(no subject)
so, it feels like there is a big gaping hole where my heart should be....but, i really don't know if it was ever really there in the first place. its kinda funny how even the people that claim to care about you find the need to out you down, and turn you into a bad guy in their heads just to make their empty lives of not caring about anyone seem just a little bit better. heh, as if i can't do that on my own. i used to not understand why people are the way they are, emotionless zombies running around with not even a shred of humanity or feeling, but the more and more i think about it, i really wonder what the point is. i try so hard just to make other people happy, and fix everything and make it all ok for them, and for what? for them to turn me into their scapegoat, and take for granted and advantage of everything that i am. i always try to do as much as i can for the people around me, and what is the point? by the time they realize what i did, or almost killed myself trying to do for them, its too late. by then they have already ripped my heart out numerous times and proceeded to stomp on it right in front of me, and then they come back with some sob story about how they just didn't see it then, and really are sorry with a giant guilt trip about being a different person now, like its their last final attempt to destroy me. i could scream and no one would hear it. i really can't put into words all that i want to say, but this is my last entry in this journal. it doesn't suit me anymore. when i was younger, going through shit that no child should ever be subject to, i used to sit there for hours, wishing everyday for at least a little of the pain to go away, for things to be just a little better, or to experience any kind of happiness, even for just a little bit, but those were just stupid hopes of a silly little girl, because nothing got better, nothing got easier, the same exact things kept repeating themselves, and everyone just turned their heads, like nothing was wrong, and life was all marshmellows and daisys, and sure, they could lie to themselves, and ignore the scared little girl sitting there with no one to tell her everything would be ok, because how could they. no one cares about anyone anymore, no one feels anything real anymore, and when someone actually breaks out of that mold and tries to bestow even the smallest amount of light into a world cast into darkness, their light is extinguished, by the same people that they practically sacrifice themselves by tring to help, so what is the point, when no one sees you until after youre gone....