Just for some laughs
Anthony is a brilliant writer, and I hope he becomes successful one day. During his free time, he writes random stuff, including dark, twisted humor (the kind I like). Below is essentially sums up the fates of now-defunct childhood cartoon characters after their shows have been canceled. I threw in some bits and pieces here and there. Enjoy!
Rupert (the animated series):
"Rupert the Bear, now grown up, fell in with a bad crowd after he got pushed out of the cartoons and comics as a creative controller; he didn't understand his contracts properly, and got no money in residuals. He ends up serving 20 years in England for statuatory rape; Bill Badger acted as a character witness in the trial, but actually betrayed Rupert and said he was perfectly aware that bitch wasn't 18. Rupert's parents disown him in shame. He's currently a member of the Aryan Front criminal gang in the British penal system, and has a swastika tattooed on his forehead by digging the design in with a shiv and filling it with ink. He killed Paddington Bear, who was sadly only serving 6 months for indecent exposure."
Teddy Rupskin:
"Teddy's been hunted by poachers and was made into a bearskin rug up in a hunting cabin in Weolo, Yukon. His hide fetched a high price at the time cause it doubled as a tape deck."
Animaniacs:
"Yakko runs a headshop in San Diego. Wakko opened and failed to maintain a theme restaurant, mostly lives on his residuals in a small house in Burbank, drinking beer and watching old TV shows. Dot developed a coke habit, got clean, and now runs a program for at-risk youth."
The Care Bears:
"Grumpy is shrewd enough to have good residuals, and markets well; he landed on his feet, runs a few bars in Pennsylvania and Ohio. Some of the Care Bear cousins are alright. Lucky is dandy, owns his own chain of nightclubs in Europe...But some had less luck.
"Love-A-Lot, for example. She turned to prostitution to feed her heroine habit for a while. She got cleaned up though, married, had four kids, but her husband left her. So depressed over again feeling unloved, she took her own life, and that of three of her children (the fourth escaped the fire she started). Wish Bear was gunned down on duty as a police officer after leaving the group, by a man who was actually just being pulled over for a routine traffic violation. Turns out, the guy was smuggling cocaine from Mexico. Perfect Panda and Polite Panda were arrested for human trafficking; bringing in Chinese to the country, and more or less selling them into slavery. They were also charged with first and second degree murder, conspiracy to commit murder, conspiracy to traffic a human being, and a litany of other charges. On the inside, they still maintain some power, running a Chinese prison gang, the Manchurian Fofan Gon gang, in Los Angeles. They're believed responsible for most of the drug trade in three different prisons through their connections.
"The Care Bear Cousins have their own problems. Bright Heart Raccoon is a famous male stripper and gay rights activist, but his original boyfriend, Proud Heart Cat, was beaten to death in a bar in Arizona when a guy thought he was hitting on him. He shacked up with Brave Heart Lion afterward, who runs a successful soliciting company. Gentle Heart Lamb; not realizing she was sentient until it was too late, she was made into lamb chops while attending a factory tour of an abbatoir. Lotsa Heart Elephant had a bilateral cardial stroke due to how remarkably clogged his arteries are. He's alive, but his movement is severely limited, and he has to use a machine to speak. Cozy Heart Penguin, distraught over not getting a role in Happy Feet, being already at a critical juncture, as she was running out of money, attempted to kill the director with a carbomb. However, as she was setting the timer, it went off, killing her.
"Swift Heart Rabbit went on to win several racing competitions, and eventually became the first female funny car driver to win three cups in a row. However, her funny car caught fire during time trials one day. She survived, but the fire did claim the life of two crewmen who tried to extinguish it as the engine exploded. She has since retired from racing and attends to counseling to get over her condition of Survivor's Remorse. She sells handmade trinkets as a hobby and a form of therapy.
"Treat Heart Pig choked to death on a ham sandwich in a bath tub. It's not known if she considered it cannibalism or not. Her body was cremated. With a light honey glaze sauce, peppercorns, and an apple. Her funeral reception was, as such, amazingly well supplied with food. Noble Heart Horse was gelded and lives on a pasture near Omaha. I think that's all the cousins."
Pinky and the Brain:
"They were eventually dissected in a classroom."
Clifford the Big Red Dog:
"He wasn't actually very big; it was a camera trick for the show. His real name is Wally Biscuits. He's getting on in years, and is spending his last years on a ranch in Texas, where he'll be happier...He may have been put down, but, that's what his owner told the kids."
He-Man:
"He-Man markets his own line of chest grease under his assumed name Adam Stark. His sister She-Ra married a wonderful man, but both died in a car accident shortly after it was discovered she was pregnant."
My Little Pony:
"Didn't turn out well for damn near any of them. Short list; Buttons, Glory, Fizzy, Galaxy, Gusty, they're dead. A stage fire caused those each to die of suffocation, burning, burning, and suffocation, respectively. Gusty died in the hospital, with her last words being, "I think I forgot something..." No one is quite sure what that meant. The only unicorns still alive were the babies and Ribbon, who live comfortably off of residuals. Cherries Jubilee hung herself...No one knows how the fuck a horse did that, but, she did. Lemondrop was raped and murdered. Baby Cuddles eventually grew up to be a coke dealer. He's serving 5-10 years. Magic Star was burned for as a witch when visiting a backward Polynesian island.
"Lickety-Split eventually over-gorged herself on ice cream. Her stomach ruptured, she died in agony of sepsis 4 days later. Her baby has since sworn off ice cream and lives in mortal terror of it, being incapable to so much as walk by a creamery or in the frozen foods section. Baby Half-Note grew up to be a talented dancer, as much as a pony can be one. She enjoyed a long and rich career, until she broke an ankle. The break turned gangrenous, and they had to remove the affected leg. Having wasted her money on frivolities, she now lives alone in a trailer with her 25 cats. Gingerbread has a successful bakery franchising deal, and acts as a spokesperson for various baked goods. However, she's also believed to be descending into alcoholism.
"Shady, the incredibly depressed pony, commited suicide by jumping off a cliff, while holding Baby Shady. Amazingly, Baby Shady survived, though is emotionally scarred, having seen his mother's face smashed open on a rock. Truly was eventually killed by poisoning, possibly for having been such a slave driving cunt. The baby dragon Spike eventually grew up, and true to his nature, ate the Bushwoolies, the Moochick, and several of the ponies, namely Posey, Cupcake, and Sundance. He has since fled the country, and resides somewhere in the Carribean under an assumed name.
"Baby Sleepy Pie was trampled in her sleep when her mother wigged out thinking she'd heard a gunshot and woke up in a panic. Was actually just Tex passing gas as he walked by. The Princess Ponies were all executed in a mass pony uprising. The Big Brother Ponies, disturbed by how few males there were in Dream Valley (that being, the six of them) began to grow paranoid after a period of feeling pretty pleased with the situation. They eventually moved to a ranch in Galveston Texas just to feel less out of place. In doing so, they left behind the babies that each had to have had one of them as a father. Course, only Slugger ever had more foals, given the others were gelded after being too rambunctious.
"Surprise went to work in a repair yard for trains. She accidentally surprised a workman with a blow torch, who burned her eyes blind. She did not use gentle pressure to get his attention as she should have. Masquerade became a spy, but only lived through two missions. Her throat was slit and her body dumped in a ditch."
"The sea ponies...2.99 shrimp cocktail. Served with a side of melted butter, mmm-mmmmmm!"
Snorks:
"The main course after a serving of Sea Ponies."
Calvin and Hobbes:
"Calvin retreated further into his fantasy world as his parents' marriage collapsed to the point of physical violence. Calvin would be beaten some nights by his father, drunk on cheap Scotch. He would cling to Hobbes and cry himself to sleep. After the divorce, he had negative experiences with practically all of his mother's new boyfriends, including one who molested him when he was 11. By 13, Calvin is seen as the sheerly insane kid at school, and easily the most violent. He's sent to juvenile hall eight times by the time he's 17. He rarely sees his father, who has become a hopeless alcoholic, lost his job, and is on welfare. Hobbes remains with him in this time, though more raggedy and poorly cared for.
"At 23, he commits his first murder, eviscerating a man with a butcher knife. Over the next two years, he'll commit 22 more, becoming one of the most notorious serial killers in US history. Every murder scene has threads from his now practically shredded Hobbes plushie, which he still speaks to, and actively believes Hobbes comitted the murders, not himself. Calvin is arrested at the scene of the murder of a young woman, caught tearing her throat out with his teeth. He was shot twice, but survived to be taken into custody. Calvin was sent to an asylum for the criminally insane, Hobbes being taken as evidence. Calvin kills two orderlies and escapes the hospital at 27, screaming Hobbes's name as he flees.
"He flees to the forest, picking off the occasional hunter or hiker until he's 32, when he tries to return to his childhood home, which has since become part of a slum. He dwells in the abandoned house for 2 years, killing several children for their toys, and stitches a new, patchy Hobbes doll for himself. When he's discovered by the police at last, he throws the doll at them, and tries to kill the officers sent to arrest him with a shiv. Calvin is gunned down at the age of 34. His body is unceremoniously cremated without a funeral; his mother, having disowned him, and his father having comitted suicide years earlier. The Hobbes doll, though, is somehow overlooked, and remains in the run down house."
Pound Puppies:
"Fixed. Go on to plot the death of Bob Barker."
Tom and Jerry:
"Jerry was eventually eaten by Tom in real life by accident when filimg a scene. Tom's stomach acids rapidly dissolve Jerry while Tom tries to induce vomitting. Due to the lack of a gag reflex, gained through seedy films Tom did in college that he isn't proud of, this was difficult, and by the time Jerry was extracted from Tom's stomach, he was dead. Tom was arrested for manslaughter, but was acquitted."
Babar:
"Was killed by poachers. His tusks were made into the keys of a custom ordered harpsichord, and his asshole elitist family starves to death."
Alvin and the Chipmunks:
"Dave eventually smothered Alvin in his sleep after snapping one night. He told the others Alvin was 'resting' and took them for a car drive. Into a lake. The Chipettes; Brittany - crack whore, Jeanette - Taco Bell employee of the month twice in a row! - Eleanor, human shield in Iraq, was crushed by a tank."
Sonic the Hedgehog:
"Was charged with molestation of a minor, and corruption of a minor, as he used illegal drugs, and alcohol, to get the boy drunk. Sonic still lives in prison, where he's passed around like a blunt. Tails remains in therapy, and in adulthood, is a successful door-to-door salesman, though still grappling with his past."
Denver, the Last Dinosaur:
"Taxidermied, in the Smithsonian."
Mighty Mouse:
"Drowned in a toilet."
Smurfs:
"...Are an excellent source of blue dye, and non-toxic too."
Richie Rich:
"Grew disillusioned with the world of the rich, and took his own life in his silver bathtub, with a solid gold toaster."
Winnie the Pooh:
"Spends almost all of his time feeding his honey addiction. He dies from his undiagnosed diabetes-related complications after shooting honey directly into his veins. Eeyore tried in vain to commit suicide, but eventually cheered up, and became a parish priest in southern Scotland. Kanga's smothering nature toward her son Roo has left the adult Roo as the biggest whipped and cowed pussy on the planet. Seriously, like, just shy of being Norman Bates. Rabbit was arrested for selling narcotics out of his home. He is going mad in prison. Piglet was eaten by a coked-up Tigger, so he was given the chair. His last words were: "I'm a motherfucking tiger thing choo cockshhhuckers, what the fuck choo expect!?" The excessive spittle from his ramblings shorted out the chair, and he cooked alive, catching firing while screaming in agony before finally dying, a charred, black husk."
Garfield:
"Garfield dies of an undiagnosed bowel obstruction. Without Garfield to project himself onto, John's madness grows. He kills himself one night by hanging, clutching Garfield's corpse, which he dug up for this purpose, to himself. The rope break, but John's fall breaks his neck. Odie eats portions of his corpse before the cops discover the body."
Scooby Doo:
"Hit by the Mystery Machine when Shaggy is driving it high. Dead."
Inspector Gadget:
"Has an excellent career, is well decorated, but haunted by an incident in which he shot a man he thought was carrying a weapon."
US Acres:
"Orson Pig, $4.13 a pound; Roy Rooster, met the Colonel; Wade Duck, sold to the Chinese, in a pleasant orange sauce; Bo Sheep and Lanolin Sheep, both alive but depressed by the loss of friends; Booker, eventually became a 4 piece chicken platter; Sheldon, crushed; Neisel the Weasel, living happy having eaten plenty of undefended chickens."
Rupert (the animated series):
"Rupert the Bear, now grown up, fell in with a bad crowd after he got pushed out of the cartoons and comics as a creative controller; he didn't understand his contracts properly, and got no money in residuals. He ends up serving 20 years in England for statuatory rape; Bill Badger acted as a character witness in the trial, but actually betrayed Rupert and said he was perfectly aware that bitch wasn't 18. Rupert's parents disown him in shame. He's currently a member of the Aryan Front criminal gang in the British penal system, and has a swastika tattooed on his forehead by digging the design in with a shiv and filling it with ink. He killed Paddington Bear, who was sadly only serving 6 months for indecent exposure."
Teddy Rupskin:
"Teddy's been hunted by poachers and was made into a bearskin rug up in a hunting cabin in Weolo, Yukon. His hide fetched a high price at the time cause it doubled as a tape deck."
Animaniacs:
"Yakko runs a headshop in San Diego. Wakko opened and failed to maintain a theme restaurant, mostly lives on his residuals in a small house in Burbank, drinking beer and watching old TV shows. Dot developed a coke habit, got clean, and now runs a program for at-risk youth."
The Care Bears:
"Grumpy is shrewd enough to have good residuals, and markets well; he landed on his feet, runs a few bars in Pennsylvania and Ohio. Some of the Care Bear cousins are alright. Lucky is dandy, owns his own chain of nightclubs in Europe...But some had less luck.
"Love-A-Lot, for example. She turned to prostitution to feed her heroine habit for a while. She got cleaned up though, married, had four kids, but her husband left her. So depressed over again feeling unloved, she took her own life, and that of three of her children (the fourth escaped the fire she started). Wish Bear was gunned down on duty as a police officer after leaving the group, by a man who was actually just being pulled over for a routine traffic violation. Turns out, the guy was smuggling cocaine from Mexico. Perfect Panda and Polite Panda were arrested for human trafficking; bringing in Chinese to the country, and more or less selling them into slavery. They were also charged with first and second degree murder, conspiracy to commit murder, conspiracy to traffic a human being, and a litany of other charges. On the inside, they still maintain some power, running a Chinese prison gang, the Manchurian Fofan Gon gang, in Los Angeles. They're believed responsible for most of the drug trade in three different prisons through their connections.
"The Care Bear Cousins have their own problems. Bright Heart Raccoon is a famous male stripper and gay rights activist, but his original boyfriend, Proud Heart Cat, was beaten to death in a bar in Arizona when a guy thought he was hitting on him. He shacked up with Brave Heart Lion afterward, who runs a successful soliciting company. Gentle Heart Lamb; not realizing she was sentient until it was too late, she was made into lamb chops while attending a factory tour of an abbatoir. Lotsa Heart Elephant had a bilateral cardial stroke due to how remarkably clogged his arteries are. He's alive, but his movement is severely limited, and he has to use a machine to speak. Cozy Heart Penguin, distraught over not getting a role in Happy Feet, being already at a critical juncture, as she was running out of money, attempted to kill the director with a carbomb. However, as she was setting the timer, it went off, killing her.
"Swift Heart Rabbit went on to win several racing competitions, and eventually became the first female funny car driver to win three cups in a row. However, her funny car caught fire during time trials one day. She survived, but the fire did claim the life of two crewmen who tried to extinguish it as the engine exploded. She has since retired from racing and attends to counseling to get over her condition of Survivor's Remorse. She sells handmade trinkets as a hobby and a form of therapy.
"Treat Heart Pig choked to death on a ham sandwich in a bath tub. It's not known if she considered it cannibalism or not. Her body was cremated. With a light honey glaze sauce, peppercorns, and an apple. Her funeral reception was, as such, amazingly well supplied with food. Noble Heart Horse was gelded and lives on a pasture near Omaha. I think that's all the cousins."
Pinky and the Brain:
"They were eventually dissected in a classroom."
Clifford the Big Red Dog:
"He wasn't actually very big; it was a camera trick for the show. His real name is Wally Biscuits. He's getting on in years, and is spending his last years on a ranch in Texas, where he'll be happier...He may have been put down, but, that's what his owner told the kids."
He-Man:
"He-Man markets his own line of chest grease under his assumed name Adam Stark. His sister She-Ra married a wonderful man, but both died in a car accident shortly after it was discovered she was pregnant."
My Little Pony:
"Didn't turn out well for damn near any of them. Short list; Buttons, Glory, Fizzy, Galaxy, Gusty, they're dead. A stage fire caused those each to die of suffocation, burning, burning, and suffocation, respectively. Gusty died in the hospital, with her last words being, "I think I forgot something..." No one is quite sure what that meant. The only unicorns still alive were the babies and Ribbon, who live comfortably off of residuals. Cherries Jubilee hung herself...No one knows how the fuck a horse did that, but, she did. Lemondrop was raped and murdered. Baby Cuddles eventually grew up to be a coke dealer. He's serving 5-10 years. Magic Star was burned for as a witch when visiting a backward Polynesian island.
"Lickety-Split eventually over-gorged herself on ice cream. Her stomach ruptured, she died in agony of sepsis 4 days later. Her baby has since sworn off ice cream and lives in mortal terror of it, being incapable to so much as walk by a creamery or in the frozen foods section. Baby Half-Note grew up to be a talented dancer, as much as a pony can be one. She enjoyed a long and rich career, until she broke an ankle. The break turned gangrenous, and they had to remove the affected leg. Having wasted her money on frivolities, she now lives alone in a trailer with her 25 cats. Gingerbread has a successful bakery franchising deal, and acts as a spokesperson for various baked goods. However, she's also believed to be descending into alcoholism.
"Shady, the incredibly depressed pony, commited suicide by jumping off a cliff, while holding Baby Shady. Amazingly, Baby Shady survived, though is emotionally scarred, having seen his mother's face smashed open on a rock. Truly was eventually killed by poisoning, possibly for having been such a slave driving cunt. The baby dragon Spike eventually grew up, and true to his nature, ate the Bushwoolies, the Moochick, and several of the ponies, namely Posey, Cupcake, and Sundance. He has since fled the country, and resides somewhere in the Carribean under an assumed name.
"Baby Sleepy Pie was trampled in her sleep when her mother wigged out thinking she'd heard a gunshot and woke up in a panic. Was actually just Tex passing gas as he walked by. The Princess Ponies were all executed in a mass pony uprising. The Big Brother Ponies, disturbed by how few males there were in Dream Valley (that being, the six of them) began to grow paranoid after a period of feeling pretty pleased with the situation. They eventually moved to a ranch in Galveston Texas just to feel less out of place. In doing so, they left behind the babies that each had to have had one of them as a father. Course, only Slugger ever had more foals, given the others were gelded after being too rambunctious.
"Surprise went to work in a repair yard for trains. She accidentally surprised a workman with a blow torch, who burned her eyes blind. She did not use gentle pressure to get his attention as she should have. Masquerade became a spy, but only lived through two missions. Her throat was slit and her body dumped in a ditch."
"The sea ponies...2.99 shrimp cocktail. Served with a side of melted butter, mmm-mmmmmm!"
Snorks:
"The main course after a serving of Sea Ponies."
Calvin and Hobbes:
"Calvin retreated further into his fantasy world as his parents' marriage collapsed to the point of physical violence. Calvin would be beaten some nights by his father, drunk on cheap Scotch. He would cling to Hobbes and cry himself to sleep. After the divorce, he had negative experiences with practically all of his mother's new boyfriends, including one who molested him when he was 11. By 13, Calvin is seen as the sheerly insane kid at school, and easily the most violent. He's sent to juvenile hall eight times by the time he's 17. He rarely sees his father, who has become a hopeless alcoholic, lost his job, and is on welfare. Hobbes remains with him in this time, though more raggedy and poorly cared for.
"At 23, he commits his first murder, eviscerating a man with a butcher knife. Over the next two years, he'll commit 22 more, becoming one of the most notorious serial killers in US history. Every murder scene has threads from his now practically shredded Hobbes plushie, which he still speaks to, and actively believes Hobbes comitted the murders, not himself. Calvin is arrested at the scene of the murder of a young woman, caught tearing her throat out with his teeth. He was shot twice, but survived to be taken into custody. Calvin was sent to an asylum for the criminally insane, Hobbes being taken as evidence. Calvin kills two orderlies and escapes the hospital at 27, screaming Hobbes's name as he flees.
"He flees to the forest, picking off the occasional hunter or hiker until he's 32, when he tries to return to his childhood home, which has since become part of a slum. He dwells in the abandoned house for 2 years, killing several children for their toys, and stitches a new, patchy Hobbes doll for himself. When he's discovered by the police at last, he throws the doll at them, and tries to kill the officers sent to arrest him with a shiv. Calvin is gunned down at the age of 34. His body is unceremoniously cremated without a funeral; his mother, having disowned him, and his father having comitted suicide years earlier. The Hobbes doll, though, is somehow overlooked, and remains in the run down house."
Pound Puppies:
"Fixed. Go on to plot the death of Bob Barker."
Tom and Jerry:
"Jerry was eventually eaten by Tom in real life by accident when filimg a scene. Tom's stomach acids rapidly dissolve Jerry while Tom tries to induce vomitting. Due to the lack of a gag reflex, gained through seedy films Tom did in college that he isn't proud of, this was difficult, and by the time Jerry was extracted from Tom's stomach, he was dead. Tom was arrested for manslaughter, but was acquitted."
Babar:
"Was killed by poachers. His tusks were made into the keys of a custom ordered harpsichord, and his asshole elitist family starves to death."
Alvin and the Chipmunks:
"Dave eventually smothered Alvin in his sleep after snapping one night. He told the others Alvin was 'resting' and took them for a car drive. Into a lake. The Chipettes; Brittany - crack whore, Jeanette - Taco Bell employee of the month twice in a row! - Eleanor, human shield in Iraq, was crushed by a tank."
Sonic the Hedgehog:
"Was charged with molestation of a minor, and corruption of a minor, as he used illegal drugs, and alcohol, to get the boy drunk. Sonic still lives in prison, where he's passed around like a blunt. Tails remains in therapy, and in adulthood, is a successful door-to-door salesman, though still grappling with his past."
Denver, the Last Dinosaur:
"Taxidermied, in the Smithsonian."
Mighty Mouse:
"Drowned in a toilet."
Smurfs:
"...Are an excellent source of blue dye, and non-toxic too."
Richie Rich:
"Grew disillusioned with the world of the rich, and took his own life in his silver bathtub, with a solid gold toaster."
Winnie the Pooh:
"Spends almost all of his time feeding his honey addiction. He dies from his undiagnosed diabetes-related complications after shooting honey directly into his veins. Eeyore tried in vain to commit suicide, but eventually cheered up, and became a parish priest in southern Scotland. Kanga's smothering nature toward her son Roo has left the adult Roo as the biggest whipped and cowed pussy on the planet. Seriously, like, just shy of being Norman Bates. Rabbit was arrested for selling narcotics out of his home. He is going mad in prison. Piglet was eaten by a coked-up Tigger, so he was given the chair. His last words were: "I'm a motherfucking tiger thing choo cockshhhuckers, what the fuck choo expect!?" The excessive spittle from his ramblings shorted out the chair, and he cooked alive, catching firing while screaming in agony before finally dying, a charred, black husk."
Garfield:
"Garfield dies of an undiagnosed bowel obstruction. Without Garfield to project himself onto, John's madness grows. He kills himself one night by hanging, clutching Garfield's corpse, which he dug up for this purpose, to himself. The rope break, but John's fall breaks his neck. Odie eats portions of his corpse before the cops discover the body."
Scooby Doo:
"Hit by the Mystery Machine when Shaggy is driving it high. Dead."
Inspector Gadget:
"Has an excellent career, is well decorated, but haunted by an incident in which he shot a man he thought was carrying a weapon."
US Acres:
"Orson Pig, $4.13 a pound; Roy Rooster, met the Colonel; Wade Duck, sold to the Chinese, in a pleasant orange sauce; Bo Sheep and Lanolin Sheep, both alive but depressed by the loss of friends; Booker, eventually became a 4 piece chicken platter; Sheldon, crushed; Neisel the Weasel, living happy having eaten plenty of undefended chickens."