garg
2 weeks til moving, and i'm still sitting up til 3AM reading yaoi manga and listening to jrock.
Hoo boy, I'm so screwed. -_-;;
I got an email from Shirlene today and while it didn't say all that much, and she obviously didn't intend to hurt me or anything by it, I realized through that email just how useless and lazy I've been this summer. She's working on a UHS alumni webpage with pictures and stuff (and she's nice enough to think of me as well even though I didn't actually graduate from UHS) and she was working this summer in an internship with Hewlett Packert. AND she's taking kenpo. Good god I wish I actually had the courage to ask my dad if I can find a karate or martial arts class to take this summer, instead of wasting my time away on RO, sitting around, sleeping and eating. I noticed not very long ago that I definitely gained a lot of weight. Just a few weeks ago, when Tanya was here, I was still alright. Not in good shape, but not uber fat either. But I noticed since two days ago that my face got way rounder, and...well I'm just bigger around the waist again. -_-;;; Bah, I figured it was going to happe. Not a lot is gonna help now, but I'm gonna play DDR anyway.
The thing is, RO is getting boring too. For a while when I got bored of aeRO, I was having fun with piffy, and even now with all the internal disputes, I'm still having fun with it. But suddenly I just lost the purpose for liking it. It's really hard to lvl once you're around 50-60's and it just gets progressively harder as you go along. And worst of all, my main chara's a mage, making dying a piece of cake.
After spending hours just going around the same screen killing geos, and getting really close to lvl 70 (i'm half way past lvl 69), I'm wondering what's the point. I can say it's for WoE, and really it IS for WoE, except WoE's such a pain in the ass with Karin and his fucked up gang of GodSlayers. At this rate, I'm really considering not doing more WoE, and the GMs are considering it too. So what else is my lvling for? It's so...pointless. I've come back to the same problem I had with RO a year ago, when Ry first introduced it to me: the fact that there is no true goal of the game.
I haven't really touched RO for a day or two, since I've been reading Tokyo Crazy Paradise instead. And now today with Shirlene's email, I feel even more useless. I've wasted these past 2 months with neither a job or a side hobby. How is it that I'm so unmotivated?
I've been feeling self satisfaction because my parents are not bugging me nearly as much. Why? because I got in Berkeley. I managed to get straight A's on all the report cards that really matters (that last one technically didn't 'cause I had a B in PE, but that didn't really matter) and they're so happy that I got into Berkeley. We've been getting calls from all my mom's old friends in Tucson congratulating her on how well I did, and saying what a great daughter and student I am.
I've been sitting here thinking "oh, they're not really getting to me, I still feel humble" but really I'm not. I just realized how...egotistical I've become with these half heard conversations of my mom on the phone talking to her friends, telling them that I got into Berkeley, and hearing the congratulations. I'm being fed on these compliments and praises, and now I'm getting scared. Really scared.
I got 5's on all five of my APs, so what? I graduated with Honors. Yay. I got in Berkeley. That's great. I ask myself, and everyone, so what if I did all these things? I'm being fed on these compliments about how great I am. Even my mom was saying how out of all these children in my generation, I actually technically did the best, getting into one of the most well known colleges in the world. My MOM said that. I guess i really did get egotistical because of all this.
I now fear that once I get to Berkeley, I'm going to crumble under the weight or something. I don't know if I'll be able to take it. I mean, I think I have the confidence to go there and not break, and still get good scores, but I'm REALLY afraid right now that I'm confident because of all these ego-boosts. What if this self confidence is my downfall, that I think "oh, I can take 5 classes no problem, even at Berkeley" when I probably shouldn't?
I mean, look at me. Every day is a repeat of the same. I get up at 12 (today I even got up at 2PM), sit in front of the comp and download stuff, play RO for hours, EAT a whole shitload of stuff, then go back to my room and sit some more in front of the comp. Eat dinner, eat fruits, eat sugary popsicles, back to my seat, then sit there reading manga or playing RO or just doing nothing until 2 or 3AM, then go to sleep and get up progressively later in the day. Rinse. Repeat.
I ahven't even made my dad the website for Flow Logic yet. I haven't filled out forms for Citizenship confirmation, and i haven't done anything about requesting for scholarship money form (although that's because I think I have to give it to the financial office in person). I haven't even written a single word in any of my fanfics, and I haven't done any new wallpapers, at all. And that, at least, I pride myself in. I haven't gone out of the house almost at all, except for the couple of times I went to the bookstore to read, and that was rare enough. I don't have a job. I didn't do any studying on recursion, whcih is what I need if I were to take Comp Sci 61A. Instead, I signed up for CS 3, because i don't know recursion. I haven't learned any more Japanese. I haven't looked at a lick of Chinese. I just lie around all day. Hell, I find a lot of days where at 2AM when i go to sleep, I find my ass being tired and numb for sitting all day.
This is fucking wrong. >.< Rght now I find myself so fucking useless it's not even funny.
So let's summarize. I have no job. No internship. No side hobby or exercise. I sit in my chair. I sleep. I eat. I probably gained 20 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I don't even brush my TEETH as often as I used to. Wtf's wrong with me.
Good god I fucking suck.
Hoo boy, I'm so screwed. -_-;;
I got an email from Shirlene today and while it didn't say all that much, and she obviously didn't intend to hurt me or anything by it, I realized through that email just how useless and lazy I've been this summer. She's working on a UHS alumni webpage with pictures and stuff (and she's nice enough to think of me as well even though I didn't actually graduate from UHS) and she was working this summer in an internship with Hewlett Packert. AND she's taking kenpo. Good god I wish I actually had the courage to ask my dad if I can find a karate or martial arts class to take this summer, instead of wasting my time away on RO, sitting around, sleeping and eating. I noticed not very long ago that I definitely gained a lot of weight. Just a few weeks ago, when Tanya was here, I was still alright. Not in good shape, but not uber fat either. But I noticed since two days ago that my face got way rounder, and...well I'm just bigger around the waist again. -_-;;; Bah, I figured it was going to happe. Not a lot is gonna help now, but I'm gonna play DDR anyway.
The thing is, RO is getting boring too. For a while when I got bored of aeRO, I was having fun with piffy, and even now with all the internal disputes, I'm still having fun with it. But suddenly I just lost the purpose for liking it. It's really hard to lvl once you're around 50-60's and it just gets progressively harder as you go along. And worst of all, my main chara's a mage, making dying a piece of cake.
After spending hours just going around the same screen killing geos, and getting really close to lvl 70 (i'm half way past lvl 69), I'm wondering what's the point. I can say it's for WoE, and really it IS for WoE, except WoE's such a pain in the ass with Karin and his fucked up gang of GodSlayers. At this rate, I'm really considering not doing more WoE, and the GMs are considering it too. So what else is my lvling for? It's so...pointless. I've come back to the same problem I had with RO a year ago, when Ry first introduced it to me: the fact that there is no true goal of the game.
I haven't really touched RO for a day or two, since I've been reading Tokyo Crazy Paradise instead. And now today with Shirlene's email, I feel even more useless. I've wasted these past 2 months with neither a job or a side hobby. How is it that I'm so unmotivated?
I've been feeling self satisfaction because my parents are not bugging me nearly as much. Why? because I got in Berkeley. I managed to get straight A's on all the report cards that really matters (that last one technically didn't 'cause I had a B in PE, but that didn't really matter) and they're so happy that I got into Berkeley. We've been getting calls from all my mom's old friends in Tucson congratulating her on how well I did, and saying what a great daughter and student I am.
I've been sitting here thinking "oh, they're not really getting to me, I still feel humble" but really I'm not. I just realized how...egotistical I've become with these half heard conversations of my mom on the phone talking to her friends, telling them that I got into Berkeley, and hearing the congratulations. I'm being fed on these compliments and praises, and now I'm getting scared. Really scared.
I got 5's on all five of my APs, so what? I graduated with Honors. Yay. I got in Berkeley. That's great. I ask myself, and everyone, so what if I did all these things? I'm being fed on these compliments about how great I am. Even my mom was saying how out of all these children in my generation, I actually technically did the best, getting into one of the most well known colleges in the world. My MOM said that. I guess i really did get egotistical because of all this.
I now fear that once I get to Berkeley, I'm going to crumble under the weight or something. I don't know if I'll be able to take it. I mean, I think I have the confidence to go there and not break, and still get good scores, but I'm REALLY afraid right now that I'm confident because of all these ego-boosts. What if this self confidence is my downfall, that I think "oh, I can take 5 classes no problem, even at Berkeley" when I probably shouldn't?
I mean, look at me. Every day is a repeat of the same. I get up at 12 (today I even got up at 2PM), sit in front of the comp and download stuff, play RO for hours, EAT a whole shitload of stuff, then go back to my room and sit some more in front of the comp. Eat dinner, eat fruits, eat sugary popsicles, back to my seat, then sit there reading manga or playing RO or just doing nothing until 2 or 3AM, then go to sleep and get up progressively later in the day. Rinse. Repeat.
I ahven't even made my dad the website for Flow Logic yet. I haven't filled out forms for Citizenship confirmation, and i haven't done anything about requesting for scholarship money form (although that's because I think I have to give it to the financial office in person). I haven't even written a single word in any of my fanfics, and I haven't done any new wallpapers, at all. And that, at least, I pride myself in. I haven't gone out of the house almost at all, except for the couple of times I went to the bookstore to read, and that was rare enough. I don't have a job. I didn't do any studying on recursion, whcih is what I need if I were to take Comp Sci 61A. Instead, I signed up for CS 3, because i don't know recursion. I haven't learned any more Japanese. I haven't looked at a lick of Chinese. I just lie around all day. Hell, I find a lot of days where at 2AM when i go to sleep, I find my ass being tired and numb for sitting all day.
This is fucking wrong. >.< Rght now I find myself so fucking useless it's not even funny.
So let's summarize. I have no job. No internship. No side hobby or exercise. I sit in my chair. I sleep. I eat. I probably gained 20 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I don't even brush my TEETH as often as I used to. Wtf's wrong with me.
Good god I fucking suck.