Arashi: A Golden Moon (5)
AUTHOR: Marineko/mylittlecthulhu
FANDOM: Arashi
PAIRING: Juntoshi, Sakuraiba (side)
RATING: G
DATE: January 8th, 2011
WORD COUNT: 3,066
NOTES/DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Arashi. This is a continuation of This Year's Sakura, although it's probably possible to read it on its own.
Chapter Four | Chapter Six
CHAPTER FIVE | The Breath That Was Caught Halfway
Two weeks after Ohno first showed up on his doorstep, the artist still showed no sign of leaving. Jun wondered if he should just ask Ohno how long he planned to stay, but couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. Anyway, he liked that Ohno was around. Even though it gave him a lot of extra work, and even though sometimes peering into his guest bedroom (which Ohno had turned into some kind of artist’s garret) made him want to cry, it was still better than coming home to an empty place. And because he was so preoccupied with Ohno’s presence, it was easier not to think of Sho.
He had stopped going by One Art since Ohno’s arrival, because he wanted to avoid Shun’s questions. He was already resigned to the fact that he couldn’t make Ohno budge on the topic of One Art.
He didn’t have work for the last two days, but that afternoon he had been called for an audition. This was the first time that he was requested to audition instead of the other way around, so he was intrigued. The other reason was this wasn’t CM work or a drama cameo or campaigning for anything; an up-and-coming band were shooting the PV for their first major single, and they wanted a familiar face in it. “Someone that people have seen on TV and magazines before, that they might recognise,” his manager had told him. He was one of the cheaper “talents” that fit the bill (he didn’t really consider himself as one, but had been described as one in recent magazines), so he was asked to audition.
They wanted someone who could act, and dance.
Jun had never danced for work before, despite the fact that he had been working for years now. He had rigorous lessons as a child, of course; his mother made sure of that. She had told him that it wasn’t enough to be beautiful - he had to learn grace, as well. He didn’t know if he ever learned it, but at the moment he thought that having that as part of his resume was finally going to be useful.
He was getting ready to leave when Ohno looked up from the television, where he was watching cartoons. “Where are you going?”
“Work.”
Ohno paused, giving Jun a once-over. “Hmm.” He stood up, carrying his cereal bowl to the sink. Normally he would have left it on the coffee table and get to it later, but two weeks of living with Jun made him realise just how much Jun cared about things like that. So he tried to remember to be more tidy, although he still forgot occasionally. He still remembered the day Jun came back from work after a particularly long day, surveyed the apartment, and commented that the lamp had been moved two inches and was no longer properly centered. It still made Ohno want to laugh.
“What are you smiling about?” Jun asked suspiciously, following Ohno into the kitchen.
“Nothing.”
“Then what are you doing today?”
“Nothing.”
Jun looked a bit put out, like he suspected that Ohno had planned something devious and was purposely putting him out of the loop. It made Ohno almost wish that he did have something planned. He’d probably work, too, that day. The last two days he hadn’t managed to get anything done at all, spending the day watching television while Jun read, and going through Jun’s large collection of art catalogues while glancing up now and then to see what Jun was doing in the kitchen. He had thought that the catalogues would be inspiring - they certainly awed him - but he still felt himself coming to a blank when he tried to work. It had to be Jun. This he knew, but Jun still refused to model for him and for some reason, even though he drew all his other portraits from memory, he could never get it right when he tried to do Jun. There was something about Jun that he still couldn’t put his finger on, that he needed to understand. But what was it?
“Can I go with you?” he asked, feeling oddly happy by Jun’s reaction - surprise, then as comprehension dawned, a slow reddening of his cheeks.
“To work?” Jun frowned, although his cheeks were already growing warm with embarrassment from just the thought of it. “You want to see me work?” It wasn’t that Sho hadn’t tagged along often enough, but... “I’m just going for an audition.”
“So they won’t allow me in?”
“I don’t know, I guess you’ll have to ask... if they don’t you’ll have to wait outside. But since it’s just an audition -”
“Do you mind if I go?”
Of course he minded, Jun thought. Somehow the very idea of Ohno watching him work made him feel self-conscious. Maybe it was because he was comfortable with Sho that having Sho watch him didn’t feel that way. Maybe it was the fact that he had the impression that Ohno saw through people easily - his portraits always showed what the subjects really were like as people, Jun thought - and he didn’t want Ohno to see this part of him, the part that seemed to define everything else.
What was it that his father’s wife had said, once? A well-trained and perfectly groomed prize puppy, destined to be like his mother - “a bitch useful for nothing but being trotted around at shows.” It was true in a way; one of his mother’s “functions” for his father was to be his companion during important events, a prize to be shown off and brag about. His father’s wife was far from homely, but she wasn’t the beauty that Jun’s mother was, nor was she as instantly recognisable. And among his father’s friends and acquaintances, being able to show off one’s mistress in public was something to envy, rather than hold in contempt. Jun didn’t understand that world or its people, but he understood his place in it. He, too, had been groomed to show off and make use of his looks. He, too, had nothing else to offer to the world.
“Hey, are you okay?”
He was jerked away from his thoughts as Ohno placed a palm on the side of his face gently. He blinked in confusion at the artist, wondering if his thoughts could be seen from his face, his eyes. “I’m just feeling kind of weird today,” he managed, feeling a tug of disappointment when Ohno pulled away.
“Should you be working, then?”
“I always work, even when I’m sick, remember?” Jun smiled, perhaps too widely, and stepped aside.
“So can I go?”
Remembering the reason his thoughts had turned to his family, Jun hesitated. But Ohno didn’t look like he was going to let up, and Jun didn’t want to be late. So he agreed, making it clear that he didn’t quite like the idea. Ohno ignored Jun’s reluctance and smiled back, saying that he’d be ready in five minutes.
})i({
They didn’t talk on their way there, which made Jun grateful for Ohno’s predisposition to silence. He had a book with him to read in the train, as he always did, but he couldn’t concentrate. They must have made a strange sight together, he thought. He was dressed simply, in clothes that would be easy to move around in. And yet, he knew he stood out. He always did. And next to Ohno - who seemed to take his grungy look to the next level with his ripped jeans and slightly paint-splattered shirt, and hair that stuck out all over the place - he looked ridiculously overdressed. He sighed softly, causing Ohno to look at him. He shrugged and held out his book, indicating that it was something in it that made him sigh.
})i({
Jun was relieved when he realised that the staff members around were people he had worked with several times before. No one said a thing about Ohno’s presence, or said that he couldn’t follow Jun. However, his nerves were getting worse as he listened to what was expected of him and learned the basic choreography for the audition along with a few others that had been considered for the PV. He was told that he could use any monologues he remembered for the acting part of the audition; since he was more used to stage work, it wasn’t a problem at all.
He didn’t sit with Ohno while waiting for his turn. Too nervous to do anything else, he stood with the other candidates and watched the audition take place.
When his turn came, and he stepped up to the center, a familiar calmness came over him, and he closed his eyes. He imagined his nerves and hesitations as a visible thing within him, swirling and forming into a shape that would follow his breath as he exhaled, slowly. He opened his eyes again, and knew that they were gone - not just the chaos within him, but also everyone and every thing in the room. He was in a space of his own.
He danced.
})i({
Ohno watched.
The choreography was really basic - he was pretty sure that even he would be able to follow it without problems, and he had never done any kind of performing before. And when one thought about it, dance was really just a series of movements, and movement was only about going towards something. It wasn’t anything he would have found worth thinking about, except when Jun moved it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. Somehow, Jun had made that simple series of movements into a work of art.
While the others that he had seen had focused their energy outward, being aggressive, or seductive, or both, Jun’s was the opposite. Rather than trying to provoke a reaction, he was channeling something within him, drawing from some inner serenity that even Ohno hadn’t realised was there. But he had realised, Ohno reminded himself. He might have not known what it was, but it was exactly the thing that had drawn him towards Jun from the beginning. Jun’s hidden grace. It was what he was searching for, what he knew was before his eyes and yet could place, and couldn’t bring out in his drawings no matter how he tried.
Now that he knew, he was overcome with the need to try again.
He was already starting to see it in his head, how the portrait would look like. He could see how his initial sketches would be like, and how he would transfer that to a painting. He was absorbed, in his thoughts, in watching Jun, that he almost missed hearing the whispers from far behind him.
“What’s with the new guy?” A girl’s voice asked. “He’s so scruffy and normal looking. Look at that dark skin. And did you hear his accent? Sakurai-san was so much better.”
“Maybe beggars can’t be choosers,” another voice said snidely. “After all, I heard from a friend of a friend, who was an intern at Sakurai-san’s magazine, that it was Sakurai who dropped him, not the other way ‘round.”
“What?” A third voice chimed in. “I can’t believe that. Sakurai-san’s lucky to get him. He’s so beautiful.” The last words were spoken in a breathy sigh.
“Well, believe it,” the second girl spoke again. “Everyone knows that there’s nothing to him but those looks, after all. And Sakurai-san, well - doesn’t he seem like the type who’d want someone who had something more than a pretty face?”
“You’re just jealous that he never paid any attention to you when he used to come to see Matsumoto-kun,” the first girl said.
“Please. He didn’t pay attention to anyone, not even his supposed ‘boyfriend.’ Didn’t he spend all his time on his phone or laptop?”
“I don’t know how he could not pay attention to Matsumoto-san,” the third girl said.
“Like I said, he’s not the type to fall for these silly model types. He’s too smart for that.”
“But...”
The girls had moved walked away by then, called by their supervisor, so Ohno couldn’t follow the rest of their conversation. He had heard more than enough, anyway. He turned his attention back to the audition, just to see that someone else was there. Jun was standing before him.
“You heard that?” Jun asked. He didn’t sound bothered, but the nonchalant air he had seemed too put on for Ohno to believe it was authentic. “They’re always gossipping when they think you can’t hear them. Don’t worry about it.”
Ohno nodded, and waited for Jun to speak with his manager before leaving together.
“They said they’ll inform my agent if they’re using me,” Jun said. “It didn’t go too badly, I think.”
“You were...” Ohno started, taking his time to find the right word, before settling on “exquisite.” He was a little more than dazzled by Jun’s performance, finding it beautiful and subtle, yet intense. Exquisite.
Jun frowned. To him, ‘exquisite’ came with different connotations - fragile, ornate. It made him think of his mother again. He quickened his steps. Ohno followed, walking at his own pace.
})i({
They stopped by a cafe that Jun liked to frequent. The weather was unbearably hot, so they sat inside for the air conditioning. Jun ordered for both of them, and when the waitress left, he turned to Ohno.
“They’re right, you know.”
“Who?”
“The girls. I know how I look like, how I affect others. I’m not saying it because I’m proud of it or anything - it’s just how things are, how things have always been since I started to look more and more like my mother. But you know what? This is all I have. They’re right about that, too.”
He didn’t have Ohno’s talent, or Sho’s smarts. He wasn’t like Nino, who was so straightforward and simple about what he wanted out of life, who took everything in stride even if everyone around him were lost and panicked. He definitely wasn’t Aiba, who had that inexplicable ability to make everyone like him, no matter how determined they were not to.
“Why do you hate yourself so much?” Ohno asked.
The question took him by surprise. “I don’t hate myself,” Jun said. “I’m just telling you the truth. I’m perfectly fine with who I am.”
“Sometimes people don’t really know who they are,” Ohno said. He had a faraway look in his eyes, so Jun didn’t know if he was speaking to Jun or himself. “Sometimes your own vision could be so skewed that you can’t really see yourself clearly.”
Uncomfortable, Jun decided to change the subject. He didn’t even think before speaking, and spoke the first thing that came to his mind as he sought for something to say. “Anyway, I’m sorry that they thought we were dating. The next time I work with the same staff members, I’ll put things right. It’s kind of ridiculous when you think about it anyway, right, the idea of us liking each other?”
Ohno just blinked at him. “But I do like you,” the older man said simply, before picking up his hot chocolate for a sip.
Jun’s eyes widened. A dozen responses flickered through him, mostly ranging in the don’t be mean, or I don’t like to joke about things like that category, but nothing managed to get pass his lips.
“Don’t worry,” Ohno said, with a small smile. “I’m not expecting a reply.”
})i({
They were silent on their way home, although this time their silence had taken on a different quality. Jun couldn’t get Ohno’s words out of his mind, even as he wondered what to do with the information. What kind of “like” did Ohno mean, he asked himself, and how was he supposed to act around Ohno now? No answer came, as he continued flipping the pages of his book, without absorbing anything he was reading.
Ohno wasn’t thinking about his words at all; or rather, he was thinking of something else he had said to Jun, about how people rarely knew themselves. He still knew that he would always feel out of place in the city, but he hadn’t thought that he’d be able to stay for two weeks. The fact that he even enjoyed his stay was more surprising - there were a lot to look at, after all, and a lot to learn and be inspired from. He had actually visited One Art a few days ago, although he made sure that Ikuta, the only one of the gallery owners who had seen him, wasn’t around. It impressed him, the gallery. It also scared him, the unexpected surge of wanting that he felt then. It was too strong, it made him hurry back out. He hadn’t known that he had such feelings in him.
Ironic, really, to suddenly feel a desire for something more when he hadn’t been able to produce anything satisfactory at all of late.
But I do like you.
He was going to let Jun interpret his words however the model liked. To him, Jun was the reason he hadn’t been able to draw or paint anything else, and Jun was going to be the one to get him out of that mental block. That, too, wasn’t something he expected, but it wasn’t entirely unwelcome. Liking Jun was a simple thing. He didn’t understand how anyone could see Jun, really see Jun, and not like him. The image of Jun from the audition replayed in his head, and wondered if Sho had seen the Jun that he just saw. Probably not, he decided. He couldn’t imagine how Sho could have seen Jun as he really was and still be able to leave.
Even as he started to feel an unfamiliar pinch of resentment towards his childhood friend, wondering how Sho could have had someone like Jun in his life just to let him go, another foreign emotion started to grow within him. Ohno looked at their reflections on the other side of the train car, and watched Jun’s change of expressions as he read his book. He was probably overstaying his welcome, he knew, but as much as he felt like he didn’t belong in the city his was in, he didn’t want to leave the other man behind.
~ to be continued ~
Chapter Four | Chapter Six
Marineko's Notes:
Another month, another chapter? Well, I'm registering for my masters tomorrow, so I might have even less time to fic after that. I'll try to update whenever I can though!
FANDOM: Arashi
PAIRING: Juntoshi, Sakuraiba (side)
RATING: G
DATE: January 8th, 2011
WORD COUNT: 3,066
NOTES/DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Arashi. This is a continuation of This Year's Sakura, although it's probably possible to read it on its own.
Chapter Four | Chapter Six
CHAPTER FIVE | The Breath That Was Caught Halfway
Two weeks after Ohno first showed up on his doorstep, the artist still showed no sign of leaving. Jun wondered if he should just ask Ohno how long he planned to stay, but couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. Anyway, he liked that Ohno was around. Even though it gave him a lot of extra work, and even though sometimes peering into his guest bedroom (which Ohno had turned into some kind of artist’s garret) made him want to cry, it was still better than coming home to an empty place. And because he was so preoccupied with Ohno’s presence, it was easier not to think of Sho.
He had stopped going by One Art since Ohno’s arrival, because he wanted to avoid Shun’s questions. He was already resigned to the fact that he couldn’t make Ohno budge on the topic of One Art.
He didn’t have work for the last two days, but that afternoon he had been called for an audition. This was the first time that he was requested to audition instead of the other way around, so he was intrigued. The other reason was this wasn’t CM work or a drama cameo or campaigning for anything; an up-and-coming band were shooting the PV for their first major single, and they wanted a familiar face in it. “Someone that people have seen on TV and magazines before, that they might recognise,” his manager had told him. He was one of the cheaper “talents” that fit the bill (he didn’t really consider himself as one, but had been described as one in recent magazines), so he was asked to audition.
They wanted someone who could act, and dance.
Jun had never danced for work before, despite the fact that he had been working for years now. He had rigorous lessons as a child, of course; his mother made sure of that. She had told him that it wasn’t enough to be beautiful - he had to learn grace, as well. He didn’t know if he ever learned it, but at the moment he thought that having that as part of his resume was finally going to be useful.
He was getting ready to leave when Ohno looked up from the television, where he was watching cartoons. “Where are you going?”
“Work.”
Ohno paused, giving Jun a once-over. “Hmm.” He stood up, carrying his cereal bowl to the sink. Normally he would have left it on the coffee table and get to it later, but two weeks of living with Jun made him realise just how much Jun cared about things like that. So he tried to remember to be more tidy, although he still forgot occasionally. He still remembered the day Jun came back from work after a particularly long day, surveyed the apartment, and commented that the lamp had been moved two inches and was no longer properly centered. It still made Ohno want to laugh.
“What are you smiling about?” Jun asked suspiciously, following Ohno into the kitchen.
“Nothing.”
“Then what are you doing today?”
“Nothing.”
Jun looked a bit put out, like he suspected that Ohno had planned something devious and was purposely putting him out of the loop. It made Ohno almost wish that he did have something planned. He’d probably work, too, that day. The last two days he hadn’t managed to get anything done at all, spending the day watching television while Jun read, and going through Jun’s large collection of art catalogues while glancing up now and then to see what Jun was doing in the kitchen. He had thought that the catalogues would be inspiring - they certainly awed him - but he still felt himself coming to a blank when he tried to work. It had to be Jun. This he knew, but Jun still refused to model for him and for some reason, even though he drew all his other portraits from memory, he could never get it right when he tried to do Jun. There was something about Jun that he still couldn’t put his finger on, that he needed to understand. But what was it?
“Can I go with you?” he asked, feeling oddly happy by Jun’s reaction - surprise, then as comprehension dawned, a slow reddening of his cheeks.
“To work?” Jun frowned, although his cheeks were already growing warm with embarrassment from just the thought of it. “You want to see me work?” It wasn’t that Sho hadn’t tagged along often enough, but... “I’m just going for an audition.”
“So they won’t allow me in?”
“I don’t know, I guess you’ll have to ask... if they don’t you’ll have to wait outside. But since it’s just an audition -”
“Do you mind if I go?”
Of course he minded, Jun thought. Somehow the very idea of Ohno watching him work made him feel self-conscious. Maybe it was because he was comfortable with Sho that having Sho watch him didn’t feel that way. Maybe it was the fact that he had the impression that Ohno saw through people easily - his portraits always showed what the subjects really were like as people, Jun thought - and he didn’t want Ohno to see this part of him, the part that seemed to define everything else.
What was it that his father’s wife had said, once? A well-trained and perfectly groomed prize puppy, destined to be like his mother - “a bitch useful for nothing but being trotted around at shows.” It was true in a way; one of his mother’s “functions” for his father was to be his companion during important events, a prize to be shown off and brag about. His father’s wife was far from homely, but she wasn’t the beauty that Jun’s mother was, nor was she as instantly recognisable. And among his father’s friends and acquaintances, being able to show off one’s mistress in public was something to envy, rather than hold in contempt. Jun didn’t understand that world or its people, but he understood his place in it. He, too, had been groomed to show off and make use of his looks. He, too, had nothing else to offer to the world.
“Hey, are you okay?”
He was jerked away from his thoughts as Ohno placed a palm on the side of his face gently. He blinked in confusion at the artist, wondering if his thoughts could be seen from his face, his eyes. “I’m just feeling kind of weird today,” he managed, feeling a tug of disappointment when Ohno pulled away.
“Should you be working, then?”
“I always work, even when I’m sick, remember?” Jun smiled, perhaps too widely, and stepped aside.
“So can I go?”
Remembering the reason his thoughts had turned to his family, Jun hesitated. But Ohno didn’t look like he was going to let up, and Jun didn’t want to be late. So he agreed, making it clear that he didn’t quite like the idea. Ohno ignored Jun’s reluctance and smiled back, saying that he’d be ready in five minutes.
})i({
They didn’t talk on their way there, which made Jun grateful for Ohno’s predisposition to silence. He had a book with him to read in the train, as he always did, but he couldn’t concentrate. They must have made a strange sight together, he thought. He was dressed simply, in clothes that would be easy to move around in. And yet, he knew he stood out. He always did. And next to Ohno - who seemed to take his grungy look to the next level with his ripped jeans and slightly paint-splattered shirt, and hair that stuck out all over the place - he looked ridiculously overdressed. He sighed softly, causing Ohno to look at him. He shrugged and held out his book, indicating that it was something in it that made him sigh.
})i({
Jun was relieved when he realised that the staff members around were people he had worked with several times before. No one said a thing about Ohno’s presence, or said that he couldn’t follow Jun. However, his nerves were getting worse as he listened to what was expected of him and learned the basic choreography for the audition along with a few others that had been considered for the PV. He was told that he could use any monologues he remembered for the acting part of the audition; since he was more used to stage work, it wasn’t a problem at all.
He didn’t sit with Ohno while waiting for his turn. Too nervous to do anything else, he stood with the other candidates and watched the audition take place.
When his turn came, and he stepped up to the center, a familiar calmness came over him, and he closed his eyes. He imagined his nerves and hesitations as a visible thing within him, swirling and forming into a shape that would follow his breath as he exhaled, slowly. He opened his eyes again, and knew that they were gone - not just the chaos within him, but also everyone and every thing in the room. He was in a space of his own.
He danced.
})i({
Ohno watched.
The choreography was really basic - he was pretty sure that even he would be able to follow it without problems, and he had never done any kind of performing before. And when one thought about it, dance was really just a series of movements, and movement was only about going towards something. It wasn’t anything he would have found worth thinking about, except when Jun moved it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. Somehow, Jun had made that simple series of movements into a work of art.
While the others that he had seen had focused their energy outward, being aggressive, or seductive, or both, Jun’s was the opposite. Rather than trying to provoke a reaction, he was channeling something within him, drawing from some inner serenity that even Ohno hadn’t realised was there. But he had realised, Ohno reminded himself. He might have not known what it was, but it was exactly the thing that had drawn him towards Jun from the beginning. Jun’s hidden grace. It was what he was searching for, what he knew was before his eyes and yet could place, and couldn’t bring out in his drawings no matter how he tried.
Now that he knew, he was overcome with the need to try again.
He was already starting to see it in his head, how the portrait would look like. He could see how his initial sketches would be like, and how he would transfer that to a painting. He was absorbed, in his thoughts, in watching Jun, that he almost missed hearing the whispers from far behind him.
“What’s with the new guy?” A girl’s voice asked. “He’s so scruffy and normal looking. Look at that dark skin. And did you hear his accent? Sakurai-san was so much better.”
“Maybe beggars can’t be choosers,” another voice said snidely. “After all, I heard from a friend of a friend, who was an intern at Sakurai-san’s magazine, that it was Sakurai who dropped him, not the other way ‘round.”
“What?” A third voice chimed in. “I can’t believe that. Sakurai-san’s lucky to get him. He’s so beautiful.” The last words were spoken in a breathy sigh.
“Well, believe it,” the second girl spoke again. “Everyone knows that there’s nothing to him but those looks, after all. And Sakurai-san, well - doesn’t he seem like the type who’d want someone who had something more than a pretty face?”
“You’re just jealous that he never paid any attention to you when he used to come to see Matsumoto-kun,” the first girl said.
“Please. He didn’t pay attention to anyone, not even his supposed ‘boyfriend.’ Didn’t he spend all his time on his phone or laptop?”
“I don’t know how he could not pay attention to Matsumoto-san,” the third girl said.
“Like I said, he’s not the type to fall for these silly model types. He’s too smart for that.”
“But...”
The girls had moved walked away by then, called by their supervisor, so Ohno couldn’t follow the rest of their conversation. He had heard more than enough, anyway. He turned his attention back to the audition, just to see that someone else was there. Jun was standing before him.
“You heard that?” Jun asked. He didn’t sound bothered, but the nonchalant air he had seemed too put on for Ohno to believe it was authentic. “They’re always gossipping when they think you can’t hear them. Don’t worry about it.”
Ohno nodded, and waited for Jun to speak with his manager before leaving together.
“They said they’ll inform my agent if they’re using me,” Jun said. “It didn’t go too badly, I think.”
“You were...” Ohno started, taking his time to find the right word, before settling on “exquisite.” He was a little more than dazzled by Jun’s performance, finding it beautiful and subtle, yet intense. Exquisite.
Jun frowned. To him, ‘exquisite’ came with different connotations - fragile, ornate. It made him think of his mother again. He quickened his steps. Ohno followed, walking at his own pace.
})i({
They stopped by a cafe that Jun liked to frequent. The weather was unbearably hot, so they sat inside for the air conditioning. Jun ordered for both of them, and when the waitress left, he turned to Ohno.
“They’re right, you know.”
“Who?”
“The girls. I know how I look like, how I affect others. I’m not saying it because I’m proud of it or anything - it’s just how things are, how things have always been since I started to look more and more like my mother. But you know what? This is all I have. They’re right about that, too.”
He didn’t have Ohno’s talent, or Sho’s smarts. He wasn’t like Nino, who was so straightforward and simple about what he wanted out of life, who took everything in stride even if everyone around him were lost and panicked. He definitely wasn’t Aiba, who had that inexplicable ability to make everyone like him, no matter how determined they were not to.
“Why do you hate yourself so much?” Ohno asked.
The question took him by surprise. “I don’t hate myself,” Jun said. “I’m just telling you the truth. I’m perfectly fine with who I am.”
“Sometimes people don’t really know who they are,” Ohno said. He had a faraway look in his eyes, so Jun didn’t know if he was speaking to Jun or himself. “Sometimes your own vision could be so skewed that you can’t really see yourself clearly.”
Uncomfortable, Jun decided to change the subject. He didn’t even think before speaking, and spoke the first thing that came to his mind as he sought for something to say. “Anyway, I’m sorry that they thought we were dating. The next time I work with the same staff members, I’ll put things right. It’s kind of ridiculous when you think about it anyway, right, the idea of us liking each other?”
Ohno just blinked at him. “But I do like you,” the older man said simply, before picking up his hot chocolate for a sip.
Jun’s eyes widened. A dozen responses flickered through him, mostly ranging in the don’t be mean, or I don’t like to joke about things like that category, but nothing managed to get pass his lips.
“Don’t worry,” Ohno said, with a small smile. “I’m not expecting a reply.”
})i({
They were silent on their way home, although this time their silence had taken on a different quality. Jun couldn’t get Ohno’s words out of his mind, even as he wondered what to do with the information. What kind of “like” did Ohno mean, he asked himself, and how was he supposed to act around Ohno now? No answer came, as he continued flipping the pages of his book, without absorbing anything he was reading.
Ohno wasn’t thinking about his words at all; or rather, he was thinking of something else he had said to Jun, about how people rarely knew themselves. He still knew that he would always feel out of place in the city, but he hadn’t thought that he’d be able to stay for two weeks. The fact that he even enjoyed his stay was more surprising - there were a lot to look at, after all, and a lot to learn and be inspired from. He had actually visited One Art a few days ago, although he made sure that Ikuta, the only one of the gallery owners who had seen him, wasn’t around. It impressed him, the gallery. It also scared him, the unexpected surge of wanting that he felt then. It was too strong, it made him hurry back out. He hadn’t known that he had such feelings in him.
Ironic, really, to suddenly feel a desire for something more when he hadn’t been able to produce anything satisfactory at all of late.
But I do like you.
He was going to let Jun interpret his words however the model liked. To him, Jun was the reason he hadn’t been able to draw or paint anything else, and Jun was going to be the one to get him out of that mental block. That, too, wasn’t something he expected, but it wasn’t entirely unwelcome. Liking Jun was a simple thing. He didn’t understand how anyone could see Jun, really see Jun, and not like him. The image of Jun from the audition replayed in his head, and wondered if Sho had seen the Jun that he just saw. Probably not, he decided. He couldn’t imagine how Sho could have seen Jun as he really was and still be able to leave.
Even as he started to feel an unfamiliar pinch of resentment towards his childhood friend, wondering how Sho could have had someone like Jun in his life just to let him go, another foreign emotion started to grow within him. Ohno looked at their reflections on the other side of the train car, and watched Jun’s change of expressions as he read his book. He was probably overstaying his welcome, he knew, but as much as he felt like he didn’t belong in the city his was in, he didn’t want to leave the other man behind.
~ to be continued ~
Chapter Four | Chapter Six
Marineko's Notes:
Another month, another chapter? Well, I'm registering for my masters tomorrow, so I might have even less time to fic after that. I'll try to update whenever I can though!