(no subject)
I rememeber those nights I fought for him; those nights I stayed up long after the stars came out, wishing that I could call him mine. I even dreamt and imagined that he was laying behind me, and I was wrapped up tight in his arms. Even then, I could feel his spirit, and longed for some type of harmony to ease the nights. I even remember the tension between she and I, the moment we met, and how our eyes locked. It's funny how much females can say between each other with a simple "hello." Or, at least, how much -I- was saying.
When I met him, he was lost. Caught between alot of things, and unsure of his direction. That was the person I fell in love with. He was confused, and unsure of himself, and was just open to anyone interpretation. I can't feel him now. It's like I reach out, seeking, and my hands come back with nothing. There used to be such a bond; as if I could turn around in an empty room, and see him smiling at me with that stupid look on his face.
I am a creature of perpetual continuity. If I could, I would take what changed and smother it with every fiber of my being. However, I realize the impossibility of this; for how can I smother something that I cannot even find? What changed? What infintessimal little click spurred such a metalic taste in my mouth? Why is it that now, despite everything that has happened, I feel so numb, and misguided, and emotionless?
Part of me wants to think that I have Fixed what was Broken, and now my job is done. That seems to be the way things work. Or, maybe, I am simply drawn to sadness.
Whatever the reason is, I find myself questioning my faith in everything. Do I believe in God? Do I believe that there is still some good left in the world? Are there still people out there with a single shred of humanity left in them? They say that ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I wish I was a little more ignorant, and could simply live like most people seem to; happy, content with their surroundings, and less observant.
I used to sit in Church wondering how rows and rows of people could sit and idol a person who lived so many years ago. He has no body. He has no true face. He simply IS. The term Blind Faith comes to mind. Perhaps, just perhaps, I should try putting a little more faith in people.
Forgive me if this seems like a rant. I'm not feeling well, and I have alot on my plate right now. I'm unsure of how to handle my current situation, and it's killing me inside.
When I met him, he was lost. Caught between alot of things, and unsure of his direction. That was the person I fell in love with. He was confused, and unsure of himself, and was just open to anyone interpretation. I can't feel him now. It's like I reach out, seeking, and my hands come back with nothing. There used to be such a bond; as if I could turn around in an empty room, and see him smiling at me with that stupid look on his face.
I am a creature of perpetual continuity. If I could, I would take what changed and smother it with every fiber of my being. However, I realize the impossibility of this; for how can I smother something that I cannot even find? What changed? What infintessimal little click spurred such a metalic taste in my mouth? Why is it that now, despite everything that has happened, I feel so numb, and misguided, and emotionless?
Part of me wants to think that I have Fixed what was Broken, and now my job is done. That seems to be the way things work. Or, maybe, I am simply drawn to sadness.
Whatever the reason is, I find myself questioning my faith in everything. Do I believe in God? Do I believe that there is still some good left in the world? Are there still people out there with a single shred of humanity left in them? They say that ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I wish I was a little more ignorant, and could simply live like most people seem to; happy, content with their surroundings, and less observant.
I used to sit in Church wondering how rows and rows of people could sit and idol a person who lived so many years ago. He has no body. He has no true face. He simply IS. The term Blind Faith comes to mind. Perhaps, just perhaps, I should try putting a little more faith in people.
Forgive me if this seems like a rant. I'm not feeling well, and I have alot on my plate right now. I'm unsure of how to handle my current situation, and it's killing me inside.