(no subject)
I was at a party last night and had no basis for conversation with most people, instead half-listening to their own stories while struggling to think of something interesting to say. Perhaps this is why I feel "boring" around other people. I need to present a false persona, but thinking about how that persona would act takes longer than I can express at the speed of a normal conversation. I am at my best when I am in an online conversation for example, given enough time and distance to make up a convincing fake person.
I would imagine that other people can't afford to think about their tastes and opinions at the speed of a conversation either, so they draw upon their pre-formed ideas and simply communicate them to other people. Maybe I need some pre-formed opinions of my own (found through getting in touch with the wants and needs of my true self) before I can really be myself in actual, real world conversations.
The problem is I can't seem to accept my life and to compensate I ignore reality. To me, reality is full of disappointment. It seems best to lose myself in fantasies (such as games) than deal with the very real problem of not measuring up to whatever I believe I should be.
I also believe I can think my way out of anything. I can procrastinate for years (currently on my half-assed continuing study of the Japanese language) and then feel like I can just pull something out of my ass at the last moment.
Sometimes it works. Particularly for school papers, it feels good to have my ego boosted by only having to put forth a few hours of effort to get grade A essays. But there are some things that require actual mind-numbing hours of study (e.g. Japanese) and cannot just be pulled out of my ass at the last second. Although I am able to understand most written Japanese (at least after consulting a dictionary since I do not study any vocabulary), spoken Japanese occurs at the speed of thought, giving you no time to think of your reply. And the fact is, relying on your internal logical sense is not enough to allow you to actually apply yourself to the real world. But anything else requires determined study within the world of reality, and again, reality is full of disappointment.
The fact is that I do have an ego. It's just based on an unobtainable fantasy, which ultimately leaves me feeling frustrated and worthless when I can't live up to it. I need accept my real self--both the positive attributes and the faults--in order to shift my self concept to something that is closer to reality. Only then can I be comfortable in my own skin, and ready to face the rest of the world.
I would imagine that other people can't afford to think about their tastes and opinions at the speed of a conversation either, so they draw upon their pre-formed ideas and simply communicate them to other people. Maybe I need some pre-formed opinions of my own (found through getting in touch with the wants and needs of my true self) before I can really be myself in actual, real world conversations.
The problem is I can't seem to accept my life and to compensate I ignore reality. To me, reality is full of disappointment. It seems best to lose myself in fantasies (such as games) than deal with the very real problem of not measuring up to whatever I believe I should be.
I also believe I can think my way out of anything. I can procrastinate for years (currently on my half-assed continuing study of the Japanese language) and then feel like I can just pull something out of my ass at the last moment.
Sometimes it works. Particularly for school papers, it feels good to have my ego boosted by only having to put forth a few hours of effort to get grade A essays. But there are some things that require actual mind-numbing hours of study (e.g. Japanese) and cannot just be pulled out of my ass at the last second. Although I am able to understand most written Japanese (at least after consulting a dictionary since I do not study any vocabulary), spoken Japanese occurs at the speed of thought, giving you no time to think of your reply. And the fact is, relying on your internal logical sense is not enough to allow you to actually apply yourself to the real world. But anything else requires determined study within the world of reality, and again, reality is full of disappointment.
The fact is that I do have an ego. It's just based on an unobtainable fantasy, which ultimately leaves me feeling frustrated and worthless when I can't live up to it. I need accept my real self--both the positive attributes and the faults--in order to shift my self concept to something that is closer to reality. Only then can I be comfortable in my own skin, and ready to face the rest of the world.