Sparse journal vs entropy
Please don't read what I wrote in my last post. I was drunk and a fool for love, and my spelling was like the wrong side of a dog.
This post however... you'd better not read it... I'm a miserable lonely fool I think. Let me put a picture here, maybe I can disguise everything like some boring science report:
What happened at the christmas dinner was that a colleague noticed my friend and had another thought about what I needed. He said that he would arrange a dinner where he would introduce me to a nice woman. I've been through such things before but I'm not the one who says no to an invitation.
I visited my friend just before christmas eve and concluded that I was much too old for her to be more than just a friend. A very dear friend though, and I went home with peace of mind and a positive look at the future.
Time went by and I thought that my colleague had just been waffling at the dinner. I had a couple of weeks where I thought that I would survive my life despite craving children and lack of female company. I relished in making pictures and doing good at work, life seemed to flow smoothly.
The he called me. Was I available next saturday? Cheers mate! Of course I am! I felt at ease with myself and thought that it would be interesting to meet some new people, listen to them and get some new thoughts, and give them a part of my life and my thoughts.
So there she was, that woman my colleague (actually it was his girlfriend that had the idea) had set up for me. It took less than a second to shake my ground that I had relied on for so long.
She did not see me at first. I looked at her when she took off her coat and chatted with someone who met her in the door. I thought that she wasn't my type and how the hell could my colleague think that this woman would fit me better than my dear friend, she looked not one day older.
I didn't know all of that at the time. I didn't know that my world had been changed. I just noticed that she was very beautiful and talked a lot and then everyone went into the living room and started to mingle.
Even as the evening transformed into night and everyone had a great time I wasn't aware of what was going on in my mind. When I finally decided that it was time to go home I gave her a hug and heard myself saying "we have to meet again".
The next day I went back to fetch my car and was warmly greeted by my colleague and his girlfriend. At that time I had decided to listen to myself and said "I need her phone number". When I got home I knew that I had to call immediately, otherwise I would fall back into my regular cosy standard life.
We met three days later and I stayed the night. I'm too old to fall in love like a teenager but the prospect of being cherished, maybe loved, is unresistable. [This last sentence makes me think; Do I love her or do I love the feeling of being loved?]
However, I was lost. Despite our many different experiences it seemed that we were attracted to each other, at least I was fascinated and attracted to her. My cosy standard life lost a great deal of value.
Two days later we met again.
When we said goodbye everything seemed fine. I had no notion about anything wrong.
Since then I've not been able to reach her. Phone calls, messages, facebook -no response. Except that she added me as a friend on facebook, that is strange if she wants to avoid me.
But shit! What an anguish it is to not know! I can take a "no" and a "goodbye", but this!
As I have been writing this my mind has cleared a bit, but it has also taken a week of bad karma to get here. Maybe it's all a sort of misunderstanding and unfortunate circumstances, but so far I just have a big confusion and sorrow about the situation.
It'll probably be a long time before I write my next post. Maybe I can tell about what happened then. Hopefully I won't discourage you from reading this as I did in the beginning above. Hopefully we're all happy again, hopefully together.
Until then, I'll meet my dear friend, the young girl, and we'll visit a museum and we'll have a great time together.
This post however... you'd better not read it... I'm a miserable lonely fool I think. Let me put a picture here, maybe I can disguise everything like some boring science report:
What happened at the christmas dinner was that a colleague noticed my friend and had another thought about what I needed. He said that he would arrange a dinner where he would introduce me to a nice woman. I've been through such things before but I'm not the one who says no to an invitation.
I visited my friend just before christmas eve and concluded that I was much too old for her to be more than just a friend. A very dear friend though, and I went home with peace of mind and a positive look at the future.
Time went by and I thought that my colleague had just been waffling at the dinner. I had a couple of weeks where I thought that I would survive my life despite craving children and lack of female company. I relished in making pictures and doing good at work, life seemed to flow smoothly.
The he called me. Was I available next saturday? Cheers mate! Of course I am! I felt at ease with myself and thought that it would be interesting to meet some new people, listen to them and get some new thoughts, and give them a part of my life and my thoughts.
So there she was, that woman my colleague (actually it was his girlfriend that had the idea) had set up for me. It took less than a second to shake my ground that I had relied on for so long.
She did not see me at first. I looked at her when she took off her coat and chatted with someone who met her in the door. I thought that she wasn't my type and how the hell could my colleague think that this woman would fit me better than my dear friend, she looked not one day older.
I didn't know all of that at the time. I didn't know that my world had been changed. I just noticed that she was very beautiful and talked a lot and then everyone went into the living room and started to mingle.
Even as the evening transformed into night and everyone had a great time I wasn't aware of what was going on in my mind. When I finally decided that it was time to go home I gave her a hug and heard myself saying "we have to meet again".
The next day I went back to fetch my car and was warmly greeted by my colleague and his girlfriend. At that time I had decided to listen to myself and said "I need her phone number". When I got home I knew that I had to call immediately, otherwise I would fall back into my regular cosy standard life.
We met three days later and I stayed the night. I'm too old to fall in love like a teenager but the prospect of being cherished, maybe loved, is unresistable. [This last sentence makes me think; Do I love her or do I love the feeling of being loved?]
However, I was lost. Despite our many different experiences it seemed that we were attracted to each other, at least I was fascinated and attracted to her. My cosy standard life lost a great deal of value.
Two days later we met again.
When we said goodbye everything seemed fine. I had no notion about anything wrong.
Since then I've not been able to reach her. Phone calls, messages, facebook -no response. Except that she added me as a friend on facebook, that is strange if she wants to avoid me.
But shit! What an anguish it is to not know! I can take a "no" and a "goodbye", but this!
As I have been writing this my mind has cleared a bit, but it has also taken a week of bad karma to get here. Maybe it's all a sort of misunderstanding and unfortunate circumstances, but so far I just have a big confusion and sorrow about the situation.
It'll probably be a long time before I write my next post. Maybe I can tell about what happened then. Hopefully I won't discourage you from reading this as I did in the beginning above. Hopefully we're all happy again, hopefully together.
Until then, I'll meet my dear friend, the young girl, and we'll visit a museum and we'll have a great time together.