A Grudge vs. Experience
Yup. I did promise an entry on the difference between the two, and as I've a- nothing better to do, and b- nothing I'm in the mood to do because I feel like doing about 5 things at once, I decided I might as well go ahead and take care of this one.
The main reason for this is because there is someone who actually thinks I harbor some grudge against them for things that happened in the recent (last few months) past. This could not be further from the truth.
Here is why.
Holding a grudge indicates one or more of the follwoing:
1. Actively seeking to cause negativity in another's life in some way, shape or form.
2. While not actively seeking to cause negativity, a willingness to do so by taking advantage should the opportunity happen to present itself.
and
3. While neither actively seeking to cause negativity, nor being willing to take advantage of an opportunity to do so should one happen to arise, the wishing of negativity to occur for said other person/s.
With those qualifiers established, I am NOT actively seeking to cause negative energies to enter into this person's life, I am NOT going to take advantage of any opportunity to do so should one happen to arise, and I do NOT wish or desire negativity for this person. There's no point.
In truth, I hope that his business and creative endeavors succeed and he is able to do what he wants. I wish the very best for him. In fact, my early relationship with him did play a part in helping to inspire me for some of my own creative endeavors, and there is no reason for me to wish him ill or harm.
Despite his faults, he's not really a bad guy.
However, someone is considered a friend not because of a lack of faults, or in spite of their faults, but because of their faults. (i.e. you decided they are faults that help make the person who they are, and so are not really faults per se, but quirks)
The past year has taught me many things, not the least of which is a vast re-examining of exactly what I can, will, and will not tolerate, overlook, and/or learn to work with in someone I consider a friend.
In the case above, recent events have shown me that there are certain faults that this person has that I am now fully aware of, where I was not before, and that they are ones I am not willing to tolerate in someone whom I would consider a friend.
Now, that said.... having re-examined certain things after said recent events, I concluded that I no longer wished to be in a friendship with this person.
When I encountered this person at con, it was made clear that our friendship was now null and void, and why.
What I ultimately took away from that meeting, however, was a vast amusement at the fact that he seems to think it's because of some grudge I have because of these recent events, when in reality all I did was make a conclusion based upon my (now) past experiences.
I'm too old for petty bullshit. It's not worth the time, effort and negative energies in my OWN life to deal with. So I don't anymore, if I can at all avoid it. And, how do I avoid it?
I LEARN.
From EXPERIENCE.
When I do something, and/or something happens, I make a note of the result and how it affects me. When enough times the result is negative, I learn to NOT do and/or NOT be around whatever it is that gave me the negative result.
Put simply: When you do x, and y happens, that's one thing.
When you do x multiple times, and y is the result EVERY time, then experience says.... yup, you guessed it: x = y
So, if I do something to try and help, and it gets misread/ignored and promptly blown up in my face, with me coming out the bad guy somehow... I get upset. Understandable, but not necessarily friendship ending, right? Right.
But, when that same person time and again misreads/ignores things which leads to more negative results, it's not hard to see the pattern that emerges. When those results are large enough, it's even easier to use 20/20 hindsight to see that which you had previously missed.
Now, even through all of that, that's not necessarily friendship ending because- it could be that that's just the way the person is. They aren't trying to cause you negativity, it's just that how they are interacts with how you are in a negative way. Sometimes, all that is required is for one or both parties to adjust a little bit...
For example, in high school I was friends with a girl who was one of "those" people. The ones gamers can't stand because "they KNEW someone who did D&D and couldn't separate fiction from reality," and thus believe that everyone who plays D&D is like that, and that therefore D&D must be evil. The reason our friendship worked is because once that negative interaction was experienced, we both agreed that the topic just wouldn't come up. I didn't mention my gaming, and she didn't mention her bad opinion of it, and we got along great.
It ultimately breaks down to one or both parties having to decide if it is not only possible to come to some sort of adjustment, but if it is even worth it.
In the case I've been talking about in this post, however... When I examined the cause and effect of the negative interactions between our personalities, I decided not only was it not possible, but that even if it were, it was no longer worth it to me to bother trying.
I don't wish him any ill will or harm or anything, it's merely that experience has shown me that I just no longer wish to interact with him as a friend, or consider him such.
That's not a grudge, that's learning from experience, pure and simple.
Right... so... now that I've got that out of the way, I'm going to go wander around the house looking at the tv, my art desk, my ships, and who knows what else for the next 20-30 minutes hopelessly lost on what to do, thereby accomplishing absolutely nothing, at which point I will likely decide to go to bed since I've "got nothing else better to do."
Laters.
The main reason for this is because there is someone who actually thinks I harbor some grudge against them for things that happened in the recent (last few months) past. This could not be further from the truth.
Here is why.
Holding a grudge indicates one or more of the follwoing:
1. Actively seeking to cause negativity in another's life in some way, shape or form.
2. While not actively seeking to cause negativity, a willingness to do so by taking advantage should the opportunity happen to present itself.
and
3. While neither actively seeking to cause negativity, nor being willing to take advantage of an opportunity to do so should one happen to arise, the wishing of negativity to occur for said other person/s.
With those qualifiers established, I am NOT actively seeking to cause negative energies to enter into this person's life, I am NOT going to take advantage of any opportunity to do so should one happen to arise, and I do NOT wish or desire negativity for this person. There's no point.
In truth, I hope that his business and creative endeavors succeed and he is able to do what he wants. I wish the very best for him. In fact, my early relationship with him did play a part in helping to inspire me for some of my own creative endeavors, and there is no reason for me to wish him ill or harm.
Despite his faults, he's not really a bad guy.
However, someone is considered a friend not because of a lack of faults, or in spite of their faults, but because of their faults. (i.e. you decided they are faults that help make the person who they are, and so are not really faults per se, but quirks)
The past year has taught me many things, not the least of which is a vast re-examining of exactly what I can, will, and will not tolerate, overlook, and/or learn to work with in someone I consider a friend.
In the case above, recent events have shown me that there are certain faults that this person has that I am now fully aware of, where I was not before, and that they are ones I am not willing to tolerate in someone whom I would consider a friend.
Now, that said.... having re-examined certain things after said recent events, I concluded that I no longer wished to be in a friendship with this person.
When I encountered this person at con, it was made clear that our friendship was now null and void, and why.
What I ultimately took away from that meeting, however, was a vast amusement at the fact that he seems to think it's because of some grudge I have because of these recent events, when in reality all I did was make a conclusion based upon my (now) past experiences.
I'm too old for petty bullshit. It's not worth the time, effort and negative energies in my OWN life to deal with. So I don't anymore, if I can at all avoid it. And, how do I avoid it?
I LEARN.
From EXPERIENCE.
When I do something, and/or something happens, I make a note of the result and how it affects me. When enough times the result is negative, I learn to NOT do and/or NOT be around whatever it is that gave me the negative result.
Put simply: When you do x, and y happens, that's one thing.
When you do x multiple times, and y is the result EVERY time, then experience says.... yup, you guessed it: x = y
So, if I do something to try and help, and it gets misread/ignored and promptly blown up in my face, with me coming out the bad guy somehow... I get upset. Understandable, but not necessarily friendship ending, right? Right.
But, when that same person time and again misreads/ignores things which leads to more negative results, it's not hard to see the pattern that emerges. When those results are large enough, it's even easier to use 20/20 hindsight to see that which you had previously missed.
Now, even through all of that, that's not necessarily friendship ending because- it could be that that's just the way the person is. They aren't trying to cause you negativity, it's just that how they are interacts with how you are in a negative way. Sometimes, all that is required is for one or both parties to adjust a little bit...
For example, in high school I was friends with a girl who was one of "those" people. The ones gamers can't stand because "they KNEW someone who did D&D and couldn't separate fiction from reality," and thus believe that everyone who plays D&D is like that, and that therefore D&D must be evil. The reason our friendship worked is because once that negative interaction was experienced, we both agreed that the topic just wouldn't come up. I didn't mention my gaming, and she didn't mention her bad opinion of it, and we got along great.
It ultimately breaks down to one or both parties having to decide if it is not only possible to come to some sort of adjustment, but if it is even worth it.
In the case I've been talking about in this post, however... When I examined the cause and effect of the negative interactions between our personalities, I decided not only was it not possible, but that even if it were, it was no longer worth it to me to bother trying.
I don't wish him any ill will or harm or anything, it's merely that experience has shown me that I just no longer wish to interact with him as a friend, or consider him such.
That's not a grudge, that's learning from experience, pure and simple.
Right... so... now that I've got that out of the way, I'm going to go wander around the house looking at the tv, my art desk, my ships, and who knows what else for the next 20-30 minutes hopelessly lost on what to do, thereby accomplishing absolutely nothing, at which point I will likely decide to go to bed since I've "got nothing else better to do."
Laters.