(no subject)
not really interesting, and probably pointless to read. just honest emotion.....
so, alot of things have been going through my head the past couple of days, i've been meditating, but i think i need to meditate some more, i need clarity.
brent has been on my mind alot latley. i keep telling myself, he doesn't give a damn, so neither do i, but thats not the case at all. i will always love him, he will always be my best friend in my heart, and it really does hurt, the fact that he doesn't care. and, i dont understand why he wouldn't want to see me, or at least talk to me, i did everything for him, but that doesn't hurt nearly as much as just shutting him out like he doesnt exist. somewhere, inside, brent is still there....he may be zombie boy right now, but he's still in there, i know he is, and i can't just give up on that....
then theres yuri. he is the first guy in my life that i ever had real feelings for, i know we did't know eachother for very long, but that doesn't matter to me, its just something that i cant explain, and for that temporary lack of numb-ness, if for nothing else, i am grateful. everything seemed so right, it felt right, like it just fit, but more and more i am feeling like it doesn't....there is someone out there, someone i've been looking for. i know it sounds insane, but i dont care, i can feel this presence, pulling me in, and i really thought i saw that in him, i know i did for at least a second....but when i close my eyes, and slip into meditation, the presense that i feel is different than him now. almost like its not him. and i cant explain that, or even understand it. i dont know if its just wrong timing, or if its really not him at all....but, i can feel this presense, i can can feel it so strong that its like he is here with me now, but i don't understand how that could possibly be yuri, with everything thats going on right now....i need meditation....
so, alot of things have been going through my head the past couple of days, i've been meditating, but i think i need to meditate some more, i need clarity.
brent has been on my mind alot latley. i keep telling myself, he doesn't give a damn, so neither do i, but thats not the case at all. i will always love him, he will always be my best friend in my heart, and it really does hurt, the fact that he doesn't care. and, i dont understand why he wouldn't want to see me, or at least talk to me, i did everything for him, but that doesn't hurt nearly as much as just shutting him out like he doesnt exist. somewhere, inside, brent is still there....he may be zombie boy right now, but he's still in there, i know he is, and i can't just give up on that....
then theres yuri. he is the first guy in my life that i ever had real feelings for, i know we did't know eachother for very long, but that doesn't matter to me, its just something that i cant explain, and for that temporary lack of numb-ness, if for nothing else, i am grateful. everything seemed so right, it felt right, like it just fit, but more and more i am feeling like it doesn't....there is someone out there, someone i've been looking for. i know it sounds insane, but i dont care, i can feel this presence, pulling me in, and i really thought i saw that in him, i know i did for at least a second....but when i close my eyes, and slip into meditation, the presense that i feel is different than him now. almost like its not him. and i cant explain that, or even understand it. i dont know if its just wrong timing, or if its really not him at all....but, i can feel this presense, i can can feel it so strong that its like he is here with me now, but i don't understand how that could possibly be yuri, with everything thats going on right now....i need meditation....