fookin flakes (Chronicle of the Flakes #2)-this entry not worth reading
I'm putting a disclaimer, I don't know if I mean what I want to say.
Fucking flakes, man. That's it. I know I need to consider myself, my naivety, my faults. But DAMN. I'm tired of this. I haven't let it go yet though. And I'll have peace of mind when I'm ready to. This is just to vent, I do not have the right to judge.
Flakes are people that I care about. Sometimes borderline care. Anyway, at some point, I enjoyed their company, then I think they take actions not in the optimum way.
Little girl, you're a flake. I haven't the place to say it, but I think you are incredibly immature. I think that you avoid all problems you've encountered in your life. I think you dont' know how to become a better person because you don't want to think about it. I think you have issues. Some still concerning weight. I heard you speak last year. If anything I remember, I remember that. You scared me. You tried suicide for a cry? You have an empty bottle of laxatives? With your record, I doubt they're for constipation. Why would you pull that? I know you'll just hate me, and I know you think I have no place, and I don't. But again, MY journal, fuck off, I'm writing to VENT. And I know you'll hate this one: you're fine as you are. I think you're a little insane, but aren't we all. I don't understand the esteemness. I don't understand how you can't see that you look fine. And I wanted to help. And you didn't want me to. And I can't force. Heaven knows I need my own, but it doesn't render me unable to do anything I could have for your benefit, which I wanted. Super close or not, I'm allowed to judge how much I care. I enjoyed your personality when you were around. At first, I thought you were a bit on the extreme side of emotional rollercoasters, but it was cool. You were funny. This year, you've changed a lot. I love the sarcasm. Didn't see you often but that happens with close couples. I liked the bonding moments, few and far between as they were, but again, you have your boyfriend. That's cool. I think you're dependent, but I'm making a judgment just cos I'm pissed. Nothing in comparison to the shit you wrote about me, then erased. I don't think you forgive, I don't think you know what it means, and apparently I don't either right now. I think you have a tendency to be dramatic. I think that right now, I'm ruining any chance I had of being friends with you again. I also think you weren't going to give me that chance anyway. I wanted to be friends. And it won't be a horrible loss if not. We're not close. I just wanted to know what you would be comfortable with. I can easily pretend that you do not exist, and that I don't exist in your company, so that I wouldn't get in your way. I can do the nice-thing, but what I really wanted was some sort of understanding. Some way to work things out, but I don't think that's what you want. So sad that I put all this here, but I'm taking my chances. I think I know where they'll go, and I know where I hope.
And the boy. Their bullshit bond. I am thankful that she had him to listen to her. I am glad that they could form a friendship. I am angry because I feel like I've been teamed up on. So here's my retaliation. I think that they are similar in many aspects. Closer to each other than to me, that is obvious. I think the whole situation is fucked up, and no one knows the truth. So people assign people blame. And somehow I ended up with all of it. Because clearly it's my fault that a kid got drunk and kissed a girl when he shouldn't have. I think she's only talking to my considerate friend because they live in the same room. I think that she is a user. And I'm beginning to think that I'm directing more her way because I don't even want to address the boy.
I know that I care much for him. And it seems like a hopeless cause. If someone is halfway flake, does that still make them flake?
I apologize for having vented like this, for the sake of privacy. I do not apologize for using strong words when maybe I shouldn't have. Well, I do, but it's just because I want to know the truth and feel appropriate to it. My point is that she wrote, she has no place to criticize. And for the boy. Don't even get me started on the bullshit you've put down on paper, on email, on anything as an attack. So do not think that you have any right whatsoever. And although I don't have the place or the right. If it were possible, I would think I had more.
To be continued...
Fucking flakes, man. That's it. I know I need to consider myself, my naivety, my faults. But DAMN. I'm tired of this. I haven't let it go yet though. And I'll have peace of mind when I'm ready to. This is just to vent, I do not have the right to judge.
Flakes are people that I care about. Sometimes borderline care. Anyway, at some point, I enjoyed their company, then I think they take actions not in the optimum way.
Little girl, you're a flake. I haven't the place to say it, but I think you are incredibly immature. I think that you avoid all problems you've encountered in your life. I think you dont' know how to become a better person because you don't want to think about it. I think you have issues. Some still concerning weight. I heard you speak last year. If anything I remember, I remember that. You scared me. You tried suicide for a cry? You have an empty bottle of laxatives? With your record, I doubt they're for constipation. Why would you pull that? I know you'll just hate me, and I know you think I have no place, and I don't. But again, MY journal, fuck off, I'm writing to VENT. And I know you'll hate this one: you're fine as you are. I think you're a little insane, but aren't we all. I don't understand the esteemness. I don't understand how you can't see that you look fine. And I wanted to help. And you didn't want me to. And I can't force. Heaven knows I need my own, but it doesn't render me unable to do anything I could have for your benefit, which I wanted. Super close or not, I'm allowed to judge how much I care. I enjoyed your personality when you were around. At first, I thought you were a bit on the extreme side of emotional rollercoasters, but it was cool. You were funny. This year, you've changed a lot. I love the sarcasm. Didn't see you often but that happens with close couples. I liked the bonding moments, few and far between as they were, but again, you have your boyfriend. That's cool. I think you're dependent, but I'm making a judgment just cos I'm pissed. Nothing in comparison to the shit you wrote about me, then erased. I don't think you forgive, I don't think you know what it means, and apparently I don't either right now. I think you have a tendency to be dramatic. I think that right now, I'm ruining any chance I had of being friends with you again. I also think you weren't going to give me that chance anyway. I wanted to be friends. And it won't be a horrible loss if not. We're not close. I just wanted to know what you would be comfortable with. I can easily pretend that you do not exist, and that I don't exist in your company, so that I wouldn't get in your way. I can do the nice-thing, but what I really wanted was some sort of understanding. Some way to work things out, but I don't think that's what you want. So sad that I put all this here, but I'm taking my chances. I think I know where they'll go, and I know where I hope.
And the boy. Their bullshit bond. I am thankful that she had him to listen to her. I am glad that they could form a friendship. I am angry because I feel like I've been teamed up on. So here's my retaliation. I think that they are similar in many aspects. Closer to each other than to me, that is obvious. I think the whole situation is fucked up, and no one knows the truth. So people assign people blame. And somehow I ended up with all of it. Because clearly it's my fault that a kid got drunk and kissed a girl when he shouldn't have. I think she's only talking to my considerate friend because they live in the same room. I think that she is a user. And I'm beginning to think that I'm directing more her way because I don't even want to address the boy.
I know that I care much for him. And it seems like a hopeless cause. If someone is halfway flake, does that still make them flake?
I apologize for having vented like this, for the sake of privacy. I do not apologize for using strong words when maybe I shouldn't have. Well, I do, but it's just because I want to know the truth and feel appropriate to it. My point is that she wrote, she has no place to criticize. And for the boy. Don't even get me started on the bullshit you've put down on paper, on email, on anything as an attack. So do not think that you have any right whatsoever. And although I don't have the place or the right. If it were possible, I would think I had more.
To be continued...