I Gave You All, Cole & Stefan
They lay in the grass, their breaths even and in sync as they stare at bright stars above them, a dark sky stretching from West to East, a whole other world for their curious eyes. The lights of LA aren’t too far from them in their secluded field tucked away in the rows of middle class homes. No one’s awake, the children are sleeping along with their parents, having to wake early the next morning to continue their mundane lives. It’s something Cole’s escaped and fled, leading him to this moment here with his previous case partner.
“Do you ever wonder how big Heaven must be to accommodate all those who’ve passed on?” And Cole turns his head to look at Stefan, a small smile on the Polack’s lips as he doesn’t turn to face him but instead, his irises focus on the brightest star above him.
“Only you and perhaps the minister of the church would think such thoughts, Phelps. Leave them and relax.”
But Cole can’t relax as he shifts, suddenly uncomfortable as he recalls the men from the war. They’re in better places now, Cole hopes as he bites his lower lip and he feels Stefan’s hands searching for his and he’s not sure if he’s comfortable with that just yet. So he slowly and subtly pulls his hand back and places it on his stomach and watches as it rises and falls and he can picture his lungs right now, constricting and expanding slowly and wonderfully with each intake of air he inhales and exhales.
He listens to Stefan’s hand rustle in the grass and then suddenly the sound is gone and replaced with the complete shifting of his body and now Stefan’s on his side, looking at Cole and Cole refuses to look at him because it’s not feeling right.
“You’re not relaxing.”
“Yes I am.” No he’s not, because it’s not possible. Cole Phelps cannot relax; he cannot sit still and let other people waste away when he has the chance to redeem them - to redeem himself from the horrors of the war.
“Fine, let’s go then. I’m sure a new murder has turned up.” Stefan sits up and Cole can hear the disappointment in his voice but he doesn’t care. When they walk back to the car, Stefan reaches quickly and grabs Cole’s in his own and squeezes tightly before he pushes him up against a tree, kissing him hard on the lips. It makes Cole’s head spin and his chest tightens and he’s not really sure what to do back because he’s never been with a man, especially one like Bekowsky and it’s odd, trying to keep his distance and at the same time, comply to his needs because Stefan sure as hell can fulfill them.
But Cole breaks away and turns his head so that he sees Stefan out the corner of his eye and he can see the disappointment on the detective’s face. They don’t say anything as they walk to the car and drive back to the station.
***
Stefan has to try his hardest not to panic as Cole grips his shoulder and hangs his head, not a single word explaining what’s happening. He can’t see the older man’s face so all Stefan can do is close his apartment door before anybody else sees them in this weird position. And Stefan feels awkward as he’s standing in front of Cole, wearing his plaid pajama pants and his plain white wife beater that he wears to bed. For a moment, he’s curious to what the Homicide detective wears to bed because he hasn’t slept, just plainly slept, with him yet.
That’s what Stefan believes he’s here for but he catches a glimpse of Cole’s expression and he can tell that they won’t be exchanging intimate body heat tonight. And Stefan’s not sure what to say when he feels something wet on his forearm and when he looks down, he realizes it’s warm tears and he can hear Cole sniffle harshly.
He’s not sure if saying anything would help right now, if Cole wants to handle this on his own but then Stefan thinks, he’s here for a reason. If he wanted to be alone, he would be, he wouldn’t have come to Stefan’s apartment unless he wanted him.
Hesitantly, Stefan licks his thin, rose coloured lips before he tilts Cole’s chin up gently and presses their lips together tenderly. He can’t speak with words, but perhaps his actions can say more. But Cole pulls away, his clammy hand leaving Stefan’s shoulder as he makes his way to the bedroom.
Cole doesn’t say anything but when he starts to undress, Stefan forces a smiles and follows suit before joining him as he closes the door. He doesn’t find out what Cole had been crying over because he doesn’t ask and Cole doesn’t bother to mention it and the minute they’re done, Cole’s rolled onto his side on the edge of the bed, sleeping soundlessly.
***
“We’re not together.”
Stefan stares, disorientated, at him as Cole picks up the small cup of coffee the waitress has just dropped off for him and suddenly, Stefan’s finding it hard to form words as they fall apart in his mind and nothing is coherent.
“We never were. I told you from the start I didn’t want this and yet you pursued it anyways and I gave in. People do this all the time; but it doesn’t mean it’s love or affection, anything of the sorts. It’s just chemistry between two people, a physical attraction - I guess in ways, I can compare it to prostitution-”
“Stop.” Stefan manages to spit out as his thin fingers grow pale around the glass in his hand. This is hardly breakfast conversation and it’s making his head spin because this is not how he imagined it to go at all. He had been hoping for a playful smile, the one Stefan’s began to miss so much because it’s been too long since he’s seen it; he’d been hoping for a soft reassurance that Cole was all his, that they were going steady and that Stefan made Cole’s heart pound as much as Cole made his do so.
But instead, Cole’s words are tearing him down and the illusion he had set up foolishly is crumbling by the second.
“Are you going to finish your toast?” Stefan doesn’t say anything as he looks at Cole because the man looks completely emotionless and Stefan knows he’s apathetic, but he’s not heartless, although Stefan wasn’t too sure about that anymore. It was as if Cole hasn’t just told the man who loves him that he was nothing to him. Perhaps Stefan was a friend, a companion, but he wasn’t someone that Cole was in love with; and that’s all Stefan wanted.
Someone to love him in return.
***
And somehow, Stefan finds himself shoulder to shoulder with Cole, both of them taking cover behind a wall with multiple shots firing at them from the alleyway.
All Stefan can think of is their morning in a diner, three days ago.
It wasn’t prostitution if he wasn’t getting paid. If it wasn’t that, what was it? Being lost in thought had cost Stefan; two bullets in the shoulder that Cole had been so gingerly pressed against before he had moved cover. Cole scolds him in the hospital; his words demeaning instead of comforting and it was more disappointing than frustrating because Stefan had been expecting it all along as he was driven to the infirmary.
***
It wasn’t even a relationship; Stefan hardly knows Cole and Cole hardly knows Stefan. They’re like blind old men to each other because all Stefan can register when he sees the man is how his lips feel against his neck and down his chest and not the endearing things he says to Stefan. Because they don’t exist.
And they never will as long as they continue this. Whatever this is.
***
Stefan’s actually surprised they’ve managed to last more than three months, that he’s put up with Cole’s pathetic excuses and obvious avoidances for this long and that now, they’ve hit the breaking point.
Stefan can’t see, the tears welling in his eyes are blurring everything in front of him and he can only stumble blindly backwards as Cole starts to walk towards him but he doesn’t want this. Doesn’t want whatever they’ve been doing anymore because he can’t take it anymore.
“Stefan, look-”
“Just shut up, Cole. I don’t want to hear any of your bullshit. Don’t tell me you love me - don’t you dare tell me you want me to stay because you fucking don’t.” Stefan’s tone is dangerous and he can see that Cole’s stops walking towards him and he wonders if Cole can see that he’s trembling, that his emotions are shaking him violently and his fists are clenching tightly. He’s never wanted to hit someone so bad and he knows if Cole takes another step towards him, his knuckles will leave an imprint on that pretty face of his.
“I wasn’t going to tell you any of that. If you’d just let me talk…” Cole stops for a moment and Stefan squeezes his eyes shut and he feels those stupid tears spill over onto his flushed, burning cheeks and he hates it, hates how weak and vulnerable he is in this moment and it’s his own fault.
“I gave you all, Cole. I gave you everything you could have asked for and yet here we are, two strangers, two people with two very different feelings.”
“Because we’re two different people, Stefan. Have you not realized that in these past few months? I have a God damn wife waiting for me at home with two beautiful children. You think I’m going to continue to play this silly little game with you? You’re a good guy, Stefan, but your priorities are set up in the wrong order completely. I don’t need what you need because I have love at home, waiting for me, as she has for the past seven years.”
“Oh don’t pull that bullshit with me, you fucking hypocrite.” And Stefan feels the resentment starting to build and it’s filling him up and he’s seeing red as the tears clear because he’s not upset anymore. He’s beyond furious and his shoulders are tense and rigid because Cole’s taking his words and ripping them apart, making everything he says meaningless in his attempt to turn the tables. “You don’t love her, you were never a family man - you’re a case man, Cole. Your job will always be more important than anything in your life. And if you loved her, why in God’s name did you sleep with me, huh? Why the fuck did you start this fucked up relationship with me, Phelps?” His navy blue eyes are hard and determined as he focuses them on Cole who’s suddenly looking very sheepish and Stefan knows that he’s ready to back out, to run away from his problems like he’s always done.
And Cole turns his back to Stefan, his hand immediately reaching out to the doorknob of their motel room and Stefan steps forward to stop him but he freezes in place.
“Fine. Leave, Cole. Don’t expect to come back. You’ve won. You’ve hurt me more than anyone else in my life has.” And Stefan grinds his teeth, his stomach twisting as he waits for Cole to turn back around and apologize, to say that it was all a mistake. But what Stefan imagined was never reality, never a plausible option; instead Cole opens the door and leaves.
“Fuck you, Phelps.” Stefan snarls before he grabs the glass he had been drinking out of and hurls it at the closing door, his chest rising and falling heavily before he slumps into the chair, his eyes keen on the exit Cole’s just taken out of his life.
Maybe he’ll come back.
***
But he doesn’t. Not for a week.
***
Stefan sees him in the station but it’s only quick, fleeting glances and sometimes, it’s like he’s not even there. There’s moments of hope, times where Stefan feels that things can be mended and they can at least be friends.
But what had happened between them, they had never been friends - so how could they go back to that if they never had it at all in the first place?
***
And it’s not until Stefan reads the headline of the newspaper that he stops thinking certain, optimistic thoughts of Cole Phelps.
He couldn’t love Stefan, a man who would give him everything in order for him to be happy; but he could love a random German whore. The thought made Stefan’s stomach sick and he threw the paper out in the garbage before he left the station, unable to focus on any work.
***
He finds comfort in the silence of his apartment and when he lies on his bed, he’s happy no one else is there to join him.
Stefan prefers mourn by himself.