It's been a while.
I am tired. And I bring weird Fujicest angst. I really love the way it came out, but on the other hand, it's depressing as hell. Consider yourself warned.
Mental; PG(-13?) for mentions of incest and being disturbing. Unrequited Fujicest. 599 words.
Mental
You come to visit him once a week, always on the same day, the same hour. He raises his head when you enter the room, regardless of the security officer who follows right after you, and his eyes shine.
“Yuuta.”
His voice is still the same as ever, just like those times you fought over the remote, or the last piece of raspberry pie (he always let you have it, do you remember that?), or when he teased you with a dirty remark you always caught one second too late.
“Aniki,” you answer, and you sit down on the bed beside him. He flinches, and you don’t know if it’s because of what you said or because of the sudden closeness, even though they’ve both become a habit in your visits. You long to raise your hand and touch him, just lightly, on the cheek, like he used to do when he thought you were asleep, but the security guard is still there, by the door, eyes scanning the room and you and him incessantly. You keep your hands tight against your body. “How are you?” You ask, carefully.
“I missed you,” He says, and your heart clenches. You want to touch him again. You can’t remember a time you didn’t want to touch him, actually, but you still leave your hands motionless by your sides.
You don’t know how to answer him, so you remain quiet.
“I never got to take you on that date,” he says suddenly, and when you look at him he’s looking outside the small window, at the empty backyard that has nothing green in it, at all. “You remember that day, Yuuta? I wanted to take you on a date and you blushed and didn’t answer me, but we never got to go on that date, ever at all.” He turns at you and he’s smiling, smiling, smiling and his eyes are so blue. “Would you go on a date with me, Yuuta, if we ever got the chance again?”
We’ll never get that chance, you want to answer him quietly and take him in your arms, but the security guard is watching and his lips are pressed tight together, so you back away from your brother like you should, and lower your gaze to the floor.
“Would you, Yuuta?” he asks again and there’s a hand touching you hair softly, softly, ever so softly. You want to stay like this forever.
The security guard steps into the room and you get up, shaking that hand away from you, and take two steps away from the bed. He tries to follow you, but the guard catches his arms and pins him down to the bed, telling you to quickly back away.
“Help me,” he begs and struggles and kicks in the air, trying to set himself free from the guard’s hold, trying to go after you. You take another tentative step backwards and his foot hits the guard’s knee, and then he’s thrown on the bed forcefully and tied before you can do anything, and he hisses “Bastard.”
The security officer says he thinks you should go now, maybe next week it’ll be better, and you nod and see from the corner of your eye how he’s still struggling on the bed, under the straps.
You swallow nervously and turn towards the door, and when your hand touches the handle he shouts, “I love you Yuuta!” and you nearly trip on the next step you take.
I love you too, aniki, you want to answer, but you know that you never ever will.
~
Lost; Same rating, takes place in the same world. 551 words.
Lost
Yuuta comes to visit him every week, exactly on the same time, and although he knows he shouldn’t he’s expecting those visits more than anything else in the world. He doesn’t care what he should or shouldn’t anyway, stopped caring a long time ago.
When Yuuta was young, really young, he was afraid of the dark and Shuusuke used to hold him in his arms until he calmed down, until he felt safe enough to get back to bed and fall asleep, knowing his big brother was guarding him. Best of all were the stormy nights, Shuusuke remembers with a smile and despises himself for doing so; because then Yuuta would come to his room holding a worn-out teddy bear in one hand, scrubbing his eyes with the other, and he would say “I’m scared, aniki,” in this sort of voice Shuusuke could never refuse, and then he could hold him under the blankets, sometimes for the whole night.
Shuusuke wishes he could be scared of the dark sometimes. He doubts someone would come to save him then, though.
When Yuuta visits it’s always the same, awkward questions and a mass of memories that flood his mind even when he’s trying to forget it all and simply relish in Yuuta’s presence, since he doesn’t come that often. There’s always more silence than actual words, and even though he tries and he tries he can’t reach Yuuta, and his brother always leaves with the same hollow expression on his face, the same frightened eyes. He wonders sometimes if his brother fears him, if he hates him. On the good days it’s obvious that he isn’t since why would he bother visiting at all if he didn’t want to, he could act just like the rest of the family and ignore him (Shuusuke wonders how his sister is doing, he hasn’t seen her for so long) but on the bad days he isn’t sure of anything, it’s only Yuuta’s face and that terrified expression and he doesn’t know what to make of it, what to think. He wishes he could stop thinking.
If they gave him a racket now, he doesn’t think he could play.
He misses tennis, in a way he never thought he would.
Sometimes he entertains himself with the thought of Yuuta coming on another day, or maybe with a new shirt. He looks nice in blue. Maybe Yuuta could bring him something on the next time he visits, something mundane like the last ticket to the movie he saw, or one of his old tennis balls, or even just a pebble he picked up from the street. They used to sit and make up stories when they were little, about anything and everything. Surely he didn’t lose that talent even now?
The nights are worse of all because even though it never happened he craves a warm body in his bed, craves the smell and heat and touch. His little brother is so beautiful, so very very beautiful, he sits by the window and pretends there’s no ground and looks up at the moon, humming to himself every night.
It makes him laugh softly when morning comes and they find him, eyes always blank and bleary, and they ask him if everything is okay.
Everything is fine. Just fine.
~~~
I'd love to know what you think. :)
Good night.
Mental; PG(-13?) for mentions of incest and being disturbing. Unrequited Fujicest. 599 words.
Mental
You come to visit him once a week, always on the same day, the same hour. He raises his head when you enter the room, regardless of the security officer who follows right after you, and his eyes shine.
“Yuuta.”
His voice is still the same as ever, just like those times you fought over the remote, or the last piece of raspberry pie (he always let you have it, do you remember that?), or when he teased you with a dirty remark you always caught one second too late.
“Aniki,” you answer, and you sit down on the bed beside him. He flinches, and you don’t know if it’s because of what you said or because of the sudden closeness, even though they’ve both become a habit in your visits. You long to raise your hand and touch him, just lightly, on the cheek, like he used to do when he thought you were asleep, but the security guard is still there, by the door, eyes scanning the room and you and him incessantly. You keep your hands tight against your body. “How are you?” You ask, carefully.
“I missed you,” He says, and your heart clenches. You want to touch him again. You can’t remember a time you didn’t want to touch him, actually, but you still leave your hands motionless by your sides.
You don’t know how to answer him, so you remain quiet.
“I never got to take you on that date,” he says suddenly, and when you look at him he’s looking outside the small window, at the empty backyard that has nothing green in it, at all. “You remember that day, Yuuta? I wanted to take you on a date and you blushed and didn’t answer me, but we never got to go on that date, ever at all.” He turns at you and he’s smiling, smiling, smiling and his eyes are so blue. “Would you go on a date with me, Yuuta, if we ever got the chance again?”
We’ll never get that chance, you want to answer him quietly and take him in your arms, but the security guard is watching and his lips are pressed tight together, so you back away from your brother like you should, and lower your gaze to the floor.
“Would you, Yuuta?” he asks again and there’s a hand touching you hair softly, softly, ever so softly. You want to stay like this forever.
The security guard steps into the room and you get up, shaking that hand away from you, and take two steps away from the bed. He tries to follow you, but the guard catches his arms and pins him down to the bed, telling you to quickly back away.
“Help me,” he begs and struggles and kicks in the air, trying to set himself free from the guard’s hold, trying to go after you. You take another tentative step backwards and his foot hits the guard’s knee, and then he’s thrown on the bed forcefully and tied before you can do anything, and he hisses “Bastard.”
The security officer says he thinks you should go now, maybe next week it’ll be better, and you nod and see from the corner of your eye how he’s still struggling on the bed, under the straps.
You swallow nervously and turn towards the door, and when your hand touches the handle he shouts, “I love you Yuuta!” and you nearly trip on the next step you take.
I love you too, aniki, you want to answer, but you know that you never ever will.
~
Lost; Same rating, takes place in the same world. 551 words.
Lost
Yuuta comes to visit him every week, exactly on the same time, and although he knows he shouldn’t he’s expecting those visits more than anything else in the world. He doesn’t care what he should or shouldn’t anyway, stopped caring a long time ago.
When Yuuta was young, really young, he was afraid of the dark and Shuusuke used to hold him in his arms until he calmed down, until he felt safe enough to get back to bed and fall asleep, knowing his big brother was guarding him. Best of all were the stormy nights, Shuusuke remembers with a smile and despises himself for doing so; because then Yuuta would come to his room holding a worn-out teddy bear in one hand, scrubbing his eyes with the other, and he would say “I’m scared, aniki,” in this sort of voice Shuusuke could never refuse, and then he could hold him under the blankets, sometimes for the whole night.
Shuusuke wishes he could be scared of the dark sometimes. He doubts someone would come to save him then, though.
When Yuuta visits it’s always the same, awkward questions and a mass of memories that flood his mind even when he’s trying to forget it all and simply relish in Yuuta’s presence, since he doesn’t come that often. There’s always more silence than actual words, and even though he tries and he tries he can’t reach Yuuta, and his brother always leaves with the same hollow expression on his face, the same frightened eyes. He wonders sometimes if his brother fears him, if he hates him. On the good days it’s obvious that he isn’t since why would he bother visiting at all if he didn’t want to, he could act just like the rest of the family and ignore him (Shuusuke wonders how his sister is doing, he hasn’t seen her for so long) but on the bad days he isn’t sure of anything, it’s only Yuuta’s face and that terrified expression and he doesn’t know what to make of it, what to think. He wishes he could stop thinking.
If they gave him a racket now, he doesn’t think he could play.
He misses tennis, in a way he never thought he would.
Sometimes he entertains himself with the thought of Yuuta coming on another day, or maybe with a new shirt. He looks nice in blue. Maybe Yuuta could bring him something on the next time he visits, something mundane like the last ticket to the movie he saw, or one of his old tennis balls, or even just a pebble he picked up from the street. They used to sit and make up stories when they were little, about anything and everything. Surely he didn’t lose that talent even now?
The nights are worse of all because even though it never happened he craves a warm body in his bed, craves the smell and heat and touch. His little brother is so beautiful, so very very beautiful, he sits by the window and pretends there’s no ground and looks up at the moon, humming to himself every night.
It makes him laugh softly when morning comes and they find him, eyes always blank and bleary, and they ask him if everything is okay.
Everything is fine. Just fine.
~~~
I'd love to know what you think. :)
Good night.