Letters to my friends, never meaning to send...
Well, the times are good and the times are bad but they are certainly changing, so I thought that I'd take a few minutes to stop and thank the people that have helped keep me going even when I was so deep in darkness there was no light (still am).
In no order of particular importance, here they are:
Dear Ariel,
Out of everyone at the University and outside of it, you have known me the longest. Hell, even more than that, you're my oldest friend in the world. I mean, years ago, even when you're friends taunted me and excluded me, you still liked me. We kept contact however fleeting, and it was good. You always stood by me, and helped me, and I'd like to think that I helped you too.
I think...I think that maybe if we were a little less alike we'd get along better, but no matter what we always seem to end up friends in the end. I'm proud of you, and the choices that you have made. I'm proud of you for all that you have achieved and all that you shall, but most importantly I'm proud of you for being Ariel. You remind me of how dammed fucking important it is to stay true to oneself, and never ever stray, even when it hurts-a lot.
Thank you for all the letters that you sent me; my life was a wasteland of pain, fear and misery, and your words reminded me that there was a life outside of the place that I was not permitted to leave.
We've laughed together, we've cried together, and we can tell each other anything. At least, I know that there are some things I could tell you that no-one else would appreciate in quite the same manner. And, you're the only one that's allowed to call me Alex.
You're awesome, girl. Don't stop movin', reach the stars, and have a damn good time getting there. The journey is worth more then the start or the end.
Love Ya!
Dear Kirk,
...sometimes I don't really know what to say to you or about you. You stood by me when the chips were down, and you actually believed me.
Thank you so much. You have such a big heart sometimes it seems like you don't really..*sigh*
I can't really say anything. Thank you with all my heart and soul. I got ya back, hunny. Be blessed always, and if you need anything...ANYTHING...I'll help you out as best I can. I'll even give the gift of kidney! (*lol*)
*Hugs and Kisses for the Daisuke!*
Dear Squirrel,
Thank you for all the hugs, chats, warm words and various other things. You're a really, really good soul, and I hope to get to know you better as time goes by.
*I can talk squirrel, see? "Nika-chiichiniika-ba!"*
Dear Nick,
Here is someone else I have precious few words for. We met only last year, and yet you have brought me more light and joy than nearly anyone else I know and have known.
When my BF was being an asswiper, you saw it for what it was, and you took me and you comforted me. You held me tight, and you let me cry, and when you were done you'd simply smile that deep, happy grin straight from your heart and you'd pat me on the back and say oh-so-softly, "It's gonna be alright, Chii."
We raise hell together, we laugh at crappy porn together, and we simply smile to be in the other's company. Your hugs make me calm, your voice brings me peace, and your soul bring a new level of tranquility to my being.
I don't know what the hell I'd even do without you, and I don't know what the fuck it's going to be like when you're not around (even for a while....oh! I know what I'll do...probably get much better grades, teeheehee).
You're my best friend in the world, you are a true kindred spirit. Thank you for being who you are, and thank you for loving me even when I refused to love myself.
I love you. Thank you, and the deepest blessings of my heart and soul be with you, for now and always.
And if you think you're going to get away with not visiting us, think again. We'll come see you too! (I would anyway, when I heard you were leaving I cried for three hours)
We sing together and it is beautiful, I can sing nearly anything and you pick up on the words and sing right along with me. Let's not let the harmony die today.
Love, Chii
Dear Harmony,
Writing this frightens me. I am genuinely scared of writing this, or anything; anything at all to you.
Thank you. When I broke down, you cried with me. You held me. Thank you.
For the first time in my life I felt like I had a big sister. You know what? It was wonderful.
Blessed Be.
Always, Alexandra
Dear Shane,
Thank you for letting me see the light, and kicking my ass into gear about things in the past. You're sweet, wonderful, funny and a truly awesome person to be around; I hope that your warm, dragony light continues to shine, shine, shine!
You ever need a place to go, a place to be safe, come to me. I would return the favor, if it becomes nessecary.
Love, Ally
Dear Charlie,
Thanks for the talks and your wonderful company, I can't wait to see you again. Also, I'd like to thank you for sending that girl from GSS my way.
You're a good friend, always follow your heart!
Love, Ally
Dear Epiphiany,
I love you. Thank you. You're my soul-sister and so many other things. We share a special deep, warm loving connection that I hope will bless us all our days. I'll never leave you and I'll be there to help. Love, honey, love.
Blessings forever and always, Chii
Dearest Wolf,
Let me start out by saying that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are the love of my life, the best part of each andf every day I have, you help make me who and what I am. We walk in unison, our minds tend to move in unison and....heck, we are in unison.
I tremble at the thought of being with you, and tremble more so at the opposite. You told me once that I helped to bring light into your soul...if that were tue, I could say that you have brought more than a little darnkess into my own, but I cannot complain, or say I'd change anything; I like what I am, finally, I seem to be getting back upon the path of loving myself.
I had finally decided I was never going to be married, you know. I had already been engaged twice before, both times I broke it off before the wedding. Amusingly enough both times were to abusive fuckwads but that's beside the point.
Anyway, I had decided not to be married. Ever, or at least not for a very long while. But, then, it was that calm, clear night, and we were alone...when you asked...when you actually asked, and said the words....my whole world trickled down to a stop, and I cried. Oh, how I cried.
I accepted. And now, I finally know what I was missing, and what I have finally found; my other half, my better part, the one I can give myself completely to, now and forever. I love you. I will always love you, and that won't ever stop.
I found this song by Evanescence that...seems to fit.
You
The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep, I need to tell you... goodnight
When we’re together I feel perfect
When I’m pulled away from you I fall apart
All that you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue, I can’t look away as we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me, marry me, promise you’ll stay with me
Oh you don’t have to ask me, you know you’re all that I live for
You know I’d die just to hold you, stay with you
Somehow I’ll show you that you are my night sky
I’ve always been right behind you
Now I’ll always be right beside you
So many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there’d be you
Thank you....with all of my heart and soul. I am still...shocked, happy, and a little honored. Why? You chose me...but then...it seems that we have chosen each other.
I love you. Thanks for holding me last night when I nearly freaked out in Brewer.
The wedding shall be wonderful, and blessed, and happy, with the ones who love us and really care for us all there, watching.
I'm scared but I am happy, and somehow it seems I have found something that finally feels right.
Always, eternally, yours in this life and the next...
your Kaguya
~Semper Fidelis~
Others that need thanking: Eric, Sean, Sarah, Toby, Joanne, Byron, Jess, Mark, Elijah, Andrew, Jon, Rory, Caity B, Rachel, Gabby, Nate, Katie, Nikki, and anyone else who may not be here (I am forgetful!)
I'm having a tough time and yes, I still feel suicidal. But, I still have that one little thing and in abundance; Hope.
(Never can never will never hold us down)
(Now I will tell you what I've done for you, fifty-thousand tears I've cried)
(I've got to breate I can't keep going under)
You will never hold me down. Not anymore. I am beyond your reach and your power.
Oh, and before I get flamed for that, the people I am referring to are NOT part of anyone else's circles, alright?
I get to go and have lots of stuff done to my poor little body soon; I have a nasty infection that won't_go_away, my heart is getting really really bad, I have to get the special inhalers, because I'm having reactions to my albuterol prescripton...plus I need to get some blood work done, and get screened for cancer...and did I mention that I have to have a full allergy test because there's a local anesthetic that I'm allergic to, and I don't know what it is? And I have to get extra immu-fucking-zations so that I can go to college. As if I haven't had like twice the normal dose from living all over the damn country, and deep in the southwest?
Oi, oi oi.
I cried. Well, I've been crying a lot, lately. I just can't seem to sleep more than two or three hours in a night without the pain from my infection waking me and keeping me awake, the only position I can sleep in without pain is the fetal position, so last night I curled into that, and he held me tight, and he kissed me; thank goddess he didn't leave. I don't know what I'd do without him.
If the pain doesn't keep me awake, the nightmares do.
I tried to kill the pain, but only bled more! I can almost see the traces on my white skin, the traces from that knife; it would have been so easy, but for some reason I could only trace. The blade bit, but I did not bleed. Not where it can be seen, anyway.
My wounds cry for the grave, my soul cries for delivarance, will I be denied my suicide? It certainly seems to be. But then, I still have hope. I shan't give up, as long as I have hope. I glow. Seeing him, and that gentle smile that comes from the heart. It warms me so much, and my soul is full of light, of fire and love.
Morganna smiled. If Morganna was able to smile, and allow a little light into her heart then I know there is still hope for this tiny little ball of humanity I walk upon each dawn and dusk.
If you think you really know what's going on, or what I really am...what's inside my heart, you have no idea. You haven't even seen the highlight reels.
oh how I long for the deep-sleep dreaming, the goddess of imaginary light....
{In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby, I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me}
I am going to write a book of poetry. (filled with my photography, too!) I found nearly fifty of my poems, all fairly old ones, mostly from 2000-2002, but they'll be good, along with what I have published already, I should have a good hundred by the time I'm done.(poems and photos)
He read one of them, and a single tear came to his eye..I showed him "The Valley."
{you don't remember me but I remember you, I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you, but who can decide what they dream and dream I do}
{I believe in you, I'll give up everything just to find you, I have to be with, to live, to breathe, you're taking over me}
This entry's laced full of lyrics...all the music of my heart.
My Dad's getting better. I will never trust him with whatever children we shall have (someday) but I am getting a better feeling from him. I am glad. We are slowly making amends. I am trying to do so, but considering what we have to overcome and our history, it'll be a while. But, I'll say it now, say it while we're both alive. I do not want either of us to pass before this is resovled. It is not an issue to take into the afterlife.
I cry. When we got back last night, I sat in the car and I cried. I miss you so much. Please, come back. I know this place is not your home, but I really miss you; you made me happy. And, you still owe me a road trip! Also, don't forget what I have promised you; if you don't come back, we both shall road trip to your house and kick your ass! I miss you, please come back! I don't know what I would do on campus without you, and York Hall would lose its best resident. So, you see, you have to come back! You also said that you'd stand for us, so you have to come back when that happens, at least for a little while..
My mother is having lost-chick syndrome. O-fucking-i. She thinks I should not have the job I do, she's practically begged me to come back and live in Brewer, at their home. I cannot. Even if I had not promised him I would not, I'd say no. It's not safe for me to be there alone. I promised Wolf that I would not go back if he and I were to be there alone, or stay there overnight without someone else there with me {non-family}....
Don't turn away, don't try to hide [though they're screaming your name]
don't close your eyes [god knows what lies behind them]
don't turn out the light never sleep never die
{holding my last breath safe inside myself, all my thoughts of you, sweet raptured light it ends here tonight}
I am bringing everything together and gathering the thickest of the strings I have, and seeing what kind of aid I can get for college. Wolf told me that since I'm a relation to John Alden (man from the Mayflower) I qualify for the Mayflower Scholarship....sweet! Happy Happy Doki Doki!
This poem send shivers down my very spine. I was searching the web, looking for roots, and researching the Woodcock family (my family) lines, trying to tie loose ends...my Grandmother Lois had this book, for years and years, it was called The Prophet.. after she died, I looked at the book, and the images depicted in the book made me flash back to a time before I was born, and made me see what I maybe should not have. I find it odd that the poem from my Woodcock grandmother's most loved book was on that site. I must ask my family if that book has a deeper meaning for us.
It is truly truth. Blood is thicker then water, among the Woodcocks. (as long as you don't spurn them...)
It is so strange. But I love this poem. It is beautiful. I shall give it to my mother, that is the right thing to do..she'll know why, and we all miss her so much. You brought so much light, so much love into the lives of all you touched and spoke to; out of everyone I have known, you were the only one that I know of that lived her dream, even though your life was filled with suffering and pain. I wish I could have known you as a person better. I love you, and rest easy; your children love and remember, and if your grandchildren don't...I always shall. Thanks for being mine.
Here's my tribute to my wonderful, courageous, sweet and kindhearted grandmother, Lois Field Woodcock. She was only 55. Only 55...damn you, death. damn you for taking her so early. and a great big FUCK YOU to cancer, for robbing me of so many people that I love.
The Prophet - Children
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
( Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet )
Here's another poem that I have found in my wandering, aimless search for Woodcock family trees/ties:
Dear Ancestor
Your tombstone stands among the rest
Neglected and alone;
The name and date are chiseled out
On polished, marble stone.
It reaches out to all who care
(It is too late to mourn);
You did not know that I exist -
You died and I was born.
Yet, each of us are cells of you
In flesh, in blood, in bone;
Our blood contracts and beats a pulse
That cannot be our own.
Dear Ancestor, the place you filled
So many years ago
Spreads out among the ones you left
Who would have loved you so.
I wonder, if you lived and loved -
I wonder if you knew;
Someday that I would find this spot
And come to visit you?
-- Author Unknown
{I cannot defeat this hunger burning deep inside of me}
I am powerful, and I am passionate, and I am blessedly loved. I shall do what I can, and make compromise with the ones I care to, but I now know my alliances much better, I also hope that I can reach the threads that I pull in. Puppeteer, the vixen, the creature with fate's red threads dangling from my fingertips, it is time to be back to work. *gyrn* Now, I do what my family is known for; I'm gonna shake up the larger world, and remind them all of who I am; change for the better, maybe I can add something of worth to this planet. That would be wonderfully amazing.
I may have some doubt, and I may be scared, but I am strong, and I shall stay strong.
For myself, and the one I care for above all others...
my friends, the ones that are now my family, I cannot wait to bring us all together. It shall be good, and we shall bake bread!
{and maybe tonight we'll fly so far away, we'll be lost before the dawn}
Much love, to all! I am Kaguya! (Thank you for reminding me of who and what I am)
{We'll be lost before the dawn}
Semper Fidelis, Chii
In no order of particular importance, here they are:
Dear Ariel,
Out of everyone at the University and outside of it, you have known me the longest. Hell, even more than that, you're my oldest friend in the world. I mean, years ago, even when you're friends taunted me and excluded me, you still liked me. We kept contact however fleeting, and it was good. You always stood by me, and helped me, and I'd like to think that I helped you too.
I think...I think that maybe if we were a little less alike we'd get along better, but no matter what we always seem to end up friends in the end. I'm proud of you, and the choices that you have made. I'm proud of you for all that you have achieved and all that you shall, but most importantly I'm proud of you for being Ariel. You remind me of how dammed fucking important it is to stay true to oneself, and never ever stray, even when it hurts-a lot.
Thank you for all the letters that you sent me; my life was a wasteland of pain, fear and misery, and your words reminded me that there was a life outside of the place that I was not permitted to leave.
We've laughed together, we've cried together, and we can tell each other anything. At least, I know that there are some things I could tell you that no-one else would appreciate in quite the same manner. And, you're the only one that's allowed to call me Alex.
You're awesome, girl. Don't stop movin', reach the stars, and have a damn good time getting there. The journey is worth more then the start or the end.
Love Ya!
Dear Kirk,
...sometimes I don't really know what to say to you or about you. You stood by me when the chips were down, and you actually believed me.
Thank you so much. You have such a big heart sometimes it seems like you don't really..*sigh*
I can't really say anything. Thank you with all my heart and soul. I got ya back, hunny. Be blessed always, and if you need anything...ANYTHING...I'll help you out as best I can. I'll even give the gift of kidney! (*lol*)
*Hugs and Kisses for the Daisuke!*
Dear Squirrel,
Thank you for all the hugs, chats, warm words and various other things. You're a really, really good soul, and I hope to get to know you better as time goes by.
*I can talk squirrel, see? "Nika-chiichiniika-ba!"*
Dear Nick,
Here is someone else I have precious few words for. We met only last year, and yet you have brought me more light and joy than nearly anyone else I know and have known.
When my BF was being an asswiper, you saw it for what it was, and you took me and you comforted me. You held me tight, and you let me cry, and when you were done you'd simply smile that deep, happy grin straight from your heart and you'd pat me on the back and say oh-so-softly, "It's gonna be alright, Chii."
We raise hell together, we laugh at crappy porn together, and we simply smile to be in the other's company. Your hugs make me calm, your voice brings me peace, and your soul bring a new level of tranquility to my being.
I don't know what the hell I'd even do without you, and I don't know what the fuck it's going to be like when you're not around (even for a while....oh! I know what I'll do...probably get much better grades, teeheehee).
You're my best friend in the world, you are a true kindred spirit. Thank you for being who you are, and thank you for loving me even when I refused to love myself.
I love you. Thank you, and the deepest blessings of my heart and soul be with you, for now and always.
And if you think you're going to get away with not visiting us, think again. We'll come see you too! (I would anyway, when I heard you were leaving I cried for three hours)
We sing together and it is beautiful, I can sing nearly anything and you pick up on the words and sing right along with me. Let's not let the harmony die today.
Love, Chii
Dear Harmony,
Writing this frightens me. I am genuinely scared of writing this, or anything; anything at all to you.
Thank you. When I broke down, you cried with me. You held me. Thank you.
For the first time in my life I felt like I had a big sister. You know what? It was wonderful.
Blessed Be.
Always, Alexandra
Dear Shane,
Thank you for letting me see the light, and kicking my ass into gear about things in the past. You're sweet, wonderful, funny and a truly awesome person to be around; I hope that your warm, dragony light continues to shine, shine, shine!
You ever need a place to go, a place to be safe, come to me. I would return the favor, if it becomes nessecary.
Love, Ally
Dear Charlie,
Thanks for the talks and your wonderful company, I can't wait to see you again. Also, I'd like to thank you for sending that girl from GSS my way.
You're a good friend, always follow your heart!
Love, Ally
Dear Epiphiany,
I love you. Thank you. You're my soul-sister and so many other things. We share a special deep, warm loving connection that I hope will bless us all our days. I'll never leave you and I'll be there to help. Love, honey, love.
Blessings forever and always, Chii
Dearest Wolf,
Let me start out by saying that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are the love of my life, the best part of each andf every day I have, you help make me who and what I am. We walk in unison, our minds tend to move in unison and....heck, we are in unison.
I tremble at the thought of being with you, and tremble more so at the opposite. You told me once that I helped to bring light into your soul...if that were tue, I could say that you have brought more than a little darnkess into my own, but I cannot complain, or say I'd change anything; I like what I am, finally, I seem to be getting back upon the path of loving myself.
I had finally decided I was never going to be married, you know. I had already been engaged twice before, both times I broke it off before the wedding. Amusingly enough both times were to abusive fuckwads but that's beside the point.
Anyway, I had decided not to be married. Ever, or at least not for a very long while. But, then, it was that calm, clear night, and we were alone...when you asked...when you actually asked, and said the words....my whole world trickled down to a stop, and I cried. Oh, how I cried.
I accepted. And now, I finally know what I was missing, and what I have finally found; my other half, my better part, the one I can give myself completely to, now and forever. I love you. I will always love you, and that won't ever stop.
I found this song by Evanescence that...seems to fit.
You
The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep, I need to tell you... goodnight
When we’re together I feel perfect
When I’m pulled away from you I fall apart
All that you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue, I can’t look away as we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me, marry me, promise you’ll stay with me
Oh you don’t have to ask me, you know you’re all that I live for
You know I’d die just to hold you, stay with you
Somehow I’ll show you that you are my night sky
I’ve always been right behind you
Now I’ll always be right beside you
So many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there’d be you
Thank you....with all of my heart and soul. I am still...shocked, happy, and a little honored. Why? You chose me...but then...it seems that we have chosen each other.
I love you. Thanks for holding me last night when I nearly freaked out in Brewer.
The wedding shall be wonderful, and blessed, and happy, with the ones who love us and really care for us all there, watching.
I'm scared but I am happy, and somehow it seems I have found something that finally feels right.
Always, eternally, yours in this life and the next...
your Kaguya
~Semper Fidelis~
Others that need thanking: Eric, Sean, Sarah, Toby, Joanne, Byron, Jess, Mark, Elijah, Andrew, Jon, Rory, Caity B, Rachel, Gabby, Nate, Katie, Nikki, and anyone else who may not be here (I am forgetful!)
I'm having a tough time and yes, I still feel suicidal. But, I still have that one little thing and in abundance; Hope.
(Never can never will never hold us down)
(Now I will tell you what I've done for you, fifty-thousand tears I've cried)
(I've got to breate I can't keep going under)
You will never hold me down. Not anymore. I am beyond your reach and your power.
Oh, and before I get flamed for that, the people I am referring to are NOT part of anyone else's circles, alright?
I get to go and have lots of stuff done to my poor little body soon; I have a nasty infection that won't_go_away, my heart is getting really really bad, I have to get the special inhalers, because I'm having reactions to my albuterol prescripton...plus I need to get some blood work done, and get screened for cancer...and did I mention that I have to have a full allergy test because there's a local anesthetic that I'm allergic to, and I don't know what it is? And I have to get extra immu-fucking-zations so that I can go to college. As if I haven't had like twice the normal dose from living all over the damn country, and deep in the southwest?
Oi, oi oi.
I cried. Well, I've been crying a lot, lately. I just can't seem to sleep more than two or three hours in a night without the pain from my infection waking me and keeping me awake, the only position I can sleep in without pain is the fetal position, so last night I curled into that, and he held me tight, and he kissed me; thank goddess he didn't leave. I don't know what I'd do without him.
If the pain doesn't keep me awake, the nightmares do.
I tried to kill the pain, but only bled more! I can almost see the traces on my white skin, the traces from that knife; it would have been so easy, but for some reason I could only trace. The blade bit, but I did not bleed. Not where it can be seen, anyway.
My wounds cry for the grave, my soul cries for delivarance, will I be denied my suicide? It certainly seems to be. But then, I still have hope. I shan't give up, as long as I have hope. I glow. Seeing him, and that gentle smile that comes from the heart. It warms me so much, and my soul is full of light, of fire and love.
Morganna smiled. If Morganna was able to smile, and allow a little light into her heart then I know there is still hope for this tiny little ball of humanity I walk upon each dawn and dusk.
If you think you really know what's going on, or what I really am...what's inside my heart, you have no idea. You haven't even seen the highlight reels.
oh how I long for the deep-sleep dreaming, the goddess of imaginary light....
{In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby, I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me}
I am going to write a book of poetry. (filled with my photography, too!) I found nearly fifty of my poems, all fairly old ones, mostly from 2000-2002, but they'll be good, along with what I have published already, I should have a good hundred by the time I'm done.(poems and photos)
He read one of them, and a single tear came to his eye..I showed him "The Valley."
{you don't remember me but I remember you, I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you, but who can decide what they dream and dream I do}
{I believe in you, I'll give up everything just to find you, I have to be with, to live, to breathe, you're taking over me}
This entry's laced full of lyrics...all the music of my heart.
My Dad's getting better. I will never trust him with whatever children we shall have (someday) but I am getting a better feeling from him. I am glad. We are slowly making amends. I am trying to do so, but considering what we have to overcome and our history, it'll be a while. But, I'll say it now, say it while we're both alive. I do not want either of us to pass before this is resovled. It is not an issue to take into the afterlife.
I cry. When we got back last night, I sat in the car and I cried. I miss you so much. Please, come back. I know this place is not your home, but I really miss you; you made me happy. And, you still owe me a road trip! Also, don't forget what I have promised you; if you don't come back, we both shall road trip to your house and kick your ass! I miss you, please come back! I don't know what I would do on campus without you, and York Hall would lose its best resident. So, you see, you have to come back! You also said that you'd stand for us, so you have to come back when that happens, at least for a little while..
My mother is having lost-chick syndrome. O-fucking-i. She thinks I should not have the job I do, she's practically begged me to come back and live in Brewer, at their home. I cannot. Even if I had not promised him I would not, I'd say no. It's not safe for me to be there alone. I promised Wolf that I would not go back if he and I were to be there alone, or stay there overnight without someone else there with me {non-family}....
Don't turn away, don't try to hide [though they're screaming your name]
don't close your eyes [god knows what lies behind them]
don't turn out the light never sleep never die
{holding my last breath safe inside myself, all my thoughts of you, sweet raptured light it ends here tonight}
I am bringing everything together and gathering the thickest of the strings I have, and seeing what kind of aid I can get for college. Wolf told me that since I'm a relation to John Alden (man from the Mayflower) I qualify for the Mayflower Scholarship....sweet! Happy Happy Doki Doki!
This poem send shivers down my very spine. I was searching the web, looking for roots, and researching the Woodcock family (my family) lines, trying to tie loose ends...my Grandmother Lois had this book, for years and years, it was called The Prophet.. after she died, I looked at the book, and the images depicted in the book made me flash back to a time before I was born, and made me see what I maybe should not have. I find it odd that the poem from my Woodcock grandmother's most loved book was on that site. I must ask my family if that book has a deeper meaning for us.
It is truly truth. Blood is thicker then water, among the Woodcocks. (as long as you don't spurn them...)
It is so strange. But I love this poem. It is beautiful. I shall give it to my mother, that is the right thing to do..she'll know why, and we all miss her so much. You brought so much light, so much love into the lives of all you touched and spoke to; out of everyone I have known, you were the only one that I know of that lived her dream, even though your life was filled with suffering and pain. I wish I could have known you as a person better. I love you, and rest easy; your children love and remember, and if your grandchildren don't...I always shall. Thanks for being mine.
Here's my tribute to my wonderful, courageous, sweet and kindhearted grandmother, Lois Field Woodcock. She was only 55. Only 55...damn you, death. damn you for taking her so early. and a great big FUCK YOU to cancer, for robbing me of so many people that I love.
The Prophet - Children
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Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
( Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet )
Here's another poem that I have found in my wandering, aimless search for Woodcock family trees/ties:
Dear Ancestor
Your tombstone stands among the rest
Neglected and alone;
The name and date are chiseled out
On polished, marble stone.
It reaches out to all who care
(It is too late to mourn);
You did not know that I exist -
You died and I was born.
Yet, each of us are cells of you
In flesh, in blood, in bone;
Our blood contracts and beats a pulse
That cannot be our own.
Dear Ancestor, the place you filled
So many years ago
Spreads out among the ones you left
Who would have loved you so.
I wonder, if you lived and loved -
I wonder if you knew;
Someday that I would find this spot
And come to visit you?
-- Author Unknown
{I cannot defeat this hunger burning deep inside of me}
I am powerful, and I am passionate, and I am blessedly loved. I shall do what I can, and make compromise with the ones I care to, but I now know my alliances much better, I also hope that I can reach the threads that I pull in. Puppeteer, the vixen, the creature with fate's red threads dangling from my fingertips, it is time to be back to work. *gyrn* Now, I do what my family is known for; I'm gonna shake up the larger world, and remind them all of who I am; change for the better, maybe I can add something of worth to this planet. That would be wonderfully amazing.
I may have some doubt, and I may be scared, but I am strong, and I shall stay strong.
For myself, and the one I care for above all others...
my friends, the ones that are now my family, I cannot wait to bring us all together. It shall be good, and we shall bake bread!
{and maybe tonight we'll fly so far away, we'll be lost before the dawn}
Much love, to all! I am Kaguya! (Thank you for reminding me of who and what I am)
{We'll be lost before the dawn}
Semper Fidelis, Chii