(no subject)
This is the second time going out with this girl, and the second time that I've come home feeling like I'm about to have some kind of nervous breakdown. The first time also corresponds to the last entry I made here where I was talking about what a useless narcissistic piece of shit I was.
I feel like, fuck. She's pretty, maybe beautiful. She's funny. She's Japanese. There is nothing obviously wrong with her in any way. But there was no chemistry. There was no point where I was like, "oh man, I don't ever want this date to end." No. Actually, this time, we went to dinner, and afterward I just took her straight to her apartment and dropped her off. Neither of us really protested too much. We have nothing in common, and I am not objectively interesting enough to hold up an entire conversation by myself. It was like we were struggling to find something to talk about, going through the motions of a date, not really interested in each other. She would face away from me for minutes at a time, looking at something off in the distance, thinking god knows what. Meanwhile I'm trying to think of something to say in Japanese, and it's just not coming out. I make short, vague statements. The highlight of the evening was when I pulled out my phone and we played a game of connect four.
It was the kind of experience that made me doubt a lot of things about myself, made me rethink my life up until this point. Maybe rethink the concept of women in general. I mean do I even LIKE women? Ever since I was little it's seemed like women were something that I was SUPPOSED to be attracted to. Maybe I'm overgeneralizing here. In fact I almost certainly am. Certainly THIS girl, at least, is not for me.
I don't think I'm gay, in case you're wondering. I have never been sexually aroused by a man. Maybe that's some sort of massive mental block that I've put up that keeps me from thinking about it, who knows. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and go, hey yeah, guys. Mustaches, penises, and buttholes. That's what I want. So far though, nope. No evidence for that.
But this confusion still feels good, somehow. It feels like a lesson that I've needed to learn for a long time, although I still don't know quite what the lesson is.
I have had a few relationships in the past, but ALL of them have been long-distance. Kiwako was the woman I thought was the love of my life, and even today I am almost positive that I would drop whatever I was doing at the time if there was even a chance that I could be with her. But she was married, and probably is still married, and is nine years older than me, and she lives in Hawaii. Back then I was able to love her with 100% of my being, but maybe it was because there were no consequences to me doing so. The relationship was unfettered by reality, just all good and no bad. It was a fantasy.
I feel like my eyes are opening. I've always known I was lost, but until recently I haven't really known HOW lost. It's not the kind of lost where I've just made a series of wrong turns, and the right person could flag me down and show me the right way. No, it's more like I'm hundreds of miles from any street, tripping balls and climbing an Incan pyramid or something. Yeah that's the way dude, just keep following the bird of a thousand colors. Solid plan.
I need someone who gets me, and that's not easy for people to do. I don't let them, for starters, because I feel like most people judge others by very surface level metrics, like how many friends they have, what kind of things they like to do, their favorite bands, etc. I have effectively zero friends, don't like to do much of anything, and music is almost meaningless to me. There is a me in there though, somewhere, undefined by tastes in pop culture, maybe just undefined...someone who fits together with another person naturally enough to feel complete when she is around. And if I am being true to that "me," then my love is someone I don't need to "date," to "get to know." Someone who doesn't need a sexy body to hold my interest or turn me on.
Clearly that girl exists. But if I'm not allowing myself to be myself, how am I supposed to find her?
I feel like, fuck. She's pretty, maybe beautiful. She's funny. She's Japanese. There is nothing obviously wrong with her in any way. But there was no chemistry. There was no point where I was like, "oh man, I don't ever want this date to end." No. Actually, this time, we went to dinner, and afterward I just took her straight to her apartment and dropped her off. Neither of us really protested too much. We have nothing in common, and I am not objectively interesting enough to hold up an entire conversation by myself. It was like we were struggling to find something to talk about, going through the motions of a date, not really interested in each other. She would face away from me for minutes at a time, looking at something off in the distance, thinking god knows what. Meanwhile I'm trying to think of something to say in Japanese, and it's just not coming out. I make short, vague statements. The highlight of the evening was when I pulled out my phone and we played a game of connect four.
It was the kind of experience that made me doubt a lot of things about myself, made me rethink my life up until this point. Maybe rethink the concept of women in general. I mean do I even LIKE women? Ever since I was little it's seemed like women were something that I was SUPPOSED to be attracted to. Maybe I'm overgeneralizing here. In fact I almost certainly am. Certainly THIS girl, at least, is not for me.
I don't think I'm gay, in case you're wondering. I have never been sexually aroused by a man. Maybe that's some sort of massive mental block that I've put up that keeps me from thinking about it, who knows. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and go, hey yeah, guys. Mustaches, penises, and buttholes. That's what I want. So far though, nope. No evidence for that.
But this confusion still feels good, somehow. It feels like a lesson that I've needed to learn for a long time, although I still don't know quite what the lesson is.
I have had a few relationships in the past, but ALL of them have been long-distance. Kiwako was the woman I thought was the love of my life, and even today I am almost positive that I would drop whatever I was doing at the time if there was even a chance that I could be with her. But she was married, and probably is still married, and is nine years older than me, and she lives in Hawaii. Back then I was able to love her with 100% of my being, but maybe it was because there were no consequences to me doing so. The relationship was unfettered by reality, just all good and no bad. It was a fantasy.
I feel like my eyes are opening. I've always known I was lost, but until recently I haven't really known HOW lost. It's not the kind of lost where I've just made a series of wrong turns, and the right person could flag me down and show me the right way. No, it's more like I'm hundreds of miles from any street, tripping balls and climbing an Incan pyramid or something. Yeah that's the way dude, just keep following the bird of a thousand colors. Solid plan.
I need someone who gets me, and that's not easy for people to do. I don't let them, for starters, because I feel like most people judge others by very surface level metrics, like how many friends they have, what kind of things they like to do, their favorite bands, etc. I have effectively zero friends, don't like to do much of anything, and music is almost meaningless to me. There is a me in there though, somewhere, undefined by tastes in pop culture, maybe just undefined...someone who fits together with another person naturally enough to feel complete when she is around. And if I am being true to that "me," then my love is someone I don't need to "date," to "get to know." Someone who doesn't need a sexy body to hold my interest or turn me on.
Clearly that girl exists. But if I'm not allowing myself to be myself, how am I supposed to find her?