I have a lot of feelings
Sometimes I feel like I made a huge mistake.
Way too fast. I shouldn't have done it. I'm not made for this whole relationship thing. I don't actually have it in me to care enough about another person for it. But then come you two. You, you get it. You, you don't. You I don't get fed up with half as easily, if ever. And if I do it's enough that I know it wouldn't matter down the road. But it's just not the same as it is with you. You, at least, I feel a whole rainbow spectrum of things for. Unfortunately that includes annoyance and sometimes disdain.
Of course, as my mind likes to remind me, nothing's concrete. Nothing absolute. You two aren't the only people to exist. It won't last. No matter how much I think I want it I'll just get bored again and that's it. Over. It'll hurt but I'll get over it and probably won't think even a little bit about how it makes you feel. I'll do what's best for me because that's what I always do. No matter what I say you just don't seem to get it. Maybe you're really not as smart as I like to think. You can pick apart plots and characters but not me. You deny it while you embrace it. We've made all these plans. I said I'd never do that but I know I secretly love it, can't get enough of it.
I fear the future but talking about it with you hurts so good. I feel like things can get better, I can have a nice life. I can disregard the thought that I'd always die early and alone. At least now I won't be alone. But then there's the deeper fear. Two of them, to be exact. That it'll happen and that it won't. At least with you I never had that fear. Was it because I didn't actually love you? Is love actually just fear masked by the feelings we have for the person we think we're in love with? Probably not. Maybe you'll be the one to teach me that. I'm too young to understand it now but you'll help me. And then some day I'll find another someone and the cycle will repeat only with more to think about, like some perverse exponential growth of pain.
I'm not even sure I know what I'm saying anymore, let alone what the point of this entry was.
I refuse to delete it and I will post it as-is so I remember what I was feeling and I won't do anything stupid.