoya was leaning against the doorpost, arms crossed. “Are you making coffee? I want some.”
“But this one’s not pointless!” Aiba told them, waving to Naga-nii before continuing, “Seriously, it’s really useful and everything! We just need to run a few tests, and I might be able to size it down to one of those handheld blender things. And then, if all goes well, it’d be so amazing that we could even mass market it and sell it for tons of profit!”
Jun shook his head, pushing the machine back to Aiba. “Sho-kun has a point, you know. If this one catches fire, too, we’ll all be in a lot of trouble.”
“This one can’t catch on fire!” Aiba said before muttered under his breath, “Electrical shock, maybe, but I don’t think it’d cause a fire…”
“Aiba-chan, let’s do something called looking ahead,” Sho pleaded, placing both hands on Aiba’s shoulders and looking him straight in the eye. “Remember the fires, the panicking, and the trouble we got in as a result of your other experiments? Remember the angry Nino who made you buy him a new DS, new games, and is practically making you his servant as revenge? This will probably all happen again if you continue doing these experiments. Do you see the big picture now?”
Aiba gulped, slowly turning his head to glance at Nino. Nino was frozen in place, leaning against Ohno with a thoughtful frown. His eye was twitching. “Profit?”
Sho groaned while Aiba smiled brightly. “Yup, profit! If we do this right, everyone in the Jimusho will be lining up to buy one!”
Jun and Ohno leaned closer to examine the machine. The five measurements on the side of the coffeepot were labeled with a marker from one to five, and beside the five, Aiba had written Very Very Danger. A long cable hung out from inside the top and was attached to a wire whisk. When Aiba first walked in, he pushed a button to turn the machine on and pointed the whisk at Nino, and soon after, the pot reached the Very Very Danger level near the top with water, and quickly overflowed onto the table.
“What does this one do?” Naga-nii asked, still at the door. “If it catches on fire again, can we put a grill over it and cook some yakiniku?”
Aiba grinned, announcing in a dramatic voice, “So you’re walking down the street, minding your own business, when from out of nowhere, a fangirl pops out! And you think, ‘if only I had some way of knowing when there’s a crazy fan nearby…’ You’ve thought it, right? Haven’t you?”
“Get on with it,” Nino snapped.
At the same time, Nagase nodded vigorously. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked down the Jimusho halls, eating my cup of noodles, only to have some kouhai come up and ask me if they can have some. Can’t they let me eat in peace?”
“Those aren’t really fans,” Sho mumbled while Aiba clapped.
“For those times, I present: The F.I.R. - the Fan Infatuation Radar! See this eggbeater? The whisk detects all levels of crazy or obsession within a mile radius. Then, the water starts dripping down to show you the exact amount of crazy in the area. If there’s not much water, you’re safe, but if it fills up, it’s berry berry denjaa!”
“Wow, what a convenient item,” Nino snorted. “You expect people to walk around with a big coffee machine that spills out water hooked up to an egg whisk in their pocket?”
Aiba frowned. “This is just the pro-toes-type.”
“Prototype,” Sho scowled from behind him. “Nino’s right, I do need to stop teaching you words.”
“So I still need to run some tests,” Aiba continued, ignoring Sho’s rant on the proper usage of language. “After that, I’m gonna try to make a new, improved version out of something smaller, like a DS-s-s-something like a small electric beater? With a display screen made from… an… old cell phone?”
Nino was glaring with the Unspoken Oath of Vengeance, so Aiba quickly covered, “B-but with this one, you could still use it in a dressing room or on set or something! Like, say you’re in a room with Ohno, and Chinen gets closer…”
The Unspoken Oath of Vengeance was still in full effect, but no longer directed at Aiba. “Did you test it on that brat already?” Nino asked through clenched teeth.
Aiba nodded. “He was the first test subject. He reached the Very Very Danger line. But when I came in just now, I turned it on and pointed it at you, and your level was so high, you made the pot overflow!”
“Then this one must work, too!” Nino said with a smile, squeezing Ohno.
“I liked your other one better,” Ohno input, although everyone was pretty sure that it has less to do with Aiba’s alterations, and more to do with the first machine making toast.
“Sorry to ruin your fun,” Jun said, “but I doubt you’ll find anyone stupid enough to be willing to buy this thing.”
“Does it work with juniors and food?” Naga-nii inquired.
Aiba scratched his chin thoughtfully, glancing down at the machine. “No idea! But I’ll try it and see!”
“If it does, I’ll take five. Damn brats, trying to steal my noodles…”
Jun sighed while Nino gave a happy smirk. “Silly Matsujun! Who said anything about trying to sell it to sensible people? Why do that when we have an entire Jimusho full of gullible colleagues as potential patrons? Hey, Oh-chan, this coffeemaker can detect fans and food within a mile radius! And you might be able to program it to search for the best fishing spots. You should buy one.”
Ohno beamed. “Okay!”
“Seriously?” Naga-nii gasped. “I’m changing my order. Get me twelve of ‘em!”
Nino grinned triumphantly, and Jun broke out a wry smile. “If you guys end up in jail for fraud or something, I’m not going to post bail or even try getting you out,” Sho warned.
Aiba clapped once, letting out a triumphant squeal before dumping out the water in the machine to reset it. “So, since we don’t have much time, I thought we’d go to the other groups’ dressing rooms and detect the levels of craziness in the groups overall, instead of just individuals. See, you just push this button at the top, and it switches from targeting a single person to wide-ranged!”
After hitting the button, Aiba skipped out the door, coffee machine in hand, the others following him out. Nagase nudged Sho in the ribs, whispering, “I’m coming with you guys. But I want the real stuff. If all I get is decaf, you idiots are in trouble.”
Sho just nodded mutely.
He almost crashed into the others in front of him when they stopped suddenly, Aiba’s machine going off again when they reached the door to another dressing room.
“I’ve never seen it fill up that fast!” Aiba giggled. “We should go in and investigate to see why the crazy level is so high.”
“Maybe you should see where we are before calling it a mystery,” Jun said, tapping the nameplate next to the door.
Aiba sighed, taking a minute to reset the machine again. “Moving on,” he said, leading the group away from the Kanjani8 dressing room. Aiba made a point to skip over TOKIO’s room as well.
They didn’t stop again until reaching a certain room that made Nino snarl and break out into convulsions. Aiba held up the coffeemaker for the others, and they all watched the water fill up to the brink before trickling out onto the floor.
“I would like some hot coffee right now,” Nino said through clenched teeth, eyes wild. “Scorching hot coffee that could possibly be a part of a terrible accident involving a pint-sized stalker when it slips out of my hands and lands on the little brat’s face-”
“Chinen’s not in there,” Jun announces in a low voice, peaking through the door after cracking it open.
A spark shone in Aiba’s eye. “Now that is interesting! I didn’t think any of the other Hey Say kids would set off the F.I.R. They all seemed normal, but I guess there’s another crazy one in there!”
“Or your machine just doesn’t work,” Sho tried to input, but no one appeared to be listening.
Suddenly the door swung open. “Oh,” Aiba nodded. “That explains it.”
He packed up his machine again and set off down the hall. When Arashi and Nagase were out of sight, the man at the door turned to the younger kids and blinked.
“Arashi are such good senpai, bringing coffee to their kohai,” Takizawa mused with a smile. “Maybe I should try something like that, too!”
The members of Arashi stood in a circle, staring at the device mutely until Sho cleared his throat. “I thought you said this one wouldn’t catch on fire.”
“I thought you said this one would be something useful,” Jun added.
“I thought you said this one would bring in large profits,” Nino scowled.
“I thought you said this one would make me real coffee,” Naga-nii snapped through mouthfuls of meat. “I told you no decaf, damnit.”
Ohno bobbed his head in agreement to it all, but his attention was on the chunks of yakiniku he had just shoved into his mouth. Short flames sprouted out from the top of the coffeemaker, strips of meat sizzling over a grill surface that Nagase had set above the fire.
Aiba scratched his head sheepishly as Jun continued. “I cannot believe I followed you around the Jimusho all day just to see how crazy everyone is, just to find out everyone is crazy. This might be the most pointless thing I’ve ever seen you do, and I was there when you figured out if you could crack an egg on a toy monkey’s cymbals.”
“I can see Aiba carrying around a grill top… sadly,” Sho said, “but Nagase-kun, is there a specific reason for you to be the one with a grill on hand? And… where did this meat even come from?”
Naga-nii swallowed the meat in his mouth and began slurping up his cup noodles, alternating between noodles and meat. “You never know when you’ll need some,” he replied seriously, clicking his shiny chopsticks and wolfing down more meat.
Ohno made a small noise of approval. “Naga-nii, can I try some noodles now?”
“No. Just be thankful I decided you could handle the manliness of the meat.” Naga-nii grabbed the handle of the mug in front of him and sipped, wrinkling his nose. “And stop calling me Naga-nii. Damn decaf…”
“For your next one,” Ohno advised, looking at Aiba, “you should attach tongs or something we can use to grab the meat, instead of a whisk.”
Naga-nii grinned. “Great idea!”
“Does that mean I can try some of your-“
“No.”
“What I want to know is how the coffee machine caught fire in the first place,” said Jun.
Aiba scratched his chin. “All I did was leave it on accidentally when I put it down on the table! Nothing would have… oh. Someone switched the setting from wide-ranged to direct target. And the whisk…”
Everyone turned to look at the whisk, lying innocently on the table, and followed it’s trajectory until their gazes fell upon one Sakurai Sho.
Nino snickered. “Wow, Sho. You don’t only max out in gay and cowardliness, but in craziness as well! So you’re the one who made the coffeepot overflow and the machine spark a fire in mysterious ways!”
“If it were me,” Sho said in his defense, “the machine would’ve detected me while you were scanning the area earlier. Nothing about this invention makes any logical sense at all.”
“Of course not, Sho. It’s not a logic detector; it’s a crazy detector. But don’t worry.” Aiba gave Sho a reassuring pat on the back, but kept his distance warily. “We love you, even if you’re a fanatic or a crazy, gay, scaredy-cat person.”
Everyone took a not-so-subtle step back. Nagase scooted his cup of noodles closer and eyed Sho a warning.
Ohno licked juice that dripped from the meat off of his lips and stood up, taking Nino’s hand nonchalantly. He waved to the others before shuffling away in small steps.
“Huh? Where are we going?” Nino asked distractedly, glancing back at the others, mind whirring with diabolical ways to use the situation to further cause torment to his band mate.
Ohno swung their arms with a content smile. “Dessert?”
Nino grinned, wiping away all evil schemes from his brain and replacing them with curiosities of how well chocolate goes with strawberry jam.
“Why am I the only one confused?” Sho groaned in frustration, rustling his hands through his hair furiously.
Aiba blinked. “But, Sho-chan, I thought you knew about Nino and Ohno. And weren’t you the one who had that talk with Ohno about the birds and the bees? I mean, I can explain it if you want, but-”
“That is not what I meant,” Sho interjected quickly. “I mean more along the lines of your weird experiments, why I’m always the one who gets results like this, how you could even manage to make something like a gay or crazy detector out of a toaster and coffeemaker or a robot out of a microwave and a DS, where the hell did the coffee and food even come from, because Nagase-kun was with us the whole time and it’s like we pulled it out of nowhere…”
“I told you, you never know when you’ll need some noodles or meat,” Naga-nii spoke up. “And the only confusing thing is how it came out as decaf when I told you idiots to make the regular kind. It’s a coffee machine, stupid. Of course it makes coffee.”
Sho fell silent for a minute. “The coffee machine makes coffee. Yes, of course it does.” Sho stepped around Jun and Aiba and started walking to the door, not looking back as he called out to them, “You know what? I think this one really might have been working. Because being with you four for ten years might have truly driven me crazy. I think I’m going to go home and find a nice psychiatrist now.”
“He really does seem confused,” Aiba observed sympathetically. “Poor Sho-chan. I guess he really did forget about what the birds and the bees are. He must not be getting any. Maybe we should explain it for him.”
Jun rolled his eyes. “Maybe you should. But I’m going home now. It’s too bad your coffeemaker caught on fire. I have a model just like this one, and it works really well. It’s expensive, too. I’m surprised you would use one like this, or even own one like this.”
Aiba forced a smile and a laugh. “Y-yeah, too bad. E-expensive, huh? Funny, it didn’t even look special or anything. But oh well. I think I will go make sure Sho’s okay. Bye!”
Jun had narrowed his eyes and looked over the coffeemaker while Aiba was stuttering. At Aiba’s farewell, Jun cracked his knuckles and watched Aiba sprint out the door, after Sho. “This was MY coffeemaker, wasn’t it!” he howled after him.
“Most likely,” Naga-nii said, but Jun was already storming after Aiba.
A man was walking by from the other end of the hall, almost toppling over when the two idols rushed out the door. He peered inside. “Um… could you tell me what you’re doing in Arashi’s dressing room, why there’s another appliance on fire in here, and whether or not I’ll need to send out a search party to find Aiba’s dead body in case Jun catches him and maims him or something?”
Nagase didn’t recognize the guy - one of Arashi’s managers, he guessed. “There’s a fire because Sakurai is crazy, Matsujun probably won’t kill Aiba as long as Aiba buys him a new coffeemaker, and I’m in here because Arashi has some of the best ideas, they just need to switch off of decaf, but I think Aiba just grabbed the wrong kind. Idiot.”
“Oh, okay, if that’s all, then. Just put out the fire before it causes another building-wide panic again, please. Ah, and if you see Ohno and Nino again, could you remind them that fan service is one thing, public indecency is another?”
“Can I keep this thing?”
“What, the coffee machine? I suppose.”
“Then I’ll be happy to pass along the message,” Naga-nii assured him, waving as the manager left. He bit into the last strip of meat before putting out the fire and hauling his belongings with him to TOKIO’s dressing room. He plopped onto the couch and set the machine on his own group’s table, pushing some buttons on it before sitting back and digging into the rest of the noodles in his cup.
“You just try coming after my manly noodles now, idiots,” Naga-nii muttered aloud.
---
A/N: Surprise! Probably weren't expecting to see this thing again, were you? XD
I've said it before, but again: these are written purely for fun, and only if I get an idea. I do have at least one more I'd like to write, but these are NOT a priority. The only reason I finished this one is because I needed something happy after a really rough day. If you liked this one and you're curious about how this thing started, find the "Fool's Curiosity" section in my fic index.
About Dreamcatcher: this week killed me with stress, and the week coming up is looking to do the same, but I WILL have the next DC chapter up sometime next week. For now, I hope you can enjoy this instead~! <3
Series: Fool’s Curiosity
Pairing: Ohmiya; general OT5
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Word Count: 3206
Summary: Sequel to Answering the Big Questions, Strawberry Jam, and Sparks and Boom and Fire -- Some people cross the line between genius and insanity. Aiba aims a whisk at the line and determines how great the distance truly is by measuring it with his coffeepot (because the oven was too big to carry with him).
Notes: I had a horrible day yesterday, so I thought, what better way to cheer me up than to post the next installment of this fic full of stereotypes and craziness?
I’m seriously amazed at the response these things have gotten. Huge thanks to everyone reading! I can’t really call them ‘one-shots’ anymore, though XD so from now on, this crazy series of one-shots that never seems to end will be known as the “Fool’s Curiosity Series” :D :D :D
This is the fourth part following Answering the Big Questions, Strawberry Jam, and a comment!fic. You might find references to them, but you do NOT have to read those to understand this. If you'd rather read the other parts first, you can find them here!
“Aiba, we have put up with your crazy experiments for years. We didn’t complain you did mirrorman and birdman and whatever else, we didn’t let Jun kill you when you ruined all of our underwear by dipping our clothes in liquid nitrogen, we let you turn your toaster into a gay detector, we let you turn your microwave and Nino’s DS into a robot-“
“No we didn’t,” grumbled the owner of said DS.
“-And we didn’t even complain when both of those machines - not including the later ‘versions’ - exploded, caught on fire, and caused mass panic throughout the Jimusho.”
“Oh, so that’s what that screaming you were doing was, Sho?” Jun asked with a chuckle. “That was you not complaining about the inventions and explosions and fire?”
Sho sighed.
“Only the first one caused mass panic!” Aiba insisted. “The robot made you panic, but that’s perfectly normal. No one panicked until Nino told Chinen that Leader got caught in the fire and didn’t make it, and he started crying and running around saying ‘Ohno-kun is dead!’”
Three pairs of eyes turned to glare at Nino, while one pair gazed at him in confusion. Nino shrugged and sighed, “Obviously, I meant that my Taka was engulfed in the flames of love. It’s not my fault the runt misunderstood.”
“Then I guess it couldn’t have been helped,” Ohno said agreeably. Sho, Aiba, and Jun chose to ignore the frisking hands on their oblivious leader, or Nino’s contorted grin as he snickered.
“My point,” Sho said weakly, trying to urge them back to the subject, “is that regardless of Arashi’s sales or popularity, I’m pretty sure that we’ll be fired or something if someone has to call the fire department. Again. We told you last time that we shouldn’t do any more of these, yet you barge into our room again with a coffeemaker and… ugh, why a coffeemaker?”
Aiba rolled his eyes. “Well, duh, Sho-chan. The oven was way too big to carry with me.”
Sho buried his face into his hands and moaned. “I meant, why exactly are you taking all of your kitchen appliances and altering them into weird, pointless contraptions?”
“Because you’re all idiots,” a voice boomed from the door. Nagase Tomoya was leaning against the doorpost, arms crossed. “Are you making coffee? I want some.”
“But this one’s not pointless!” Aiba told them, waving to Naga-nii before continuing, “Seriously, it’s really useful and everything! We just need to run a few tests, and I might be able to size it down to one of those handheld blender things. And then, if all goes well, it’d be so amazing that we could even mass market it and sell it for tons of profit!”
Jun shook his head, pushing the machine back to Aiba. “Sho-kun has a point, you know. If this one catches fire, too, we’ll all be in a lot of trouble.”
“This one can’t catch on fire!” Aiba said before muttered under his breath, “Electrical shock, maybe, but I don’t think it’d cause a fire…”
“Aiba-chan, let’s do something called looking ahead,” Sho pleaded, placing both hands on Aiba’s shoulders and looking him straight in the eye. “Remember the fires, the panicking, and the trouble we got in as a result of your other experiments? Remember the angry Nino who made you buy him a new DS, new games, and is practically making you his servant as revenge? This will probably all happen again if you continue doing these experiments. Do you see the big picture now?”
Aiba gulped, slowly turning his head to glance at Nino. Nino was frozen in place, leaning against Ohno with a thoughtful frown. His eye was twitching. “Profit?”
Sho groaned while Aiba smiled brightly. “Yup, profit! If we do this right, everyone in the Jimusho will be lining up to buy one!”
Jun and Ohno leaned closer to examine the machine. The five measurements on the side of the coffeepot were labeled with a marker from one to five, and beside the five, Aiba had written Very Very Danger. A long cable hung out from inside the top and was attached to a wire whisk. When Aiba first walked in, he pushed a button to turn the machine on and pointed the whisk at Nino, and soon after, the pot reached the Very Very Danger level near the top with water, and quickly overflowed onto the table.
“What does this one do?” Naga-nii asked, still at the door. “If it catches on fire again, can we put a grill over it and cook some yakiniku?”
Aiba grinned, announcing in a dramatic voice, “So you’re walking down the street, minding your own business, when from out of nowhere, a fangirl pops out! And you think, ‘if only I had some way of knowing when there’s a crazy fan nearby…’ You’ve thought it, right? Haven’t you?”
“Get on with it,” Nino snapped.
At the same time, Nagase nodded vigorously. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked down the Jimusho halls, eating my cup of noodles, only to have some kouhai come up and ask me if they can have some. Can’t they let me eat in peace?”
“Those aren’t really fans,” Sho mumbled while Aiba clapped.
“For those times, I present: The F.I.R. - the Fan Infatuation Radar! See this eggbeater? The whisk detects all levels of crazy or obsession within a mile radius. Then, the water starts dripping down to show you the exact amount of crazy in the area. If there’s not much water, you’re safe, but if it fills up, it’s berry berry denjaa!”
“Wow, what a convenient item,” Nino snorted. “You expect people to walk around with a big coffee machine that spills out water hooked up to an egg whisk in their pocket?”
Aiba frowned. “This is just the pro-toes-type.”
“Prototype,” Sho scowled from behind him. “Nino’s right, I do need to stop teaching you words.”
“So I still need to run some tests,” Aiba continued, ignoring Sho’s rant on the proper usage of language. “After that, I’m gonna try to make a new, improved version out of something smaller, like a DS-s-s-something like a small electric beater? With a display screen made from… an… old cell phone?”
Nino was glaring with the Unspoken Oath of Vengeance, so Aiba quickly covered, “B-but with this one, you could still use it in a dressing room or on set or something! Like, say you’re in a room with Ohno, and Chinen gets closer…”
The Unspoken Oath of Vengeance was still in full effect, but no longer directed at Aiba. “Did you test it on that brat already?” Nino asked through clenched teeth.
Aiba nodded. “He was the first test subject. He reached the Very Very Danger line. But when I came in just now, I turned it on and pointed it at you, and your level was so high, you made the pot overflow!”
“Then this one must work, too!” Nino said with a smile, squeezing Ohno.
“I liked your other one better,” Ohno input, although everyone was pretty sure that it has less to do with Aiba’s alterations, and more to do with the first machine making toast.
“Sorry to ruin your fun,” Jun said, “but I doubt you’ll find anyone stupid enough to be willing to buy this thing.”
“Does it work with juniors and food?” Naga-nii inquired.
Aiba scratched his chin thoughtfully, glancing down at the machine. “No idea! But I’ll try it and see!”
“If it does, I’ll take five. Damn brats, trying to steal my noodles…”
Jun sighed while Nino gave a happy smirk. “Silly Matsujun! Who said anything about trying to sell it to sensible people? Why do that when we have an entire Jimusho full of gullible colleagues as potential patrons? Hey, Oh-chan, this coffeemaker can detect fans and food within a mile radius! And you might be able to program it to search for the best fishing spots. You should buy one.”
Ohno beamed. “Okay!”
“Seriously?” Naga-nii gasped. “I’m changing my order. Get me twelve of ‘em!”
Nino grinned triumphantly, and Jun broke out a wry smile. “If you guys end up in jail for fraud or something, I’m not going to post bail or even try getting you out,” Sho warned.
Aiba clapped once, letting out a triumphant squeal before dumping out the water in the machine to reset it. “So, since we don’t have much time, I thought we’d go to the other groups’ dressing rooms and detect the levels of craziness in the groups overall, instead of just individuals. See, you just push this button at the top, and it switches from targeting a single person to wide-ranged!”
After hitting the button, Aiba skipped out the door, coffee machine in hand, the others following him out. Nagase nudged Sho in the ribs, whispering, “I’m coming with you guys. But I want the real stuff. If all I get is decaf, you idiots are in trouble.”
Sho just nodded mutely.
He almost crashed into the others in front of him when they stopped suddenly, Aiba’s machine going off again when they reached the door to another dressing room.
“I’ve never seen it fill up that fast!” Aiba giggled. “We should go in and investigate to see why the crazy level is so high.”
“Maybe you should see where we are before calling it a mystery,” Jun said, tapping the nameplate next to the door.
Aiba sighed, taking a minute to reset the machine again. “Moving on,” he said, leading the group away from the Kanjani8 dressing room. Aiba made a point to skip over TOKIO’s room as well.
They didn’t stop again until reaching a certain room that made Nino snarl and break out into convulsions. Aiba held up the coffeemaker for the others, and they all watched the water fill up to the brink before trickling out onto the floor.
“I would like some hot coffee right now,” Nino said through clenched teeth, eyes wild. “Scorching hot coffee that could possibly be a part of a terrible accident involving a pint-sized stalker when it slips out of my hands and lands on the little brat’s face-”
“Chinen’s not in there,” Jun announces in a low voice, peaking through the door after cracking it open.
A spark shone in Aiba’s eye. “Now that is interesting! I didn’t think any of the other Hey Say kids would set off the F.I.R. They all seemed normal, but I guess there’s another crazy one in there!”
“Or your machine just doesn’t work,” Sho tried to input, but no one appeared to be listening.
Suddenly the door swung open. “Oh,” Aiba nodded. “That explains it.”
He packed up his machine again and set off down the hall. When Arashi and Nagase were out of sight, the man at the door turned to the younger kids and blinked.
“Arashi are such good senpai, bringing coffee to their kohai,” Takizawa mused with a smile. “Maybe I should try something like that, too!”
The members of Arashi stood in a circle, staring at the device mutely until Sho cleared his throat. “I thought you said this one wouldn’t catch on fire.”
“I thought you said this one would be something useful,” Jun added.
“I thought you said this one would bring in large profits,” Nino scowled.
“I thought you said this one would make me real coffee,” Naga-nii snapped through mouthfuls of meat. “I told you no decaf, damnit.”
Ohno bobbed his head in agreement to it all, but his attention was on the chunks of yakiniku he had just shoved into his mouth. Short flames sprouted out from the top of the coffeemaker, strips of meat sizzling over a grill surface that Nagase had set above the fire.
Aiba scratched his head sheepishly as Jun continued. “I cannot believe I followed you around the Jimusho all day just to see how crazy everyone is, just to find out everyone is crazy. This might be the most pointless thing I’ve ever seen you do, and I was there when you figured out if you could crack an egg on a toy monkey’s cymbals.”
“I can see Aiba carrying around a grill top… sadly,” Sho said, “but Nagase-kun, is there a specific reason for you to be the one with a grill on hand? And… where did this meat even come from?”
Naga-nii swallowed the meat in his mouth and began slurping up his cup noodles, alternating between noodles and meat. “You never know when you’ll need some,” he replied seriously, clicking his shiny chopsticks and wolfing down more meat.
Ohno made a small noise of approval. “Naga-nii, can I try some noodles now?”
“No. Just be thankful I decided you could handle the manliness of the meat.” Naga-nii grabbed the handle of the mug in front of him and sipped, wrinkling his nose. “And stop calling me Naga-nii. Damn decaf…”
“For your next one,” Ohno advised, looking at Aiba, “you should attach tongs or something we can use to grab the meat, instead of a whisk.”
Naga-nii grinned. “Great idea!”
“Does that mean I can try some of your-“
“No.”
“What I want to know is how the coffee machine caught fire in the first place,” said Jun.
Aiba scratched his chin. “All I did was leave it on accidentally when I put it down on the table! Nothing would have… oh. Someone switched the setting from wide-ranged to direct target. And the whisk…”
Everyone turned to look at the whisk, lying innocently on the table, and followed it’s trajectory until their gazes fell upon one Sakurai Sho.
Nino snickered. “Wow, Sho. You don’t only max out in gay and cowardliness, but in craziness as well! So you’re the one who made the coffeepot overflow and the machine spark a fire in mysterious ways!”
“If it were me,” Sho said in his defense, “the machine would’ve detected me while you were scanning the area earlier. Nothing about this invention makes any logical sense at all.”
“Of course not, Sho. It’s not a logic detector; it’s a crazy detector. But don’t worry.” Aiba gave Sho a reassuring pat on the back, but kept his distance warily. “We love you, even if you’re a fanatic or a crazy, gay, scaredy-cat person.”
Everyone took a not-so-subtle step back. Nagase scooted his cup of noodles closer and eyed Sho a warning.
Ohno licked juice that dripped from the meat off of his lips and stood up, taking Nino’s hand nonchalantly. He waved to the others before shuffling away in small steps.
“Huh? Where are we going?” Nino asked distractedly, glancing back at the others, mind whirring with diabolical ways to use the situation to further cause torment to his band mate.
Ohno swung their arms with a content smile. “Dessert?”
Nino grinned, wiping away all evil schemes from his brain and replacing them with curiosities of how well chocolate goes with strawberry jam.
“Why am I the only one confused?” Sho groaned in frustration, rustling his hands through his hair furiously.
Aiba blinked. “But, Sho-chan, I thought you knew about Nino and Ohno. And weren’t you the one who had that talk with Ohno about the birds and the bees? I mean, I can explain it if you want, but-”
“That is not what I meant,” Sho interjected quickly. “I mean more along the lines of your weird experiments, why I’m always the one who gets results like this, how you could even manage to make something like a gay or crazy detector out of a toaster and coffeemaker or a robot out of a microwave and a DS, where the hell did the coffee and food even come from, because Nagase-kun was with us the whole time and it’s like we pulled it out of nowhere…”
“I told you, you never know when you’ll need some noodles or meat,” Naga-nii spoke up. “And the only confusing thing is how it came out as decaf when I told you idiots to make the regular kind. It’s a coffee machine, stupid. Of course it makes coffee.”
Sho fell silent for a minute. “The coffee machine makes coffee. Yes, of course it does.” Sho stepped around Jun and Aiba and started walking to the door, not looking back as he called out to them, “You know what? I think this one really might have been working. Because being with you four for ten years might have truly driven me crazy. I think I’m going to go home and find a nice psychiatrist now.”
“He really does seem confused,” Aiba observed sympathetically. “Poor Sho-chan. I guess he really did forget about what the birds and the bees are. He must not be getting any. Maybe we should explain it for him.”
Jun rolled his eyes. “Maybe you should. But I’m going home now. It’s too bad your coffeemaker caught on fire. I have a model just like this one, and it works really well. It’s expensive, too. I’m surprised you would use one like this, or even own one like this.”
Aiba forced a smile and a laugh. “Y-yeah, too bad. E-expensive, huh? Funny, it didn’t even look special or anything. But oh well. I think I will go make sure Sho’s okay. Bye!”
Jun had narrowed his eyes and looked over the coffeemaker while Aiba was stuttering. At Aiba’s farewell, Jun cracked his knuckles and watched Aiba sprint out the door, after Sho. “This was MY coffeemaker, wasn’t it!” he howled after him.
“Most likely,” Naga-nii said, but Jun was already storming after Aiba.
A man was walking by from the other end of the hall, almost toppling over when the two idols rushed out the door. He peered inside. “Um… could you tell me what you’re doing in Arashi’s dressing room, why there’s another appliance on fire in here, and whether or not I’ll need to send out a search party to find Aiba’s dead body in case Jun catches him and maims him or something?”
Nagase didn’t recognize the guy - one of Arashi’s managers, he guessed. “There’s a fire because Sakurai is crazy, Matsujun probably won’t kill Aiba as long as Aiba buys him a new coffeemaker, and I’m in here because Arashi has some of the best ideas, they just need to switch off of decaf, but I think Aiba just grabbed the wrong kind. Idiot.”
“Oh, okay, if that’s all, then. Just put out the fire before it causes another building-wide panic again, please. Ah, and if you see Ohno and Nino again, could you remind them that fan service is one thing, public indecency is another?”
“Can I keep this thing?”
“What, the coffee machine? I suppose.”
“Then I’ll be happy to pass along the message,” Naga-nii assured him, waving as the manager left. He bit into the last strip of meat before putting out the fire and hauling his belongings with him to TOKIO’s dressing room. He plopped onto the couch and set the machine on his own group’s table, pushing some buttons on it before sitting back and digging into the rest of the noodles in his cup.
“You just try coming after my manly noodles now, idiots,” Naga-nii muttered aloud.
---
A/N: Surprise! Probably weren't expecting to see this thing again, were you? XD
I've said it before, but again: these are written purely for fun, and only if I get an idea. I do have at least one more I'd like to write, but these are NOT a priority. The only reason I finished this one is because I needed something happy after a really rough day. If you liked this one and you're curious about how this thing started, find the "Fool's Curiosity" section in my fic index.
About Dreamcatcher: this week killed me with stress, and the week coming up is looking to do the same, but I WILL have the next DC chapter up sometime next week. For now, I hope you can enjoy this instead~! <3